Sunday, June 26, 2011


My sweet, sweet Mikkie,

Life.... what to even say about it. Let me start off with a quote that I was just reminded of, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". How true that is! I often wonder how I can even bear to go on with life, even the simple tasks of getting out bed and getting ready. How do I do it? I'll tell you one of my biggest motivators is Faith... yes my faith and my Faith. :) She is a constant reminder of you and I just take one look at that sweet, precious girl and I know I have no choice but to be strong. Obviously being blessed with comfort from the spirit makes it a little more bearable, thank goodness for that.

What I really wanted to talk about is the news that has made me happier than I've been in a while. Knowing that this baby is coming straight from being with you just gives me the chills, I'm so excited to meet this baby! I must say I was paranoid and stressed at the beginning when I thought it was another miscarriage. I just had to put my mind at ease, so I went to a few dr. visits and come to find there was indeed a baby in there and it had a heartbeat. That put me a little more at rest, but then I knew I hadn't even passed the 3 month mark like I didn't last time. So there was more worrying, crying, stress and then the first appointment, heartbeat again. It was a big relief. The timing of everything with this pregnancy seems no coincidence. Had my first appointment on my birthday, June 14th, will find out the gender sometime close around August 14th(so not looking forward to or ready for this day), and I'm due around Christmas. The more I think about it, there has to be a reason I got pregnant when I did, it just seems too planned. Which will give me something happy to look forward to on each of these hard days. I see this as a blessing. What a more perfect time to have a baby than Christmastime. I have a feeling this will be a Christmas to remember.

When we tell Faith about the baby in my belly, she says "it's Mikkie!" Wow, if only that was the way to bring you back, that or flying back in a helicopter like she still thinks. Oh poor girl. I tell her as gently as I can that this baby is not you, it is another brother or sister and that they're up there with you. I wonder how much she understands of what's going on.

I was watching a video of you and Faith comes up and says "That's Mikkie! She's my best friend." Will this girl never cease to melt my heart? If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to make sure she does not forget her best friend, Mikkie. :) None of your other siblings will know you like she does, but you can bet I will help them get to know you.

I love you Mikkie. I pray you will be with us as we approach these tough weeks ahead. Or somehow get my wish granted of a Fast Forward button. Or just please let me know you're here, somehow.

Love me always,

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Memorial Day

Dear Mikkie,

While the details are still fresh in my mind, I want to share this.

Yes, of course Memorial Day was a tough day, although the days leading up to it were more tough. Maybe because of the anticipation of the day? That's what our life is anymore, crying, crying and more crying.

Most my family came to your grave with us, which was good, I needed some support. It was very rainy and pretty cold, we had umbrellas out and shaking as we stood there hovering over your grave. I was thinking "really, the rain couldn't wait? it was just clear before we came." It rained and poured. As we were all there huddled together, a thought about the rain came to my mind when I heard daddy say "she's crying for us." I thought of the line in my poem/song that says, "every time I see the rain falling from above, I'll think of you, shedding tears each time I cry for you." And I couldn't help but think that maybe that was true. It wasn't until a few moments later, when the rain quickly dissipated and the warm sun came shining down, that I realized while this may seem like ordinary weather to others it was no coincidence for me. It was a sign. It was amazing how warm it got and then I thought of my other line in my poem "every time I feel the sun shine through the clouds, I'll think of you, letting me feel the warmth of your love." It was just too perfect, the timing and order and everything. Everyone there noticed it. Did that ever get me to cry. It was indeed a very special moment. We had all put our beautiful flowers down already and I remembered I forgot something in the car. I went to the store before to get the flowers and as I was walking past the aisles, I had the thought to get some bubbles. So I did. We brought out the bubbles, one for each kid and they all ran around having fun with them, including the adults. :) To me, it was a precious moment. I could clearly picture you running around with the kids, chasing the bubbles and having so much fun. You loved playing with bubbles, that's why I got them. Bubbles would go fast with you because you'd hold the container sideways, spilling most the bubbles, so that's when I started holding it and blowing them for you. It was far more fun to watch you chase the bubbles. As it was with these kids, at first they were blowing them, then the adults took over and all the kids ran after them. After the fun little moment, we decided to get going. Without further delay, it started raining again. I'm grateful to have experienced that whole special moment, especially with my loved ones, it made it even more special. Thank you Mikkie, I don't know what kind of strings you had to pull to pull that off, but thank you! I know that God listens to even the smallest of my prayers and answers them in His own timing. The timing of this couldn't have been more perfect.

