Faith's birthday

Dear Mikkie,

It's been a better week. I've been wanting to talk to you about Faith's birthday. I know it was a few weeks ago.
Faith had fun at her party and I had so much fun throwing it for her. Everywhere I looked though, memories of her birthday last year flooded my mind. I could hear the pitter patter of your tiny feet running around, you carrying giant lollipops, smiling and giggling with all those people around. With all the rush of getting things ready for the party, I didn't have time to do your hair. It's fun to see it messy sometimes though, no matter what you always looked so cute!

You can see with all these precious memories of you and knowing that just last year Faithy was running around with her best friend having the best birthday, you can see why I just broke down after the party. It was what started everything. I had to focus on the party and be happy for Faith, so I contained my tears, but that can only last so long. Not good to hold things in, I end up exploding later.
I know Faith misses you as much as I do, she is just stronger and probably feels you a lot more than me. I'm so glad I was able to stay home not just so I could be with you, but so Faith could be with you and get to know you more.

I think of you always, my sweet Mikayla.

Love,

Mama

One step forward, two steps back

My sweet Mikkie,

There are a whole lot of things on my mind, a whole lot of emotions in my heart. I can see more and more every day that grief is not linear. I cannot expect myself to get better and better each week. It's more like one step forward two steps back.

I came home from church today not feeling particularly happy. Faith and I were sitting there eating our lunch and she looked at me and said, "I love you mommy." I perked up a little at that and then she said with a sad face, "I miss Mikkie." She is a very intuitive girl, she knows what I'm feeling, she knows what's going on. Even though that's not the only source of my pain, she can sense it. With a sweet hug from her and her hand on my face telling me she loves me, for a split second it seemed all was right with the world. I want to just hug and hold her all day, because I love her so much and because I feel I'm hugging you as well. I miss holding my baby girl in my arms when you would sit in my lap and cuddle.

I feel much pain most the time when I'm around others who remind me of you. Anyone who is around your age, who looks like you, does similar things as you, etc. I may seem fine on the outside, but inside I'm screaming WHY! Why can they be happy with their babies and not ME! What did I do wrong! The answer of course is nothing, at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself. I still bounce back and forth every week with feelings of guilt, shame, anger, depression, confusion, surreal, apathy, pain and so much more that I can't even describe.

I'm sure people get tired of hearing that I'm having a hard day again, but, well, it's reality and I need them to have a lot of patience with me. I feel more times than not that I have to put up a happy front for everyone so I don't put a damper on things. Sometimes I feel it's as if they have forgotten the reason why I feel this way and they expect me to be 'better' by now. It's not like I'm depressed all the time, but there are times where I just don't feel like being cheered up, you know? And hearing the question "What's wrong?" almost infuriates me. Faith was a prime example today of how to deal with me...to hear that she loves me, she misses you, Mikkie (validating how I feel) and a big hug. oooh Mikkie, this is definitely THE toughest thing I've ever experienced and I wish I could help people see and truly understand, but the only way for that to happen is for them to experience it themselves. I would never wish that on anyone.

I put up a "shrine" of sorts on our wall a while ago and I look at it everyday. It's different just looking at it and touching it. Today I sat by it, took one of your sandals, gently held it in my hands, and immediately started to ache and sob. I still can't bring myself to look at pictures of your small, lifeless body or think of anything that's remotely close to that day. I feel sick to my stomach and start to feel helpless and guilty all over again. It's better to just repress some of those details until I'm ready to face them again.

I hope I don't make you too sad when I feel this way. I really can't help it. I think you would have more understanding about how I feel than I do. I love you so much, my little twinkle star. I like what it said in this book I read today, "He does not take the pain away- to do that He would have had to take the love away I had for you, and that wasn't possible. Instead He wraps His arms around me and stays with me while I grieve for my baby." I would much rather deal with this pain than having it taken away along with my love for you. That would be unbearable.

Love always,

Mama

Service goal #1

Dear Mikkie,

This year for my goals I decided to make each month focused on service, which I promised you on your birthday that I would work on. I wanted to record my progress, experiences, etc here for you to see.

My determination and motivation for things have seemed to weaken over these past several months. I force myself anyways to work on goals. I think focusing on this goal in particular will help me deal better with my grief and put it to work for good.

January was more of a recovering-from-holidays month, it was quite depressing and painful. So better late than never, I started my first goal in February. My goal for that month was to check-in with at least one person each day. I didn't do too bad, didn't do real great, but didn't do too bad. The important thing wasn't for me to do it everyday, but to help me focus on others and not dwell on my pain and troubles. It helped me remember that I'm not the only one going through tough times. You don't even have to be going through tough times, everyone likes to be remembered, I think it's important to let people know you're thinking of them. I've personally experienced that over the past while, there has been an incredible amount of people outpouring their sympathies and love and it's been so comforting to me. I want to make others feel the same.

I hope I can be more into this month's goal and put more effort into it. I love doing things for other people, I always have, it's just not so easy to find motivation when half my heart is missing.

I love you sweet girl.

Love,

Mama

Endure

Dear Mikkie,

I don't really know how to start this letter. It's been a few weeks, tough ones at that. My emotions have been all over the place from one extreme to the other that I think I've come to a point where I'm emotionally numb. I hardly feel anything. Problem after problem, I feel like my nervous system is shutting down. Or maybe I'm just refusing to let myself feel anything.

This past week I went down to Arizona with Gramma and Tammy to help my Uncle in the hospital. My mom and I sat in on one of his physical therapy treatments and I learned a lot just from that short amount of time. When the doctor told him it's going to take quite a bit of work and it may be a while until he's released, his reply touched me. He said "I'm going to do my part. You know that I'll do whatever it takes, right?" To which the doctor said, "That's what will make this work is your positive attitude." Then watching him struggle to make a simple movement reaching one arm across the other side and moving his toes, I could see the determination in his face; a motivation that seemed foreign to me. When the doctor asked about his condition, he explained when he had his accident many years ago, the doctors told him he'd never be able to walk or talk again. He proudly exclaimed, "I proved them wrong." With a conviction that led me to believe he would be back to "normal" again or maybe even better and stronger in no time at all. In all the years I've known him and spent time with him, I've never seen him complain or be negative. Quite the opposite, he's always been a jokester and a tease, always making people laugh. Even with all that he's been dealt, he keeps his head up high. Even now as he struggles in the hospital, he sincerely thanks everyone for what they are doing for him and cracks jokes bringing smiles to everyone's faces, and I believe making them all better people just from meeting him. He is one great example of enduring. He is my hero, right next to my dad and mom.

I sit back and think of all that I've been through and still go through and realize I am not enduring. Yes, a lot of crappy and miserable things have happened and still are that just make me want to give up, and I've come so close many times, but then I think of you, my sweet baby girl, and suddenly I can't think of any other option but to move forward. I need to do my part, show God that I'm willing to endure and He will do His part to help strengthen me and lighten my load leaving me feel as if it's been removed.

