Sunday, May 29, 2011

Bit of random

My dear sweet Mikkie,

It takes me a while to write you most the time because I usually have too much to sort out in the short amount of free time that there seems to be.

I'm seeing more and more how true that "grief is linear". Whoever has the ridiculous expectations and/or assumptions that people should "get over" the loss of their child, or anyone for that matter, in a certain amount of time is a fool and obviously has not experienced it for themselves.

Tonight was the first in a while that Faith came up to me crying, saying she misses you. Like my heart wasn't breaking enough already, that just about split it in half. What a sweet, tender little girl. I couldn't believe the tears in her eyes; I wanted so bad to be able to tell her "don't worry, Mikkie's coming back!" I wanted so bad to be able to tell myself that.
She now connects rainbows with you, she gets so excited when she sees one. Whenever it rains she's looking for one, like today, except we didn't get one and she seemed very concerned about it. I told her maybe we'd get one tomorrow, and if so it would be especially for her.

After talking to a few people, I realized that I would be more likely to feel you near when I'm serving and helping someone. That's when I remembered the goals I made. I have slacked this past month, and didn't even report for last months, I've let myself grow lax and idle but I am going to renew my goals this coming month and am going to put forth more effort. It's not just that, there are many more things I'm determined to put forth more of an effort on including visiting teaching, personal scripture study and more meaningful prayers. If I want to grow and understand more, I can't just try getting by with mediocre performance and expect superior results. If I am expecting great things to happen, I've got expect that God is expecting me to do my best. I know my best and I've not really been showing it but am resilient enough to try again and show God my best.

I know you helped inspire me with these thoughts, Mikkie and want you to be proud of your mommy. :)

I love you so much Mikkie. I've been hurting so much lately and will probably hurt some more tomorrow, that's just a part of life now.
I feel stuck in my thoughts, so I will stop now and hopefully it will clear up soon so I can resume my random thought process.