August 14th

Sweet little girl,

I've been putting this off long enough. Not totally on purpose, there's been a lot going on. 

August 14th, your Angel-versary was a hard yet touching day. I was and still am in awe with all who participated in that day in memory of you. It was very touching to see pictures, receive all sorts of messages, calls, emails, etc. all to support us through this trying day. 

The latter half of the day was more of a challenge than the beginning. The memorial we held at your cemetery was sweet but I didn't feel your spirit like I would've liked.

Well, without a doubt I was grateful and humbled by everyone's support, and absolutely loved the pictures that were sent my way. They brought tears to my eyes. They probably will never fully know just how much this all meant to me.

Mikkie, I miss my little girl like crazy! I'm grateful for the angels on both sides (earthly and heavenly) that continue to strengthen and hold me up especially through the extra tough times. 

I really don't know what else to say other than.... I just love you so much. 

Love me always,

Mama

"Angelversary"

Dearest Mikayla,

I was talking to my friend, Derin last week and when I heard her say Angelversary instead of anniversary, I immediately knew what I wanted to call that day. It's hard to know what to call the day that you tragically lose someone who means the world to you; it's not a celebration (at least not for us), so Angelversary-the day you became an angel, seems so fitting.

That day, your Angelversary, is tomorrow, I can sense it coming, is that strange?

This past week has been... Tough, to say the least. And now we're coming upon the 14th; I just hope my body can emotionally handle it. My emotions are pretty much shot.
Last week was supposed to be your little brother's surgery on his awesome double thumb. We were surprised to find out it was just an evaluation that day, so the actual surgery isn't til the end of the month. But I still had to go inside of Primary Children's hospital, which I haven't been to since that dreadful day two years ago. Your gramma came with me and thank goodness! She helped to keep breathing. We were almost to the hospital when what should come zipping loudly past us but an ambulance. Flashes of memories came flooding in and so did the tears. My mom helped to not completely lose it, God bless her, really. We made it inside the hospital and after a bit I started to feel like those memories (nightmares) from that day were being clouded from my memory. That's the best I can describe it. It was a blessing, I knew that God was blessing me with strength and that you were there to help bear me up along with my mom. What a bitter yet sweet experience. Now we have to go back again in a few weeks but this time I'm going with an extra purpose in mind.

I find solace and peace by spending time at your grave... I don't like that word, wish there were a better name to call it... You place of rest? Sometimes if I haven't been for a while, I actually yearn to visit you there. When I'm there, I talk to you and feel like you are there listening and comforting. Sometimes I receive answers to things or get inspiration. Last week was one of those times; I yearned to be there and it was a sweet experience, even if I was bawling my eyes out.

I love you so very much, I just can't say it enough. I pray I can feel you wih me as I enter another week of hard things.

Love me always,

Mama

Day of Forgiveness 2012

This time of year already, I can't believe it. How has two years gone by so quickly yet dragged on ever so painfully? Some think that after a certain amount of time, one is "done grieving." That is certainly not true and is certainly not for anyone to decide. The days of sobbing with an aching heart have become further apart but the pain is still there. I still burst out in random times. The second year has not been much "easier" than the first as there have been a whole new set of circumstances. Like I can no longer say, "Last year at this time, Mikkie was with us....." and just realizing that the more time passes the more my memory starts to fade. Though some things are crystal clear and I will never forget, there are some things that if I haven't written them down, or taken a picture or recorded a video... it would probably slip my memory. Thank goodness I recorded as much as I could in my journal and on here right after; though half of my journal during that time went missing and is now lost somewhere in the cyber world. I'm still grieving over that as well. 

There are a couple reasons I started this "Day of Forgiveness". 

First, to do something in memory and honor of Mikayla; something that would mean a great deal to her and also make the world a better place- which is just what she did... she made the world a better place, and life is no longer the same without her.

Along with that, I knew that by focusing my energy on something positive, it would make August 14th a little more bearable of a day and not dreaded as it has been.

I also did it because I needed to forgive myself. All the guilt and regret I felt was weighing me down and I was begging her to forgive me for not being a better mother, for not being there when she needed me most.... When I realized that she has already forgiven me and that I needed to forgive myself, I started working on and praying that I could forgive myself. People may say there's nothing to forgive, that it was an accident and it was her time to go, etc, etc... but to move forward in this process, I needed to forgive myself. How can I truly forgive others if I can't give myself that same mercy? The one who is the hardest and most in need of forgiveness is ourselves. 

So, as this day approaches here very soon, I invite anybody and everybody to help observe this Day of Forgiveness in memory of our sweet angel, Mikayla. To do so, participate in all or any of the following:

* Think of someone who you need to forgive or need to seek forgiveness from and make it an earnest, sincere goal to free yourself from that burden.

