Sunday, March 20, 2011

One step forward, two steps back

My sweet Mikkie,

There are a whole lot of things on my mind, a whole lot of emotions in my heart. I can see more and more every day that grief is not linear. I cannot expect myself to get better and better each week. It's more like one step forward two steps back.

I came home from church today not feeling particularly happy. Faith and I were sitting there eating our lunch and she looked at me and said, "I love you mommy." I perked up a little at that and then she said with a sad face, "I miss Mikkie." She is a very intuitive girl, she knows what I'm feeling, she knows what's going on. Even though that's not the only source of my pain, she can sense it. With a sweet hug from her and her hand on my face telling me she loves me, for a split second it seemed all was right with the world. I want to just hug and hold her all day, because I love her so much and because I feel I'm hugging you as well. I miss holding my baby girl in my arms when you would sit in my lap and cuddle.

I feel much pain most the time when I'm around others who remind me of you. Anyone who is around your age, who looks like you, does similar things as you, etc. I may seem fine on the outside, but inside I'm screaming WHY! Why can they be happy with their babies and not ME! What did I do wrong! The answer of course is nothing, at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself. I still bounce back and forth every week with feelings of guilt, shame, anger, depression, confusion, surreal, apathy, pain and so much more that I can't even describe.

I'm sure people get tired of hearing that I'm having a hard day again, but, well, it's reality and I need them to have a lot of patience with me. I feel more times than not that I have to put up a happy front for everyone so I don't put a damper on things. Sometimes I feel it's as if they have forgotten the reason why I feel this way and they expect me to be 'better' by now. It's not like I'm depressed all the time, but there are times where I just don't feel like being cheered up, you know? And hearing the question "What's wrong?" almost infuriates me. Faith was a prime example today of how to deal with hear that she loves me, she misses you, Mikkie (validating how I feel) and a big hug. oooh Mikkie, this is definitely THE toughest thing I've ever experienced and I wish I could help people see and truly understand, but the only way for that to happen is for them to experience it themselves. I would never wish that on anyone.

I put up a "shrine" of sorts on our wall a while ago and I look at it everyday. It's different just looking at it and touching it. Today I sat by it, took one of your sandals, gently held it in my hands, and immediately started to ache and sob. I still can't bring myself to look at pictures of your small, lifeless body or think of anything that's remotely close to that day. I feel sick to my stomach and start to feel helpless and guilty all over again. It's better to just repress some of those details until I'm ready to face them again.

I hope I don't make you too sad when I feel this way. I really can't help it. I think you would have more understanding about how I feel than I do. I love you so much, my little twinkle star. I like what it said in this book I read today, "He does not take the pain away- to do that He would have had to take the love away I had for you, and that wasn't possible. Instead He wraps His arms around me and stays with me while I grieve for my baby." I would much rather deal with this pain than having it taken away along with my love for you. That would be unbearable.

Love always,



Tnish said...

Reading your letters to your beautiful daughter are very heart warming to me. I do not begin to understand the pain and sadness you bear everyday. I do not see myself being any different than you if I were in your shoes. I actually think I would be a lot worse. Please know that you have every right to feel the way you want when you want to. I will learn from your letters so that if I have a friend or family member in your shoes I can learn how to help them best and be there for them. THANK YOU

The Jessee Journal said...

At the very least I hope you know that your FAMILY (the people that matter the most anyway right? :) never have those thoughts about you. I know I can't speak for everyone but I'm SURE I can speak for every mom in the family when I say they think about you or Mikkie How can you not? Every time one of my children cry I am able to respond with more patience and compassion and LOVE because I remember Mikkie. Because I see more clearly now how fragile life is.
So for those who might wonder at your grief ... well I wouldn't give them a second thought. Because someday in their life they WILL get it. They will have a major life trial that will shape them and try them and they will understand, perhaps not your specific pain, but they will understand what it means to go through a refiners fire and their perspective will change.

Traci said...

I agree with what was said above, Laura. That was so beautifully put. I DO think of you and Mikkie literally every day, and I still am brought to tears at least once a week because I am aching for you, Tim, and Faith. And while I don't know anything, I think it's okay to have those feelings of anger still. I think it's part of the grieving process. I felt that way for a while after my miscarriages, angry every time I saw a baby. I know it's not the same as what you're going through, but I can understand to a degree what you're feeling and why. No one should have to go through what you and Tim and Faith are dealing with. I pray for peace every day, and any time you want to yell or cry or rant with someone, you've got my number. Lots of love to you all. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

Terri said...

Ditto what your mom says, Laura! I think you'd probably be surprised how many times we think of Mikkie, think of you, think of Tim, think of Faith, and everyone else who has been affected by this loss. :o)It's LOTS! And although you, of course, have more intense grief because you are her mommy and everything everyday reminds you of that loss, know that your family loves you and will always understand! If someone asks, "What's wrong?" try not to be angry. Just reply, "Something today reminded me of sweet Mikkie..." Open up, and you'll find others will lighten your load. There's "no time table" for the time you will grieve, and I'm sure nobody is thinking you should be over it by now. If they are, they're not worth your time or worry. When you "seem" happy on the outside, nobody wants to stir up sadness. It's not that we don't "care!" You have so many people who care for you and your sweet family! :o)

Pookie said...