Thursday, August 13, 2015

The night before

Hello sweet girl,

It's hours away from being the 14th, and I'm at a loss of what to write and say. I want to invite others to join in the day of forgiveness in your honor but can't find the words or motivation. I want to make tomorrow as special and memorable as I can, yet I struggle to know what to say or do anymore.
It's so weird how I feel, not sure whether it's peace or numbness, or a bit of both. I'm usually a lot more emotional before. Maybe i'm just planning too much and expecting too much from myself and instead of worrying about what to say to others, I should just focus on just you and what I would do for you, not anyone else. I worry that as more years go on maybe people won't want to participate, or worry about not saying something inspiring or maybe people are getting bored from sitting listening to us in the hot sun at the cemetery.

The problem with all of this, I see now, is that I'm too focused on what other people will think and do.  It doesn't matter if the only people that participated was just myself, I'm doing this for YOU, in your memory and the fact that others join us is a bonus. And I don't have to think so hard about coming up with the perfect thing to say, there's not going to be a magical thing I can say, I just need to focus inside of me and what I really feel, whether it be something simple or not, whether I think it's lame or whatever.

I haven't written in here for a while because I feel like I can't express myself as well as I used to. I used to write a lot more and things just seemed to flow, why is it such a struggle now? Maybe I over think things to much, I should just write.

Yesterday was an emotional day. I was doing Faith's hair in the afternoon so I could take her school pictures. She started complaining her legs were tired and she needed to sit, then started to slowly collapse against the wall on her side. I thought she was just joking around and being silly, but when I realized that something was wrong and she wasn't responding to me, I quickly laid her on the floor and she finally came to. Her face was all pale and cold/clammy, she said she had blacked out and her chest was hurting.
Of course I started to freak out, and without any consent, my emotions took over and I called Daddy and then Gramma and started sobbing, frozen in fear.

I took her to the Instacare as soon as me neighbor came to stay with Emmett who was asleep. Grampa met us there and waited. The doctor seemed concerned about the chest pain so he sent us to the hospital for further tests.
When I got there, my eyes were obviously tear-stained and red, and as I was checking in, I got the sense from the lady that she was probably thinking, "calm down lady, no need to freak out over her fainting." And maybe more who saw me thought the same thing. What they don't know is the behind the scenes. And even those who do know about it may still not even fully understand. When I experience something traumatic, very stressful and emotional, it's like the door in my mind that i shut and locked and repressed, flings open and flashbacks come flooding my mind and I have no control over my emotions. Depending on the severity of the situation, sometimes i'm able to quickly slam that 'door' back shut, and be ok, or maybe have the emotions be delayed and fall apart as soon as I leave the crowds. I never am just experiencing the situation at hand, it's that plus the experience with you. That's me now. I am forever ruined, and that's just the way I will probably always be. I may seem to others to be overreacting, but they just don't understand.

Gramps gave Faith and I a blessing of comfort and did it work! Ever since then I've felt a great, deep sense of peace. Maybe it's carried on over to tonight and that's why I can't really feel anything but just ....peace.

I better get to bed, big day tomorrow. Who knows what it will hold.

I love you so much!