* Release a *white* balloon into the sky as you think of that person. 

Or just release a white balloon in memory of Mikkie :)

* Send me experiences of forgiveness, pictures of you releasing the balloons. Totally optional, but if you feel inclined, I would love to read/see your experiences on August 14th and share them (with your approval of course) on this blog to help inspire others! Email to lmjharper@gmail.com

I chose white balloons because:

White symbolizes purity, truth, perfection... While none of us will ever be perfect in this life, that is what we are striving for. I read that how the color white affects us mentally and physically is:

- aids mental clarity
- encourages us to clear clutter or obstacles
- evokes purification of thoughts or actions
- enables fresh beginnings

How suiting.

I encourage you to read the following as you keep in mind the name of the person you seek to forgive.

This talk by President Uchtdorf is just amazing and inspired. I believe it was made for this day.

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Forgiveness for our sins comes with conditions. We must repent, and we must be willing to forgive others. Jesus taught: “Forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not … [stands] condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin”

Of course, these words seem perfectly reasonable—when applied to someone else. We can so clearly and easily see the harmful results that come when others judge and hold grudges. And we certainly don’t like it when people judge us. But when it comes to our own prejudices and grievances, we too often justify our anger as righteous and our judgment as reliable and only appropriate.

The moment we judge someone else, he explained, we condemn ourselves, for none is without sin.

When the Lord requires that we forgive all men, that includes forgiving ourselves. Sometimes, of all the people in the world, the one who is the hardest to forgive—as well as perhaps the one who is most in need of our forgiveness—is the person looking back at us in the mirror.

When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following: STOP IT! We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children.

“Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

 We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? Should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?

Is this difficult to do? Yes, of course.

Forgiving ourselves and others is not easy. In fact, for most of us it requires a major change in our attitude and way of thinking—even a change of heart.

Jesus said it is easy to love those who love us; even the wicked can dothat. But Jesus Christ taught a higher law. “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”

The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine. Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other.

In a world of accusations and unfriendliness, it is easy to gather and cast stones. But before we do so, let us remember the words of the One who is our Master and model: “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.”1

Let us forgive. Let us talk peacefully with each other. Let us be kind. Let the love of God fill our hearts.

There is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment. We are not perfect. People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always be that way. Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lord’s way. 

Somehow forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way.

There is no true forgiveness without forgetting. 

Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.

Remember: in the end, it is the merciful who obtain mercy.

-------

Thanks ahead of time to all who decide to join me in honoring our Mikalya with this day I declare National Day of Forgiveness, which I believe can make the world a better place.

Comforting angel

My sweet Mikayla,

A little while ago a new friend of mine, whom has also lost her little girl, sent me a picture that immediately touched my heart when I saw it. She sent it at a most needed time too. Now every time I cry (which is pretty frequent) I think of that picture and imagine you being right by my side, being my comforting angel. The problem is when I think of that, it makes me cry even more because it touches me so, thinking that you may be so close to me, I just can't see you! May all who have lost or will lose a loved one find at least a little bit of comfort from this picture.

This sculpture, made in Slovakia, originally represented unborn children (abortions) coming to give forgiveness to the mother. It very well depicts the sorrow of a grieving mother with her angel baby coming to her comfort also. It's just beautiful.

Now instead of the 'unwanted' memories intruding my mind, my thoughts turn to this image of you by my side. It brings me much more comfort.

Sweet girl of mine, thank you for anytime you may be at my side. You are probably here more than I'm aware.

I love you very much, Mikkie.

With all my heart,

Mama

Music

My sweet Mikkie,

Last night we had the pleasure of attending a musical fireside put on by your uncle Dale and Stephanie Hill (same one who sung your song). They are both amazingly talented and the spirit is felt strongly when I listen to them. I hope everyone's hearts were touched that were present.

Dale had asked me to bear my testimony at the end and I had no clue what to say. I got up there feeling like I was blubbering. I meant what I said though. I mentioned how music is such a powerful tool of God's. It can touch the deepest part of our souls. I quoted a saying that I happen to have on our wall in the living room; "Where words fail, music speaks." There are times where there are just no words to describe how you feel (which I feel more often than not), that's where music comes in and somehow, like magic expresses exactly what you are feeling. These past 2 years music has become even more important to me. The way it can connect with my soul and soothe my grieving heart is a comfort to me. A lot of Dale's music can do that for me. I cannot even listen to your song that he composed, without sobbing. I get frustrated that I can't even listen to my own song that I wrote for you very often, but it's because the words are very personal to me and the music brings out the rest of what I feel that I could not write. It's too perfect. So you can see why I have such a hard time bringing myself to listen to it, it's the perfect song for my little Mikkie.

