I cannot even believe it's been 5 weeks since I last wrote. I can't find the appropriate words to describe this past month. Seriously. How about, sigh. :) And there's still 2 more weeks to go until your 1 year mark. I can hardly even believe that. Actually, I don't want to believe it. Is there a belated phase of denial because I think I'm going through it. I feel as though I have my heels dug into the ground not wanting to move as I'm harshly being pushed forward.
People ask me about what's going on for August 14th and each time I give the same answer, "I'm still working on the details." Which is true, I have thought about it... a little. It's like I'm subconsciously avoiding it for as long as possible. Not exactly a fun "anniversary" to plan. So many emotions going on all at once, this oughta be interesting. I have no clue what to expect on that dreaded day. We're going to be sticking around close, definitely not going anywhere near Bear Lake or pools. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about that place. People say I will want to go back to that place eventually...right now I say they're crazy. We'll see, as of now there are no plans to go anytime in the near future.
That was the bitter side. On the sweet side, two days later on August 16th we get to find out the gender of our baby! I'm very excited about that. Can you already tell what an emotional roller coaster that week will be? As if life hasn't been already. :) Then it's party after party following that. So I will be keeping busy for sure.
As crazy as it's been, I've felt you more than ever. I've always complained that I don't feel you near. To which I've heard many people say that you're probably a lot closer than I realize, I just can't see because you're so close. I wished that were true but didn't fully believe it. You ever notice that things don't happen the way you think? Because you're expecting something totally different than what you're actually receiving. While I have been looking for something bold, something completely obvious, I've been missing the picture. I feel like I should be having visions or I don't know, some unmistakable sign that you are here with me. It seems like that's what happens with almost every other person I hear about, so I've been expecting the same. Nothing. Or so I thought. If I just take the time to let go of all pride and pretenses and any idea of what I think I should receive and instead have an open mind and heart, I feel things I haven't noticed before. Or maybe I have, just have been too stubborn to admit it, because it's not in the way I'm expecting. Does that make sense? What I'm trying to say is that for the first time since you died I felt your sweet, precious spirit right with me. There was no mistake about it. It's an experience I'll never forget. I believe that you are here a lot more than I realize. I love you so much my sweet baby girl, and I do know that you love me too. I know it more so now.
I love you my little twinkle star.
With much love,
Mama
