Saturday, November 20, 2010

Happily Ever After...

My dear little "Pookie",

That's one of my favorite nicknames for you. Your auntie Tam came up with it and it just kind of stuck after that.
Your birthday party was a week ago and turned out great! great as it can get without the main star I was hoping that your headstone would have been in by then. I just got an email a couple days ago saying it was in on Wednesday. 4 days late, dang it! If I didn't procrastinate and do it when I first thought about it, it would have been in. At least it's in before the snow came; we would have had to wait until Spring in that case, so that's a good thing. It looks beautiful though, turned out very nice. I like having your picture on it, helps to have a visual.
Your daddy and I were excited to see how it turned out, so we went right to the grave after eating out on our anniversary. Some may say that's a depressing way to spend an anniversary, but I think the complete opposite. It made me happy. New York was our big shabang for our anniversary, so it was nice to just do something simple....and meaningful.

Can you believe your daddy and I have been married for 5 years? It seems like a lot longer than that. The newlywed stage seems like a lifetime ago. I'm sure that's how you feel about this life now that you're in heaven. Hopefully you have good memories of your life here. Even though I can think of so many things I could have done better, we did try our best.

The other day I was reading Your Happily Ever After, it inspired me. I like the part,
"For a moment, think back about your favorite fairy tale. In that story the main character may be a princess or a peasant; she might be a mermaid or a milkmaid, a ruler or a servant. You will find one thing all have in common: they must overcome adversity.
In each of these stories, Cinderella, Belle, and the miller’s daughter have to experience sadness and trial before they can reach their “happily ever after.” Think about it. Has there ever been a person who did not have to go through his or her own dark valley of temptation, trial, and sorrow?"

Adversity is inevitable. It's comes to us all.
"It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop. Enduring adversity is not the only thing you must do to experience a happy life. Let me repeat: how you react to adversity and temptation is a critical factor in whether or not you arrive at your own “happily ever after.”
"You are truly royal spirit daughters of Almighty God. You are princesses, destined to become queens. Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your “once upon a time” is now."

To think that our "Once upon a time" is right now, that we are writing our story right now, living it each and every day.... it makes me want to change the way I do things, the way I view things. I want my Once upon a time, trials and all, to make me a better, stronger woman and that I will be able to have my "Happily ever after". Nothing, absolutely nothing could make me more happy than to make it back to my Heavenly Father and you, my little angel baby, and the rest of our sweet family.

When you look at trials for what they really are, tests to make us better people, to mold us into who God wants us to become, they don't seem as bad. They're definitely not fun to go through, I'm not saying that I want more, but since adversity comes whether we like it or not, ready or not, we might as well let it affect us in a good way.
I don't know if you know this, but about 2 weeks before Bear Lake, I was praying for some testimony building experiences. I joke to your daddy that I shouldn't have prayed for that. I think I had a distorted view about adversity, not that it's crystal clear to me now, but I'm understanding more the need for it. If we didn't have adversity and we all lived happily and comfy and cozy....what would be the point of this life? I think about that and am reminded of the scripture that says "..there must needs be opposition in all things, for without it we could not discern the sweet from the bitter."

I hope that I can let my trials shape and mold me into the person I'm destined to become. I want to reach my full potential and always strive to bring out the best in myself and others.

“Your adversity and your afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if you endure it well, God shall exalt you on high.”

I am determined to endure this life well. It's nice to have a companion, your daddy, who is on the same page and helps encourage, uplift, inspire and love me every step of the way. There is no one else that I'd rather have by my side. You have a pretty amazing daddy, Mikkie. How he ended up with me I don't know, but I'm sure glad he picked me. He is my knight in shining armor and is continually rescuing me from anything. I hope to make my Once upon a time a good and memorable one. Thinking about my Happily ever after helps me get through the drudgery of this life.

I love you very much sweetheart.

