Angelversary #4

It's crazy how one day can be just another day to most while for others it's a day of celebration or grief. Four years, Mikkie, how can that be? It was only yesterday that you were in my arms, looking up at me with that award winning smile and bright blue eyes. 

Time seems to have been speeding up each year, it's beginning to be a big blur! That's why even more than ever I'm seeing great importance of living in the moment, being completely present wherever you are and whoever you're with, and giving your full, undivided attention. 

Three days ago, it was a beautiful day full of many tears, memories, laughs, cries, smiles, love, support, comfort.... and your unmistakable presence. There was no doubt that you were with us, wow, you made it very clear that you were there! It brought so much comfort to me, I can't describe or explain the feeling I got, but you were there. Memories may fade but I could never forget what your sweet little spirit and presence feels like. I told people, and I was serious, I felt like God gave you the reigns over the weather for this day because He knows what an important day it is, and knew what would give us comfort. There's no way something could be orchestrated so perfectly and at the right timing all by coincidence. There is no such thing as coincidence anyways.

It went like this.....

Started out cloudy, with a gentle wind as we gathered around your grave.

"Every time I feel the wind brush across my face, I’ll think of you sending kisses and blowing them my way."

As soon as daddy and I started talking, sharing our thoughts to everyone, the small rays of sunlight that were peaking through in the distance burst through the clouds, shining ever so brightly and warmly on us. By the time it was my turn to say something, I was overcome with a feeling so strong and knew at that moment you were there. 

"Every time I feel the sun shining through the clouds, I'll think of you let me feel the warmth of your love..."

A few tears were shed as others shared poems, thoughts, memories. Rain sprinkled lightly just enough to notice. 

"Every time I see the rain falling from above, I’ll think of you shedding tears each time I cry for you"

Rainbow suckers were being passed out to all the kids, when I hear, "Laura, look at the rainbow!!"

I darted over quickly as to not miss any chance of seeing it. There is was.

"Every time I see a rainbow cross the sky, it gives me hope to move forward for another day."

My friend surprised us with butterfly cookies, so sweet.

"Every time I see a butterfly flutter pass, I’ll think of you, oh how fast life transforms to the other side"

I brought out watermelon for everyone to munch on, one of your favorites :) Though I didn't see anyone eat the rind like you ;)

The kids all pranced around having fun, enjoying being together. We had a nice time visiting with each other.

I brought one of your dresses and bows and had Spencer dressed up in it so people could see just how much he resembles you... it's uncanny, especially when you get him dressed up looking like you. :) Your Gramma told me to hurry and take off the dress before she bawled. hah Everyone was gasping and taking pictures of him. I told my friend, who never met you, "Come meet Mikkie!" hah It was great.

Grandma made me take this dress off before it made her bawl. The resemblance of you is just uncanny.

Then driving home... right in front of me the whole drive home, we got an amazing show with a darkened sky, with red/orange clouds, lightning and a little rain. It was quite the sight, I was in awe!

The following day you'd never know we got such a spectacular show, it was back to looking like a regular day. I'm ever so grateful for God's tender mercies.

Usually the balloons go straight up and disappear, but this time they went up out of sight, then a few minutes later we saw them coming into sight again but flying to the East. 

Forever Family.

Just incredible. Grandpa noticed something in this picture.... look at the top left, do you see the baby?! Man, too perfect. 

Your uncle Patrick wrote a poem about you and shared it that night, it was very touching. Especially the fact that he thought of it on his own, I'm very moved by that kind of thoughtfulness. I asked if I could share it...

"Memories are fickle. And can play tricks on your mind.

They often don't last the test over time.

But I can still feel you and know you are there.  

And I hold to the hope that i will always still care. 

Care enough to remember that I must always be good.  

Care enough to try hard when I know that I should.  

Care enough to hold on to beliefs that are weak.  

Care enough to ask for sweat gentle relief.  

It is time to move forward, time to forgive what i lost.  

It is time to realize that Mickie will never be lost.  

I know there will be a reunion in a happier place.  

but it still doesn't stop me from missing your face. 

We love you mikkie!"

I could feel his love for you as he read it. You are a very loved little girl, Mikkie. Your sweet spirit did and continues to touch others. A hard day turned out once again to be beautiful, full of much love and support from so many, sweet reminders, sharpening and brightening memories of you, and an incredible closeness with you. Thanks for making it clear to me that you were here with us like I asked, I was paying close attention :)

I love you my precious girl!!

Love always,

Mama

Linked

Dear Mikkie,

I just got a little insight this morning that made me think and realize once again how much God is part of our lives, even in the little details.