D&C 14:7 "And, if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God."

It's my prayer that I will endure through it all, having a better attitude with more gratitude and less complaining.

I love you Mikkie.

Love,

Mama

Valentines

Dear Mikayla,

I remember a year ago from today we had a babysitter watching you while daddy and I went dancing. We got called early because you were sick. We came home to see you in your hottest pajamas, wrapped up in a warm blanket, laying alone on the couch and you were extremely hot all over. You looked limp, but nothing like the lifeless limp I try to forget remember a few months later. I remember how alarmed I was and glad that we came back when we did. I remember you laying in my arms while I brushed a cold cloth over your face without a fuss from you. I remember sitting by your side, patting your cute little bum, waiting for you to fall asleep. If I stopped any earlier, your head would pop up as if to say "did I tell you you could go?" I'm grateful for times like that, not of you being sick (which seemed quite frequent) but for those times which helped me slow down and take in the moments. I sure look back on them with more fondness now than I did at the time. A year later, here we are doing almost the same thing with Faith. What is it about Valentines and being sick?

Daddy gave me the sweetest gift this year. Remember that song he composed for me and played on Christmas day 2009? He finally recorded it for me and also made it into sheet music! It touched me. He's such a romantic sweetheart. He has a great gift and is very talented. It's one thing to compose fun music, it's another to make some that touches others, that's what this song does to me.I thought I'd share the song with you so you can listen whenever you want. Maybe it will help you think of me and daddy. We love you so very much, Mikkie. I want you to know that you are one incredibly special little girl and how loved you are by so many. Before you were born, I was afraid I wouldn't love you as much as I did Faith, but the minute you were born my heart grew a few sizes bigger and I just had even more room to love. I will always continue to love you with all my heart and then some. I just can't say enough how honored I am to be your mother.

Here's my song from daddy, called "New Life"

Tim Harper - New Life by timcharper

I'm thinking of you today sweet girl.

Love me,

Mama

Sacrifice

Sweet baby Mikayla,

I went to your grave the other day and once again felt bad for not making your spot more festive looking (leave it to me to feel like that, huh :), so I got a few things to put up and as I was looking around I noticed how untouched every grave looked. I know it had just snowed a few days before, but still, I wanted to make your grave look like it's been visited, so I made a snow angel right over you and wrote love notes in the snow. :) I hope you like them.

We've spent many hours this past week thinking of and remembering you. We watched family videos of you, shared memories with each other, singing songs that remind us of you, visiting your grave, making us laugh and cry just about every day.

Grief is an interesting thing and feels a little complex sometimes. It's unexpected. I can be totally fine one minute, looking at pictures of you or talking about you, not feeling the slightest tendency to cry, when the next minute the smallest thing sets me off. That's happened quite a bit these past 2 weeks. I can't control it, so I just let myself. Like my counselor said, "be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel at the moment. If you're angry, be angry, if you're sad, be sad, if you're happy be happy." For a few days my sadness turned into anxiety, having fear of losing more loved ones, your daddy and Faith in particular, and that anxiety turned into anger, once again. Feeling like you have no control over something just frustrates me to the max.

Mikkie, I've come to see something. It dawned on me when I heard my counselor say a while ago, " People used to offer up their animals as sacrifice. What God wants from us now as a sacrifice is a broken heart and contrite spirit. He wants us to give up our pride and be humble. After realizing that, which probably seems like a no-brainer to others, I knew that all these fears, worries, anxieties, frustrations I had and the pride that came with it, I needed to let go of. My sacrifice to God was humbling myself before Him, coming unto Him with a broken heart and letting Him take away my pride. It's not an easy thing to do (although I sure do feel better after) and it's not just a one time thing. I wish I could learn my lesson after one time. Us humans make mistakes over and over and over again. The important thing is that we repent and continue to turn to Him.

Daddy mentioned something to me that once again is not anything new, but it's like a light bulb turned on and in this new light we could see more clearly. God does not take away our trials, He doesn't remove the load off our backs, He strengthens us so they become light. So for me to pray for Him to just make this all stop and go away, I'm asking for the wrong thing and I'm missing the point. My trials have and are continually molding me into a better person.

I feel I've become emotionally messed-up, I can't predict when I'm going to burst into laughter, tears, anger or whatever else. It's quite the process.

I love you sweet, sweet angel baby!

Love me,

Mama

Imperative duty

Dear Mikkie,

It's been far too long.

Our neighbor's dad just died recently and daddy and I completely felt their pain. When I saw the look in his freshly grief-stricken face, my mind reeled back to the awful day we got the same gut-wrenching news... they didn't make it. We truly could mourn with them, daddy and I cried that morning. No one can ever fully understand unless they themselves experience the same thing. It was interesting though, when I went over to say something all I could say was "I'm so sorry". You would think I'd have a little more knowledge of what to say, but I was at a loss for words. All I really wanted to do was cry, to know that someone else is experiencing the same pain we are just made me feel truly sympathetic. I may not have known exactly what to say, but I did know, however, what not to say. I'm keeping a list of things people say that make me cringe, and make sure to never repeat them to others who grieve. I know they mean well, they just don't know what to say! More often than not, a hug and a listening ear is all a person needs.

You'd be proud of me, it's been almost a whole month since I've last been depressed. I tell you, there is nothing as powerful as a priesthood blessing. Don't confuse that with not being sad though. There have been plenty of times where I still bawl myself to sleep, but it has not led to utter despair and self-hatred. I think it's safe to say I am crying more times than not, but it's evidence of just how much I love you. How can I not cry when part of me and my heart are missing. Daddy agrees that I'm struggling most. I told him there's nothing quite like a mother's love. I wonder if you truly know how deeply my love for you runs? Then I wonder if I know how much you love me. I'm still trying to imagine.

I went through my journal the other day, instead of writing in it, I went back to the beginning of last year and read through to most recently. It's an interesting experience to reread things you've written. I realize I need to do less complaining and express more gratitude. I had to laugh at the entries when I complained about life being tough...I thought to myself "oh stupid me, little did you know a few months later you'd be begging for these so called 'unbearable days' compared to what was coming up." I laugh in disbelief because I had no clue. No clue whatsoever. I do feel in some other entries that I've been inspired, and I felt touched all over as I read it again. There was one entry that stood out most to me at this time that said:

"Tim taught the lesson today in Priesthood and he shared a bit from it with me last night. It struck me. It was by President Uchtdorf. He said that it is our duty, when we’re strong, to care for the feeble; when we’re happy, to take care of those who sorrow; when we’re financially stable, to take care of those who are struggling. It is our imperative duty to do so. If we don’t we exempt ourselves from our salvation."

