Sunday, July 29, 2012

Comforting angel

My sweet Mikayla,

A little while ago a new friend of mine, whom has also lost her little girl, sent me a picture that immediately touched my heart when I saw it. She sent it at a most needed time too. Now every time I cry (which is pretty frequent) I think of that picture and imagine you being right by my side, being my comforting angel. The problem is when I think of that, it makes me cry even more because it touches me so, thinking that you may be so close to me, I just can't see you! May all who have lost or will lose a loved one find at least a little bit of comfort from this picture.

This sculpture, made in Slovakia, originally represented unborn children (abortions) coming to give forgiveness to the mother. It very well depicts the sorrow of a grieving mother with her angel baby coming to her comfort also. It's just beautiful.

Now instead of the 'unwanted' memories intruding my mind, my thoughts turn to this image of you by my side. It brings me much more comfort.

Sweet girl of mine, thank you for anytime you may be at my side. You are probably here more than I'm aware.

I love you very much, Mikkie.

With all my heart,

Monday, July 23, 2012


My sweet Mikkie,

Last night we had the pleasure of attending a musical fireside put on by your uncle Dale and Stephanie Hill (same one who sung your song). They are both amazingly talented and the spirit is felt strongly when I listen to them. I hope everyone's hearts were touched that were present.

Dale had asked me to bear my testimony at the end and I had no clue what to say. I got up there feeling like I was blubbering. I meant what I said though. I mentioned how music is such a powerful tool of God's. It can touch the deepest part of our souls. I quoted a saying that I happen to have on our wall in the living room; "Where words fail, music speaks." There are times where there are just no words to describe how you feel (which I feel more often than not), that's where music comes in and somehow, like magic expresses exactly what you are feeling. These past 2 years music has become even more important to me. The way it can connect with my soul and soothe my grieving heart is a comfort to me. A lot of Dale's music can do that for me. I cannot even listen to your song that he composed, without sobbing. I get frustrated that I can't even listen to my own song that I wrote for you very often, but it's because the words are very personal to me and the music brings out the rest of what I feel that I could not write. It's too perfect. So you can see why I have such a hard time bringing myself to listen to it, it's the perfect song for my little Mikkie.

I am inspired by those who use their musical talents for good, to uplift others and help build up the kingdom of God.

I have no doubt that music is a big part of your life as it is mine. The way you beamed when we would sing you lullabies, and the way you danced with such enthusiasm and personality and even the way you would dance to things without music- it didn't matter, you could pull your own beat from the dryer, washing machine or daddy's beat boxing. All of those things and more tell me that you loved music while you were here, I can imagine that you love it even more now.
As I think of what you are doing up there in Heaven, one of the things that comes into mind is the Mikkie dance :) Every time I ask Faith what she thinks you're doing she says you are playing with the balloons. :) Get ready for many more balloons here soon, as we are closely approaching your two year mark. Which I don't want to think about until I absolutely have to. Sigh.

I love you my sweet angel baby!

Love always,

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Accepting but not Ok

My sweet Mikayla,

I've had a good talk with your daddy this weekend. He's been such a good support to me, really helped by listening to me. He said a few things that stuck out to me that I really didn't think of.

God is a good God; loving, understanding, patient, accepting, etc... It wouldn't make sense for a loving God to take a loved one away and say, well good luck with that! Buck up and deal with it! He obviously knows what He's doing and what's best for us but that doesn't mean that He expects us to be ok with it. He knows how hard it is for us and He expects it to be extremely hard (that's an understatement). He knows and understands that some days I am just plain upset as to the unfairness of this all. He knows that I have only a fraction of the view and knowledge that He does and His understanding of it all greatly surpasses mine own. He also knows that I still love Him and always turn to Him in prayer, whether it's with a humble plea or a ranting of my pain. I'm not ready to tell God I'm ok with it all, that I understand; I just deal with life one day at a time and slowly trying to become a strong person that can totally and completely put my trust in Him.
It's ok because I feel like He doesn't have such high expectations that I hold for myself; He's more forgiving. He is understanding that I accept what has happened but am not ok with it.

I read an article today and part of what they said goes along with what I'm sharing:

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this is the new reality;" is not permanent thank goodness, but nonetheless is still reality.
"We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live."

Spot on there. I'm very grateful for a loving God who understands me in my grief and is ever so patient as I imperfectly deal with this and thankfully not alone.

Im sorry you have to watch your imperfect mom deal with this all in such an imperfect way. I feel like I'm back at square two again in the grief process. Once again I'm finding the need to be patient with myself, it's not even been two years yet.

I love you so much little girl!


Tuesday, July 10, 2012


My sweet girl,

This past little bit I've been thinking about and trying to practice patience. 'Trying' being the key word. :)  I used to think of myself as patient, and then I grew up, got married and had kids. Seems to get harder with age. I think it's a difficult thing to achieve especially in this "microwave" generation, as Pres. Hinckley would call it. We want what we want and we want it now!

I feel it's gotten even worse since you've been gone. I even find myself being bitter about it that I'm being "forced" to be patient to see you again. I have no choice but to wait. Wait for who knows how long before this void in my heart can once again be filled. I want you back now!

President Uchtdorf explained this perfectly:
"Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter."

No doubt he was talking straight to me. The reason it's extra hard for me now is because I'm having to put one of my greatest desires ever on hold.... the desire to have you with us, to raise you with your sweet siblings and watch you all play together. The desire to see you grow up into a beautiful young woman and discover your potential and cultivate your talents.

Patience isn't merely waiting, it's enduring. And not just enduring, but enduring well. I think right now I'm doing good enough to wait. I'm striving to endure, let alone endure it well.

"Never give up on anyone. And that includes not giving up on yourself."  That's my problem right there, not giving up on myself. We're our own worst critics right? It's been a long process over these 2 years but I feel I'm slowly making process; not only does everyone else need to be patient with me through this grief, but I need to be patient with them as well AND myself. Losing a loved one is one of the greatest tests of patience that's for sure.

You're always in my thoughts, Mikkie. Every single day. I love you!!