Sunday, May 29, 2011

Bit of random

My dear sweet Mikkie,

It takes me a while to write you most the time because I usually have too much to sort out in the short amount of free time that there seems to be.

I'm seeing more and more how true that "grief is linear". Whoever has the ridiculous expectations and/or assumptions that people should "get over" the loss of their child, or anyone for that matter, in a certain amount of time is a fool and obviously has not experienced it for themselves.

Tonight was the first in a while that Faith came up to me crying, saying she misses you. Like my heart wasn't breaking enough already, that just about split it in half. What a sweet, tender little girl. I couldn't believe the tears in her eyes; I wanted so bad to be able to tell her "don't worry, Mikkie's coming back!" I wanted so bad to be able to tell myself that.
She now connects rainbows with you, she gets so excited when she sees one. Whenever it rains she's looking for one, like today, except we didn't get one and she seemed very concerned about it. I told her maybe we'd get one tomorrow, and if so it would be especially for her.

After talking to a few people, I realized that I would be more likely to feel you near when I'm serving and helping someone. That's when I remembered the goals I made. I have slacked this past month, and didn't even report for last months, I've let myself grow lax and idle but I am going to renew my goals this coming month and am going to put forth more effort. It's not just that, there are many more things I'm determined to put forth more of an effort on including visiting teaching, personal scripture study and more meaningful prayers. If I want to grow and understand more, I can't just try getting by with mediocre performance and expect superior results. If I am expecting great things to happen, I've got expect that God is expecting me to do my best. I know my best and I've not really been showing it but am resilient enough to try again and show God my best.

I know you helped inspire me with these thoughts, Mikkie and want you to be proud of your mommy. :)

I love you so much Mikkie. I've been hurting so much lately and will probably hurt some more tomorrow, that's just a part of life now.
I feel stuck in my thoughts, so I will stop now and hopefully it will clear up soon so I can resume my random thought process.


Sunday, May 15, 2011


My sweet Mikkie,

Things have been so hectic lately, one thing after another. I’m grateful for Sundays, to be able to enjoy life at a slower pace for at least one day of the week. I definitely get more time to think and ponder.

The power has been out for a couple hours tonight. I think the last time it went out was right before we left for Bear Lake. Daddy and I talked about that day and how very grateful we were that the power went out. It forced us to get off our computers, tv’s and other electronics and spend some quality time with family. We did just that. Daddy and I didn’t know what to do with ourselves at first (how pathetic is that) til we came to the conclusion to ride bikes to the park and throw a Frisbee and play with you girls. It was one of the best nights; probably the last best night with you. It was good quality time with just the 4 of us, I will always remember and cherish that night.

Tonight we got to spend some quality time together as we went on a walk, put puzzles together, colored, read. It’s so much fun to be with Faith, even though I get pretty much ‘Mikkie-sick’ with almost everything we do; remembering what you used to do and what you would do if you were still here. It helps me though to hold her a little closer, hug her a little tighter and tell her I love her a little more. It’s ok to talk about you with her, I tell her how much she reminds me of you and ask her if she remembers certain things about you. We talk about it and laugh at some things that you did, you were quite the funny little girl, brought such light into our life. You girls light up my life in this dreary world.

Faith mentioned several times today how much she misses you. It’s like a stab in the heart every time. She said how you are going to play toys with her and all sorts of things when she sees you again. Like clockwork she asks if we’re going to see you again, making sure it’s still going to happen. If it’s at all possible, I think she’s most excited to see you, to be with her best friend again.

Sometimes I wish the power would go out more often and unplug us from the world, to get us away from the “blue screens” and focus on spending good quality time together. It’s these types of days that I remember most after all; they’re the most memorable.

I don't know about you, but I can't believe it's been 9 months since you died. I am trying to brace myself and prepare myself for the one year mark. Wow that's going to be tough. As long as I'm not anywhere near a pool I think it might be manageable.

You, sweet little baby, are greatly missed and greatly loved. I have this incredible urge to hold you in my arms and hug you tight. Will you give me one instead? I love my Mikkie hugs so very much.

Hugs and Kisses,

Sunday, May 8, 2011


Dear sweet Mikkie,

What a bittersweet day; roller coaster of emotions. Daddy and I had a really good cry together as we watched home videos of you. I miss you and ache for you so very much. Then I think how blessed I am that we still have Faith. You are my heavenly angel while she is my earthly angel, I love you both beyond comprehension and count myself extremely honored and blessed to be your mom.

Four years ago I became a mommy, and 20 months after that I became a mommy twice, I thought I was going to explode with happiness. It was happy with one child, but just became magnified. I've never felt happier.

God sends us angels to help us, some are in heaven (like you) and some are on earth. Along with you two, there's another angel who's been there for me all my life, always, constantly there comforting, serving, listening, everything that an angel does. My mom is that angel and still to this day dries my tears, hugs my fears away, talks some sense into me, and hears things I don't say. She is truly a blessing in my life... I know I've quoted this several times, but I can't help but reiterate "Everything I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." My wish is to be that kind of mom. I for sure got the better end of the deal. You and Faith are my life. With part of my life gone, I'm hanging on by faith.....literally.

I just read an uplifting article about the Influence of Mother's. What jumped out at me most was:

"Mothers have more influence than they realize. Women are the leaders of leaders. Who has more influence on a man than his wife? Or on children than their mother? The word that best describes leadership by a woman is mother. Is there any influence more enduring than a mother's shepherding of her children along the path towards exaltation?"

I hope to be that kind of influence as my mom has been on me, the one who can correct without criticism, teach without guile, encourage without pretense and love without compromise.

My heart has been extra sensitive this week, as you've weighed heavily on it. How grateful I am for the angels in my life; seen or unseen I feel their impact. You are especially the sweetest angel I could have asked for.

Love always,