I don't even know where to begin, both my mind and heart are filled with peace yet weighed down with so many different emotions.
So much has happened in 6 years..... oh so much. A lot of good and a lot of not so good. So many of those days were taken one little bit at a time. Life sure is crazy, with all the curve balls it throws at ya. Life is also beautiful. I'm definitely not the same person you knew back then. That's a good thing, I think.
You'd be proud of the progress we've made through these years. This summer I put Faith and Spencer in swimming lessons and Emmett will be next month. Not only that but while at Snowbird we all went to the outdoor pool together... As a family, even Emmett. HUGE deal. It was a little nerve wracking but we had fun together. We just made sure to be super strict about being assigned to a boy and watching them super close.
There are still certain things I can't bring myself to do at this time, and I may never get to that point but that's ok.
A couple big things I've learned along the way that's made all the difference for me is:
A couple big things I've learned along the way that's made all the difference for me is:
- Don't depend on anyone else for your happiness or self worth. You will always be disappointed. Instead turn to God, He's absolutely the ONLY one who can fill those needs properly and won't ever leave us feel wanting.
- It is possible to feel peace amidst trials.... if we turn to God. I've tried calming myself, taking things into my own hands and it may work for a little bit but then I come crashing down once again feeling immensely overwhelmed and helpless. We NEED God. We absolutely cannot get through this crazy life without the real, true peace that only He can offer. Relying on our own strength is weak, relying on God's strength though.... we can do anything! With God ALL things are possible!
- We are definitely NOT alone. I know it. I cannot deny it. No one can tell me there is not a God. His love is so familiar to me, and I yearn for it every single moment of every day. Having His spirit with me is the greatest gift I could ask for, nothing is worth losing that.
- God's love transcends all. Nothing works better in this world than pure Christ-like love. It is so powerful.
Bottom line, God. He is the reason I am still here today and (somewhat) sane. :) He is the reason I am not just trying to endure, but enjoying the journey along the way... finding happiness in each situation. If it ever is possible, I am living proof. He is the reason I am strong; there's no other explanation for the way I feel other than a strength beyond my own. I know the difference. I feel it. My strength is imagined, His is real. Mine expires, His is lasting.
I'm grateful to be alive, to have a beautiful family, to have a perfect angel girl watching out for us, for the valuable and hard lessons I've learned, for an amazing support system from so many incredibly loving family and friends, for the Gospel that gives me great hope, without that hope I would feel so incredibly lost and lonely and feel life is so pointless; but it's not, life is so meaningful, it's precious and we only have one shot at it. Mostly I'm of course so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who is so good, so powerful, so loving. With Him I know I'm enough, I know who I am and who I want to become. I cannot say enough good things about Him. I love my Savior with all my heart, the only One who truly understands my pain, He knows perfectly, and therefore He can help us perfectly.
I love this picture, it always reminds me of you sitting with Jesus, and of course the butterfly is something of significance to me :) I think of you every time I see one and believe that you are near, I see one everywhere I go.
I love you so very much, you are not forgotten!
Love,
Mama :)
