Thursday, April 21, 2011


My dear Mikkie,

Every time I see a rainbow across the sky, it gives me hope to move forward for another day.

Remember those words from my poem? Well, I just saw the most beautiful rainbow just last week and couldn't help but think you made it just for me. It's the first one I've seen since that one back in Septemberish. It was the brightest, longest one I've seen and it was right up close, so cool.

I was just thinking today about how great I've been feeling this past week, and thought just maybe that rainbow really did give me the hope to move forward. This has been one of the best weeks in so long. I've never gone this long just feeling at peace and feeling happy; it's been great in so many ways, but most of all because I've felt the spirit more. Maybe it's the amazing books I've been reading (which I want to discuss with you later!), and just becoming more educated on death and the afterlife. I've had a lot of great conversations with different people about things and I just feel that what we've read is true! I've had a great testimony building experience this week that confirmed to me, once again, that God IS real. He IS there, He lives! He is very mindful of us and what we're going through. It was such a relief, because even though I've never stopped believing, it was nice to feel it!

There was a sad thing that did happen this week though, it didn't take from my peace, but still brought me back to the memory of the aching. A toddler had drowned in the lake and I just cried and ached for that family. I feel an incredible desire to help this poor, grieving family and be a support to them. I want to give back what was so generously done for us. I pray for the comfort of this family, that they will feel God's love.

What an interesting life! It's going past awful fast. It's already been 8 months since you left, it boggles my mind.

I love you so much! And if you did have a part in that rainbow.... thank you! I truly am grateful for it and the message it gave me.

Love me,

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Who nose!

Dear Mikkie,

As I was going through pictures one day, I looked at some older ones of Faith and saw one where she had her finger up her nose. I immediately recognized this pose, as you had done the same one just a year or so ago. I went to find it and put them side by side and it totally made my day. I actually laughed instead of crying at one of your pictures.

The exact same spot, the same hand, same finger.... you get the picture. (no pun intended) I just thought it was too funny to pass up showing you. I hope it made you smile too.

I love you sweet, sweet baby of mine! Thanks for giving me so memories to laugh and smile about.

Love me,

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Service goal #2

My sweet Mikkie,

Usually you don't have to look very far for someone to serve, there's usually someone in your own family or extended that needs help. Last month I focused on serving my family, starting with your daddy and Faith, I don't think I serve them as much as I should. Along with that we were able to serve others in the family, including going down to Arizona to see my grandparents and help my Uncle Dennis.
I'm so glad we decided to go when we did, because it would have been too late had we waited for our original date. We found out 2 days ago that Dennis died. It was a bitter sweet thing, when I heard he was having troubles, I had a gut feeling he wasn't going to make it, but I still hoped he would be ok. When it was confirmed he didn't make it, it's like my emotions linked the similar circumstances with you and I sobbed and sobbed. I was crying because of those feelings being brought up, and how much I miss you, and I am going to miss Dennis and also because I was so happy for him!
He had been handicapped almost his whole life, never married and had struggles all along the way yet he remained faithful and positive! I could just see him in my mind, walking for the first time in a very long time, feeling great, no more pain and being with my sweet baby girl. Yes, the sobs came again. I asked him to give you a big hug and kiss for me. I don't know if he heard me, but will you give him a big hug for me and tell him he is my hero? He truly is one of my biggest heroes, he has left me with some of the greatest memories and examples of patience and endurance. I had some great times with him. Tell him to be ready when I get there, because I challenge him to another thumb war. :) I was feeling badly that he didn't get to meet you, little did I know he would get to see you sooner than expected. He was so good with kids, I bet you two are getting along famously.
I can't help but feel something big is coming soon, with all these deaths and everything that's gone on. Maybe not.
Family means so much to me, I'm so blessed to not just have amazing immediate family, but extended and in-laws also. Family is where it's at, they are the most constant.

I must admit at first I felt a little jealous that Dennis is with you, but I'm so grateful for every breath I take and am able to be here with loved ones. There's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for blessing me to be here with them, and them with me. Dennis is just one more proof to me that life is ever so fragile and short and we must make sure we are prepared at all times. I pray I may be ready to meet my Maker when the time comes. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to make it back to you, Mikkie. You can bet I am trying to do my best.

I love you sweet Angel!

Love me always,

Sunday, April 3, 2011


Dearest Mikayla,

Daddy, me, Grandpa and Grandma just got back from a week long cruise 2 days ago. It was the very first time I've left Faith and it was hard for me. I missed her so much! I was so focused on how much I would miss her that I didn't take time to think how it would affect her being away from us, seeing as she has very little concept of time. She was in good hands but still didn't make it easy I'm sure, not knowing when or if her mommy and daddy were coming back. It broke my heart when I heard of the things she said, I felt like such an awful mom for leaving her and not thinking about how it might affect her. I didn't realize she would react like she did.
I was so very excited to see her! Even though my legs hurt very badly from my sunburn, I ignored the pain and ran in to see her and almost cried, I was so happy to see her. The surprised look on her face told me that she probably wasn't sure if we were actually coming back. I gave her a big hug and said 'I told you we'd come back to get you!' to which she hurriedly replied, " You brought Mikkie back?!" How deeply my heart sunk after that. Trying not to cry I told her, "no, she's still with Jesus, Faith, but mommy and daddy are back!" I explained to her that we were just on vacation and where we went and showed her pictures. I hope she understands a little more now. Poor sweet, sweet girl. I can't leave her anymore, I just can't do it.

Aside from missing Faith like crazy, the trip was fun and invigorating. It was nice to have a change of pace and scenery. I had always turned down cruises before because of my extreme fear of the ocean. Something inside me changed when you died, Mikkie. Compared to traumatically losing my baby angel girl, this fear was nothing. I told myself it would not be as bad as I make it out to be. And it wasn't. It was beautiful. I'm glad I went and faced that fear. There is, however, a difference between fear and trauma... I have fear of water, but the fear has turned into more of a traumatization? I don't know what to call it or how to explain it. I was fine being on water, yet I did not, could not, go near the pool on that boat the whole trip. The scent and scene of it all stirred up images and emotions from that day and I just had to get away.

Like daddy said, how we wish we could just go pick you up, if only it worked that way, there would be no distance too great, no price too high if we could just come and get you. It makes complete sense to a little child, I could see how it would totally be plausible in her mind. She always asks, like she's making sure the answer is still the same, "we're going to see her again?!" More of an exclamation instead of a question.

Though we feel peace, daddy and I cried over you again, it's almost become a weekly ritual. We both explained how we feel we don't want to let go of the hurt because that would be like letting you go. That's probably wrong thinking, but we're content in our ignorance for now. It's so fun to reminisce with daddy about all the little things we love about you and the cute little things you used to do. I think that helps make you feel more real to us, so the memories don't fade as much.

Thinking of you always, my angel.