I was just reading an article that was too perfect. It's like listening to General Conference and hearing a talk or two and knowing that it wasn't by coincidence they are talking about that topic, but because God knew it's what you needed. As I was reading this article, I stopped and my thoughts turned to thinking how I happened on this in the first place. I was on Facebook, saw an article that moved me, leading me to think about some things about myself and things in my life, then I thought about writing down my thoughts in my journal; then I stopped after a few sentences, jumping online to do one thing but instead came to the article. At that moment a thought came to my mind that a good friend had shared with me last month. She had mentioned how sometimes she may get a feeling to see if I'm ok or another friend, and when she find out I'm ok, it's like God had this little process to help her get to the point to talk to me, not because of the fact that something was wrong, but maybe just because we both needed a friend at that moment, and instead of just calling me at the first thought, God knew He had to go a round-about way to get her to talk to me. I'm not sure if any of that just made sense, but I thought of that as my mind ran through this little scenario this morning- I feel God knew that I wasn't going to go directly to the site to find the article; He knew I would be on Facebook and see the article, be moved, stirring up thoughts in my mind causing me to action, leading me to what I feel like I needed to read. This has happened more times than I can count, and I'm not one to believe in coincidence, I believe everything happens for a reason, whether it's something big or just something simple.

It's no doubt to me that God is in even the tiniest of details in our lives. We may not even recognize it more than half the time, but He's there. I think we would be surprised by how many of our thoughts are linked through to Him.

I love you Mikkie.

Love,

Mama

Reminders for me

Hello sweet girl,

Life is sweet. Every day is not perfect, I don't always do and say the right things, and the day doesn't always go as well as I expected, but that doesn't mean life's not great.

The other day I was backing out of the garage a little too fast, a little too close to the side, knocking the mirror off. I was in a hurry and just pushed it back on, and later down the road the mirror flung off and was dangling by two cords, thumping against the van, then to my dismay it broke off and flew into the middle of the busy road, almost dragging the bulk of it with it. I turned around, parked on side of the road it was closest to, and waiting for a opening in traffic, I got my prego self out, only to have the sleeve of my coat catch onto the door lock. I had to wait for another chance to run, then made an awkward waddle-dash, squatted to pick up the mirror and threw it back in the van feeling very annoyed that this was making me late. Then I just laughed because, it really wasn't that big of a deal, it was nothing that duct tape couldn't fix and there are much more serious things that could've happened, and this had only been a gentle reminder again to be more careful when I back out of the driveway.

Rewind a week before that. A saturday morning, daddy and I were in the kitchen talking, Faith had just ran out to play and little did we know Spencer had followed her out. Oblivious to anything that just happened, Spencer came bopping around the corner into the kitchen, begging for snacks as usual. I get a text 5 minutes later from my friend/neighbor a couple doors down saying they were leaving, and backing out of the driveway noticed Spencer was right behind them. She noticed our door was open, and nobody answered when she called out Hello, so she stuck Spencer inside and shut the door. Thankfully they are safe drivers and drove slowly to see my little boy. I felt a flood of relief wash over me, and then guilt for not knowing he had escaped out the door, and then the thought of realizing something could've happened to my little boy brought tears to my eyes and my heart sank, yet full of gratitude to God for protecting him. I knew that you, Mikkie, his guardian angel, were protecting your little brother. It took a few hours for me to get over those feelings.

Then just yesterday, just a few miles down the road from us was a very bad car accident involving a smaller car and a big cement truck. It sent shivers down my spine as I looked over the car that had been smashed to smithereens, then tears filled my eyes as I prayed everyone was ok.

These three experiences are reminders to me to take life a little slower, be grateful for every moment, and not get caught up in the thick of thin things.

Each day, each hour, each moment is special and I intend to do my best to make the most of it.

I love you my little girl!

Love,

Mama

Goals

Hello sweet girl,

It's that time of year again... it's just incredible that a new year is upon us and already almost into March! I love this time of year, starting new and fresh, making goals. I don't really like to do New Year Resolutions anymore, but have a specific thing I want to focus on more.