Wow. It struck me even harder than when I heard it the first time. We must take better care of each other. Am I doing all I can to mourn with those who mourn, rejoice with those who rejoice, tend to the sick, help those who struggle, bear up other's burdens when they are weak? I'm afraid to answer I have not been doing all I can do. That last part of the quote just screams to me the seriousness of the matter, 'It is our imperative duty to do so. If we don’t we exempt ourselves from our salvation'. You can bet I'm going to be pushing myself harder to do a little better.

I love you with all my heart, and then some.

Love,

Mama

Conversations with Faith

Dear sweet Mikayla,

I've been noticing more how much your sister misses you. She's been sick this weekend so she is extra sad. When I tucked her in last night, she was crying. I assumed it was because she wasn't feeling well, but I asked her what was wrong. Without hesitating, I heard clearly through her sobs, "I miss Mikkie." Talk about a dagger to the heart. It broke my heart and I couldn't help but cry with her. As I sat there and stroked her face and brushed her hair out of her face, I saw you in her. She is the sweetest little girl, no wonder why I'm reminded of you when I look at her, you're a perfect little angel. I love you both more than...more than I can find words for.

Today I was talking with her about Jesus and how much He loves her. Whenever I ask if she loves Him, she says "yes, and we go see Jesus too!" I told her that she's going to grow up, have babies, grow old and then we can all be with Jesus again. To which she exclaimed "and Mikkie too!" Yes, without a doubt, our Mikkie too. "Yea let's do it!" She says excitedly. I say, 'unless the Second Coming comes sooner than we think, than we can see her even sooner." I don't think she quite understood (or the play dough won over her attention) because she said, " *sigh*, let's just go take a nap, k mom." She cracks me up. I was expecting the total opposite reaction. That would be the easy way out, just sleep life away and wake up when its all done. :)

Faith was making a hat from some of her toys, put it on her head and made another one. I asked who that one was for. "This is my Mikkie's hat." So sweet. She is always thinking of you and including you. Did I tell you what she did on Christmas morning? The first thing we did was check out the stockings, and before she looked in hers she immediately asked where yours was. Surprised, I went to get it and laid it by hers. When we go to the store and there is an empty seat next to her she reminds me "this is Mikkie's seat." I'm so extremely glad that she is remembering you. She is helping me to talk about you more, to include you in things even though you're not physically here. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. Faith is doing better than me at including you in life. I think adults tend to make themselves busy more than kids. Daddy and I recognized the reason we've been watching so much tv lately is to take our minds off things; I like to forget about reality for a while. When I hear Faith say things about you and the things she does, I realize even though it hurts, I need to keep your memory alive by including you in things more, talking about you, looking at pictures, watching videos, anything to help it feel like you're still with us.

Faith has a stuffed animal froggy that when you press the hand you hear the sweetest, cutest giggle; yours Mikkie. Everytime I hear that, my ears perk up at one of the sounds that always brings a smile to my face, and now a tear.

I love you sweet Angel!

Love,

Mama

Compassion

Dearest Mikkie,

I can't bring myself to even smile right now, the pain is too overwhelming. I've been saying how glad I am to say goodbye to 2010 and bring on a new year....but the more I think about it, and as awful and heart-wrenching as it was, I want the year back. This will be the first full year without you and it's unbearable to think about. I feel so angry, confused, hurt. The holidays have been down-right depressing. Last weekend I just couldn't hold it together and pretty much hit rock bottom. There were only a few people I could count on to be there for me. The same ones that are always there.
It was that night when we were talking and we came to a realization how involved in our own lives we all are! We make ourselves so busy and are so caught up in our day-to-day living that we are completely blind to what's happening around us. I could be sitting here having the best day of my life, or just going about my day when someone I know(or someone I don't even know but could possibly help) and love is sick, depressed, thinking suicide, starving for comfort, starving for anything, losing a job or house or loved one or their sanity, or just plan having a rotten day and needs a listening ear. I realize that this world has got to do better! We have got to be taking better care of each other, not just watching out for our own skin. I mainly mean me. How do we expect our Savior to come when we are in a state like this. Realizing this could make me feel even more depressed, but instead I'm going to make sure I forget myself and serve others. I need to and want to be more in tune with who is in need of help or who is in need of a friend. I can't believe I've been so dense to not see this a little sooner.
Someone you know Mikkie, is having a very hard time and has not been to church for a while. The thing that baffles us is how not one soul has bothered to check in on them to see why they have not been coming or to say they missed them. Don't you think there is something incredibly wrong with that picture?
So many have lost loved ones recently, the holidays approached; you'd think people would know how rough it would be on them, and call or write saying something as simple as 'we're thinking of you'. I know for myself, I can count on 2 hands the amount of people I heard from. Yet I, myself didn't check-in with people I know are most likely suffering.
A friend of mine is sick with cancer and could possibly go anytime. People have the nerve to say and do unkind things to her. WHY is this, Mikkie, tell me WHY! No one cares, it seems.

I think I know an answer only because I recognize what's been going on in myself, I am among those who seem not to care; We DO care but don't show it. Why? it's because like I said before, we are so busy we're oblivious to anything going on outside our own little family, we're comfortable living in ignorance (what we don't know can't hurt us, right? wrong.), we're ok with mediocre, we simply don't make the time to check in on others, and we figure maybe they're just sick or maybe they just need to be alone and the biggest mistake of all, we assume.

Someone is missing from church or school or work one day, the normal thing to do is assume they are sick, or maybe out of town. I do this and think it all the time for everyone, and think nothing of it. Until last week when I missed church, one day after Christmas and hear from but two people. I was not sick and I realized maybe other's experience similar circumstances when they are not in attendance. Maybe instead of being sick or the other normal list of things we would think to assume, maybe they are in trouble, stuck somewhere, can't get their car to start and no one's around to help, or are home crying their eyes out because they desperately miss someone they love. I cannot afford to "assume" anymore. God wants us to serve one another, but He can't help if we don't make time and make ourselves available.

I'm sorry if I sounded a little harsh Mikkie, I just feel very passionate about this realization I've come to...and I feel very strongly that this is one of the answers to life. It makes sense when you think of the life Christ lived and the example He made; He was always helping others, attending to the sick and needy, healing, blessing and comforting. We need to take this more seriously and follow His example and what He said "Do thou likewise" and show more compassion for others. There's so many times and people I wish I would've taken the advantage to check-in with, including you Mikkie. Maybe not every time we don't check-in with someone, something as traumatic as your experience happens, but we certainly do miss a chance to "save" someone...whether that be physical, mental or spiritual.

Oh how I miss you, Mikkie! How I wish I had the power to turn back time and have you back.
Although this new year is bound to have hard times as we continue on experiencing "first's without you", I hope it will bring more happy times.

I love you more and more every day.

Love me,

Mama

Christmas

My sweet Mikkie,

Christmas just isn't quite the same this year. I've tried to stay strong through it all, but when we went to visit your grave, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. It is a sobering thing to visit the grave of your baby girl on Christmas. As I looked around at the other graves, you are surrounded by red poinsettias, then there's you standing out with your bouquet of bright flowers. You always did stand out above the crowd, you were and always will be my little piece of sunshine, brightening up life with your beaming smile. I can barely get through typing this without getting teary, just thinking of that smile makes my heart ache. My emotions have been fluctuating these past 2 days from feeling peace and joy to heart ache and loneliness.

