Birthday

Dearest Mikkie,

Two very short years ago (from yesterday), I held one of the most beautiful baby girl's in my arms that I just gave birth to...what a miraculous thing birth is. Every baby is a miracle. Did you know that your uncle Dale helped pick out your name? I didn't like it at first, but it kept coming back to me. It's supposed to mean 'Heaven sent'. How appropriate is that?! You are definitely a Mikayla, a "Mikkie".

I woke up to the sound of giggling, tiny feet pounding the walls and tiny hands shaking the crib senseless. I sneakily crack your door open and watch as my precious babies play together. Your older sister, Faith likes to climb in your crib and bounce around with you, which I usually discourage but wouldn't want to ruin the tender moment. I accidentally move the door too much, causing it to give a little creak. Both of you suddenly stop and seconds later I have 4 of the most gorgeous blue eyes staring at me with great excitement. Knowing I blew my cover I swing the door open and rush to your crib with my arms wide open ready to receive my girls with a big hug. Both of you scurry around the crib with more energy, happy to have an audience. You jump up and wrap your arms tightly around my neck as I lift you up and squeeze you tight, "Happy birthday Mikkie, my sweet lil angel pie" I shout with excitement! With pure joy you squeeze me even tighter. I swoop Faith up in my other arm, giving attention to her begging to be held also. Today is a special day and I'm throwing a great big party with all our friends and family present. Your eyes light up even more than they already do at all the fun, bright colored decorations. Once your eyes hit the arrangements of delicious cupcakes and goodies, you make a beeline for them ready to poke your fingers right into them. You get a chance to shove your face into one later when everyone sings 'Happy Birthday' to you. You run around following Faith and all of your little friends wanting to be included in whatever they are up to. I watch you from across the room as you have the time of your life with beaming smiles that light up the entire room. I can't help but smile ear to ear when I see that precious smile of yours and hear your contagious little giggle. I sit back and soak it all in, being careful not to move in fear of the moment being shattered.......

....then I blink and confusion hits me as hard as the tears throbbing in my throat. I think to myself, that's how the day should've been, but as much as I want it to be true, the day was the very opposite of that.

I awoke with a heavy heart at the realization that it was the day you would be turning two, but I did not have you here in my arms to shower you with birthday hugs and kisses. My arms were lonely and aching as much as my heart. I forced myself out of bed at the realization I had another little angel downstairs waiting for my love and care. We got ready and drove over to Gramma's house. 1/2 hour and a million tears later we arrive and were greeted by Grampa, who took me lovingly into his arms knowing what I was thinking and what the day meant. We sobbed into each other's shoulder's, paying no attention to the stinging bite of the chilly air.

After mostly the same routine with your Gramma, we decide to head to the cemetery. Faith picked out a special balloon for you and I picked out some vibrant pink flowers that reminded me of you....bright and full of life. It was touching to see your Gramma let the balloon go in the sky as she said something to you. There were a lot more tears than words that day.

I had a very hard, miserable day, Mikkie. I so very badly wanted you to be here, to be in my arms where you're supposed to be. I wanted so badly to go back and change things. When I knew I just couldn't, frustration and anger would seep into my heart. I'm sorry to say I was not as strong as I could've been, and because of that I feel once again I failed at giving you a special birthday. That made me feel even more awful.

After having a long talk with you grandparents, I started to realize that you can't focus on things you can't change or have no control over, it just leads to great frustration. I may not be proud of how I handle things sometimes, but the past is the past, I can make the future better by focusing on the present and just trying again....giving life my best shot once again. I think of the atonement and what that means to me. Christ atoned for our sins, he felt every single possible thing in the whole world from beginning to end, there is nothing that He hasn't felt or experienced. If it was so important that He do this, I know it's got to be important that we take advantage of this great and merciful sacrifice made for us....to never give up- it's NEVER too late to turn around and change. He will accept us gladly with open and accepting arms and be glad that we made the decision to come back. I can sit here and get depressed on my faults and weaknesses and say "What's the point, why should I go on"...because He went on, He did not give up on us that day at Calvary, He went on through the most unimaginable pain ever experienced. I owe it to Him to go on through my trials, through my hard times and not give up on Him. After this life our trials are going to seem like such small, minuscule problems that we will look back and think "look what it made me into today, I'm a stronger, wiser and better person because of those experiences." I have to remember these are growing and learning times, I can learn and grow a lot if I allow it.

Mikkie, I'm sorry I wasted such a special day yesterday. Your daddy told me that the best present we could give you for your birthday would be to be happy. Can I have another chance?I'll try again on Saturday for your party. I won't let it be a miserable day.

I continue to hope that you really know how much I really love you. You are mommy's little girl, you've always been a "mama's girl" and always will have a special place in my heart.

Thank you Mikayla, for coming into our family 2 years ago, blessing and enriching our lives even more with your presence. I am a better person for knowing you, my life is forever changed. I am truly blessed to have you as my daughter. I love you!

Love me always,

Mama