Angelversary #9

Dear Mikkie angel!

One of our favorite things to do on your angelversary is to watch your home videos. Sitting on the couch all together cuddling, laughing, crying, smiling, remembering..... 

I love the opportunity to be together with loved ones to talk about and remember you. What parent doesn’t love talking about their children? 😁

To some it may seem that you had an ending to your short life but to me it was merely an interruption. I know your spirit, I know your essence and I feel it close by, you are very much alive to me, and I know some day in the future I will get to see that sweet face of yours again, hug you tight, and experience the most inexpressible joy. That day seems far off right now but so did today 9 years ago, the day you died. I love that there are angels among us, helping us by our side. I have no doubt that you are an incredible angel doing so much good, spreading so much joy and light. 

You know how butterflies remind me of you... there have been so many that have fluttered right by me this past month it makes me smile! I’m not even on the lookout for them, they just fly right in front of me... such tender mercies to me. I know you are close by sweet girl, I know you are with your family who loves and adores you. Seeing all these butterflies has caused me to think about them more and I heard something about them on a podcast I was listening to that I absolutely loved. They start out as caterpillars, busy doing their thing and when they become completely and totally immersed in their cocoon they come out a new creature, a beautiful butterfly! 

Similarly, we are like caterpillars, busy about our lives doing our best but when we become completely and totally immersed in Christ, we shed our old self or natural man and He makes us into a new being! I love that! How powerful is that! 

I love my Savior so much and am so grateful for His strength, comfort, peace and love that I have felt. I know He has been by my side, holding me closely in His arms in my darkest hours, and continues to be with me lifting me up and helping to press on. He has helped me to feel joy again, and has given me hope. 

You are so special, little angel of mine. Remember you’re in my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, I’m always thinking of you and memories of you are etched in my heart forever. 

Love always, 

Mama

Angelversary #6

Hello sweet girl of mine!

I don't even know where to begin, both my mind and heart are filled with peace yet weighed down with so many different emotions.

So much has happened in 6 years..... oh so much. A lot of good and a lot of not so good. So many of those days were taken one little bit at a time. Life sure is crazy, with all the curve balls it throws at ya. Life is also beautiful. I'm definitely not the same person you knew back then. That's a good thing, I think.

You'd be proud of the progress we've made through these years. This summer I put Faith and Spencer in swimming lessons and Emmett will be next month. Not only that but while at Snowbird we all went to the outdoor pool together... As a family, even Emmett. HUGE deal. It was a little nerve wracking but we had fun together. We just made sure to be super strict about being assigned to a boy and watching them super close. 

There are still certain things I can't bring myself to do at this time, and I may never get to that point but that's ok.

A couple big things I've learned along the way that's made all the difference for me is:

• Don't depend on anyone else for your happiness or self worth. You will always be disappointed. Instead turn to God, He's absolutely the ONLY one who can fill those needs properly and won't ever leave us feel wanting. 
• It is possible to feel peace amidst trials.... if we turn to God. I've tried calming myself, taking things into my own hands and it may work for a little bit but then I come crashing down once again feeling immensely overwhelmed and helpless. We NEED God. We absolutely cannot get through this crazy life without the real, true peace that only He can offer. Relying on our own strength is weak, relying on God's strength though.... we can do anything! With God ALL things are possible!
• We are definitely NOT alone. I know it. I cannot deny it. No one can tell me there is not a God. His love is so familiar to me, and I yearn for it every single moment of every day. Having His spirit with me is the greatest gift I could ask for, nothing is worth losing that.
• God's love transcends all. Nothing works better in this world than pure Christ-like love. It is so powerful.

Bottom line, God. He is the reason I am still here today and (somewhat) sane. :) He is the reason I am not just trying to endure, but enjoying the journey along the way... finding happiness in each situation. If it ever is possible, I am living proof. He is the reason I am strong; there's no other explanation for the way I feel other than a strength beyond my own. I know the difference. I feel it. My strength is imagined, His is real. Mine expires, His is lasting.