I can't even imagine what your Christmas is like, being face to face with Christ our Savior. Once again, I believe we are the ones that are missing out.

All I want this Christmas is to feel you with me, as if you were in fact by my side. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't think I've felt you like your daddy has. It frustrates me as well as breaks my heart. I know you're there, somewhere.
I don't mean to sound negative when I say I'm eager for this year to be over. At the same time, I'm clinging onto it because it's the last year I got to spend with you, and as the years disappear, I'm afraid my memories will too. Life is already starting to feel somewhat "normal" and that's not ok with me. "Family never gets left behind or forgotten". I will not let you be forgotten, Mikkie, I cannot and I will not.

I've had quite a few people write me recently with sweet words of comfort and love. It's amazing to me how people, whether I know them or not, take the time to write such sweet, sensitive words. Every single one of the emails were exactly what I needed to hear to bring some comfort. I am extremely grateful to those people for letting their hearts be touched to want to write to me.
The following poem has been shared with me by several people. I've never read it before, and it really touched me.

I’M SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST THIS YEAR
I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars
Reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away that tear,
for I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this time.
I can’t tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?
I’ll ask Him to light your spirit
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.
So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your Spirit sing,
For I’m spending Christmas in heaven
And I’m walking with the King!
--Author Unknown

Merry Christmas my Angel girl. You are greatly missed by so many. I love you more than anything.

Love me,

Mama

Death

Sweet angel Mikkie,

Death has been on my mind a lot lately. I read that this world is the land of the dying, the next is the land of the living (where you are!). For so long I've always thought the opposite, I feared death, but here in this mortal existence is definitely the land of the dying. I think why then do we fear death? I guess before, it was because no one close to me had passed so I was clinging to life and my loved ones, deathly afraid of ever being parted from them. Now I'm torn between wanting to go and wanting to stay, I so desperately want to hold you in my arms again and see your sweet, precious face, but thoughts of leaving Faith and your daddy behind is an unbearable one. So, I'm stuck here feeling like I'm in limbo, knowing I cannot be completely happy until we're reunited with you.

Another thought I had when I was talking with your daddy is this life is like school for us. We come here to learn and be tested over and over. The point being, we are in school, waiting to go on with "real life" like you :) Death is a new beginning.

In the book "For they shall be comforted" once again, I liked the following quote:
" The change called death is ordained of God and is a blessing to man. It would be tragic if men could never be released from mortality that they might put on immortality. Death releases man from his mortal existence and makes it possible his onward progress toward eternal life and exaltation."
I agree with that. Can you imagine being stuck here on this earth? Now that to me would be a hell. After I read that quote I really see death as a blessing.

Another quote says, " I care not whether I am dying or not; for if I die I shall be with God; if I live, He will be with me." I would feel the same way too if it weren't for my family... they are the only reason I care to be alive, well that and shaping myself up so I can be a better person. :)

This quote really stuck out to me as well: "The Lord takes away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."
I am indeed grateful that you don't have to suffer in this wicked world anymore, I should be rejoicing more for your sake. I guess my mourning is selfish then, more for myself; I'm happy for you that you are saved, you have nothing to worry about, it is you that should be mourning for me and the rest of us stuck here.

What gives me most comfort is "Death comes to all of us, but so does life everlasting."
Wow. Since death will be coming to us no matter what we do, the best thing we could do for ourselves is to get prepared. Make sure we give forgiveness where it's due, learn to love ourselves and others with a Christ-like love, make sure that if we would die today we would have absolutely no regrets. That's my goal, to live as if I were dying. Because, we are after all, dying a little more each and every day, getting closer and closer to the land of the living. :)

I will write again soon sweet baby girl, for I have much to say.

Love me always,

Mama

It can always be worse

Sweet Angel Mikkie,

Around the Thanksgiving holiday, I've been focusing more and more on what I'm grateful for. I am reminded that things could always be worse. I think I got it bad, think my life is the worst? I take a look around and realize how good I have it.

I want to share everything I am grateful for dealing with you.

I'm grateful for the day you were born. Even though you had a little colic, you were sweet as can be. I'm grateful that you caught on to nursing so quickly, saving me to have to repeat that distress.
I'm grateful that you were a pretty healthy baby.
I'm grateful for your smile, which always always brought sunshine to my soul.
I'm grateful for your laugh. What I wouldn't give to hear that precious sound again.
I'm grateful for all the "Mikkie hugs" you gave me. You were always so willing to give me one.
I'm grateful for the nights you woke up crying...giving me the opportunity to cuddle with you and rock you in my arms.
I'm grateful for all the times you've cried, so I could comfort you and hold you in my arms longer than you would normally stay.
I'm grateful that I got to know your vivacious, fun, sweet personality. You were so full of life and gave even more meaning to my life.
I'm grateful for all the noise you made, it's a much better alternative to the deafening silence.
I'm grateful for the time I got to be with you, that I was able to stay home with you and didn't have to work. I absolutely treasure that time.
I'm grateful that Faith got to make a best friend, to be with and play with all the time.
I'm grateful for all the times we got to play around with each other, with all 4 of us.
I'm grateful for the hand smudges and marker on the windows and walls from you. They mean more to me than I ever would've thought before, because they're from you.
I'm grateful to have been able to see you conquer many milestones, you were such a quick learner.
I'm grateful for the time we got to have with you, even as short as it was...it could've been even shorter, so I'm grateful to have spent that tiny fraction of your life with you.
I'm grateful that God chose me, of all people, to be your mother. I definitely got the better end of the deal.
I'm grateful that even though you went in the way I'm most petrified of, you didn't have to suffer long at all. I hate to even think about it, but I'm grateful that you weren't hanging on just for me or anyone. I'm grateful that you didn't have to be hospitalized and have it come to a point where we would pray for you to go just so we didn't have to see you suffer.
I'm grateful that you went at a time when we were surrounded by loved ones to comfort and to help us.
I'm grateful for all the pictures and videos we have to help us remember better.
I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation, to know that I get to see you again, and receive the honor to finish raising you!! Oh what a happy day it will be!

I remembered the amazing talk President Monson gave in Conference, "The Divine Gift of Gratitude" and these bits stood out to me:

“When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.
We have all experienced times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on our blessings. Said the Greek philosopher Epictetus, “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."
We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.
The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!

Someone has said that “feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." To express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven."

How true it all is! If I can only live my life with more gratitude; not just expressing it, but living it! My heart is so heavy yet so full of gratitude to my Savior. My blessings far outweigh my hardships, life really isn't as bad as I make it out to be sometimes.....things could always be worse! May I continue to give Him the gift of gratitude and in all things give thanks!

