Monday, January 6, 2014


Hello sweet girl,

It's that time of year again... it's just incredible that a new year is upon us and already almost into March! I love this time of year, starting new and fresh, making goals. I don't really like to do New Year Resolutions anymore, but have a specific thing I want to focus on more.

Last year I was focusing simply on being happy. What I've learned is that we are each in control of our OWN happiness. We cannot and should not give the reigns of our happiness to anyone else. And you cannot force anyone to be happy. You have to constantly choose to be happy; no matter what others do or say or think of you, you can choose to let that get to you and effect you negatively, letting them choose your emotions, or you can choose to learn to be ok with what others think and still choose to be happy and show love and be the type of person you want to be. People, especially those closest to us, can greatly influence our happiness, but the minute we allow them control over our feelings (making us feel hurt, angry, sad, etc..) we are in for an emotional roller coaster ride. We can instead think to ourselves...."why does what they said or did make me feel this way? and think it out in our minds until we feel we are ok with the reason." I think once we can become strong enough to feel, with a soft and loving heart, "I'm ok with you needing to feel angry at me." If there's something that needs to be apologized for on YOUR end, you do whatever needs to be done, but if it's on their end... all you can do is be ok with it, and show them love. Seriously that has really truly helped me to be a much happier person! Not relying on others completely for my own personal happiness- I'm happy because I want to be. It's empowering to feel that you can choose to be happy and not let what people say or think get to you, and continue to feel and show genuine love. That's what Christ is like- people were always criticizing him and judging and speaking unkindly of and to Him, but did He let them affect how He felt? He might have felt sad... for THEIR sake, but it did not change his inner happiness. He knew who He was and what His mission was. He could look past people's actions and words and see into their hearts- He loved purely and unconditionally. What an AMAZING kind of love, it just astounds me.
I'm not even in the vicinity of being close to loving like that, but I know that when I do try and practice just loving, I feel closer to Christ and I can see people through His eyes, causing me to feel the love He has for them.

My goal for this year is looking more outwardly- putting myself in other people's shoes, trying to see things from their view.

A quote from Mother Teresa came to mind, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
An instinct for most of us is to jump to conclusions, assuming the worst, maybe not even realizing it and not intending to think ill or have bad intentions towards the other. If something happens, say... someone cuts you off on the road or is going to slow, our immediate reaction or thought is "Wow, what a jerk" or "what's wrong with this person!"  or if the store clerk is not very friendly, we automatically think "Man, what a grump!"

What are we doing in these and many other times? We are judging negatively. We are consumed with thoughts of all the negative things that we THINK are right, leaving zero time to feel or show any love to that person. Pretty much most the time we are wrong about others anyways.

If instead we took each circumstance and stepped back for a minute before we get hijacked on the negativity train, and put ourselves in their shoes thinking what would cause a person to act like or say that? By trying to understand others and how they feel and where they may be coming from helps you to feel more sympathy and compassion for them, leaving zero time to feel negative towards them.
We all want to feel loved and understood right?

I pray I can become this type of person, be a more compassionate, loving person just because I want to, not because people are giving me reasons to (or not giving any which would make me feel inclined to withhold showing love)- I choose to show unconditional love. 

I certainly have an unconditional love for my children. Mikkie, your death has taught me a great deal about this. 
I love you as purely as a mother can. 


Sunday, January 5, 2014

Angels among us

Dearest Mikkie,

A friend recently asked me if the holidays have gotten easier for me. I didn't really know how to answer that. Easier as in am I crying everyday and feeling the same heart wrenching pain that was so fresh 3 years ago.... no I'm not. Is it easier in such that the holidays are back to 'normal' and I'm able to handle not having you here with me.... no, things will never be the same. Holidays have been and will forever be changed. It's just the way life is now.

So yes, I'm able to cope better, things are 'easier' in that aspect, but the longing I feel to have you back in my arms and the wishing and dreaming of what life would be like if you were still here will be a constant part of my daily life.

The spirit of excitement for Christmas and watching the kids open their gifts has not left, it's still there, but is also coupled with pangs of sadness as I look at your empty little stocking, and think about what I would have gotten you and how I would have loved to see the pure excitement in your eyes, matching that of your sister's.

Angels have been on my mind a lot, obviously because I'm always thinking of you. I love the song "Angels Among Us" and whenever I hear it I feel a strong powerful feeling testifying of it's truth. There ARE angels among us, seen and unseen, earthly and heavenly.
We all have times when things happen that you just can't explain, and some would chalk it up to coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. There is definitely someone watching out for us. I know there is someone watching out for me, and I know that angels are so very real and so very close. I have felt you so close this Christmas, you have a very sweet, special presence- one that I recognize so very well. You are my personal angel, and have been by my side to comfort me and strengthen me. That's proof that we have a loving Father in Heaven- He loves us so much, and family is not just important but KEY to His plan, that He allows us even beyond the veil to continue helping and blessing the lives of our family.

I recently read a quote by Joseph Smith saying, "If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates."

That's powerful and interesting to me. The fact that is says 'angels cannot be restrained'... says to me that angels are eager to help us, it takes for them to be restrained to not be there, otherwise they are hard at work helping loved ones. How amazing is that!

Here's the words to the beautiful song Angels Among Us. So beautiful, I cannot hear it without getting major goosebumps and get the feeling that an angel is right next to me... and I know who it is :)

I love you sweet, sweet girl!! You are a true angel in my life, when you were on earth, and now in Heaven you continue to bless my life. You are truly Heaven-sent.



"I was walking home from school on a cold winter day.
Took a shortcut through the woods, and I lost my way.
It was getting late, and I was scared and alone.
But then a kind old man took my hand and led me home.
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there.
And I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.

When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.

And ain't it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.

They wear so many faces; show up in the strangest places.
To grace us with their mercy, in our time of need.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love."