With all my heart,

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Dearest Mikkie,

Two very short years ago (from yesterday), I held one of the most beautiful baby girl's in my arms that I just gave birth to...what a miraculous thing birth is. Every baby is a miracle. Did you know that your uncle Dale helped pick out your name? I didn't like it at first, but it kept coming back to me. It's supposed to mean 'Heaven sent'. How appropriate is that?! You are definitely a Mikayla, a "Mikkie".
I woke up to the sound of giggling, tiny feet pounding the walls and tiny hands shaking the crib senseless. I sneakily crack your door open and watch as my precious babies play together. Your older sister, Faith likes to climb in your crib and bounce around with you, which I usually discourage but wouldn't want to ruin the tender moment. I accidentally move the door too much, causing it to give a little creak. Both of you suddenly stop and seconds later I have 4 of the most gorgeous blue eyes staring at me with great excitement. Knowing I blew my cover I swing the door open and rush to your crib with my arms wide open ready to receive my girls with a big hug. Both of you scurry around the crib with more energy, happy to have an audience. You jump up and wrap your arms tightly around my neck as I lift you up and squeeze you tight, "Happy birthday Mikkie, my sweet lil angel pie" I shout with excitement! With pure joy you squeeze me even tighter. I swoop Faith up in my other arm, giving attention to her begging to be held also. Today is a special day and I'm throwing a great big party with all our friends and family present. Your eyes light up even more than they already do at all the fun, bright colored decorations. Once your eyes hit the arrangements of delicious cupcakes and goodies, you make a beeline for them ready to poke your fingers right into them. You get a chance to shove your face into one later when everyone sings 'Happy Birthday' to you. You run around following Faith and all of your little friends wanting to be included in whatever they are up to. I watch you from across the room as you have the time of your life with beaming smiles that light up the entire room. I can't help but smile ear to ear when I see that precious smile of yours and hear your contagious little giggle. I sit back and soak it all in, being careful not to move in fear of the moment being shattered.......

....then I blink and confusion hits me as hard as the tears throbbing in my throat. I think to myself, that's how the day should've been, but as much as I want it to be true, the day was the very opposite of that.

I awoke with a heavy heart at the realization that it was the day you would be turning two, but I did not have you here in my arms to shower you with birthday hugs and kisses. My arms were lonely and aching as much as my heart. I forced myself out of bed at the realization I had another little angel downstairs waiting for my love and care. We got ready and drove over to Gramma's house. 1/2 hour and a million tears later we arrive and were greeted by Grampa, who took me lovingly into his arms knowing what I was thinking and what the day meant. We sobbed into each other's shoulder's, paying no attention to the stinging bite of the chilly air.
After mostly the same routine with your Gramma, we decide to head to the cemetery. Faith picked out a special balloon for you and I picked out some vibrant pink flowers that reminded me of you....bright and full of life. It was touching to see your Gramma let the balloon go in the sky as she said something to you. There were a lot more tears than words that day.

I had a very hard, miserable day, Mikkie. I so very badly wanted you to be here, to be in my arms where you're supposed to be. I wanted so badly to go back and change things. When I knew I just couldn't, frustration and anger would seep into my heart. I'm sorry to say I was not as strong as I could've been, and because of that I feel once again I failed at giving you a special birthday. That made me feel even more awful.
After having a long talk with you grandparents, I started to realize that you can't focus on things you can't change or have no control over, it just leads to great frustration. I may not be proud of how I handle things sometimes, but the past is the past, I can make the future better by focusing on the present and just trying life my best shot once again. I think of the atonement and what that means to me. Christ atoned for our sins, he felt every single possible thing in the whole world from beginning to end, there is nothing that He hasn't felt or experienced. If it was so important that He do this, I know it's got to be important that we take advantage of this great and merciful sacrifice made for never give up- it's NEVER too late to turn around and change. He will accept us gladly with open and accepting arms and be glad that we made the decision to come back. I can sit here and get depressed on my faults and weaknesses and say "What's the point, why should I go on"...because He went on, He did not give up on us that day at Calvary, He went on through the most unimaginable pain ever experienced. I owe it to Him to go on through my trials, through my hard times and not give up on Him. After this life our trials are going to seem like such small, minuscule problems that we will look back and think "look what it made me into today, I'm a stronger, wiser and better person because of those experiences." I have to remember these are growing and learning times, I can learn and grow a lot if I allow it.

Mikkie, I'm sorry I wasted such a special day yesterday. Your daddy told me that the best present we could give you for your birthday would be to be happy. Can I have another chance?I'll try again on Saturday for your party. I won't let it be a miserable day.
I continue to hope that you really know how much I really love you. You are mommy's little girl, you've always been a "mama's girl" and always will have a special place in my heart.
Thank you Mikayla, for coming into our family 2 years ago, blessing and enriching our lives even more with your presence. I am a better person for knowing you, my life is forever changed. I am truly blessed to have you as my daughter. I love you!

Love me always,

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

God's will

Dearest Mikkie,

Where to begin? Things would be a little bit easier if we hadn't shared our news with everyone already. Monday I felt like something was wrong when I started spotting, but tried not to worry as this has happened to many people I know and things turned out ok. Yesterday I woke up and nothing had changed, only the color was brighter red, so to get a piece of mind I called a nurse to ask. Apparently she thought it was urgent enough to schedule an appointment for an ultrasound. An hour later I was there in the room, not knowing what to expect. I had hope things were ok until they tried several things and looked at pretty much every organ in my body, then finally had the doctor come in...I then knew things didn't look good. Doctor took one glance and said, "there's the sac, but there's no baby in it, I'm sorry." I thought, What?!?! What do you mean no baby! According to my diagnose "Blighted Ovum", I was pregnant at first but it didn't go through. All 3 of them stood there staring at me, and I thought to myself, "Little do you know what I just went through 2 months ago. You have no idea how much harder this is after such an ordeal, this isn't just any miscarriage, it was my HOPE." At that moment I didn't want anyone to be in the room, so I hurried talking to him, got out of the room, zipped to my car (with Faith in tow) and my heart just burst with pain and tears that I thought I was more immune to by now.