I'm so grateful for you, my sweet baby. I love, love, love you so much!

Love me,

Mama

Accept

Dearest Mikayla,

How I went through two weeks without writing you, I don't know. There's been all sorts of things going through my mind and the times where I felt most depressed (which has been more frequent lately) I refrained from writing because I knew my perspective was turned the wrong way. I didn't want you to think that I'm a complete hopeless mess.

I had all sorts of talks with different people throughout the week and I've seen an important lesson surface. I'm having a hard time because I still feel guilty. People can tell me to not feel guilty and it's not my fault until they're blue in the face, but it doesn't work. You can talk and yell and scream and try to beat things into people, but unless it comes from within themselves, it will have no effect. I think it's natural for any mother to feel guilt (they find a way to somehow assign themselves the blame, whether it's their fault or not). I had this invulnerable thought that if I had not had a bad attitude and stayed in the pool with you, I could have prevented the accident. That fed the thought that it was my fault, I was to blame. Well, it's not my duty to place blame on anyone including myself. Now that my perspective is bit more clear again, I see that I just need to accept what happened,; accept the fact that no matter where I was or what I was doing you still would have gone because you just didn't need to be here any longer. I could be more happy if I could just accept things. Your daddy seemed to have forgiven and accepted things quicker than I, not that it's a competition, but I don't know why I've been struggling as much as I have. It's been a harder battle for me to overcome.

I would cry out "I just want to know why! I just want some answers!" I remembered something I had read and highlighted in a book, "For They Shall Be Comforted" that said "He could give the answer to our questions, Why? but he refrains , knowing that our faith in Him and in His purposes will increase through prayerful searching...... He will hear our earnest petitions and in His own time will give the answer to our question, Why?"
I've had a few people tell me already that I probably won't get my answers. Maybe once I accept things the way they are, maybe after a little more faith is shown, or maybe not at all. Whether I receive them or not I need to accept what God is doing is for the best and in all due time, in this life or the next, I will understand.

Accept: be designed to hold or take; tolerate or accommodate oneself to.
We all live on this earth with this foolish thinking that we have control. We do not! I had to experience one of the worst things imaginable to realize that. Even after that more things happened and happened and happened; the sooner we accept that and the sooner we learn to lean on and depend on our Savior, then and only then will life be tolerable, because we realize who's really in charge. He's the only one we can depend on. I've been going crazy thinking how much I relied on my own strength and thinking I had control on my life. The only thing we have control of, which is utterly important and will determine the outcome of life, is our attitude, which comes as a result of our free agency. I don't think I really knew (even now maybe) just how much power we have in determining our outcome just by simply having the right attitude. Easier said than done of course. Bad things will happen in life, but life itself doesn't have to be bad because of it. It's all necessary and essential in God's plan. Accept it and lean on Christ= tolerable, happy life. Deny it and try to do things yourself= unbearable, miserable life. We choose.

I hate how all these thoughts flow through my head when I'm in the car or away from my computer or paper, then when I do come to write I all the sudden have a writer's block. You'd think it would be easy to write since these are my feelings, not some rehearsed talk or something. Well, whether my words are jumbled or not...you get what I'm saying, right? :)
I will probably do better if I don't let it build up so much. I should write it down immediately, freeing up my mind for more thoughts. Good idea, thanks Mikkie. :)

I have so much more to write, so much more I'm feeling, but that will come in the next letter.

I love you baby girl!

Love,

Mama

Happily Ever After...

My dear little "Pookie",

That's one of my favorite nicknames for you. Your auntie Tam came up with it and it just kind of stuck after that.
Your birthday party was a week ago and turned out great! Well....as great as it can get without the main star there...you. I was hoping that your headstone would have been in by then. I just got an email a couple days ago saying it was in on Wednesday. 4 days late, dang it! If I didn't procrastinate and do it when I first thought about it, it would have been in. At least it's in before the snow came; we would have had to wait until Spring in that case, so that's a good thing. It looks beautiful though, turned out very nice. I like having your picture on it, helps to have a visual.
Your daddy and I were excited to see how it turned out, so we went right to the grave after eating out on our anniversary. Some may say that's a depressing way to spend an anniversary, but I think the complete opposite. It made me happy. New York was our big shabang for our anniversary, so it was nice to just do something simple....and meaningful.

Can you believe your daddy and I have been married for 5 years? It seems like a lot longer than that. The newlywed stage seems like a lifetime ago. I'm sure that's how you feel about this life now that you're in heaven. Hopefully you have good memories of your life here. Even though I can think of so many things I could have done better, we did try our best.

The other day I was reading Your Happily Ever After, it inspired me. I like the part,
"For a moment, think back about your favorite fairy tale. In that story the main character may be a princess or a peasant; she might be a mermaid or a milkmaid, a ruler or a servant. You will find one thing all have in common: they must overcome adversity.
In each of these stories, Cinderella, Belle, and the miller’s daughter have to experience sadness and trial before they can reach their “happily ever after.” Think about it. Has there ever been a person who did not have to go through his or her own dark valley of temptation, trial, and sorrow?"

Adversity is inevitable. It's comes to us all.
"It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop. Enduring adversity is not the only thing you must do to experience a happy life. Let me repeat: how you react to adversity and temptation is a critical factor in whether or not you arrive at your own “happily ever after.”
"You are truly royal spirit daughters of Almighty God. You are princesses, destined to become queens. Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your “once upon a time” is now."

To think that our "Once upon a time" is right now, that we are writing our story right now, living it each and every day.... it makes me want to change the way I do things, the way I view things. I want my Once upon a time, trials and all, to make me a better, stronger woman and that I will be able to have my "Happily ever after". Nothing, absolutely nothing could make me more happy than to make it back to my Heavenly Father and you, my little angel baby, and the rest of our sweet family.

When you look at trials for what they really are, tests to make us better people, to mold us into who God wants us to become, they don't seem as bad. They're definitely not fun to go through, I'm not saying that I want more, but since adversity comes whether we like it or not, ready or not, we might as well let it affect us in a good way.
I don't know if you know this, but about 2 weeks before Bear Lake, I was praying for some testimony building experiences. I joke to your daddy that I shouldn't have prayed for that. I think I had a distorted view about adversity, not that it's crystal clear to me now, but I'm understanding more the need for it. If we didn't have adversity and we all lived happily and comfy and cozy....what would be the point of this life? I think about that and am reminded of the scripture that says "..there must needs be opposition in all things, for without it we could not discern the sweet from the bitter."

I hope that I can let my trials shape and mold me into the person I'm destined to become. I want to reach my full potential and always strive to bring out the best in myself and others.

“Your adversity and your afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if you endure it well, God shall exalt you on high.”

I am determined to endure this life well. It's nice to have a companion, your daddy, who is on the same page and helps encourage, uplift, inspire and love me every step of the way. There is no one else that I'd rather have by my side. You have a pretty amazing daddy, Mikkie. How he ended up with me I don't know, but I'm sure glad he picked me. He is my knight in shining armor and is continually rescuing me from anything. I hope to make my Once upon a time a good and memorable one. Thinking about my Happily ever after helps me get through the drudgery of this life.

