Wednesday, November 3, 2010

God's will

Dearest Mikkie,

Where to begin? Things would be a little bit easier if we hadn't shared our news with everyone already. Monday I felt like something was wrong when I started spotting, but tried not to worry as this has happened to many people I know and things turned out ok. Yesterday I woke up and nothing had changed, only the color was brighter red, so to get a piece of mind I called a nurse to ask. Apparently she thought it was urgent enough to schedule an appointment for an ultrasound. An hour later I was there in the room, not knowing what to expect. I had hope things were ok until they tried several things and looked at pretty much every organ in my body, then finally had the doctor come in...I then knew things didn't look good. Doctor took one glance and said, "there's the sac, but there's no baby in it, I'm sorry." I thought, What?!?! What do you mean no baby! According to my diagnose "Blighted Ovum", I was pregnant at first but it didn't go through. All 3 of them stood there staring at me, and I thought to myself, "Little do you know what I just went through 2 months ago. You have no idea how much harder this is after such an ordeal, this isn't just any miscarriage, it was my HOPE." At that moment I didn't want anyone to be in the room, so I hurried talking to him, got out of the room, zipped to my car (with Faith in tow) and my heart just burst with pain and tears that I thought I was more immune to by now.

When Faith came to the front seat and gave me a hug, I said immediately through my mumbled words, "Faith I love you, Please don't you ever leave me!" It was more of a desperate demand than a suggestion. I didn't know quite what to think about life at that point. All I knew is I didn't feel like driving, I just wanted to cry and beat something up...too bad I wasn't by my punching bag, I could've really used it. Instead I just clenched my fists and screamed, letting it all out.
By the time your daddy and Aunt Tammy got there, I was a bit more calm. Tammy took Faith for the night and daddy took me out to eat and a movie. At first I didn't want to do anything. But I had remembered the prayer I said on the way to the doctor's.

When you were being flown to the hospital, those 2 1/2 months ago, I found out the hard way that life is so much easier if we accept God's will and make it our own. I prayed so hard for what I wanted, that I didn't make time to think or feel what His will was. I think I even knew what it was, but foolishly thought that if I prayed hard enough or bartered, He would change it, but God does not barter. We accept and do His will or we are just asking to be miserable.
So, I tried to do things a little differently this time, hopefully learning from the first time, and I said to Him, "I don't know what's going to happen, and once again I feel like everything is out of my hands. I beg of Thee to let this baby live and I may continue to have a healthy pregnancy, BUT... (this is what I did not say last time, it was "do it or else I won't _ _ _") if it's Thy will that this baby not survive, then I pray ye will bless me with the spirit of understanding, comfort and peace strongly." Of course it didn't happen right away, God allowed me some time to vent my frustration (which I think I was entitled to) and grieve the loss of another baby; a baby I never got to meet.
When your daddy took me out for dinner, we got to a park to eat, and I could see the worried look on his face. Worried about me. His comment about not wanting me to go crazy made that clear. I suddenly felt invigorated as if Someone had breathed in me, hope, love, and peace. I told him that I'm ok. Amazingly enough, I felt at peace with things. I told him I know it just wasn't meant to be, if it was, things would've worked out. I'm not sure why it had to happen at this exact timing (kind of rotten in our opinions), but it was God's will. I know it's just another test. Maybe I didn't get it right the first time, or maybe there's just something else to learn. I know that this is not a punishment, I know God loves me, and I know He's very aware. I seem more able to accept His will this time, and therefore allowing the spirit of peace and comfort to envelop my soul. I thought of Joseph Smith and his wife, Emma and all the trials they went through, yet through all that they stayed strong. I thought of how many babies Emma lost and how I can relate to her, but one thing I didn't have and I wanted was her faith and strength. Joseph not once cursed God, he knew that through all that, great things would come from it.
I hope that God sees me as a woman of faith. I hope that when all is said and done, I will be judged as dealing with my trials well, and that I can be counted among those great people like Joseph Smith, Nephi, and so many others.

In this time of great misfortune and amongst so much sadness, I want to take a minute to give thanks. It's almost Thanksgiving time, which I think is a very appropriate time. Although, every day is appropriate to give thanks. I have so much to be grateful for. I am extremely grateful that I still have my sweet girl, Faith with me, and my loving husband. We're all healthy and not struggling with illness. I still have most my family here also, who have been angels in my life uplifting, encouraging, comforting and loving me at all times. 5 years ago another great family was added to my life, the Harper's, I have been blessed by knowing them and have also felt of their love, comfort and support. We are blessed to have a job, in these times that is a great thing. We have a beautiful home with so many comforts. We have 2 more guardian angels looking out for us, rooting us on to make it to the finish line, saving us a spot in our heavenly home. We have a loving Father who is over all, who knows all....that should bring us all great comfort, to know that the One who's in charge over everything is so just, so loving, so forgiving! And even if I lost everything, it would only be for a short time, and even then I would still have my faith...that is something that can never be taken away without my consent. I'm grateful to be alive to help accomplish God's work and to do good things, and do His will...which I'm still praying to know. I know I will be more happy to be on the same page as God.