I am inspired by those who use their musical talents for good, to uplift others and help build up the kingdom of God.

I have no doubt that music is a big part of your life as it is mine. The way you beamed when we would sing you lullabies, and the way you danced with such enthusiasm and personality and even the way you would dance to things without music- it didn't matter, you could pull your own beat from the dryer, washing machine or daddy's beat boxing. All of those things and more tell me that you loved music while you were here, I can imagine that you love it even more now.
As I think of what you are doing up there in Heaven, one of the things that comes into mind is the Mikkie dance :) Every time I ask Faith what she thinks you're doing she says you are playing with the balloons. :) Get ready for many more balloons here soon, as we are closely approaching your two year mark. Which I don't want to think about until I absolutely have to. Sigh.


I love you my sweet angel baby!

Love always,

Mama

Accepting but not Ok

My sweet Mikayla,

I've had a good talk with your daddy this weekend. He's been such a good support to me, really helped by listening to me. He said a few things that stuck out to me that I really didn't think of.

God is a good God; loving, understanding, patient, accepting, etc... It wouldn't make sense for a loving God to take a loved one away and say, well good luck with that! Buck up and deal with it! He obviously knows what He's doing and what's best for us but that doesn't mean that He expects us to be ok with it. He knows how hard it is for us and He expects it to be extremely hard (that's an understatement). He knows and understands that some days I am just plain upset as to the unfairness of this all. He knows that I have only a fraction of the view and knowledge that He does and His understanding of it all greatly surpasses mine own. He also knows that I still love Him and always turn to Him in prayer, whether it's with a humble plea or a ranting of my pain. I'm not ready to tell God I'm ok with it all, that I understand; I just deal with life one day at a time and slowly trying to become a strong person that can totally and completely put my trust in Him.
It's ok because I feel like He doesn't have such high expectations that I hold for myself; He's more forgiving. He is understanding that I accept what has happened but am not ok with it.

I read an article today and part of what they said goes along with what I'm sharing:

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this is the new reality;" is not permanent thank goodness, but nonetheless is still reality.
"We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live."

Spot on there. I'm very grateful for a loving God who understands me in my grief and is ever so patient as I imperfectly deal with this and thankfully not alone.

Im sorry you have to watch your imperfect mom deal with this all in such an imperfect way. I feel like I'm back at square two again in the grief process. Once again I'm finding the need to be patient with myself, it's not even been two years yet.

I love you so much little girl!

Love,

Mama

Patience

My sweet girl,

This past little bit I've been thinking about and trying to practice patience. 'Trying' being the key word. :)  I used to think of myself as patient, and then I grew up, got married and had kids. Seems to get harder with age. I think it's a difficult thing to achieve especially in this "microwave" generation, as Pres. Hinckley would call it. We want what we want and we want it now!

I feel it's gotten even worse since you've been gone. I even find myself being bitter about it that I'm being "forced" to be patient to see you again. I have no choice but to wait. Wait for who knows how long before this void in my heart can once again be filled. I want you back now!

President Uchtdorf explained this perfectly:
"Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter."


No doubt he was talking straight to me. The reason it's extra hard for me now is because I'm having to put one of my greatest desires ever on hold.... the desire to have you with us, to raise you with your sweet siblings and watch you all play together. The desire to see you grow up into a beautiful young woman and discover your potential and cultivate your talents.

Patience isn't merely waiting, it's enduring. And not just enduring, but enduring well. I think right now I'm doing good enough to wait. I'm striving to endure, let alone endure it well.

"Never give up on anyone. And that includes not giving up on yourself."  That's my problem right there, not giving up on myself. We're our own worst critics right? It's been a long process over these 2 years but I feel I'm slowly making process; not only does everyone else need to be patient with me through this grief, but I need to be patient with them as well AND myself. Losing a loved one is one of the greatest tests of patience that's for sure.

You're always in my thoughts, Mikkie. Every single day. I love you!!

Love,

Mama

Alone

Dear Mikkie,

Isn't it weird how you can be surrounded by lots of people and still feel alone?

Missing you so much my little girl, it's especially hard now... This is the first time we've been on vacation with daddy's family since you left... I'm finding it hard to fight back my emotions sometimes. Everyone of course is real sweet but it's just not the same without you Mikkie. Mama needs you right now.