I love you! I miss you! I love you!




Dear Mikkie,

My heart is very heavy tonight. I miss you so much. Random bursts of sobs today, a bit on the unbearable side.

Change used to be a good thing, I would usually welcome it. Doesn't seem like the case anymore, I've had about as much change as I'd like and it's not even been the good kind. I like familiar more-so now. Anything and anyone that connects to you. It's weird, I don't know quite how to explain it, but it's been weighing heavily on me lately.

Most of our neighbors have/are moving and it not only makes me sad because I like them but because of my connection with you through them. Is that weird? Well they say people that grieve feel "weird" and sometimes "irrational" things that can really only be understood by them. Daddy and I have had the thought that maybe we should move since all of our friends are moving, but I couldn't leave this house. I would feel like I'd be leaving part of you here and that just kills me, there's too many memories with you here, after all you did live your full, short, life in this house. My heart just aches at the thought of leaving. So the only option is to move forward, taking life day by day, change by change.

My birthday is this week. I'm not really excited for it...I don't feel excited about much anymore, maybe sometimes but it's short-lived, it's not like it used to be. Obviously nothing is anymore. One big factor of my unexcited-ness for my birthday is because it is on the 14th.... that has become a cursed number to us, it's not the 13th, it's the 14th. The only thing that is remotely good about my birthday is that I'm 1 year older. Yes, I am now happy to be getting older, it means I'm that much more closer to being with you! Probably twisted thinking, but hey can you blame me? Time is bitter-sweet; we want it to go slow so we can enjoy and soak up every moment with sweet Faith, yet we're glad that it seems to go by fast because we're anxious to see you again! Ugh, I feel so messed up. Understandable seeing as my life seems to be going kids dying before me, that's not the way it's supposed to go.

At least there are a few things in my life that will never change, which is what I'm clinging to at these times of desperation. My faith and my love for you (and all my loved ones too, of course). No one can ever take away either of those, I actually have control over something. As my faith grows, my love for you grows more and more and I just wish you were here so I could show you how much I love you. A big Mikkie hug would make everything right. Which reminds me, today in my first outburst, Faith came over to me and gave me a big, gentle hug. She hardly ever gives me lingering hugs, they're always short. You were more of a hugger/cuddler. This time she stayed there, not saying anything, comforting me with her sweet hug while I sobbed and then sobbed some more from her sweet gesture. She's my biggest connection to you, she reminds me so much of you, sometimes so much it hurts. I love you both so, so very much.

Love me,

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Your sister

Dear, precious Mikayla,

Now that I talked about remembering, I'm going to write down these thoughts before they vanish. See, I'm learning already! :)

If I haven't said it enough, your big sister just loves you so much. I hope you know that. She brings you up and talks about you to pretty much anyone. It is so sweet and heart wrenching to hear her talk about you with such adoration. I have often wondered if she sees you at all or feels you so close she knows you're not really gone. I hear stories about some kids being able to see their dead loved ones and wondering why everyone else is so sad because to them they are still there. I have tried asking her before, but I don't really get a clear answer and I don't know if she's telling the truth or telling a tale.
The other day we were coming back home from Grandma's and Faith said "Mommy, let's go to Mikkie's grave, ok." She's never asked to go there before, it's usually me telling her we're going. I wasn't planning on stopping by that night but how could I not after that? Remember when I would put you to bed and blow you kissies right before I left your room? That has become our "little thing" and we do it, all 3 of us, every time we leave your grave. Faith is more than happy to blow you kissies and seems to be ok more with visiting your grave.

Something else I wanted to tell you; Faith graduated from Preschool last week! She got a balloon and when we got home she immediately told me, "I wanna give Mikkie my balloon!" while running outside. I knew exactly what she was thinking. She let it float up in the sky. What a sweet gesture, she remembers us doing that for your birthday. Before she would've been sad to lose her balloon, not anymore.