I'm grateful to be alive, to have a beautiful family, to have a perfect angel girl watching out for us, for the valuable and hard lessons I've learned, for an amazing support system from so many incredibly loving family and friends, for the Gospel that gives me great hope, without that hope I would feel so incredibly lost and lonely and feel life is so pointless; but it's not, life is so meaningful, it's precious and we only have one shot at it. Mostly I'm of course so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who is so good, so powerful, so loving. With Him I know I'm enough, I know who I am and who I want to become. I cannot say enough good things about Him. I love my Savior with all my heart, the only One who truly understands my pain, He knows perfectly, and therefore He can help us perfectly.

I love this picture, it always reminds me of you sitting with Jesus, and of course the butterfly is something of significance to me :) I think of you every time I see one and believe that you are near, I see one everywhere I go. 

I love you so very much, you are not forgotten!

Love,

Mama :)

5 year Angelversary

Dear Mikkie,

Well, it's that day. That one day of the year that I dread, though I haven't felt it as much this year. It's weird. I feel a lot more peace this year, more of a feeling to want to smile. I woke up just feeling pretty tired. Maybe this is the next stage of the grieving process? Maybe I am progressing more?

When I woke up and checked my email and saw that people had shared my post on FB, I wasn't even expecting that. A few hours later some flowers were delivered to our home, then a while later a friend stopped by just to see how I was doing and gave me a little gift and hug. Texts, notes, thoughts and love shared all around. It brought tears to my eyes to see just how much people really care and remember, and want to help make this day special in honor of my sweet Mikkie, it really is very touching to me. I am inspired by all those who are "mourning with those that mourn" and helping to lift us up.

There are a lot of things hazy in this industry of mine but one things for sure, that my Mikkie is still here. There is an afterlife. I WILL see her again. And when I do it will be sweeter than I can ever imagine. My puny little mind can't comprehend the feeling.

How do I know I feel her? Am I just creating these feelings because that's what I want? No. A mother knows her child better than anyone, and I know what her sweet presence felt like when she was alive; she still has the same spirit, nothing's changed besides she's no longer here physically. But if I pay attention, it's as if she never left. Her spirit is so strong with us, I just know it.

Last night we met at your place with some family and had a special remembrance of you. i wanted to get there earlier to eat dinner as a family by you and then after I still had time to just relax and unwind and share some special time with just us.

Once again, I was expecting the water works to start but I just felt content, at peace. Happy. I felt that, like Gramma explained, "she really wanted us to remember her with happy thoughts today." The whole day was very bright and sunny and warm. I remember in the morning, I actually woke up early enough to see the sunrise, and the sun was just super brilliant and bright shimmering across the lake, it was so beautiful. The sun was just beating down on us all day, (with a little cloud cover as we sat at your grave, thank goodness), and I just had a distinct impression that it was a reminder to me to just be ok with feeling happy today. Smile, embrace the joy in my heart. I was able to watch your home videos with a smile in my heart. I do feel as though my grieving is maturing. There are certain things that I still cannot think about or do though without feeling that dread. I just have to allow myself time and be patient with my timing, not trying to rush or even slow things. I may not even overcome some things in this life.

It was sweet to hear Faith's thoughts as she shared some of her favorite memories with you. She LOVES her Mikkie Frog, that thing is near and dear to her heart. She's had it ever since you left, and it laughs like you and she can dress it in your clothes, so no wonder why she's so attached. It was also nice to hear thoughts from others in the family, I love hearing what's on other's minds.

Eating ice cold watermelon is one of my favorite traditions, it's so nice to have it to cool down with it being so hot out. I'm so glad you loved watermelon! Emmett loves it just as much as you do, consuming the rind as well. So funny.

I also love doing the Day of Forgiveness in memory of you, and am humbled by all who want to join. I love the feeling of just letting go of burdens in my mind as I release the balloon. I close my eyes and just tell myself to let it go. I'm not saying that it happens right then, but I made the first step in feeling peace. I hope that as time goes on, more and more people will feel inspired to join and become better, happier people in the process of forgiving.