When Faith came to the front seat and gave me a hug, I said immediately through my mumbled words, "Faith I love you, Please don't you ever leave me!" It was more of a desperate demand than a suggestion. I didn't know quite what to think about life at that point. All I knew is I didn't feel like driving, I just wanted to cry and beat something up...too bad I wasn't by my punching bag, I could've really used it. Instead I just clenched my fists and screamed, letting it all out.
By the time your daddy and Aunt Tammy got there, I was a bit more calm. Tammy took Faith for the night and daddy took me out to eat and a movie. At first I didn't want to do anything. But I had remembered the prayer I said on the way to the doctor's.

When you were being flown to the hospital, those 2 1/2 months ago, I found out the hard way that life is so much easier if we accept God's will and make it our own. I prayed so hard for what I wanted, that I didn't make time to think or feel what His will was. I think I even knew what it was, but foolishly thought that if I prayed hard enough or bartered, He would change it, but God does not barter. We accept and do His will or we are just asking to be miserable.
So, I tried to do things a little differently this time, hopefully learning from the first time, and I said to Him, "I don't know what's going to happen, and once again I feel like everything is out of my hands. I beg of Thee to let this baby live and I may continue to have a healthy pregnancy, BUT... (this is what I did not say last time, it was "do it or else I won't _ _ _") if it's Thy will that this baby not survive, then I pray ye will bless me with the spirit of understanding, comfort and peace strongly." Of course it didn't happen right away, God allowed me some time to vent my frustration (which I think I was entitled to) and grieve the loss of another baby; a baby I never got to meet.
When your daddy took me out for dinner, we got to a park to eat, and I could see the worried look on his face. Worried about me. His comment about not wanting me to go crazy made that clear. I suddenly felt invigorated as if Someone had breathed in me, hope, love, and peace. I told him that I'm ok. Amazingly enough, I felt at peace with things. I told him I know it just wasn't meant to be, if it was, things would've worked out. I'm not sure why it had to happen at this exact timing (kind of rotten in our opinions), but it was God's will. I know it's just another test. Maybe I didn't get it right the first time, or maybe there's just something else to learn. I know that this is not a punishment, I know God loves me, and I know He's very aware. I seem more able to accept His will this time, and therefore allowing the spirit of peace and comfort to envelop my soul. I thought of Joseph Smith and his wife, Emma and all the trials they went through, yet through all that they stayed strong. I thought of how many babies Emma lost and how I can relate to her, but one thing I didn't have and I wanted was her faith and strength. Joseph not once cursed God, he knew that through all that, great things would come from it.
I hope that God sees me as a woman of faith. I hope that when all is said and done, I will be judged as dealing with my trials well, and that I can be counted among those great people like Joseph Smith, Nephi, and so many others.

In this time of great misfortune and amongst so much sadness, I want to take a minute to give thanks. It's almost Thanksgiving time, which I think is a very appropriate time. Although, every day is appropriate to give thanks. I have so much to be grateful for. I am extremely grateful that I still have my sweet girl, Faith with me, and my loving husband. We're all healthy and not struggling with illness. I still have most my family here also, who have been angels in my life uplifting, encouraging, comforting and loving me at all times. 5 years ago another great family was added to my life, the Harper's, I have been blessed by knowing them and have also felt of their love, comfort and support. We are blessed to have a job, in these times that is a great thing. We have a beautiful home with so many comforts. We have 2 more guardian angels looking out for us, rooting us on to make it to the finish line, saving us a spot in our heavenly home. We have a loving Father who is over all, who knows all....that should bring us all great comfort, to know that the One who's in charge over everything is so just, so loving, so forgiving! And even if I lost everything, it would only be for a short time, and even then I would still have my faith...that is something that can never be taken away without my consent. I'm grateful to be alive to help accomplish God's work and to do good things, and do His will...which I'm still praying to know. I know I will be more happy to be on the same page as God.

Mikkie, my heart has been very heavy this past week and I have been aching for you, I really hope you know how much I really love you. You are such a sweetheart and I love having pictures to look at your sweet, precious face that I see everyday. I'm honored to know that I was living with a Celestial being. If only I treated you more like one. Til' we meet again, my angel......

With much love,