My dear Mikayla,
You know, I have a whole bunch of thoughts run through my head all week long and make a mental note to write you about them but when it comes time to writing you, I can't remember! All I can remember is that I need to write to you.
My emotions have been all over lately. I've been noticing something about them. When I'm around certain people or places or hear/talk about certain things, it doesn't really hit me at the moment, but later when I'm home the tears just flow. It's not like anyone does anything on purpose, it's just small things that remind me of you that build up and just when I feel like I've handled the day well and put on a good show, boom. Ya, it's crazy. I'm crazy, I tell ya.
Last week was hard, some old feelings came back and hit me hard. I couldn't control it, well after thinking "It's not fair! It's not fair that everyone around me is happy with all their children and I can't." I couldn't help feeling it, so I just allowed myself to feel what I was feeling. Wow that sounded redundant.
I've been having a hard time lately with being happy. Well, I am happy but not 100% truly happy. That won't happen until we're all reunited and together again. Then I'll be blissfully happy. I somehow feel I'm letting you down or betraying you or maybe even forgetting you by being happy. This is normal, I've read that people grieving go through this. I also heard something about how we need to let go. I can't do that. In my mind, letting go means forgetting you, and I'm in no way going to do that. Holding on is what I want to do, what I need to do, for me. Holding on to memories of you is all I have; without them I would feel like you don't exist. And there's nothing that scares and hurts me more than to think of forgetting you like that. I already feel like a lot of people have forgotten and that pains me enough.
What gets me through my days is how grateful I am to have the rest of my family with me still. My personal 'hell' would be to be without my family; to be all alone. My aching to hold you is soothed a little when I hold and squeeze sweet Faith in my arms, and thinking of another sweet baby to hug and smother with kisses. Your daddy makes me so happy, I am incredibly grateful for him. I believe no one else could make me as happy as he does.
That's just our own sweet little family, when I start thinking of other family, I think how even more blessed I am to have such a functional, loving, close-knit family who loves me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my own mom to call up and ask for a recipe, advice, or just to talk or go on our weekly visits without her there to hug and comfort me and be my constant shoulder to cry on when I'm feeling down (which has been a lot more lately). Or not having my own dad there, who always makes me feel like his day just got better by seeing me, and not being able to sit in his den and talk about all sorts of things with him from everything from scriptures to jokes to you, Mikkie, to work, etc.... To not have my parents who have been nothing but the greatest example of love and service to me all my life.
Having all of this and more is what makes me happy enough to get me through my day. I am happy, but I will be ecstatic and overwhelmed and bursting with unfathomable joy when we're all together again. I don't get really excited about a whole lot anymore, but when I think of that, my heart overflows with excitement. I cannot wait for that day. It can't come soon enough.
I know God wants me to be happy and I know that it's got to be hard for you to see me struggling so much; and for those reasons, I will continue on with hope, strength and taking on each day the best that I know how.
I love you so much, Mikkie! I always have an image of your sweet face in my mind. I'm looking forward to when that image once again becomes real right in front of me.
Love,
Mama