Thoughtfulness from friends

I've been wanting to find more ideas to keep as tradition in addition to eating watermelon and white balloon release, and it's a "Mikkie Mementos" box filled with some of your favorite things for each of the kids. They loved them! 

The adults get a butterfly shaped bag of "Mikkie hugs". :)

It was such a beautiful day of remembrance, so grateful for the thoughtfulness, love and support from so many. 

I LOVE YOU sweet angel! Thanks for making it so obvious to me that you were right there with us.

Love,

Mama

The night before

Hello sweet girl,

It's hours away from being the 14th, and I'm at a loss of what to write and say. I want to invite others to join in the day of forgiveness in your honor but can't find the words or motivation. I want to make tomorrow as special and memorable as I can, yet I struggle to know what to say or do anymore.
It's so weird how I feel, not sure whether it's peace or numbness, or a bit of both. I'm usually a lot more emotional before. Maybe i'm just planning too much and expecting too much from myself and instead of worrying about what to say to others, I should just focus on just you and what I would do for you, not anyone else. I worry that as more years go on maybe people won't want to participate, or worry about not saying something inspiring or maybe people are getting bored from sitting listening to us in the hot sun at the cemetery.

The problem with all of this, I see now, is that I'm too focused on what other people will think and do.  It doesn't matter if the only people that participated was just myself, I'm doing this for YOU, in your memory and the fact that others join us is a bonus. And I don't have to think so hard about coming up with the perfect thing to say, there's not going to be a magical thing I can say, I just need to focus inside of me and what I really feel, whether it be something simple or not, whether I think it's lame or whatever.

I haven't written in here for a while because I feel like I can't express myself as well as I used to. I used to write a lot more and things just seemed to flow, why is it such a struggle now? Maybe I over think things to much, I should just write.

Yesterday was an emotional day. I was doing Faith's hair in the afternoon so I could take her school pictures. She started complaining her legs were tired and she needed to sit, then started to slowly collapse against the wall on her side. I thought she was just joking around and being silly, but when I realized that something was wrong and she wasn't responding to me, I quickly laid her on the floor and she finally came to. Her face was all pale and cold/clammy, she said she had blacked out and her chest was hurting.
Panick.
Of course I started to freak out, and without any consent, my emotions took over and I called Daddy and then Gramma and started sobbing, frozen in fear.

I took her to the Instacare as soon as me neighbor came to stay with Emmett who was asleep. Grampa met us there and waited. The doctor seemed concerned about the chest pain so he sent us to the hospital for further tests.
When I got there, my eyes were obviously tear-stained and red, and as I was checking in, I got the sense from the lady that she was probably thinking, "calm down lady, no need to freak out over her fainting." And maybe more who saw me thought the same thing. What they don't know is the behind the scenes. And even those who do know about it may still not even fully understand. When I experience something traumatic, very stressful and emotional, it's like the door in my mind that i shut and locked and repressed, flings open and flashbacks come flooding my mind and I have no control over my emotions. Depending on the severity of the situation, sometimes i'm able to quickly slam that 'door' back shut, and be ok, or maybe have the emotions be delayed and fall apart as soon as I leave the crowds. I never am just experiencing the situation at hand, it's that plus the experience with you. That's me now. I am forever ruined, and that's just the way I will probably always be. I may seem to others to be overreacting, but they just don't understand.

Gramps gave Faith and I a blessing of comfort and did it work! Ever since then I've felt a great, deep sense of peace. Maybe it's carried on over to tonight and that's why I can't really feel anything but just ....peace.

I better get to bed, big day tomorrow. Who knows what it will hold.

I love you so much!

Love,

Mama

Angelversary #4

It's crazy how one day can be just another day to most while for others it's a day of celebration or grief. Four years, Mikkie, how can that be? It was only yesterday that you were in my arms, looking up at me with that award winning smile and bright blue eyes. 

Time seems to have been speeding up each year, it's beginning to be a big blur! That's why even more than ever I'm seeing great importance of living in the moment, being completely present wherever you are and whoever you're with, and giving your full, undivided attention. 