Faith can seem to always sense when I'm thinking about you, maybe it shows in my face more than I realize. She says either, "You miss Mikkie, mommy?" or "I miss Mikkie" after sensing my sadness. I can't tell you what a blessing she is to me and how much comfort and happiness she has brought me through all of this. I'm so grateful she got to know you as much as she did and that you two got to spend basically 24/7 together. There's many memories packed into that short amount of time and Faith remembers a lot of it. I love to hear her talk about you, or anyone for that matter! When people talk about you (obviously not the day you died, but when you were alive) I feel slightly as if you're still here, still existing. If anyone's more in tune about that, it would be Faith, she's not afraid to talk about you and that makes me happy. I see more and more that you can learn so much from a child, they're so innocent, pure and honest, for the most part ;)

Sweet Faithy is like a glue that keeps holding me together, keeps me sane. She is a blessing to both daddy and I. As are you Mikkie, you have been and always will be a blessing to us. I love both of my little girls more than I could ever even describe it.

Love me always,


Remember, remember

Dear Mikkie,

I think it no coincidence that the scriptures repeat the word "Remember" so many times. If it weren't so important, it probably wouldn't be talked about so much. I am a good example of forgetting things, and need to constantly be reminded again and again....really, we're no different than children. I was just reading and came across this neat example of how we can remember to remember :)

"While thinking the other day, I glanced down at my CTR ring and thought, “If only we would remember to choose the right.” Then it dawned on me that CTR could also stand for “choose to remember.” If we remembered our true identities and divine potential, we would make better choices!

Then it hit me that CTR might also represent “Christ the Redeemer.” What power and strength would come when we were challenged with evil or temptation if we were reminded to choose to remember Christ the Redeemer.

My CTR ring took on new meaning that day. Now when I think about what these three letters can represent, I am reminded that I am not left alone to face my challenges if I choose to remember Christ the Redeemer."

That impressed me. I have been trying to remember "WWJD" What Would Jesus Do, which would help me if I could remember. So I like this....CTR, Choose To Remember. I'm going to try that out.
There's still so many things I'm learning and then learning again and again. I wonder how many times it takes for something to finally get through to a person. I was just talking with someone recently about writing things down. Every so often I'll actually write my thoughts down right when I have them, I find that highly more effective than what I usually do: thinking to myself "I'll remember this in the morning or later" but when morning or later comes I've forgotten all about it or can't remember certain details and it's lost. That's happened so many times to me it's not even funny, it's so frustrating to have a good thought or idea and then not remember it, just that it was good. I think I've finally (maybe, hopefully) come to the point where I'm serious about writing things down in the moment, I can record them much more clearly then. I think of times, like your death, that if I didn't write them down not only would I lose some of the detail (which I much rather would've gotten out back then than now) but also the feelings I felt right at that moment in time. That to me means just as much to me as the words, being able to feel emotions through words. When I met, dated and married your daddy, I was grateful I kept a journal and wrote down my feelings then. Some of it is quite amusing, to say the least, but a lot of it I totally forgot about and am grateful I have the words to look back on.

I had heard in a talk somewhere that when we receive inspiration or answers and we write them down, it shows God that we're grateful for what we've received. I'm going to try my best to do better on that. I want God to know how grateful I am for the inspiration, ideas, answers, etc I get. It could be for anything, big or small, I'm going to write it all down and sort through and assess them when I have time. At least I'll have them written down when it's clear and fresh in my mind.

One thing I have no problem remembering is you. Even so, I'm grateful I have written down my memories of you and such in a journal I kept just for you. I sometimes have to rely on that journal to remember some things, I guess sadly, my memory is blocking out more than just your death. In addition to the journal, I'm extremely grateful for all the pictures and videos we have of you!! Especially the videos to be able to remember your laughs, voice, and sweet, fun personality. Yes they bring me to tears every time, but they make me so happy! Another thing we have done to remember you... I put up a shelf in the family room where we see it everyday, of items that remind us of you: sippy cup, lock of hair, certain toys, etc. Not to mention we have pictures of you everywhere. It's next to impossible to forget you. Imagine what would happen if I did the same thing for my Savior. I just had a thought that yes I'm remembering you....but am I trying to remember Christ? I realize that I don't have very many pictures of Him. That will be another thing for me to work on, getting the Savior in our home so we will always remember Him. I think that I would automatically think of you when I remember Him.

I love you so very much! I love writing these letters to you and "talking" with you. Thanks for listening to me, not just in these letters, but in my thoughts throughout the day.

Love me,