Saturday, August 15, 2015

5 year Angelversary

Dear Mikkie,

Well, it's that day. That one day of the year that I dread, though I haven't felt it as much this year. It's weird. I feel a lot more peace this year, more of a feeling to want to smile. I woke up just feeling pretty tired. Maybe this is the next stage of the grieving process? Maybe I am progressing more?
When I woke up and checked my email and saw that people had shared my post on FB, I wasn't even expecting that. A few hours later some flowers were delivered to our home, then a while later a friend stopped by just to see how I was doing and gave me a little gift and hug. Texts, notes, thoughts and love shared all around. It brought tears to my eyes to see just how much people really care and remember, and want to help make this day special in honor of my sweet Mikkie, it really is very touching to me. I am inspired by all those who are "mourning with those that mourn" and helping to lift us up.

There are a lot of things hazy in this industry of mine but one things for sure, that my Mikkie is still here. There is an afterlife. I WILL see her again. And when I do it will be sweeter than I can ever imagine. My puny little mind can't comprehend the feeling.

How do I know I feel her? Am I just creating these feelings because that's what I want? No. A mother knows her child better than anyone, and I know what her sweet presence felt like when she was alive; she still has the same spirit, nothing's changed besides she's no longer here physically. But if I pay attention, it's as if she never left. Her spirit is so strong with us, I just know it.

Last night we met at your place with some family and had a special remembrance of you. i wanted to get there earlier to eat dinner as a family by you and then after I still had time to just relax and unwind and share some special time with just us.
Once again, I was expecting the water works to start but I just felt content, at peace. Happy. I felt that, like Gramma explained, "she really wanted us to remember her with happy thoughts today." The whole day was very bright and sunny and warm. I remember in the morning, I actually woke up early enough to see the sunrise, and the sun was just super brilliant and bright shimmering across the lake, it was so beautiful. The sun was just beating down on us all day, (with a little cloud cover as we sat at your grave, thank goodness), and I just had a distinct impression that it was a reminder to me to just be ok with feeling happy today. Smile, embrace the joy in my heart. I was able to watch your home videos with a smile in my heart. I do feel as though my grieving is maturing. There are certain things that I still cannot think about or do though without feeling that dread. I just have to allow myself time and be patient with my timing, not trying to rush or even slow things. I may not even overcome some things in this life.
It was sweet to hear Faith's thoughts as she shared some of her favorite memories with you. She LOVES her Mikkie Frog, that thing is near and dear to her heart. She's had it ever since you left, and it laughs like you and she can dress it in your clothes, so no wonder why she's so attached. It was also nice to hear thoughts from others in the family, I love hearing what's on other's minds.
Eating ice cold watermelon is one of my favorite traditions, it's so nice to have it to cool down with it being so hot out. I'm so glad you loved watermelon! Emmett loves it just as much as you do, consuming the rind as well. So funny.

I also love doing the Day of Forgiveness in memory of you, and am humbled by all who want to join. I love the feeling of just letting go of burdens in my mind as I release the balloon. I close my eyes and just tell myself to let it go. I'm not saying that it happens right then, but I made the first step in feeling peace. I hope that as time goes on, more and more people will feel inspired to join and become better, happier people in the process of forgiving.

Thoughtfulness from friends

I've been wanting to find more ideas to keep as tradition in addition to eating watermelon and white balloon release, and it's a "Mikkie Mementos" box filled with some of your favorite things for each of the kids. They loved them! 

The adults get a butterfly shaped bag of "Mikkie hugs". :)

It was such a beautiful day of remembrance, so grateful for the thoughtfulness, love and support from so many. 

I LOVE YOU sweet angel! Thanks for making it so obvious to me that you were right there with us.


Thursday, August 13, 2015

The night before

Hello sweet girl,

It's hours away from being the 14th, and I'm at a loss of what to write and say. I want to invite others to join in the day of forgiveness in your honor but can't find the words or motivation. I want to make tomorrow as special and memorable as I can, yet I struggle to know what to say or do anymore.
It's so weird how I feel, not sure whether it's peace or numbness, or a bit of both. I'm usually a lot more emotional before. Maybe i'm just planning too much and expecting too much from myself and instead of worrying about what to say to others, I should just focus on just you and what I would do for you, not anyone else. I worry that as more years go on maybe people won't want to participate, or worry about not saying something inspiring or maybe people are getting bored from sitting listening to us in the hot sun at the cemetery.

The problem with all of this, I see now, is that I'm too focused on what other people will think and do.  It doesn't matter if the only people that participated was just myself, I'm doing this for YOU, in your memory and the fact that others join us is a bonus. And I don't have to think so hard about coming up with the perfect thing to say, there's not going to be a magical thing I can say, I just need to focus inside of me and what I really feel, whether it be something simple or not, whether I think it's lame or whatever.

I haven't written in here for a while because I feel like I can't express myself as well as I used to. I used to write a lot more and things just seemed to flow, why is it such a struggle now? Maybe I over think things to much, I should just write.

Yesterday was an emotional day. I was doing Faith's hair in the afternoon so I could take her school pictures. She started complaining her legs were tired and she needed to sit, then started to slowly collapse against the wall on her side. I thought she was just joking around and being silly, but when I realized that something was wrong and she wasn't responding to me, I quickly laid her on the floor and she finally came to. Her face was all pale and cold/clammy, she said she had blacked out and her chest was hurting.
Of course I started to freak out, and without any consent, my emotions took over and I called Daddy and then Gramma and started sobbing, frozen in fear.

I took her to the Instacare as soon as me neighbor came to stay with Emmett who was asleep. Grampa met us there and waited. The doctor seemed concerned about the chest pain so he sent us to the hospital for further tests.
When I got there, my eyes were obviously tear-stained and red, and as I was checking in, I got the sense from the lady that she was probably thinking, "calm down lady, no need to freak out over her fainting." And maybe more who saw me thought the same thing. What they don't know is the behind the scenes. And even those who do know about it may still not even fully understand. When I experience something traumatic, very stressful and emotional, it's like the door in my mind that i shut and locked and repressed, flings open and flashbacks come flooding my mind and I have no control over my emotions. Depending on the severity of the situation, sometimes i'm able to quickly slam that 'door' back shut, and be ok, or maybe have the emotions be delayed and fall apart as soon as I leave the crowds. I never am just experiencing the situation at hand, it's that plus the experience with you. That's me now. I am forever ruined, and that's just the way I will probably always be. I may seem to others to be overreacting, but they just don't understand.

Gramps gave Faith and I a blessing of comfort and did it work! Ever since then I've felt a great, deep sense of peace. Maybe it's carried on over to tonight and that's why I can't really feel anything but just ....peace.

I better get to bed, big day tomorrow. Who knows what it will hold.

I love you so much!