Monday, September 10, 2012

Talk about you

Dear Mikkie,

I've been thinking a lot about your Angelversary, I can't believe a month has already passed since. So much has happened since. Sad that the only way to get me to slow down is to get sick.

I mentioned how I didn't feel your spirit as much as I was hoping for, and it's been on my mind since. I think a huge reason is because I didn't feel I really got to focus on and talk about you very much at all, but instead had others talk about their little ones and bring the attention away from you. I realize that not every moment needs to be focused on talking about you, but when it's a day as hard as this and the fact that it is Your Day of Remembrance, I obviously want to talk about and remember YOU, and things you did, not other kids. Is that selfish? I don't think so, but if so I'm ok with that.

I think I spent most of the remainder of that night feeling hurt so it probably impeded my ability to feel you near. Who knows. All I know is I miss talking about you. I miss hearing your name. I was given a sweet gift, a small "brag book" with quite a few pictures of you to keep in my purse and show it to others, making it a bit easier to share memories about you with a visual. It will be fun to show specific pictures of you as I tell everyone about my angel.

Life sure is interesting, never a dull moment. Last night Spencer was eating watermelon and started choking, daddy and I raced over and I shoved my hand down his throat but it didn't help so I started really freaking out as your daddy laid him on his tummy and did the heimlich. Oh Mikkie, those same feelings and emotions all flooded back to me as I stood there feeling helpless all over again. When he finally coughed it up, I was shaking and bawling. It's so hard to even talk about it now. I can still see his face trying to gasp for air, I can't deal with that. I'm thinking, 'no more, God, please no more!' I've had enough "excitement" to last me a lifetime.. And then some.

Have I mentioned before how very fragile life is?!? I'm beyond extremely grateful that my little Spencer is ok. I can't even think about what Could've happened, not because I'm naive enough to think that it can't happen but because that is a dangerous road for me to dwell on. So I graciously count my blessings and hug and squeeze this precious baby even closer.

I love you so very much, sweet girl. I think of you always.

Love me,