Third Birthday

My sweet Mikayla,

I don't know why I've taken so long to write about this. Almost as hard as planning your birthday. I've never had such trouble planning a party before but this time it was like one mental block after another, the only thing I could think of was the theme being Stars, going along with "I am like a Star shining brightly". I was getting very discouraged because I wanted to make it a great party, where everyone would enjoy themselves while focusing on you, it just seemed overwhelming. I've never been able to live it down how I didn't throw you a big birthday on your first and only birthday here. I thought I would have another chance to do it the next year. I never should've waited.

So I kept thinking and thinking, and finally after talking with a few people they mentioned maybe you were trying to tell me something, to just keep it simple. How could I do that? I owe you a big party, but that's not what is important to you. I felt like that was the answer, so I just had family over for cake and ice cream where I had all your cousins help blow out your candles. It was sweet. I then shared what I believe your birthday wish would be:

There's a time for everything, a time to mourn which was more for August 14; and there's a time to celebrate which is what your birthday is about, celebrating your life and the time we had with you. I believe you wanted us to laugh and be happy. You were one of the most giggly, smiley, happy people I knew and if you were here you would have most definitely been laughing with that cute lil raspy voice of yours :).

We had your movie playing on the tv (compilation of all home videos, edited, with you in it) which was my favorite thing, I love watching that and am SO grateful we took all those videos of you! And the kids... and actually most adults were entertained with all the balloons floating around.

it was a simple, yet beautiful party. I believe you were there and could see you having the time of your life with all the balloons. Of course I cried throughout the day, it's only natural to miss your sweet presence on your special day, but even then I still felt peace and comfort the whole day. It was just a really nice day. I'm grateful for those who came to help celebrate you, you have so many people who love you!

Earlier that day, daddy. faith and I and some of my family visited your grave with beautiful flowers and 3 balloons that Faith picked out :) 3 because that's how old you would've been. I love my visits to your grave, and hope it is and continues to be a good memory for Faith. We talked about you together, which helps, I think she's still not sure how to express herself sometimes especially regarding you and what happened. Little things come out here and there and I take the opportunity to explain or just talk about things with her. She's an angel just as you are. Did I tell you that she made sure to tell me at least 5 times how much you love your cake? I made a purple glittery star cake and as I was frosting it she kept saying, "Oh, Mikkie really loves her cake, mom!" It made me feel good. I hope you enjoyed the whole day as I did.

Thank you for coming into our family and for filling our lives with so much joy, we had some great times! Thanks for continuing to be my angel, I love you so much!

Love,

Mama

Gratefuls Q-V

Sweet baby of mine,

Here I go on to the next bunch of gratefuls :)

Q- I'm grateful for Quiet moments. Life is always so full of noise and distractions, it's nice to have those quiet, peaceful moments where you can think and ponder,

R- I'm grateful for Raspberries. Raspberry anything I just love!

S- I'm grateful for Senses. All 5 of them. I'm so grateful to be able to see, hear, smell, taste and touch. I wouldn't want to be without any of them.

T- I'm grateful for Time. The time that we have is very short. It seems like time takes forever at the moment but in retrospect you realize it passed in the blink of an eye. Time is very precious.

U- I'm grateful for Unity that I feel in our marriage and our families. We're blessed to both have such great families and that we get along so well.

V- I'm grateful for Vacations. It's so nice to have occasional vacations to unwind and escape real life for a bit. I usually come back feeling refreshed and ready to take on life again, it's just nice to have those occasional breaks :)

Thanksgiving is in 2 days and I'm so looking forward to it! I love long weekends like this and that we will have more time with your daddy. I'm cooking the turkey, wish me luck, I hope I don't totally ruin our meal! :)

I love and miss you, Mikkie! You will most definitely be in our thoughts as we go through yet another holiday without you.

Til next time...

Love,

Mama

Gratefuls M-P

Dear Mikkie,

I've been meaning to get around to writing about your birthday, which was almost a week ago already, just hasn't happened yet. My next letter will be it though, I have some things to talk to you about.

Continuing on with gratefuls:

M- I'm grateful for (Faith blurted out Mikkie :) that's a given though and goes with Family :) I'm grateful for Modern technology. They have come a long way with things and it's amazing some of the things they can do nowadays to help people.

N- I'm grateful for Nail polish. I hardly ever am without painted nails, at least toes. If we're gonna have weird looking things like feet, I'm glad we have some polish to pretty them up! Too bad for guys :)

O- I'm grateful for Open spaces. The city is fun to visit and all and has most the shopping, but there's something about wide open spaces that makes me feel peaceful. That's one reason that I love about where we live, a little bit of Urban, but a whole lot more Rural areas. Just gorgeous and peaceful!