Love,

Mama

Understanding

My sweet Mikayla,

I've been really struggling, wishing that people could understand without having to go through this themselves. As I was reading some talks I came across the lyrics to one of my very favorite hymns:
"Where can I Turn for Peace"

Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace 
When other sources cease to make me whole? 
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, 
I draw myself apart, Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run? 
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? 
Who, who can understand? He, only One.

He answers privately, Reaches my reaching 

In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend. 
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. 
Constant he is and kind, Love without end.

["Where Can I Turn for Peace?" Hymns, 1985, no. 129]

No song could be more perfect for how I feel right now. 

Who, who can understand? He, only One. While others may not ever understand what it's like, I have peace in knowing that there is always One whom I can turn to.

All my love,

Mama

21 months

Dear Mikkie,

I've brought this up before, about not rushing life. Not rushing routines. Not rushing period. I wanted to bring up a specific memory that I thought of while I was sick a week or two ago.

I was sick, your brother wasn't feeling well, your daddy was still gone on his trip and your gramma came to my rescue. Again. She's a lifesaver.
She asked me what I was sick with and I was expressing frustrations that I wanna get up and do stuff, not make people have to clean up after me and such. She reminded me that I just need to slow down. I thought that maybe sometimes we get sick because we're being forced to slow down, and take it easy.
Rather than condemn myself for things I didn't do or how I did them, I want to focus on the time I'm grateful for when I didn't rush. A moment that comes immediately to my mind where you were teaching me this, was one of your last days here.
I can still see it in my mind. I was sitting on a chair at the beach with a couple other people. All the kids were playing in the sand closer down by the water, but you were right by me. I kept telling you to go play with the kids but all you wanted was to be held. You were usually running around playing with everyone, I thought maybe something was wrong. How completely clueless I was.
I cuddled you in my arms and stroked your strawberry-blonde, crazy wind-styled hair. There we sat in peaceful, relaxing silence as I held you close, feeling the beat of your heart against my chest.... Something I didn't know I'd die to feel, just a few short days later.

So when your Gramma mentioned 'don't let people rush you'. The first person that came into my mind was myself. I'm the worst at rushing myself, creating too much chaos in my life.
We never get time back, once it passes, it's gone forever. Time is strange.
I'm grateful for that Sweet reminder from you that day, some 21 months ago. Can you believe it? 21 months since you left.That's as long as you were here for on this earth.

Missing you so much baby girl.

Love,

Mama

A Mother's love

My dear angel Mikkie,

I came across this quote the other day and it touched me. I've wondered at times if you truly know how deeply I love you, and when I read this it made me believe that you just might.


No one else will ever know
the strength of my love for you.
After all you're the only one who knows 
what my heart sounds like from the inside.

What a bittersweet day. For so many, not just me. There shouldn't be just one day we focus on mothers, they should be commended and remembered every day.

I am so grateful to have your sister and brother with me, that's what makes this day bearable. I feel so honored to be their mother and yours as well. I definitely got the better end of the deal, to be your mother.

You have nothing to thank me for, I am the one that should thank you.. Thank you for coming into our family and for making our lives so much richer. Thank you for all the precious memories for me to often think on so tenderly. Thank you for making me a proud mama and for making me a better person, and not just from your life but your death as well. Your death has taught me so many valuable lessons that I pray I never forget, and has helped me to see how I can become a better person, especially as a mother. I try so hard not to focus on the things I coulda shoulda done, otherwise I spiral down into a scary place.

It was a low-key, relaxing day. Daddy hasn't been feeling well for a while now, his body is just messed up, so we just took it easy. We turned on your home videos, it was about time to pull those out again. This was the first time we've watched with Spencer and it was interesting to see his reaction. Yes he's only 4.5 months old, but he knows a lot more than we give him credit for! I had him facing the tv and when he saw your face up close on the screen, he just burst out into a cry and then started babbling like he was trying so hard to say something! It was amazing! Having him part of our family is a huge blessing especially at this time. It's such a great comfort to me to have him look so much like you and do so many similar things. Daddy jokes that you were born to us again but with 2 extra digits.... ;) Another amazing thing that always brings tears to my eyes is when I am sitting on the couch, Spencer stares intently up at your picture and coo's, giggles and smiles like crazy and/or just sits there fixated on your face as if you were there. I have no doubt that you were here today, Mikkie. We felt your sweet spirit here. I don't feel it often, and that's probably because I make myself overly busy. So it was nice to have a slow day and to take time to think and ponder and focus on what a blessed mother I am! I love all 3 of my little angels.