Three days ago, it was a beautiful day full of many tears, memories, laughs, cries, smiles, love, support, comfort.... and your unmistakable presence. There was no doubt that you were with us, wow, you made it very clear that you were there! It brought so much comfort to me, I can't describe or explain the feeling I got, but you were there. Memories may fade but I could never forget what your sweet little spirit and presence feels like. I told people, and I was serious, I felt like God gave you the reigns over the weather for this day because He knows what an important day it is, and knew what would give us comfort. There's no way something could be orchestrated so perfectly and at the right timing all by coincidence. There is no such thing as coincidence anyways.

It went like this.....

Started out cloudy, with a gentle wind as we gathered around your grave.

"Every time I feel the wind brush across my face, I’ll think of you sending kisses and blowing them my way."

As soon as daddy and I started talking, sharing our thoughts to everyone, the small rays of sunlight that were peaking through in the distance burst through the clouds, shining ever so brightly and warmly on us. By the time it was my turn to say something, I was overcome with a feeling so strong and knew at that moment you were there. 

"Every time I feel the sun shining through the clouds, I'll think of you let me feel the warmth of your love..."

A few tears were shed as others shared poems, thoughts, memories. Rain sprinkled lightly just enough to notice. 

"Every time I see the rain falling from above, I’ll think of you shedding tears each time I cry for you"

Rainbow suckers were being passed out to all the kids, when I hear, "Laura, look at the rainbow!!"

I darted over quickly as to not miss any chance of seeing it. There is was.

"Every time I see a rainbow cross the sky, it gives me hope to move forward for another day."

My friend surprised us with butterfly cookies, so sweet.

"Every time I see a butterfly flutter pass, I’ll think of you, oh how fast life transforms to the other side"

I brought out watermelon for everyone to munch on, one of your favorites :) Though I didn't see anyone eat the rind like you ;)

The kids all pranced around having fun, enjoying being together. We had a nice time visiting with each other.

I brought one of your dresses and bows and had Spencer dressed up in it so people could see just how much he resembles you... it's uncanny, especially when you get him dressed up looking like you. :) Your Gramma told me to hurry and take off the dress before she bawled. hah Everyone was gasping and taking pictures of him. I told my friend, who never met you, "Come meet Mikkie!" hah It was great.

Grandma made me take this dress off before it made her bawl. The resemblance of you is just uncanny.

Then driving home... right in front of me the whole drive home, we got an amazing show with a darkened sky, with red/orange clouds, lightning and a little rain. It was quite the sight, I was in awe!

The following day you'd never know we got such a spectacular show, it was back to looking like a regular day. I'm ever so grateful for God's tender mercies.

Usually the balloons go straight up and disappear, but this time they went up out of sight, then a few minutes later we saw them coming into sight again but flying to the East. 

Forever Family.

Just incredible. Grandpa noticed something in this picture.... look at the top left, do you see the baby?! Man, too perfect. 

Your uncle Patrick wrote a poem about you and shared it that night, it was very touching. Especially the fact that he thought of it on his own, I'm very moved by that kind of thoughtfulness. I asked if I could share it...

"Memories are fickle. And can play tricks on your mind.

They often don't last the test over time.

But I can still feel you and know you are there.  

And I hold to the hope that i will always still care. 

Care enough to remember that I must always be good.  

Care enough to try hard when I know that I should.  

Care enough to hold on to beliefs that are weak.  

Care enough to ask for sweat gentle relief.  

It is time to move forward, time to forgive what i lost.  

It is time to realize that Mickie will never be lost.  

I know there will be a reunion in a happier place.  

but it still doesn't stop me from missing your face. 

We love you mikkie!"

I could feel his love for you as he read it. You are a very loved little girl, Mikkie. Your sweet spirit did and continues to touch others. A hard day turned out once again to be beautiful, full of much love and support from so many, sweet reminders, sharpening and brightening memories of you, and an incredible closeness with you. Thanks for making it clear to me that you were here with us like I asked, I was paying close attention :)

I love you my precious girl!!

