Sunday, October 31, 2010

Roller Coaster

My dear Mikkie,

What a life! no words to describe it except WOW. I'm sure many other people would say the same. Things hittin ya from all directions, happy and sad, good and you an emotional roller coaster.

When you left I told myself and others that I would not have any more kids "why should I have more kids if God's just going to take them away?" were my exact thoughts. When I was able to snap out of my first wave of depression, your daddy and I knew that our family just felt incomplete and empty (it even did when you were still here.....but even more so now that you're gone.) Well, here I am 2 1/2 months along in my pregnancy with a sibling I'm sure you picked out yourself. It is a sweet miracle.....honestly not the miracle I was looking for at the time, but I'm happy, God knew He needed to send me another child soon...not that it will in any way take your fact that's one of the things I'm afraid of. I have so many mixed emotions...people ask me if I'm excited and I feel bad thinking "no, not really....not like I was with you and Faith." I feel guilty for feeling that way then I think of things like "what if I don't love it as much as you and Faith", "what if I love it more than you", "what if i always compare it to you", and all sorts of other questions that I'm sure others would think is just absurd, but deep down inside it's how I honestly feel. I'm sure things will change once the baby is born, at least I hope it does, because this is just added guilt on top of the guilt I already have. I also have mixed emotions on whether I want a boy or girl (not like it matters what I will be whatever it will be) I think to myself...if it's a girl I think it will feel more like it's replacing you, but then again I love my little girls! If it's a boy it would feel less like it's replacing you but....I don't know how to raise a boy...kind of a scary thought :) i'm so used to girls. I know that whatever it is, it will be for the best. God knows what we need.

Another wave on the roller coaster was added when we found out my Aunt died a couple days ago...very sudden, out of nowhere....just like you. What is going on up there? :) It's just crazy how you can be talking with someone one day and the next they're gone. It all happens all too fast. Life happens way too fast....which under recent circumstances, I'm grateful for, I just need to make sure to use my time more wisely. We're going to the funeral tomorrow. I'm not sure how I'm going to react, hopefully better than how I was last night.
Last night I hysterically cried myself asleep; tonight I laughed myself silly til my stomach hurt. Your dad thinks I'm delirious. Is it possible I'm going insane? I was doing fine til your daddy took Faith out trick-or-treating last night, and for some reason that made the volcano of tears erupt. Maybe I've been holding it in the past little while, it's been a few weeks since I last cried....and boy did I ever cry last night. Thoughts of last year came to me when they went out, you were home with me to keep me company...this year I was all alone. I've been alone several times before, I don't know why this time was any different. I'm surprised the baby is surviving all this stress and trauma...that to me is a miracle.

So, like I say, life is interesting, always keeps us going. Despite all my mixed emotions, I sure am looking forward to meeting your other sibling. Any hint to what the gender may be? ;) We'll be finding out soon anyways. To think that they are with you right now and will come straight to us right after just gives me chills. When I look at your little cousin Kelsey, who was born just 2 days after you left, I think "this baby was just with my baby girl!" How amazing. How lucky these people are to be with you that are up there now. I envy them. I can't wait to see your precious little face again. Until then....would you please let me feel you near? It sure would help ease my pain, to feel your precious spirit with me.

Now I feel like I'm just rambling. I love you so much Mikkie. I'm sorry I struggle so much, I'm trying, trust me, I am.

Love always,



Love...Laughter...Life said...

Congratulations! I think all your mix feelings are warranted! I think it is natural. As I read this letter...I kept saying to myself that is exactly how I would feel. I think you are an amazing WOMEN. The Lords knows you and your family. I think you are a GREAT example and I love both your blogs. I look forward to your entires. It strengths my testimony every time I read your thoughts. Never do I feel that you are rambling. I wish I knew you personally. I truly pray for you and your family and the miracle that is coming your way!

Jenny said... are amazing!!! I agree with the comment above whole heartedly. I know you personally and I consider it a great honor to be considered part of your life and part of your family! I am so excited for you and your new, sweet blessing at this time! We are all human and often have crazy thoughts and emotions as we experience this life and all it brings our way. Hang in there Laura! Love you!!

Argyle's said...

Congratulations on your pregnancy! This is such a special time. I also agree with the 2 posts above, I think your feelings are completely normal. I can imagine I would have the exact feelings going through me. What an amazing feeling to think that little one is spending time with your Mikkie. I truly believe that.
I am sorry to hear about your Aunt. So many hard things to have to go through! I too wish I knew you personally, but I love reading your blog and it truly has strengthened me. You are so strong and your honesty and testimony are so appreciated. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers daily!

Traci said...

I'm just saying more of the same, but don't feel guilty about your feelings. :) Easier said than done. You're amazing. You're an incredible mother and sister-in-law and friend! You will be a wonderful mother to this new baby, whichever gender, and I believe you will LOVE him or her, not more or less than Mikkie, just differently. I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt, Laura, as well. Love you lots, Traci