I love you very much sweetheart.

With all my heart,

Mama

Birthday

Dearest Mikkie,

Two very short years ago (from yesterday), I held one of the most beautiful baby girl's in my arms that I just gave birth to...what a miraculous thing birth is. Every baby is a miracle. Did you know that your uncle Dale helped pick out your name? I didn't like it at first, but it kept coming back to me. It's supposed to mean 'Heaven sent'. How appropriate is that?! You are definitely a Mikayla, a "Mikkie".

I woke up to the sound of giggling, tiny feet pounding the walls and tiny hands shaking the crib senseless. I sneakily crack your door open and watch as my precious babies play together. Your older sister, Faith likes to climb in your crib and bounce around with you, which I usually discourage but wouldn't want to ruin the tender moment. I accidentally move the door too much, causing it to give a little creak. Both of you suddenly stop and seconds later I have 4 of the most gorgeous blue eyes staring at me with great excitement. Knowing I blew my cover I swing the door open and rush to your crib with my arms wide open ready to receive my girls with a big hug. Both of you scurry around the crib with more energy, happy to have an audience. You jump up and wrap your arms tightly around my neck as I lift you up and squeeze you tight, "Happy birthday Mikkie, my sweet lil angel pie" I shout with excitement! With pure joy you squeeze me even tighter. I swoop Faith up in my other arm, giving attention to her begging to be held also. Today is a special day and I'm throwing a great big party with all our friends and family present. Your eyes light up even more than they already do at all the fun, bright colored decorations. Once your eyes hit the arrangements of delicious cupcakes and goodies, you make a beeline for them ready to poke your fingers right into them. You get a chance to shove your face into one later when everyone sings 'Happy Birthday' to you. You run around following Faith and all of your little friends wanting to be included in whatever they are up to. I watch you from across the room as you have the time of your life with beaming smiles that light up the entire room. I can't help but smile ear to ear when I see that precious smile of yours and hear your contagious little giggle. I sit back and soak it all in, being careful not to move in fear of the moment being shattered.......

....then I blink and confusion hits me as hard as the tears throbbing in my throat. I think to myself, that's how the day should've been, but as much as I want it to be true, the day was the very opposite of that.

I awoke with a heavy heart at the realization that it was the day you would be turning two, but I did not have you here in my arms to shower you with birthday hugs and kisses. My arms were lonely and aching as much as my heart. I forced myself out of bed at the realization I had another little angel downstairs waiting for my love and care. We got ready and drove over to Gramma's house. 1/2 hour and a million tears later we arrive and were greeted by Grampa, who took me lovingly into his arms knowing what I was thinking and what the day meant. We sobbed into each other's shoulder's, paying no attention to the stinging bite of the chilly air.

After mostly the same routine with your Gramma, we decide to head to the cemetery. Faith picked out a special balloon for you and I picked out some vibrant pink flowers that reminded me of you....bright and full of life. It was touching to see your Gramma let the balloon go in the sky as she said something to you. There were a lot more tears than words that day.

I had a very hard, miserable day, Mikkie. I so very badly wanted you to be here, to be in my arms where you're supposed to be. I wanted so badly to go back and change things. When I knew I just couldn't, frustration and anger would seep into my heart. I'm sorry to say I was not as strong as I could've been, and because of that I feel once again I failed at giving you a special birthday. That made me feel even more awful.

After having a long talk with you grandparents, I started to realize that you can't focus on things you can't change or have no control over, it just leads to great frustration. I may not be proud of how I handle things sometimes, but the past is the past, I can make the future better by focusing on the present and just trying again....giving life my best shot once again. I think of the atonement and what that means to me. Christ atoned for our sins, he felt every single possible thing in the whole world from beginning to end, there is nothing that He hasn't felt or experienced. If it was so important that He do this, I know it's got to be important that we take advantage of this great and merciful sacrifice made for us....to never give up- it's NEVER too late to turn around and change. He will accept us gladly with open and accepting arms and be glad that we made the decision to come back. I can sit here and get depressed on my faults and weaknesses and say "What's the point, why should I go on"...because He went on, He did not give up on us that day at Calvary, He went on through the most unimaginable pain ever experienced. I owe it to Him to go on through my trials, through my hard times and not give up on Him. After this life our trials are going to seem like such small, minuscule problems that we will look back and think "look what it made me into today, I'm a stronger, wiser and better person because of those experiences." I have to remember these are growing and learning times, I can learn and grow a lot if I allow it.

Mikkie, I'm sorry I wasted such a special day yesterday. Your daddy told me that the best present we could give you for your birthday would be to be happy. Can I have another chance?I'll try again on Saturday for your party. I won't let it be a miserable day.

I continue to hope that you really know how much I really love you. You are mommy's little girl, you've always been a "mama's girl" and always will have a special place in my heart.

Thank you Mikayla, for coming into our family 2 years ago, blessing and enriching our lives even more with your presence. I am a better person for knowing you, my life is forever changed. I am truly blessed to have you as my daughter. I love you!

Love me always,

Mama

God's will

Dearest Mikkie,

Where to begin? Things would be a little bit easier if we hadn't shared our news with everyone already. Monday I felt like something was wrong when I started spotting, but tried not to worry as this has happened to many people I know and things turned out ok. Yesterday I woke up and nothing had changed, only the color was brighter red, so to get a piece of mind I called a nurse to ask. Apparently she thought it was urgent enough to schedule an appointment for an ultrasound. An hour later I was there in the room, not knowing what to expect. I had hope things were ok until they tried several things and looked at pretty much every organ in my body, then finally had the doctor come in...I then knew things didn't look good. Doctor took one glance and said, "there's the sac, but there's no baby in it, I'm sorry." I thought, What?!?! What do you mean no baby! According to my diagnose "Blighted Ovum", I was pregnant at first but it didn't go through. All 3 of them stood there staring at me, and I thought to myself, "Little do you know what I just went through 2 months ago. You have no idea how much harder this is after such an ordeal, this isn't just any miscarriage, it was my HOPE." At that moment I didn't want anyone to be in the room, so I hurried talking to him, got out of the room, zipped to my car (with Faith in tow) and my heart just burst with pain and tears that I thought I was more immune to by now.

When Faith came to the front seat and gave me a hug, I said immediately through my mumbled words, "Faith I love you, Please don't you ever leave me!" It was more of a desperate demand than a suggestion. I didn't know quite what to think about life at that point. All I knew is I didn't feel like driving, I just wanted to cry and beat something up...too bad I wasn't by my punching bag, I could've really used it. Instead I just clenched my fists and screamed, letting it all out.
By the time your daddy and Aunt Tammy got there, I was a bit more calm. Tammy took Faith for the night and daddy took me out to eat and a movie. At first I didn't want to do anything. But I had remembered the prayer I said on the way to the doctor's.