Faith is such a sweet, patient girl. She has so much patience with daddy and I as we often bawl our eyes out. While Faith does miss you, we're obviously having a much harder time. This whole grieving thing is new to us all, and we're blessed to have such a patient, loving little girl who understands. She's so quick to give us hugs and tell us she misses you too. She's also does amazingly well with Spencer. She is so very good to him, it makes my heart melt. I don't have to ask her to help with him, she's always quick to rock him in his swing, sing to him, play with him, make him laugh. I can tell she has a very soft spot for younger kids. I hear from neighbors that while other kids are a little rough to the younger kids, Faith is so kind and involves them in activities. It does my heart good to hear this.

How did I get so blessed with such amazing children?! I hope to be the mother that they deserve and that you will be proud of.

I love and miss you so very much!!

With all my heart,

Mama

Is it still hard?

Hi my sweet angel,

I forgot to tell you about a new friend I met a little bit ago. Wish it could have been through different circumstances though. She lost her little girl as well last year and I wanted to get in touch with her and hoped to share feelings and insights. We were on the phone for a good few hours and had such a sweet conversation. She is a great person and my heart really aches that they have to suffer this trial as well. It was nice to have someone to talk to who has a lot of the same thoughts and feelings as I. She asked me what is the hardest thing for me. It's hard to summarize all of it, it's all been hard, each stage has a particular thing that's hardest at that moment, but I told her that as of recently it is how your name is not really brought up anymore. Everyone likes to talk about their kids, even if they've died... especially then do I want to talk about them. So what if I talk about the same things sometimes, I only have a 21 month span to go back on. I asked her what's the hardest for her to which she replied "guilt." Flashback of those feelings came back. I knew all too well what she meant. The exact same thoughts. Oh how I felt for her, her pain is still so raw and fresh. Not that I don't feel pain anymore, I still bawl my eyes out, but time certainly eases it a bit.

Since then I've gotten in touch with a few other moms who have lost their angels also. Again I ask, what in the world is going on over there, Mikkie? Why are so many precious little souls being taken? And a lot of the cases that have happened within the past year or two have just been bizarre, including yours. How and why does this happen?! I know I'll never actually get that answer, not in this life at least, but I still ponder it quite often.

We think about you every single day, sweet girl. How could we not? Just like in my song for you..... "You're in my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams".... Every. Single. Day.

I may not cry every day or go around clearly looking distraught but that doesn't mean that it's not hard anymore and definitely does not mean I'm "better" or "back to normal"...whatever that is. :) I still take life one day at a time and will continue to until the day I die.

I think people confuse my moments of numbness as me feeling better. No, my body is just trying to save and heal itself before the next round of emotional trauma. I think these moments are crucial to my survival, at least to save my sanity.

So in answer to the question of those who have asked or will ask..... Yes, it is still hard. I don't see that ever changing.

Loving you, missing you and thinking about you everyday!

Love,

Mama

Easter

Dear Mikkie,

What a beautiful Easter we had! I love this time of year and the reason we celebrate Easter- Jesus Christ, the atonement and the resurrection. All of which have a greater meaning to me now.

It is a very humbling thing to lose a child and to be on this side of the spectrum. I forget that people forget and move on with their busy lives; it's not their child, so it doesn't effect them the same or not at all.
I'm trying to remember what it was like before you died, how did I respond when someone else lost a loved one? I was very sympathetic and shared my condolences but we all go on, maybe feeling a little more gratitude to have our loved ones still.

Our savior experienced the most unexplainable pain when accomplishing The Fathers will through the atonement. He suffered in silence and felt like He was alone as He exclaimed, "Father if it be possible, let this cup pass from me, nevertheless not my will but thine be done.".
I remember begging God for the same thing only difference is instead of submitting to His will, I bitterly cried out "Why hast thou forsaken me?" (The same thing Christ cried out as He hung on the cross) when I realized It was not His will for you to live.
That's an extremely gut-wrenching realization to deal with.

Talking and thinking about the Resurrection brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart as I think of being able to see you again!
God has been my constant comfort in addition to sending angels, earthly and heavenly, every now and then, to help hold me up, to comfort and support me until that time comes to see you again. I've been needing that probably more times than others know. This has been and will always be a hard burden to bear; Though as I accept the Lord's gift of the atonement and lean on Him, putting complete trust and faith in Him... I will endure it well to the end.

Some gratitude

Sweet Mikkie,

Have I mentioned yet how much little Spencer reminds me of you? It's uncanny. What a blessing to have yet another reminder of my sweet little girl.
I can never have enough of those.

Daddy's been having a rough time with his asthma lately, another reminder of you though not the pleasant kind. I have a hard time seeing him struggle to breathe especially since it makes us both think about that unthinkable day. It's been a scary few days with that, which brings me to my gratefuls....