P- I'm grateful for Police. Even though I don't like them when they give me tickets :) A majority of them are decent, courageous men/women striving to keep peace and safety. It would be hard to do what they do, but somebody's gotta do it, so I'm glad they are willing.

Until next time, sweet girl.....

Love,

Mama

Gratitude days I-L

Sweet Mikkie,

I knew I wasn't going to be able to do this every day, it's more practical to do a few days at once.

So here's my days I, J, K,L.

I- I'm grateful for Ice Cream. I don't know if I inherited it from my dad or what, but I LOVE ice cream! In particular, Rocky Road, Cookies & Cream, Peppermint, Double Fudge Brownie, and Triple Raspberry Temptation (which sadly is no longer available- BOO!)

J- I'm grateful for Journals. I love being able to look back and read how I was feeling at certain times, or things that I learned, etc. I'm especially grateful for the separate journal I kept of you, Mikkie, with all the details recorded and things that I probably wouldn't remember if it wasn't written down. Journals, along with pictures and videos, are priceless.

K- I'm grateful for Knowledge. Our brains are amazing and capable of so much. I'm grateful for all the useful knowledge I've acquired over the years and for the most part, my brain can recollect it at a moment's notice... sometimes it takes over night to remember something, but your brain is always working on solving it. Amazing. :)

L- I'm grateful for Love. This world would be a scary place without love. Love for everyone, not just ourselves and our loved ones, but all our fellow brothers and sisters all over the world. Love makes the world go round, right? :)

I'm really loving doing this, keeps me focused on positive things.

I love you Mikkie!

Love,

Mama

Support

Sweet Mikayla,

I've been noticing more and more over the years, especially this past year how important it is to support people. It makes me feel important and like people care when they are there to support. Some of the greatest examples to me from my very first day here has been my parents. I can't think of one recital, concert, game, birthday, or other special occasions that they've missed. They've been a constant support to me and my whole family, all 6 of us kids, and continue to do so. As I get older, I look back and realize even more the examples they've set and the lessons I've learned from them. Maybe that's one of the reasons our family is so close because we've been shown at a young age to be there for each other. I remember all the things I've gone to see my siblings in at school or church or elsewhere. I definitely think there's a feeling of importance being felt. I know I do.

I'm so grateful for people who have and continue to support me and my family, through my whole life but especially throughout this last year. As I think back to last August and yes, of course I remember that excruciating pain but I also remember how much in awe I was at the compassion and support of people. So many people! Your daddy and I commented several times that we just couldn't believe the generosity and sympathy from people. We were and still are greatly touched by the bounteous support. I knew a majority of that would fade away as time went on, life continues on and everyone has schedules and a life to attend to. But I'm still being touched by spontaneous reaching-out and comfort people are still giving. I know that there are some great and very valuable lessons to be learned from all this grief, even some that cannot be learned any other way, but one of the lessons that I've been most impacted by is Support. Those who have been there for us especially on the hardest of days has meant more to me than anything else one could say or do, just showing up and being there, not having to say or do anything, means a lot. I realize there are situations which can't allow some to be here physically, and their thoughts are greatly appreciated. I've noticed a few times, not just at my events but others, when people show up briefly then need to leave. The fact that they took the time to show up and show their support touched me.

With all these great examples, so many just within our family, it's inspiring me to be a better support. I admit I haven't been the best I could be, I could make a bigger effort to be there more for others. So here's a renewed commitment to being a better support to others. I hate to cancel on people, it's not what I like to do, I like to keep commitments, but if it's between a 'better' and 'best' situation, I would choose the most important one. So many things to do, so many choices to make, but I pray I may be blessed to make the most important ones.

One of the most important decisions I made is to marry your daddy in the Temple for time and all eternity and to have Faith, you and your little brother. And I will never forget those who showed their love and support during those times and even now as we go through just as important, not as happy, but still important times.

I'm nervously looking forward to your birthday. Your birth is more of a celebration than your death...at least on this side of the veil, it's most likely swapped over there. But still I yearn for your presence and to get a "Mikkie hug" that I love and miss so much. I ache to see your sweet face in your highchair as you eat your cake and have fun, but I will just have to do the best I can without your sweet little body. At least part of you will be here right? I'm counting on you being present at your own birthday, in spirit.

I love you my Mikayla!

Love,

Mama

Thanks

Sweet Mikkie,

In Relief Society on Sunday, our lesson was on trials and adversities and how everyone is going through something hard and how even in times of trial, if we focus on our blessings and things we're grateful for, we will feel happier. The first thing she said reminded me of a quote I saw and think of often:

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Isn't that the truth! As I think of that, it helps me to not judge and realize that there's reasons for everything that people say and do (or don't say and don't do). We just never know what's going on in people's life. Outwardly they may put on a good show, but inwardly they're suffering greatly. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. If we all would give each other the benefit of the doubt as much as we dish out blame and judgement, our world would be a much better place.