Love always,

Mama

Linked

Dear Mikkie,

I just got a little insight this morning that made me think and realize once again how much God is part of our lives, even in the little details.

I was just reading an article that was too perfect. It's like listening to General Conference and hearing a talk or two and knowing that it wasn't by coincidence they are talking about that topic, but because God knew it's what you needed. As I was reading this article, I stopped and my thoughts turned to thinking how I happened on this in the first place. I was on Facebook, saw an article that moved me, leading me to think about some things about myself and things in my life, then I thought about writing down my thoughts in my journal; then I stopped after a few sentences, jumping online to do one thing but instead came to the article. At that moment a thought came to my mind that a good friend had shared with me last month. She had mentioned how sometimes she may get a feeling to see if I'm ok or another friend, and when she find out I'm ok, it's like God had this little process to help her get to the point to talk to me, not because of the fact that something was wrong, but maybe just because we both needed a friend at that moment, and instead of just calling me at the first thought, God knew He had to go a round-about way to get her to talk to me. I'm not sure if any of that just made sense, but I thought of that as my mind ran through this little scenario this morning- I feel God knew that I wasn't going to go directly to the site to find the article; He knew I would be on Facebook and see the article, be moved, stirring up thoughts in my mind causing me to action, leading me to what I feel like I needed to read. This has happened more times than I can count, and I'm not one to believe in coincidence, I believe everything happens for a reason, whether it's something big or just something simple.

It's no doubt to me that God is in even the tiniest of details in our lives. We may not even recognize it more than half the time, but He's there. I think we would be surprised by how many of our thoughts are linked through to Him.

I love you Mikkie.

Love,

Mama

Reminders for me

Hello sweet girl,

Life is sweet. Every day is not perfect, I don't always do and say the right things, and the day doesn't always go as well as I expected, but that doesn't mean life's not great.

The other day I was backing out of the garage a little too fast, a little too close to the side, knocking the mirror off. I was in a hurry and just pushed it back on, and later down the road the mirror flung off and was dangling by two cords, thumping against the van, then to my dismay it broke off and flew into the middle of the busy road, almost dragging the bulk of it with it. I turned around, parked on side of the road it was closest to, and waiting for a opening in traffic, I got my prego self out, only to have the sleeve of my coat catch onto the door lock. I had to wait for another chance to run, then made an awkward waddle-dash, squatted to pick up the mirror and threw it back in the van feeling very annoyed that this was making me late. Then I just laughed because, it really wasn't that big of a deal, it was nothing that duct tape couldn't fix and there are much more serious things that could've happened, and this had only been a gentle reminder again to be more careful when I back out of the driveway.

Rewind a week before that. A saturday morning, daddy and I were in the kitchen talking, Faith had just ran out to play and little did we know Spencer had followed her out. Oblivious to anything that just happened, Spencer came bopping around the corner into the kitchen, begging for snacks as usual. I get a text 5 minutes later from my friend/neighbor a couple doors down saying they were leaving, and backing out of the driveway noticed Spencer was right behind them. She noticed our door was open, and nobody answered when she called out Hello, so she stuck Spencer inside and shut the door. Thankfully they are safe drivers and drove slowly to see my little boy. I felt a flood of relief wash over me, and then guilt for not knowing he had escaped out the door, and then the thought of realizing something could've happened to my little boy brought tears to my eyes and my heart sank, yet full of gratitude to God for protecting him. I knew that you, Mikkie, his guardian angel, were protecting your little brother. It took a few hours for me to get over those feelings.

Then just yesterday, just a few miles down the road from us was a very bad car accident involving a smaller car and a big cement truck. It sent shivers down my spine as I looked over the car that had been smashed to smithereens, then tears filled my eyes as I prayed everyone was ok.

These three experiences are reminders to me to take life a little slower, be grateful for every moment, and not get caught up in the thick of thin things.

Each day, each hour, each moment is special and I intend to do my best to make the most of it.

I love you my little girl!

Love,

Mama