I'm extremely grateful your dad is doing a bit better. Breathing is kind of a necessary thing to live. I'm grateful for God's mercy in continuing to spare his life. I just may completely lose my sanity if I lost someone else.
As if we've forgotten, it's been an added reminder to cherish life and every moment we have with each other. Seize the moment and waste no time with the petty things.
I'm grateful to God for each and every moment of my life and my loved ones. Life surely is more bearable with them.

I'm grateful to God for continuing to spare our life each and every day, all it takes is for Him to stay His hand and we are gone.

I'm grateful for the few who still talk about you! Who continue to ask how things are or invite me to share my memories about you, even if I've shared them before... I only have a short span of 21 months to share. It makes me happy to talk about you and so I relish in every moment I get to reminisce of my sweet angel girl.

Thank you, our sweet guardian angel, for watching out for us. I've felt divine help on more than one occasion lately and know without a doubt you were the angel helping us.

I love you so very much! Know that there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of your sweet face.

Love always,

Mama

Distracted

My dear Mikayla,

2 months already... So much for the weekly reviews. I guess I need to make a goal to start my goal. Ha I have been thinking about my blessings, just haven't recorded them. I think it's more effective to write them down though, so here goes another try.
I've missed writing to you. So why haven't I? It's a therapeutic thing for me and I actually think I'm doing a bit better when I am writing you. So I don't really know why.

It seems like there's been one thing after another since your brother was born. It's like I was being tested to see if I really would look for the positive in hard times. I don't think I did the best but I did try. That's got to count for something right?

I'm very, very grateful Spencer hasn't got sick yet! He did have one fever but I felt more calm than usual when we took him to the doctor. After daddy gave him a blessing, the fever went away within a few short hours. I was for sure counting my blessings!

I'm grateful to have had a good recovery. The weird, annoying little problems I did have could have been a lot worse, and so I was counting my blessings then also.

I'm grateful that all the close calls with daddy's asthma/allergy saga didn't end up as trips to the ER; No more ambulance/ER experiences for me, thank you.

I'm grateful for good friends. The kind of friends you can vent to and talk their ear off and they're still there listening, and not judging.

I'm grateful for good health! This has been one nasty winter for sickness. It's been visiting and revisiting our neighbors many times, talk about relentless! I count myself fortunate that we're as healthy as we are.

I continue to see more and more how important it is to keep a positive attitude. Being negative can suck you down into misery. It's a choice we have to make each moment, each day.

I love my baby girl so much!!

Lots of love,

Mama

Christmas

My precious Mikkie,

I don't know why it's taken me so long to post this, I started writing it 2 weeks ago.

This Christmas was sure different and also better than last years. Christmas will always be bitter sweet, this one was especially. Welcoming your baby brother into our family on Christmas Eve was by far the best thing I could've asked for. I expected to be completely emotional in the hospital, but when he was born I felt no emotion, it was weird, probably because my emotions and hormones were overly exerted. I was relieved to have him here and have labor over with though. Every time I look into his sweet little eyes, I can't help but think of you. You were my last baby and all my memories come back as I remember doing the same things with you; changing your diaper, giving you your first bath, trying to soothe and calm you at night, being close as I fed you, rocking you in my arms, giving you countless kissies on the head.... as I do all this for little Spencer, I think of you, and I hold him a little closer, kiss him a little more, cuddle him a little more. You are not here to give hugs and kisses so maybe as I give both him and Faith even more extra hugs and kissies, you will feel them and feel my love for you, because you know if you were here, I'd hold you in my arms and never let go.

So I felt little to no emotion at the hospital, that is until your gramma and I started talking about you and how little Spencer was your gift to us for Christmas. That's when it hit me. Your brother, this angelic little bundle in my arms came directly from being with you. As soon as the nurses brought him to me, I held him close, gazing into his perfect little face and when he opened his eyes.....oh man, it gets me every time he opens his eyes, I sense the sweetest spirit. When he smiles, I know it's because he can see you and is letting us know that you are here with us. He looks so much like you! I didn't really realize it until I was looking at your baby pictures. How did I get blessed with such beautiful babies! :)

I was really wanting to be home with Faith for Christmas, so 24 hours after Spencer was born, we were able to go home. It was so sweet to see how excited Faith was to see her new baby brother. I just feel bad that she's been sick so hasn't really been able to get to know him and hold him. Rotten timing to get sick.

My thoughts have been with you even more so through the holidays and the arrival of your little brother. There has definitely been more tears recently. So many random times tears come out of nowhere. I wake up, tears well up in my eyes along with the ache in my heart. I'm sitting down minding my own business and I feel a flood of emotions. I look into Spencer's sweet eyes and the tears flare up again as I feel a sense of deja vu looking into big, beautiful, blue eyes. Just typing this has me crying. Your sweet presence is greatly missed here.

