Sustained

Dear Mikkie,

In church on Sunday, we had a great lesson. The teacher asked a question open for comments, asking what's something you've gone through where you've felt sustained?

A few times came immediately to mind, but I wanted a chance to hear how other's have felt sustained through tough times. I didn't get a chance to share my thoughts, but as I sat there thinking I realized how blessed I am. God has not given up on me or forsaken me once, not once. There have been many, many times since you died that I felt like giving up and didn't want to go on anymore living with this pain and grief the rest of my life. As I look back, I know why I am still here today and how I made it through those times (and still do). God has sustained me through my difficult times, lifting me up, strengthening me, comforting me when I feel little to no desire to move forward. He was there, continues to be there for me, sustaining me through my trials and times when I want to give up.

After the comments were done, the teacher left us with a poem. It brought tears to my eyes as I can testify how true it is. The poem reads:

It Takes Just a Moment

It takes just a moment, for your world as you know it to be shattered by one simple word

the doctors words cut right to the core of our souls

It's cancer was all that was heard

It takes just a moment, to re-evaluate your priorities in life

life and death are out of our hands

it's fragile at its best so live each day to its fullest.

It takes just a moment, to put family and faith at the top of your list

to ask for forgiveness of those you have hurt,

to hug and kiss all the loved ones you hold so dear to your heart

to say I Love You just because you're you.

It takes just a moment, to share a kind work with a stranger

to smile at the person next to you on the elevator or standing in line

to hold open a door for the one walking behind you.

It takes just a moment, to share an act of kindness before it's too late.

It takes just a moment, to get down on your knees

to pray to your Savior for forgiveness and love

It takes just a moment, so make every moment count as one day there will be no more.

As you can imagine, it hit real close to home with me, though the beginning for me would have been a little different.... my world shattered when I heard those 4 words, "She didn't make it."

Before, that would have been just another touching poem, but now it is reality, not just a story and I feel so strongly about it all. I wish the whole world would listen if I shouted out "Don't take life for granted! Live every day as if it were your last! (or any of your loved ones). You never know when time is up."

Anyways, I'm blessed so much. So blessed to have a God who loves me so much and strengthens me when I'm weak, lifts me when I'm down and sustains me when I feel there is no way I can possibly go on.

I'm blessed to have 2 sweet angel girls and a baby boy on the way! I would do anything in the whole world for my children. I treasure you more than any earthly treasure. I love you so much.

Love,

Mama

Mikkie talk

My dear Mikkie,

Lots of things going through my mind again. Many things to think about and ponder.

We went to your grave the other day. I go every week and look forward to that time to clean up your grave and spend time there. I like to have Faith come with me. I talk with her about you and told her what a great sister she was to you. The rest went like this:

"Yea. And we have a new baby brother!"

"Yup, and he's up there right now with Mikkie in heaven."

"They are? Is he going to fly in a helicopter?"

"NO! Definitely not. He's going to grow up to be a big boy! He's just visiting with Mikkie in Heaven before he comes here, having fun with her."

"Yea! Like growing crab apples and flowers!"

"........um, ya....huh? Sure yea, they're growing crab apples, why not!"

It was the sweetest conversation. That is one of the things I love about Faith. When the mood is sad or bleak, she, like you, can always make me smile and laugh. Always at the right time. I'm grateful for that.

It makes me happy to hear things about you. For example your sweet little cousin who came here shortly after you left, the other day pointed to a picture of Jesus while saying his name, and right after went over to your picture and pointed at you. Her mom told me she did this twice that day. It sent chills over me that she made the correlation between you two. It's amazing how in tune little kids are! It was another comforting assurance to me that you are indeed safe with Jesus and that life after death is real. I wish I could read her little mind to know other things she has to say about you. I'm looking forward even more to seeing your little brother! I just know it's going to be a sweet experience. Faith's and yours were too, but this one I think will be extra special. I secretly hope that he will be born able to talk to tell me all about things. :) Wouldn't that be nice.

I hope you are having fun growing your crab apples and flowers. :) I love you very much!

Love,

Mama

Drowning

Drowning. What a terrible word. It's such a hard word for us to hear now, but it's constantly on my mind, like a recurring nightmare or an unwelcome guest.

Drowning. It's how I feel. Inundated with emotional trauma, sometimes gasping for peace, for solace, overwhelmed. I've come to experience mental illness in a very real, very personal and physical way. For the first 6 months of your passing I felt I did so great, but then, seemlingly out of nowhere, came the PTSD, the anxiety, the insomnia, and the crowning jewel of them all, depression. It's interesting how big of a difference it makes when your brain is not quite all right. The world turned grey. Things that once filled me with laughter, color, excitement, ambition, joy, happiness, peace, rendered effectless. It's hard to focus, and sometimes even harder to find energy to make myself focus. I feel like such a different person than I used to be.

Fortunately, I have my family, your mother, your sister, your future baby brother, my parents, and the rest of my loved ones, and that is the core thing that gives me meaning and purpose. And, of course, returning to be with you again. Without that, I'm not really sure what I would do. A while ago in Sunday school we were asked to think of Heaven, what it would be like. I immediately thought of being with you, and my whole family again. If that didn't happen in heaven, then I would say, without the slightest hesitation, to sign me up for whatever program that did include us being together forever. The teacher then explained that we could create that heaven on earth and have it now. Oh how I wish! It seems that a big piece of my heaven has to wait.