The part about focusing on our blessings and things we're grateful for stood out to me also. Later that night my brother told me about a thing some people are doing for Thanksgiving. For each day, for 27 days, share something you're grateful for from A-Z. I'm a little behind on starting, but I want to do this as I know I feel a greater happiness when I'm focusing on the good and positive instead of the negative and bad. There are plenty of bad and sad things happening in the world and can easily bring us down if we let them. So, today would be letter H, but i'll start from the beginning.

A- I'm grateful for Agency. The fact that God gave us our free agency shows that He is a loving God. I hate being forced to do things, as I'm sure most people do. I know that means that we suffer consequences if we use that agency to choose wrong, but He probably knew that that's how we would learn best rather than by oppression.

B- I'm grateful for the Book of Mormon. Another testament of Jesus Christ. We are blessed to have these recordings in addition to the Bible, as it testifies of the Bible and has even more truths included. You cannot believe in the Bible and doubt the Book of Mormon, for they testify of each other. There's an unexplainable peace when I read the words from it and am grateful for the sweet witness I receive as I read.

C- I'm grateful for Chocolate. Who says your blessings all have to be serious? :) And I am serious about this, I am indeed grateful for chocolate, it's one of my guilty pleasures and it is more proof that God loves us. ;) It's just nice to be able to eat something so creamy and smooth...sometimes with a few chunky almonds, and taste the happiness long after you eat it. I mourn for your daddy who has developed a milk allergy, he might as well be allergic to happiness. ;) I'm kidding, but you get how much I love chocolate.

D- I'm grateful for Driving. Cars, that is. What an amazing invention. One thing is for sure, I would have made a horrible pioneer. It's amazing to me that we can get from point A to point B in half, probably more, the time than it does to walk. All with the comfort of heat and air and music! I feel blessed to have a working car to drive.

E- I'm grateful for Eating. Yes, I love to eat if I didn't make that clear with letter C. I'm grateful that I'm able to have food to eat. Not often enough do I think of all those without food and deal with hunger pangs on a daily basis. What an awful thing. I feel extremely blessed for the abundance of food we have in our fridge and pantry on a daily basis, we have never gone without. I laugh at myself in disgust as I remember times when I have complained that there's nothing to eat as I'm looking into a pantry full of food. Even if it is just rice and beans or top ramen, there are plenty of people would view that as a feast.

F- I'm grateful for Family. This letter happened to fall on Sunday, when we had that lesson in Relief Society and my family got together for an FHE. We all shared things we are grateful for and the theme seemed to be family. I felt the spirit strong all day and didn't get a chance to share my testimony at church, so my family had to once again endure my sobbing. I'm EXTREMELY grateful for my family. Good friends too, yes, but family is always there. At least mine is. I love how tight-knit we are and how close we've grown up together. I love that we can all get together and share our testimonies with each other and express our feelings without any judgement. Instead, we are there crying, laughing, talking and listening with each other. More than family, I'm grateful for Forever Families. It's always been important to me, but even more so now as we think of being together again with you, Mikkie. Nothing brings me greater joy than knowing someday we will all be together again, All of us, all my family including in-laws and friends I consider family that I love so dearly.

G- I'm grateful for Good entertainment. There's a reason why I say this instead of just entertainment. There's a lot of junk and time-wasting, iq-lowering, scum-filled (you get it) filthy entertainment out there. So I'm grateful for Good entertainment, and for the people who produce it and make it available. I love a good laugh and to hear a good joke, but not at the expense of virtue or good principles. It's hard to find a good, clean comedian nowadays that's why I love Brian Regan! I'm grateful for what he does and continues to provide good, family-friendly funnies. I love to watch movies also, so I'm grateful for the clean, good movies available that don't offend the Spirit as I watch.

H- this is today's. I'm grateful for Health, good health that is. As I sit here not feeling quite up to par today, and anytime I get sick I am grateful even more for good health. I'm grateful that we're alive and well and that, despite little things here and there, overall we enjoy good health and our bodies function properly. I know of people who have been suffering with illnesses for a long time, even most of their life and have left this world because of it. I'm so grateful for a healthy, working body! The body is an amazing thing and I enjoy being able to use it.

That has me caught up, now I will resume tomorrow with letter I. This is great, I feel better already just by doing those 8 letters of gratitude. I encourage everyone else to do the same whether it's writing it down or doing it mentally.

I'm so grateful for you, my sweet little girl. Your birthday is upon us in 2 days already, and there has been some greatly mixed emotions going on. I'll explain more later. I love you, Faith and daddy more than life itself. Thanks for giving me the honor of being your mother. I'm extremely and utterly blessed.

Love,

Mama