Mikkie, my heart has been very heavy this past week and I have been aching for you, I really hope you know how much I really love you. You are such a sweetheart and I love having pictures to look at your sweet, precious face that I see everyday. I'm honored to know that I was living with a Celestial being. If only I treated you more like one. Til' we meet again, my angel......

With much love,



Lisa R.D. said...

My heart aches for you, but I feel so uplifted reading your thoughts and feelings. You are strong and I know that you are blessed, even as you are blessing those of us around you.

Winston and Adrienne said...

I am so sorry for your loss Laura! I LOVE that you are leaning so much on the Lord. You have sadness but very little bitterness, an amazing way to handle things! You're awesome!

The Sutton's said...

Oh Laura I am so sorry. Your faith through trial's amazes me and you have helped my testimony grow. I hope you know that you are loved.

Love...Laughter...Life said...

I am so sorry for your loss! I have walked in those shoes. After 7 years of trying for a baby. We finally were pregnant. Just two short months and I had a miscarriage. We thought we had a miracle, just to have it taken away. Thank goodness we have the knowledge and Faith of the big picture. I love your words they are so inspiring. Thank you for sharing.

The Jessee Journal said...

Laura, thank you so much for sharing this. When I heard the news I could not believe that this could be happening to you ... I was heart broken that you would have to deal with more loss so soon. I spent the evening worrying and thinking of you ... I had to pull down some (dusty ;) spiritual books off the library shelves to finally find some peace. It just seeems this year has been so hard and so sad and that every single person I love is facing major life trials. And last night it seemed so fair and I just didn't understand. ... thankfully words of wisdom from others with much greater faith than my own (like Richard G. Scott who lost his two year old son and then his daughter at birth just 6 weeks later) ... taught me again to have greater faith in God's plan for all of us. To change my perspective completely. So thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are an amazing person and seeing how your faith is being refined and made SO Great is inspiring to me :)

Katie Webb said...

Laura I'm so sorry for your loss. I experienced the same type of miscarriage, but I cannot say I know how you feel. I'm glad that you are letting Christ's light bring you peace. Hang on sweetie. You are so strong and so amazing! I think of you when I think of a woman of faith. xoxo

Jenny said...

Oh my goodness...this must be unreal! I can't believe what you have had to suffer! I love your testimony, I love that you share it, I love that you are hanging on to it. What else can you do?! I can't even imagine...all I know is that I have hung on to my 5 sweet kids a little more tightly these last couple of months. I'm so sorry, just doesn't seem fair sometimes. After the trial of your faith...comes some of the greatest blessings. I do know this and though I haven't suffered the loss of a child, I have suffered other things in other ways and I do KNOW that this is true! He has suffered for you and me and everyone else who has felt grief of any kind. He knows your pain, Laura. Hang in there! I love you! I would love to help you in any way...Abby loves playing with me anytime if you need to hang out or get away...I would love it! My prayers are still with you. :)

Clay and Jessica Brown said...

Ah, Lafa, I'm so sorry! I cry with you! I know so many of those thoughts cross my mind.....and yet I know in the end it is the Lord's will that we must accept. The other day Clay gave me a blessing (I've been struggling with my losses), and he told me that HF was sad with me and he knew my sadness. In a way I felt so much comfort in that...He is our father and He doesn't want us to go without, but He also knows the bigger picture and with our faith in Him we can accept all things and learn and grow and become our best selves. You lift me up often when I am down.

Now wouldn't it be cool if we both got pregnant again at the same time?! Don't give up hope--for this too shall pass! I love you tons!

Let me know if you ever need to talk---I'm home all day and have plenty of time to lend you a listening ear! You can even call me in the middle of the night--since it won't be so late my time!haha! :D

P.S. I know this is a bad time to ask, but are you still willing to do a background for me for my blog? If not just let me know! :D

Traci said...

I love you Laura, and I'm so sorry for you and Tim, and Faith. I couldn't believe it yesterday when I got the news. I also felt how unfair for you to have to deal with this now, but you are so wise and faithful. You have a lot of wonderful support near you, in addition to spiritually, and I'm so proud that you can keep your faith and show how incredibly strong you are (and Tim too). You are someone to be admired. Lots of hugs, love, prayers and tears are coming your way.

oregon said...

Dear, Sweeet, Laura. I am so sorry! I had no words when I found out but many tears for you and Tim and much misunderstanding. One thing I do understand is how amazing you are!! We are so proud to have you in our family! Tim certainly picked a winner:) and YES!! You are definately there with Nephi & Joseph in my book! The Lord must have some big plans for you!! Thank you for your marvelous example of incredible strength & your willingness to "move forward with faith"! (and a punching bag) I love you tons!!!

agravette said...

i'm so sorry and i'm praying for you and your family. may Jesus' love comfort you and give you peace. God bless you!