Thursday, August 15, 2013

3 Year Angelversary

Sweet Angel of mine,

Three years, can you believe it? Like I've told people already, it doesn't get any easier.

Towards the end of July, things get a little harder and the anxiety and emotions build up in me. It's not that I don't feel peace and comfort, I do, my emotions happen anyways and the tears flow freely without warning.

I try to keep myself busy, my mind occupied. I've noticed though on your Angelversary, I need to take it slow and not have so much to do. That's what half the day was like, but as I was rushing to get things ready and get dinner before the Memorial at your resting place, I felt anxious and irritated. Irritated with myself that I didn't start earlier so I could take my time and relax. As soon as I got to the cemetery though I allowed myself to breathe for a few minutes before people showed up. Taking time to just 'be still' is important. Clearing your mind of any negativity, rear your focus back to the present and what's important.

Daddy stayed home for the first half of the day, which was nice. Faith came up to me with a sad face and asked to watch Mikkie's movies. :) First we watched the slideshow with your song, having a most tender moment as Faith and I hugged each other and shed many tears. She loves watching your home videos, so many precious and fun memories.

It was crazy how the tears just kept coming that whole morning and the night prior. By mid afternoon I was so emotionally exhausted. I thought for sure I was out of tears, then someone would call and send a message and drop by to give us something, and the tears flooded back up.

I wasn't sure what to feel or expect about the whole day and the memorial at the cemetery. But after I had gotten there and took a few minutes to compose myself, I realized that it's not a bad thing to smile and be happy. I don't have to be crying every minute of the day and at every sweet, tender thing I hear or see.... if it brings tears to my eyes, then I let myself cry freely; if tears don't come but I feel this immense gratitude and joy, then I let myself soak it in and let myself be happy. You want us to be happy.

I felt like the whole night was just sweet and tender, full of tears, memories, laughs, smiles, heart-warming thoughts and incredible supportive family and friends (with us in person and spirit).
There was no doubt that you were there with us, sweet girl. Listening to people talk about their memories and things they've learned from you greatly touched me. Their tears brought tears of my own. It warms my heart to see people remembering you and that they have such fond memories of you. You are indeed a very special girl. It was especially sweet to see the little ones playing around and the babies gathering around your headstone, and hearing some of their memories of you... that's so precious to me to see your cousins remember you. It was great weather, and the sun was just shining a brilliant red-orange color, it was amazing. I wish my camera could've captured its full brilliance. Bright and vibrant, just like my little Mikkie :) That's what you were and are in my life, and always will be.

As I drove home after, I felt an inexplicable feeling of a sweet presence near, and a huge feeling of peace and happiness washed over me. My heart was full of gratitude. Oh Mikkie, I couldn't see you but I sure felt you, and I loved the conversation I had with you. :)

I love you always and forever,