When you were being flown to the hospital, those 2 1/2 months ago, I found out the hard way that life is so much easier if we accept God's will and make it our own. I prayed so hard for what I wanted, that I didn't make time to think or feel what His will was. I think I even knew what it was, but foolishly thought that if I prayed hard enough or bartered, He would change it, but God does not barter. We accept and do His will or we are just asking to be miserable.
So, I tried to do things a little differently this time, hopefully learning from the first time, and I said to Him, "I don't know what's going to happen, and once again I feel like everything is out of my hands. I beg of Thee to let this baby live and I may continue to have a healthy pregnancy, BUT... (this is what I did not say last time, it was "do it or else I won't _ _ _") if it's Thy will that this baby not survive, then I pray ye will bless me with the spirit of understanding, comfort and peace strongly." Of course it didn't happen right away, God allowed me some time to vent my frustration (which I think I was entitled to) and grieve the loss of another baby; a baby I never got to meet.
When your daddy took me out for dinner, we got to a park to eat, and I could see the worried look on his face. Worried about me. His comment about not wanting me to go crazy made that clear. I suddenly felt invigorated as if Someone had breathed in me, hope, love, and peace. I told him that I'm ok. Amazingly enough, I felt at peace with things. I told him I know it just wasn't meant to be, if it was, things would've worked out. I'm not sure why it had to happen at this exact timing (kind of rotten in our opinions), but it was God's will. I know it's just another test. Maybe I didn't get it right the first time, or maybe there's just something else to learn. I know that this is not a punishment, I know God loves me, and I know He's very aware. I seem more able to accept His will this time, and therefore allowing the spirit of peace and comfort to envelop my soul. I thought of Joseph Smith and his wife, Emma and all the trials they went through, yet through all that they stayed strong. I thought of how many babies Emma lost and how I can relate to her, but one thing I didn't have and I wanted was her faith and strength. Joseph not once cursed God, he knew that through all that, great things would come from it.
I hope that God sees me as a woman of faith. I hope that when all is said and done, I will be judged as dealing with my trials well, and that I can be counted among those great people like Joseph Smith, Nephi, and so many others.

In this time of great misfortune and amongst so much sadness, I want to take a minute to give thanks. It's almost Thanksgiving time, which I think is a very appropriate time. Although, every day is appropriate to give thanks. I have so much to be grateful for. I am extremely grateful that I still have my sweet girl, Faith with me, and my loving husband. We're all healthy and not struggling with illness. I still have most my family here also, who have been angels in my life uplifting, encouraging, comforting and loving me at all times. 5 years ago another great family was added to my life, the Harper's, I have been blessed by knowing them and have also felt of their love, comfort and support. We are blessed to have a job, in these times that is a great thing. We have a beautiful home with so many comforts. We have 2 more guardian angels looking out for us, rooting us on to make it to the finish line, saving us a spot in our heavenly home. We have a loving Father who is over all, who knows all....that should bring us all great comfort, to know that the One who's in charge over everything is so just, so loving, so forgiving! And even if I lost everything, it would only be for a short time, and even then I would still have my faith...that is something that can never be taken away without my consent. I'm grateful to be alive to help accomplish God's work and to do good things, and do His will...which I'm still praying to know. I know I will be more happy to be on the same page as God.

Mikkie, my heart has been very heavy this past week and I have been aching for you, I really hope you know how much I really love you. You are such a sweetheart and I love having pictures to look at your sweet, precious face that I see everyday. I'm honored to know that I was living with a Celestial being. If only I treated you more like one. Til' we meet again, my angel......

With much love,

momma

Roller Coaster

My dear Mikkie,

What a life! no words to describe it except WOW. I'm sure many other people would say the same. Things hittin ya from all directions, happy and sad, good and bad..giving you an emotional roller coaster.

When you left I told myself and others that I would not have any more kids "why should I have more kids if God's just going to take them away?" were my exact thoughts. When I was able to snap out of my first wave of depression, your daddy and I knew that our family just felt incomplete and empty (it even did when you were still here.....but even more so now that you're gone.) Well, here I am 2 1/2 months along in my pregnancy with a sibling I'm sure you picked out yourself. It is a sweet miracle.....honestly not the miracle I was looking for at the time, but I'm happy, God knew He needed to send me another child soon...not that it will in any way take your place....in fact that's one of the things I'm afraid of. I have so many mixed emotions...people ask me if I'm excited and I feel bad thinking "no, not really....not like I was with you and Faith." I feel guilty for feeling that way then I think of things like "what if I don't love it as much as you and Faith", "what if I love it more than you", "what if i always compare it to you", and all sorts of other questions that I'm sure others would think is just absurd, but deep down inside it's how I honestly feel. I'm sure things will change once the baby is born, at least I hope it does, because this is just added guilt on top of the guilt I already have. I also have mixed emotions on whether I want a boy or girl (not like it matters what I want...it will be whatever it will be) I think to myself...if it's a girl I think it will feel more like it's replacing you, but then again I love my little girls! If it's a boy it would feel less like it's replacing you but....I don't know how to raise a boy...kind of a scary thought :) i'm so used to girls. I know that whatever it is, it will be for the best. God knows what we need.

Another wave on the roller coaster was added when we found out my Aunt died a couple days ago...very sudden, out of nowhere....just like you. What is going on up there? :) It's just crazy how you can be talking with someone one day and the next they're gone. It all happens all too fast. Life happens way too fast....which under recent circumstances, I'm grateful for, I just need to make sure to use my time more wisely. We're going to the funeral tomorrow. I'm not sure how I'm going to react, hopefully better than how I was last night.
Last night I hysterically cried myself asleep; tonight I laughed myself silly til my stomach hurt. Your dad thinks I'm delirious. Is it possible I'm going insane? I was doing fine til your daddy took Faith out trick-or-treating last night, and for some reason that made the volcano of tears erupt. Maybe I've been holding it in the past little while, it's been a few weeks since I last cried....and boy did I ever cry last night. Thoughts of last year came to me when they went out, you were home with me to keep me company...this year I was all alone. I've been alone several times before, I don't know why this time was any different. I'm surprised the baby is surviving all this stress and trauma...that to me is a miracle.

So, like I say, life is interesting, always keeps us going. Despite all my mixed emotions, I sure am looking forward to meeting your other sibling. Any hint to what the gender may be? ;) We'll be finding out soon anyways. To think that they are with you right now and will come straight to us right after just gives me chills. When I look at your little cousin Kelsey, who was born just 2 days after you left, I think "this baby was just with my baby girl!" How amazing. How lucky these people are to be with you that are up there now. I envy them. I can't wait to see your precious little face again. Until then....would you please let me feel you near? It sure would help ease my pain, to feel your precious spirit with me.

