Sunday, November 10, 2013

Happy 5!

Sweet baby girl,

Happy birthday today! Such a beautiful day 5 years ago when you came into our lives; we were changed the moment we met you and will always be touched by your sweet little spirit.

Such a day full of bitter and sweet emotions. I feel fine, no tears in sight, one moment then the next tears flood out uninvited. I sure did feel your sweet spirit with us, can't really describe it to anyone and they may not even believe me, but I know what I feel and I know you were here. Who would miss out on their own birthday even if they were on the other side! I know you wouldn't have missed it for anything. I put so much love into everything I did for your celebration, I could just see you loving the purple and butterflies; I just put all I had into giving you an amazing birthday as I could. You deserve a fun birthday party just as much as the rest of our children. I regret never giving you one while you were here, but you sure did enjoy yourself at Faith's candyland one!

Daddy shared some thoughts today and was saying how some may think we are living in the past by continuing to celebrate your birthday with you gone, but we see it the opposite, we are living in the present and keeping you and your memory with us in the now. Remember the quote I put on your book.. "Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten." No way in the world am I leaving you behind! You touched our lives too much, and we love you too much to not honor you and the sweet memories you left us with to just let it all be. I want the world to know that this mommy loves her angel girl more than anything and my goal is to never let your memory die.

I was reading something on grief, and it was saying something to the effect that moving on does not mean letting go. Even then I don't like to say moving on, because we're not, we are moving FORWARD, with you along as we meet each new day. Celebrating birthdays, angelversaries....are important times that include a lot of healing for me and hopefully for others who join us... I know we're not the only one who loved you so much and grieve at your loss, so it's nice to be gathered together and talk about you as we all cry, laugh and heal together. No one should be forgotten on their special day EVEN when they're not here... I actually think it's even more important when they're not here, because we need to talk about them even more to keep their memories alive. It will always always just be who I am with the goal to have you be remembered! Especially within our own little family. Faith will never forget you, Spencer and any other future kids will feel like they know you because of how much you are included in our daily lives. You are one incredibly loved girl, I hope you feel it! I hope you saw and felt how much love went into this little party for you, and the love that everyone brought.

I think about you turning 5 today, and memory is just frozen in time of being 21 months old, I keep thinking of the things you would be doing but they all include what an almost 2 year old would do.... I know one thing for sure though, you would be having the time of your life playing with your sister and brother who love you so very much. The image of you three playing together has been going through my mind a lot, and I would give anything to see that for real.... my three angels together, playing happily with each other. Faith is so good to her little brother, I can tell that you have for sure left a sweet impression on that girl, she has a soft spot for little kids and is so good playing with them. It's her honoring you, Mikkie... being super kind to little kids, as I know she's thinking of you, her sweet sister whom she loved to play with and have as her constant sidekick.

At the end of the day, after everyone left, it's almost as if your presence had left too, because the tears came pouring as I looked around at the party aftermath and your sweet little picture in your high chair..... the thoughts came once again... "it's just not fair, to be sitting here at the end of your special day crying and holding your picture, where I should be laughing and holding your little body in my arms so tight. I shouldn't have to be at the cemetery visiting my daughter on her birthday, we should be excitedly getting ready together and primping her up like a princess." Only normal thoughts of grieving mother who loves her angel so much it hurts, literally, and wants nothing more than just to hold her baby just one more time... just once.

I love you birthday girl, thanks for coming to our family 5 beautiful years ago. It was one of the brightest days in my life.




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Lisa R.D. said...

I loved this post, and I loved the party that you put together for her... she certainly would have loved every bit of it!