I love you so much!

Love,

Mama

Bits and pieces

Dear sweet Mikkie,

The subject of death has been on my mind a lot lately.... a pretty common topic on mind since you died. Most recently though because of quite a few things going on like your grandparents surviving what could have been a fatal car crash, some friends rushed to hospital or sick with untreatable illness, Faith and I also a gnat's eyebrow from getting smashed into (twice), dad having breathing problems with asthma..... it's all been a little overwhelming. Yet a continuous reminder how Precious life is, how fragile and short it is! At times like this I tend to experience major anxiety and I freak myself out by imagining the worst possible case scenarios for everything. Usually I'd be able to talk myself out of it, but now when a worst case scenario has actually happened, I know that anything can happen. What does this all lead me to? Feeling what I hate most... utterly helpless. I have no control over life and I know it, so I fall to my knees in prayer and first vent out loud to God all my frustrations, while sobbing with desperation. Then I ask what to do, because I never know what to do, I'm always in need of His help. I sit there in silence until I can sob no longer and my tears dry up. I usually always end up feeling good after, as if God heard every word and understands my pain and was there to comfort me. I may not get answers right then but I always receive a feeling of peace and feel like I can take on life again. I'm so grateful for that. I think I would probably go insane if I didn't have God to turn to. He is always there to my rescue.

It's been interesting hearing Faith bring up your accident a lot more lately. Out of nowhere, when we're just sitting at home or driving she'll start talking about it. How she doesn't want to go by pools, or else she "will drown and die like Mikkie", and how Gramma Harper was holding her to keep her safe from the pool and she saw me and daddy crying by the blue pool. It's just interesting the way she describes things and I try to help her express herself and make her feel comfortable about sharing her feelings. It's a good thing that she's coming out with it, even though it's in bits and pieces and over a long period of time. She was playing 'House' the other day with a friend and told me she was the mommy and he was the daddy and their baby and kid died. I didn't quite know what to say. That's normal to her, to have a child die in the family... what a sad reality that is for a child to live with. I hope I'm dealing with all this in the right way. I want to encourage her to talk about things, but there's been a few times where I feel maybe I talk about it too much that she acts uninterested and talks about something else. She is such a sweetheart and it melts and breaks my heart every time she talks about you. She really loves and misses you so much, Mikkie. As do I.

Christmas is coming up and is never an easy time. Last year was downright awful and depressing, I'm surprised I even survived it. This year is better, but it's still hard to look up and see your stocking, knowing that it will not be used. Last week your grampa, gramma, faith and I went to your grave and had a good cry. I needed a good cry, I had been holding it in for a bit. We had gone to see The Forgotten Carols a few days before and it was great! I didn't at all expect though, for him to sing his song "We can be together forever someday" at the end. When I heard the first few notes, a feeling of dread came to me, I knew exactly what song it was and I was not prepared for it. After they had sung the chorus a few times, he asked each of us to think of someone who couldn't be there that night whether they were overseas in Afghanistan or elsewhere or on the other side of the veil... and asked us to think of them while singing it. I of course immediately thought of you and I tried so hard not to lose control right there. My lips were sore after from biting them so hard, it took every last bit of energy I had to not burst into hysterics. Oh man, just thinking about it brings back the feelings. So it was since that night that I had been holding in my feelings.

How do you like your decorated grave? My favorite is the mini tree with star lights, they are perfect! Every time we go to visit your grave, I always think how surreal it all feels. That's the best way I can describe it, it is all so surreal and doesn't feel real. At the same time, it does, my pain and aching heart remind me of that.

I sure love you my sweet girl! I can't believe Christmas is coming up this weekend... Faith is extremely excited. If it weren't for her, it would be difficult for me to find excitement. She brightens things up around here, I just love her so very much! What a blessing each of you are to me. Truly, there is nothing more I want than to be with my family for Christmas. Stuff and things have no comparison to it. I will obviously have to settle with you being there in spirit, but as long as you are... :) it will be a great Christmas. Oh, and P.S. PLEASE tell your brother to hurry up and get here!! We are extremely anxious to see him!! It would be the best Christmas gift ever :) So, before Christmas would be nice..... not like you are in control, but maybe pass this along.... just sayin' :)

With much love,

Mama

Gratefuls W-Z

Dear Mikkie,

It's taken me long enough to finish this up! I got caught up in a nice long, relaxing Thanksgiving weekend with daddy and Faith. I love spending time with them. We went to Temple Square on Sunday to see the Christmas lights and every time we go there I think of the last time we went with you, just before we left for Bear Lake. I'm so glad we went, such precious pictures, videos and memories we got from it.

