Saturday, March 26, 2011

Faith's birthday

Dear Mikkie,

It's been a better week. I've been wanting to talk to you about Faith's birthday. I know it was a few weeks ago.
Faith had fun at her party and I had so much fun throwing it for her. Everywhere I looked though, memories of her birthday last year flooded my mind. I could hear the pitter patter of your tiny feet running around, you carrying giant lollipops, smiling and giggling with all those people around. With all the rush of getting things ready for the party, I didn't have time to do your hair. It's fun to see it messy sometimes though, no matter what you always looked so cute!

You can see with all these precious memories of you and knowing that just last year Faithy was running around with her best friend having the best birthday, you can see why I just broke down after the party. It was what started everything. I had to focus on the party and be happy for Faith, so I contained my tears, but that can only last so long. Not good to hold things in, I end up exploding later.
I know Faith misses you as much as I do, she is just stronger and probably feels you a lot more than me. I'm so glad I was able to stay home not just so I could be with you, but so Faith could be with you and get to know you more.

I think of you always, my sweet Mikayla.


Sunday, March 20, 2011

One step forward, two steps back

My sweet Mikkie,

There are a whole lot of things on my mind, a whole lot of emotions in my heart. I can see more and more every day that grief is not linear. I cannot expect myself to get better and better each week. It's more like one step forward two steps back.

I came home from church today not feeling particularly happy. Faith and I were sitting there eating our lunch and she looked at me and said, "I love you mommy." I perked up a little at that and then she said with a sad face, "I miss Mikkie." She is a very intuitive girl, she knows what I'm feeling, she knows what's going on. Even though that's not the only source of my pain, she can sense it. With a sweet hug from her and her hand on my face telling me she loves me, for a split second it seemed all was right with the world. I want to just hug and hold her all day, because I love her so much and because I feel I'm hugging you as well. I miss holding my baby girl in my arms when you would sit in my lap and cuddle.

I feel much pain most the time when I'm around others who remind me of you. Anyone who is around your age, who looks like you, does similar things as you, etc. I may seem fine on the outside, but inside I'm screaming WHY! Why can they be happy with their babies and not ME! What did I do wrong! The answer of course is nothing, at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself. I still bounce back and forth every week with feelings of guilt, shame, anger, depression, confusion, surreal, apathy, pain and so much more that I can't even describe.

I'm sure people get tired of hearing that I'm having a hard day again, but, well, it's reality and I need them to have a lot of patience with me. I feel more times than not that I have to put up a happy front for everyone so I don't put a damper on things. Sometimes I feel it's as if they have forgotten the reason why I feel this way and they expect me to be 'better' by now. It's not like I'm depressed all the time, but there are times where I just don't feel like being cheered up, you know? And hearing the question "What's wrong?" almost infuriates me. Faith was a prime example today of how to deal with hear that she loves me, she misses you, Mikkie (validating how I feel) and a big hug. oooh Mikkie, this is definitely THE toughest thing I've ever experienced and I wish I could help people see and truly understand, but the only way for that to happen is for them to experience it themselves. I would never wish that on anyone.

I put up a "shrine" of sorts on our wall a while ago and I look at it everyday. It's different just looking at it and touching it. Today I sat by it, took one of your sandals, gently held it in my hands, and immediately started to ache and sob. I still can't bring myself to look at pictures of your small, lifeless body or think of anything that's remotely close to that day. I feel sick to my stomach and start to feel helpless and guilty all over again. It's better to just repress some of those details until I'm ready to face them again.

I hope I don't make you too sad when I feel this way. I really can't help it. I think you would have more understanding about how I feel than I do. I love you so much, my little twinkle star. I like what it said in this book I read today, "He does not take the pain away- to do that He would have had to take the love away I had for you, and that wasn't possible. Instead He wraps His arms around me and stays with me while I grieve for my baby." I would much rather deal with this pain than having it taken away along with my love for you. That would be unbearable.

Love always,

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Service goal #1

Dear Mikkie,

This year for my goals I decided to make each month focused on service, which I promised you on your birthday that I would work on. I wanted to record my progress, experiences, etc here for you to see.

My determination and motivation for things have seemed to weaken over these past several months. I force myself anyways to work on goals. I think focusing on this goal in particular will help me deal better with my grief and put it to work for good.

January was more of a recovering-from-holidays month, it was quite depressing and painful. So better late than never, I started my first goal in February. My goal for that month was to check-in with at least one person each day. I didn't do too bad, didn't do real great, but didn't do too bad. The important thing wasn't for me to do it everyday, but to help me focus on others and not dwell on my pain and troubles. It helped me remember that I'm not the only one going through tough times. You don't even have to be going through tough times, everyone likes to be remembered, I think it's important to let people know you're thinking of them. I've personally experienced that over the past while, there has been an incredible amount of people outpouring their sympathies and love and it's been so comforting to me. I want to make others feel the same.

I hope I can be more into this month's goal and put more effort into it. I love doing things for other people, I always have, it's just not so easy to find motivation when half my heart is missing.

I love you sweet girl.


Sunday, March 6, 2011


Dear Mikkie,

I don't really know how to start this letter. It's been a few weeks, tough ones at that. My emotions have been all over the place from one extreme to the other that I think I've come to a point where I'm emotionally numb. I hardly feel anything. Problem after problem, I feel like my nervous system is shutting down. Or maybe I'm just refusing to let myself feel anything.

This past week I went down to Arizona with Gramma and Tammy to help my Uncle in the hospital. My mom and I sat in on one of his physical therapy treatments and I learned a lot just from that short amount of time. When the doctor told him it's going to take quite a bit of work and it may be a while until he's released, his reply touched me. He said "I'm going to do my part. You know that I'll do whatever it takes, right?" To which the doctor said, "That's what will make this work is your positive attitude." Then watching him struggle to make a simple movement reaching one arm across the other side and moving his toes, I could see the determination in his face; a motivation that seemed foreign to me. When the doctor asked about his condition, he explained when he had his accident many years ago, the doctors told him he'd never be able to walk or talk again. He proudly exclaimed, "I proved them wrong." With a conviction that led me to believe he would be back to "normal" again or maybe even better and stronger in no time at all. In all the years I've known him and spent time with him, I've never seen him complain or be negative. Quite the opposite, he's always been a jokester and a tease, always making people laugh. Even with all that he's been dealt, he keeps his head up high. Even now as he struggles in the hospital, he sincerely thanks everyone for what they are doing for him and cracks jokes bringing smiles to everyone's faces, and I believe making them all better people just from meeting him. He is one great example of enduring. He is my hero, right next to my dad and mom.

I sit back and think of all that I've been through and still go through and realize I am not enduring. Yes, a lot of crappy and miserable things have happened and still are that just make me want to give up, and I've come so close many times, but then I think of you, my sweet baby girl, and suddenly I can't think of any other option but to move forward. I need to do my part, show God that I'm willing to endure and He will do His part to help strengthen me and lighten my load leaving me feel as if it's been removed.

D&C 14:7 "And, if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God."

It's my prayer that I will endure through it all, having a better attitude with more gratitude and less complaining.

I love you Mikkie.