Valentines

Dear Mikayla,

I remember a year ago from today we had a babysitter watching you while daddy and I went dancing. We got called early because you were sick. We came home to see you in your hottest pajamas, wrapped up in a warm blanket, laying alone on the couch and you were extremely hot all over. You looked limp, but nothing like the lifeless limp I try to forget remember a few months later. I remember how alarmed I was and glad that we came back when we did. I remember you laying in my arms while I brushed a cold cloth over your face without a fuss from you. I remember sitting by your side, patting your cute little bum, waiting for you to fall asleep. If I stopped any earlier, your head would pop up as if to say "did I tell you you could go?" I'm grateful for times like that, not of you being sick (which seemed quite frequent) but for those times which helped me slow down and take in the moments. I sure look back on them with more fondness now than I did at the time. A year later, here we are doing almost the same thing with Faith. What is it about Valentines and being sick?

Daddy gave me the sweetest gift this year. Remember that song he composed for me and played on Christmas day 2009? He finally recorded it for me and also made it into sheet music! It touched me. He's such a romantic sweetheart. He has a great gift and is very talented. It's one thing to compose fun music, it's another to make some that touches others, that's what this song does to me.I thought I'd share the song with you so you can listen whenever you want. Maybe it will help you think of me and daddy. We love you so very much, Mikkie. I want you to know that you are one incredibly special little girl and how loved you are by so many. Before you were born, I was afraid I wouldn't love you as much as I did Faith, but the minute you were born my heart grew a few sizes bigger and I just had even more room to love. I will always continue to love you with all my heart and then some. I just can't say enough how honored I am to be your mother.

Here's my song from daddy, called "New Life"

Tim Harper - New Life by timcharper

I'm thinking of you today sweet girl.

Love me,

Mama

Sacrifice

Sweet baby Mikayla,

I went to your grave the other day and once again felt bad for not making your spot more festive looking (leave it to me to feel like that, huh :), so I got a few things to put up and as I was looking around I noticed how untouched every grave looked. I know it had just snowed a few days before, but still, I wanted to make your grave look like it's been visited, so I made a snow angel right over you and wrote love notes in the snow. :) I hope you like them.

We've spent many hours this past week thinking of and remembering you. We watched family videos of you, shared memories with each other, singing songs that remind us of you, visiting your grave, making us laugh and cry just about every day.

Grief is an interesting thing and feels a little complex sometimes. It's unexpected. I can be totally fine one minute, looking at pictures of you or talking about you, not feeling the slightest tendency to cry, when the next minute the smallest thing sets me off. That's happened quite a bit these past 2 weeks. I can't control it, so I just let myself. Like my counselor said, "be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel at the moment. If you're angry, be angry, if you're sad, be sad, if you're happy be happy." For a few days my sadness turned into anxiety, having fear of losing more loved ones, your daddy and Faith in particular, and that anxiety turned into anger, once again. Feeling like you have no control over something just frustrates me to the max.

Mikkie, I've come to see something. It dawned on me when I heard my counselor say a while ago, " People used to offer up their animals as sacrifice. What God wants from us now as a sacrifice is a broken heart and contrite spirit. He wants us to give up our pride and be humble. After realizing that, which probably seems like a no-brainer to others, I knew that all these fears, worries, anxieties, frustrations I had and the pride that came with it, I needed to let go of. My sacrifice to God was humbling myself before Him, coming unto Him with a broken heart and letting Him take away my pride. It's not an easy thing to do (although I sure do feel better after) and it's not just a one time thing. I wish I could learn my lesson after one time. Us humans make mistakes over and over and over again. The important thing is that we repent and continue to turn to Him.

Daddy mentioned something to me that once again is not anything new, but it's like a light bulb turned on and in this new light we could see more clearly. God does not take away our trials, He doesn't remove the load off our backs, He strengthens us so they become light. So for me to pray for Him to just make this all stop and go away, I'm asking for the wrong thing and I'm missing the point. My trials have and are continually molding me into a better person.

I feel I've become emotionally messed-up, I can't predict when I'm going to burst into laughter, tears, anger or whatever else. It's quite the process.

I love you sweet, sweet angel baby!

Love me,

Mama