Now I feel like I'm just rambling. I love you so much Mikkie. I'm sorry I struggle so much, I'm trying, trust me, I am.

Love always,

Momma

Roots

Dear Mikkie,

It's been next to impossible to have time to sit, think and write lately. It's also been impossible to not think about you. Especially being places where we have memories with you. We're here in CT with your Grandpa and Grandma H. I can't help but think the last time we were here, you were with us. Your first plane ride (which you did very good by the way), your first time to a beach, your first time being to Rita's (best stuff in the world-put in a recommendation for those in heaven for me please, if it's not already there :)... everytime I think of Rita's, I think of you on the table, crawling over to my cup and taking a big chomp off the top with your mouth. It was the funniest thing. In fact we got a picture of it.

In the room we're staying in, I can still picture in my mind your playpen against the wall, you in it looking disgruntled because someone just disturbed your slumber, baby powder all over your head and sprinkled all over your crib along with tampons strewn all over. It was quite the sight. Faith had quite a fun time doing it. Sadly, we didn't get a picture of that.

It was little things like that, that joggled my memory and my heart sinks the same time I smile.

We talked about Job today in church, your Grandpa taught the lesson and did a great job. I thought it was very applicable. It's good to be reminded. I wish I could redo some things and be as faithful as Job was. He mentioned something about trees and their roots and asked indirectly how deep our roots are. Is our faith rooted so deep that nothing will make us waver, or do we do just enough to get by, just rooted enough that we drift away in the slightest amount of adversity? Can we hold on when the waves of adversity hit us from every angle? Not alone we can't, but with God all things are possible. I know that I've been able to make it each day because of Him....I would not have survived otherwise. I pray that my faith will never falter me and will continue to grow stronger. It has already been tested and tried more than I ever imagined but grown immensely as well.

My faith is deeply rooted in my Savior, Jesus Christ, I could never deny Him or all He has done for me. He is and has always been there for me.

Mikkie, you are gone but I know you live just as surely as He lives.

I kind of feel like I've been neglecting you by neglecting this blog. I just need to make the time to think and be still. I love you so much and think of you everyday. I sure wish you were here with us. Vacation just isn't the same anymore.... well, life isn't.

I promise I'll be back sooner.

love always,

your momma

I'll Think of You

Sweet Mikkie,

Life seems to be going in fast forward lately. Which can be good and bad. Life still feels like a dream, and I can't wait to wake up from it. I've been surprisingly calm lately (emotionally), it's not just a picture that brings tears, it's music. Music has always had a great impact on me and how I feel.
Remember the poem I wrote for you and read at your funeral? I had a few people saying I should make it into a song, but it wasn't until your uncle Dale said something that I really began to take it seriously. He is incredibly gifted with music and I had no doubt at all that he could come up with something beautiful. It didn't take him long at all and the first time he played the melody for me, I couldn't contain myself...tears just kept streaming down.
We had to change my poem a little to make it fit the music, and I had to come up with the chorus. It took me a while til I found the words that felt right.
We had the music done then talked of recording it. It was missing something. Singing. Someone has to sing the words, that's what the song is about. I immediately thought of a gal in our ward who has an amazing voice, Stephanie Hill. She has some cd's she's recorded and I remember hearing her voice before. She was so kind and willing enough to do this for me.
Well, last Friday we did it. We recorded it and I have my very own cd of your song. I've always thought it would be cool to put words to music, but cannot compose to save my life. I'm very grateful to Dale and Stephanie who have helped make this a reality, and prefect at that. The song could not be more perfect. I never have a dry eye when listening to it.
I hope you love it just as much, Mikkie. It brings me close to you. I put together a little slideshow that goes along with the lyrics. I know it's not professional, but I tried my best, just know it comes from my heart.

I am going to do a tree in memory of you for the Festival of Trees this year. I'm very excited. I'm going to sell this song for $1 and all of the proceeds will go to help with it....which will in turn go to Primary Children's Hospital....the place that tried so very hard to revive you. Most of all I'm hoping this song will touch others' hearts, as it comes from the heart of a mother who lost a most precious, angelic baby girl whom she loves more than life itself.

I love you and I'll think of you.....Mikayla, always.

With love,

Momma

**If you would like to purchase this song, you can click the Donate button below or on the top right hand side of this blog. You can purchase it for $1, and any donations will greatly be appreciated. All proceeds will ultimately be given to Primary Children's Hospital. The song will be emailed to you within 24 hours of payment.

Thank You.**

Awake

My dear Mikkie,

It's crazy how well I can be doing one day and thinking to myself 'ok, I can do this' to feeling like even the simplest task is unbearable the next day. Your daddy is very good to me, Mikkie. I've been very blessed by him and the power of the priesthood he holds. He has never, not once, given up on me. He has been there with me through my darkest hours. Besides my Savior, he truly is my best friend. He's there when I need him the most.

I got this handout back in Seminary days and have loved it ever since. Remembering this each morning reminds me of the decisions and actions I need to do... Richard G. Scott said in his recent talk from Conference, "strong character results from consistent correct choices." I want to be consistent in having good thoughts and making good decisions, so I live my life in such a way that when I wake up each morning satan will say "Oh no, she's awake!"

Another quote that I found that goes along with this, that I like also is, "It's not enough to just say you believe in God, Satan BELIEVES in God.. we need to believe in God in such a way that every day has us striving to LIVE for God."

There is a war going on around us. There is increased wickedness in the physical world, yes, but there is a spiritual war going on all around us. The forces are strong on both sides, but in the end God always wins, light overcomes darkness, good triumphs evil.

Mikkie, there is so much I'm learning right now, I've been so blind to so many things. I think I've been content with the knowledge I've had before and being the way I am....which isn't nearly enough. I can learn and do so much more! I feel I've been spiritually stagnant and I'm just sad it's taken something like this to wake me up. All this has woken me up to many things.

It's not just physically awake that the quote is talking about....to me it also means being spiritually awake. You can never let your guard down....I'm seeing more and more the minute you think things are going ok and let your guard down the tiniest bit, you get attacked.

I pray for the strength to always keep my guard up.

How's that for another totally unorganized, random thought? :) It's taken me a while to write to you because one it's been a busy week, two I had a very hard weekend and three I've felt I was unable to accurately articulate these thoughts and feelings running through me...but I finally figured something is better than nothing. If I wait too long I'll have so many thoughts I won't even know where to start and most likely won't write anything. I don't want to stop writing, it brings me comfort....you're not here to talk to, so this makes me feel like we're having a conversation, even though I can't hear you.

I keep finding myself calling other people by your name....today I called Kuzco, Mikkie. :) Your uncle called Faith, Mikkie Monster yesterday....Faithy monster just doesn't flow the same. I like to say and hear your name though....it's hard enough having you gone, it's even harder not hearing about you or at least your name. I miss telling people the latest cute and funny thing you've been doing, you always made me smile.

Alright, I'm done now. I love you more than you'll ever know sweet girl.

Love,

momma