Gone

Dearest Mikayla,

Daddy, me, Grandpa and Grandma just got back from a week long cruise 2 days ago. It was the very first time I've left Faith and it was hard for me. I missed her so much! I was so focused on how much I would miss her that I didn't take time to think how it would affect her being away from us, seeing as she has very little concept of time. She was in good hands but still didn't make it easy I'm sure, not knowing when or if her mommy and daddy were coming back. It broke my heart when I heard of the things she said, I felt like such an awful mom for leaving her and not thinking about how it might affect her. I didn't realize she would react like she did.
I was so very excited to see her! Even though my legs hurt very badly from my sunburn, I ignored the pain and ran in to see her and almost cried, I was so happy to see her. The surprised look on her face told me that she probably wasn't sure if we were actually coming back. I gave her a big hug and said 'I told you we'd come back to get you!' to which she hurriedly replied, " You brought Mikkie back?!" How deeply my heart sunk after that. Trying not to cry I told her, "no, she's still with Jesus, Faith, but mommy and daddy are back!" I explained to her that we were just on vacation and where we went and showed her pictures. I hope she understands a little more now. Poor sweet, sweet girl. I can't leave her anymore, I just can't do it.

Aside from missing Faith like crazy, the trip was fun and invigorating. It was nice to have a change of pace and scenery. I had always turned down cruises before because of my extreme fear of the ocean. Something inside me changed when you died, Mikkie. Compared to traumatically losing my baby angel girl, this fear was nothing. I told myself it would not be as bad as I make it out to be. And it wasn't. It was beautiful. I'm glad I went and faced that fear. There is, however, a difference between fear and trauma... I have fear of water, but the fear has turned into more of a traumatization? I don't know what to call it or how to explain it. I was fine being on water, yet I did not, could not, go near the pool on that boat the whole trip. The scent and scene of it all stirred up images and emotions from that day and I just had to get away.

Like daddy said, how we wish we could just go pick you up, if only it worked that way, there would be no distance too great, no price too high if we could just come and get you. It makes complete sense to a little child, I could see how it would totally be plausible in her mind. She always asks, like she's making sure the answer is still the same, "we're going to see her again?!" More of an exclamation instead of a question.

Though we feel peace, daddy and I cried over you again, it's almost become a weekly ritual. We both explained how we feel we don't want to let go of the hurt because that would be like letting you go. That's probably wrong thinking, but we're content in our ignorance for now. It's so fun to reminisce with daddy about all the little things we love about you and the cute little things you used to do. I think that helps make you feel more real to us, so the memories don't fade as much.

Thinking of you always, my angel.

Love,

Mama