W- I'm grateful for Weather... the four seasons. Even though for a few years now it feels like there's only been 2 or 3 seasons.. I love each season and the change of weather, yes even the freezing cold...mainly because I love the snow! The land looks like a totally different place when it's covered in blankets of fluffy white snow.

X- I'm grateful for.... because this is a more tricky word, I'm going to improvise. I'm grateful for fede eX. :) there's the x. What a cool service to be able to have something delivered overnight if you need to.

Y- I'm grateful for Yards. I like having our own little space, and I even like to work in the yard and make it look beautiful, it's a good feeling :)

Z- I'm grateful for Zip lock bags. They are such a great convenience to me and make life that much easier :)

I love you my little girl!

Love,

Mama

Third Birthday

My sweet Mikayla,

I don't know why I've taken so long to write about this. Almost as hard as planning your birthday. I've never had such trouble planning a party before but this time it was like one mental block after another, the only thing I could think of was the theme being Stars, going along with "I am like a Star shining brightly". I was getting very discouraged because I wanted to make it a great party, where everyone would enjoy themselves while focusing on you, it just seemed overwhelming. I've never been able to live it down how I didn't throw you a big birthday on your first and only birthday here. I thought I would have another chance to do it the next year. I never should've waited.

So I kept thinking and thinking, and finally after talking with a few people they mentioned maybe you were trying to tell me something, to just keep it simple. How could I do that? I owe you a big party, but that's not what is important to you. I felt like that was the answer, so I just had family over for cake and ice cream where I had all your cousins help blow out your candles. It was sweet. I then shared what I believe your birthday wish would be:

There's a time for everything, a time to mourn which was more for August 14; and there's a time to celebrate which is what your birthday is about, celebrating your life and the time we had with you. I believe you wanted us to laugh and be happy. You were one of the most giggly, smiley, happy people I knew and if you were here you would have most definitely been laughing with that cute lil raspy voice of yours :).

We had your movie playing on the tv (compilation of all home videos, edited, with you in it) which was my favorite thing, I love watching that and am SO grateful we took all those videos of you! And the kids... and actually most adults were entertained with all the balloons floating around.

it was a simple, yet beautiful party. I believe you were there and could see you having the time of your life with all the balloons. Of course I cried throughout the day, it's only natural to miss your sweet presence on your special day, but even then I still felt peace and comfort the whole day. It was just a really nice day. I'm grateful for those who came to help celebrate you, you have so many people who love you!

Earlier that day, daddy. faith and I and some of my family visited your grave with beautiful flowers and 3 balloons that Faith picked out :) 3 because that's how old you would've been. I love my visits to your grave, and hope it is and continues to be a good memory for Faith. We talked about you together, which helps, I think she's still not sure how to express herself sometimes especially regarding you and what happened. Little things come out here and there and I take the opportunity to explain or just talk about things with her. She's an angel just as you are. Did I tell you that she made sure to tell me at least 5 times how much you love your cake? I made a purple glittery star cake and as I was frosting it she kept saying, "Oh, Mikkie really loves her cake, mom!" It made me feel good. I hope you enjoyed the whole day as I did.

Thank you for coming into our family and for filling our lives with so much joy, we had some great times! Thanks for continuing to be my angel, I love you so much!

Love,

Mama

Gratefuls Q-V

Sweet baby of mine,

Here I go on to the next bunch of gratefuls :)

Q- I'm grateful for Quiet moments. Life is always so full of noise and distractions, it's nice to have those quiet, peaceful moments where you can think and ponder,

R- I'm grateful for Raspberries. Raspberry anything I just love!

S- I'm grateful for Senses. All 5 of them. I'm so grateful to be able to see, hear, smell, taste and touch. I wouldn't want to be without any of them.

T- I'm grateful for Time. The time that we have is very short. It seems like time takes forever at the moment but in retrospect you realize it passed in the blink of an eye. Time is very precious.

U- I'm grateful for Unity that I feel in our marriage and our families. We're blessed to both have such great families and that we get along so well.

V- I'm grateful for Vacations. It's so nice to have occasional vacations to unwind and escape real life for a bit. I usually come back feeling refreshed and ready to take on life again, it's just nice to have those occasional breaks :)

Thanksgiving is in 2 days and I'm so looking forward to it! I love long weekends like this and that we will have more time with your daddy. I'm cooking the turkey, wish me luck, I hope I don't totally ruin our meal! :)

I love and miss you, Mikkie! You will most definitely be in our thoughts as we go through yet another holiday without you.

Til next time...

Love,

Mama