Last year I was focusing simply on being happy. What I've learned is that we are each in control of our OWN happiness. We cannot and should not give the reigns of our happiness to anyone else. And you cannot force anyone to be happy. You have to constantly choose to be happy; no matter what others do or say or think of you, you can choose to let that get to you and effect you negatively, letting them choose your emotions, or you can choose to learn to be ok with what others think and still choose to be happy and show love and be the type of person you want to be. People, especially those closest to us, can greatly influence our happiness, but the minute we allow them control over our feelings (making us feel hurt, angry, sad, etc..) we are in for an emotional roller coaster ride. We can instead think to ourselves...."why does what they said or did make me feel this way? and think it out in our minds until we feel we are ok with the reason." I think once we can become strong enough to feel, with a soft and loving heart, "I'm ok with you needing to feel angry at me." If there's something that needs to be apologized for on YOUR end, you do whatever needs to be done, but if it's on their end... all you can do is be ok with it, and show them love. Seriously that has really truly helped me to be a much happier person! Not relying on others completely for my own personal happiness- I'm happy because I want to be. It's empowering to feel that you can choose to be happy and not let what people say or think get to you, and continue to feel and show genuine love. That's what Christ is like- people were always criticizing him and judging and speaking unkindly of and to Him, but did He let them affect how He felt? He might have felt sad... for THEIR sake, but it did not change his inner happiness. He knew who He was and what His mission was. He could look past people's actions and words and see into their hearts- He loved purely and unconditionally. What an AMAZING kind of love, it just astounds me.
I'm not even in the vicinity of being close to loving like that, but I know that when I do try and practice just loving, I feel closer to Christ and I can see people through His eyes, causing me to feel the love He has for them.

My goal for this year is looking more outwardly- putting myself in other people's shoes, trying to see things from their view.

A quote from Mother Teresa came to mind, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
An instinct for most of us is to jump to conclusions, assuming the worst, maybe not even realizing it and not intending to think ill or have bad intentions towards the other. If something happens, say... someone cuts you off on the road or is going to slow, our immediate reaction or thought is "Wow, what a jerk" or "what's wrong with this person!"  or if the store clerk is not very friendly, we automatically think "Man, what a grump!"

What are we doing in these and many other times? We are judging negatively. We are consumed with thoughts of all the negative things that we THINK are right, leaving zero time to feel or show any love to that person. Pretty much most the time we are wrong about others anyways.

If instead we took each circumstance and stepped back for a minute before we get hijacked on the negativity train, and put ourselves in their shoes thinking what would cause a person to act like or say that? By trying to understand others and how they feel and where they may be coming from helps you to feel more sympathy and compassion for them, leaving zero time to feel negative towards them.
We all want to feel loved and understood right?

I pray I can become this type of person, be a more compassionate, loving person just because I want to, not because people are giving me reasons to (or not giving any which would make me feel inclined to withhold showing love)- I choose to show unconditional love. 

I certainly have an unconditional love for my children. Mikkie, your death has taught me a great deal about this. 

I love you as purely as a mother can. 

Love,

Mama

Angels among us

Dearest Mikkie,

A friend recently asked me if the holidays have gotten easier for me. I didn't really know how to answer that. Easier as in am I crying everyday and feeling the same heart wrenching pain that was so fresh 3 years ago.... no I'm not. Is it easier in such that the holidays are back to 'normal' and I'm able to handle not having you here with me.... no, things will never be the same. Holidays have been and will forever be changed. It's just the way life is now.

So yes, I'm able to cope better, things are 'easier' in that aspect, but the longing I feel to have you back in my arms and the wishing and dreaming of what life would be like if you were still here will be a constant part of my daily life.

The spirit of excitement for Christmas and watching the kids open their gifts has not left, it's still there, but is also coupled with pangs of sadness as I look at your empty little stocking, and think about what I would have gotten you and how I would have loved to see the pure excitement in your eyes, matching that of your sister's.

Angels have been on my mind a lot, obviously because I'm always thinking of you. I love the song "Angels Among Us" and whenever I hear it I feel a strong powerful feeling testifying of it's truth. There ARE angels among us, seen and unseen, earthly and heavenly.
We all have times when things happen that you just can't explain, and some would chalk it up to coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. There is definitely someone watching out for us. I know there is someone watching out for me, and I know that angels are so very real and so very close. I have felt you so close this Christmas, you have a very sweet, special presence- one that I recognize so very well. You are my personal angel, and have been by my side to comfort me and strengthen me. That's proof that we have a loving Father in Heaven- He loves us so much, and family is not just important but KEY to His plan, that He allows us even beyond the veil to continue helping and blessing the lives of our family.

I recently read a quote by Joseph Smith saying, "If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates."

That's powerful and interesting to me. The fact that is says 'angels cannot be restrained'... says to me that angels are eager to help us, it takes for them to be restrained to not be there, otherwise they are hard at work helping loved ones. How amazing is that!

Here's the words to the beautiful song Angels Among Us. So beautiful, I cannot hear it without getting major goosebumps and get the feeling that an angel is right next to me... and I know who it is :)

I love you sweet, sweet girl!! You are a true angel in my life, when you were on earth, and now in Heaven you continue to bless my life. You are truly Heaven-sent.

Love,

Mama


"I was walking home from school on a cold winter day.
Took a shortcut through the woods, and I lost my way.
It was getting late, and I was scared and alone.
But then a kind old man took my hand and led me home.
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there.
And I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.

When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.

And ain't it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.


They wear so many faces; show up in the strangest places.
To grace us with their mercy, in our time of need.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love."