I've written some songs for you since you passed. They'll never be radio hits, they're full of emotions that will make most people probably feel uncomfortable, but they are from my heart. I was working on becomming a better singer so I could record them, but became so much involved in other important priorities in my life that I had to put singing on the shelf for a bit. I'll continue again and I will record them. When I play them on the piano it makes your mom cry. Here are the words to the one I sang by your grave last month:

I close my eyes, I think that I can see your face
And feel your embrace, leave a warm impression on my soul
I open my eyes, I see photos and marks on the wall
They remind me that you were real after all

I gasp, because the air is thick
I can't breath anymore, I'm feeling scared
Come quick, because I'm feeling sick
I don't know how much longer I will last

How can I consolidate all of my regret?
In a single breath: Every day I didn't bless!
Time goes fast, and yet now it seems to stand so still
Leaving me here, halfway between well and ill.

I gasp, because the air is thick
I can't breath anymore, I'm feeling scared
Come quick, because I'm feeling sick
I don't know how much longer I will last

I hope an angel came to your side!
I pray that you had a warm guide!
I feel like part of me has died, inside.

After I wrote this, I had these words come to my mind, and I'm pretty certain that they came from you, so this is how the song ends:

I'll pray I can always be by your side
I'll always be your warm guide
I hope that you have joy and peace, inside

I love you Mikayla and I miss you sorely. Heartache is real physical pain, and sometimes it just hits me so hard, how awful it is to be here in life without you, to have lost you for a time. My muscles give way and I collapse into a ball, crying uncontrollably, sobbing like a man who has lost what is most dear to him. Because I absolutely have. I know I will be able to be with you again, but it just seems SO FAR AWAY. This isn't to take away from how grateful I feel that I have your mom and sister with me. If anything, my pain of missing you has enabled me to feel more love and more gratitude for every day I have with them. I feel more in love with your mom right now than ever before, she is an amazing person (I know you know it, but it is worthy of repeating for repeatings sake). And you're an amazing person. I love you Mikayla, I miss you, I sometimes think I can feel your hugs, and I really appreciate them. Keep them coming, please, until the day I will be able to hold you in my arms once again and once again get the full thing.

Love,

Dad.

Talking about you

Sweet Mikkie,

Something else has been on my mind, shocker huh! Well After being around many people and taking more notice, I have to tell you. It's not right that I should feel nervous or awkward when bringing you up or saying your name. Everyone likes to talk about their children. Just because you died doesn't mean that I don't still love to talk about you, it makes me happy. I think often people don't say anything just to spare my feelings, but what they don't know is that that makes me feel worse.

"Family means nobody gets left behind OR forgotten." That's become one of my favorite quotes since you died. It's from a cartoon, Lilo & Stitch. Who knew cartoons could be so enlightening. By people not talking about you or afraid to even mention your name, it makes me feel less like you even exist and more like everyone has forgotten you. It really hurts. I know it's normal and natural for others to go on like we can't, but just knowing that people remember you and to hear your name gives me warm fuzzies inside. I want to be able to mention you without the awkward silences and glances. I want others to feel comfortable talking about you too. Maybe some people are afraid I'll cry and feel uncomfortable with my sorrow, so they leave it be. Sure, I may get tears in my eyes every now and then, but I'm not going to bawl in front of just anyone... my grief is special to me in a way, something that no one understands and is very fragile. I think the only thing I would have a problem with talking about is the day you died and the details. It's like pouring lemon juice over a cut and feeling the intense pain and guilt all over again. It's understandable for people to feel uncomfortable talking about that part. What I want to talk about is you when you were alive! You left us with so many good memories and lessons to learn. You made me laugh and smile so much, and continue to do so as I recall those cherished moments.

I'm not going to let people forget! Whether they are uncomfortable or not, I will and am going to talk about you and say your name as if you were still here. Because you still are here, we just can't see you and I want you to see how proud I am still to this day to talk about my sweet baby girl, and how much joy and honor it brings me to be your mother. I'm incredibly blessed.

I love you and always remembering you!

Love me,

Mama

Difficult

Dearest Mikalya,

Right now I feel angry, frustrated, hurt, sad and just exhausted. I've had all these emotions flood me today and it's been difficult. Everyone has down days, it's ok to have them... I don't think it's normal if you don't. I think it's silly how we feel like we have to put on an act for everyone pretending like everything's ok all the time.

I think what's started this, which has been building up for a few weeks now, is some things that people say. Not comments directed at or for me, but it still hurts. It's how they say that if you pray hard enough things will work out. Really? Because I'm pretty sure if I prayed any harder, I would've died from exhaustion and a broken heart. How much and how hard you pray does not alter the way things end up. You can pray your guts out like I did, and things just happen the way the Lord wants, not how you want. Some get lucky and things work out for them. Life is just unfair like that sometimes, or fair, whatever side you're looking at it from.

That's the other thing that hit me again today, which hasn't for a while. There have been some people having to run their children to the hospital because they stop breathing or have had close calls and their agony ends with relief. Today I just felt bitter all over again after hearing this and like I felt right after you died, I was bitter! Why should they live and not my Mikkie. Not that I want anyone else to die, but I want you to live too. I surprised myself because I haven't felt like this for a while, goes to show that things definitely do not magically get better after the one year mark. That quote still stands true, "Grief is linear."

I probably sound like a whiner, but hey I'm just allowing myself to feel the way I feel. This is how it is now, I'm being honest with myself and I just deal with it.

I miss you so incredibly much! I wish I could know how to deal with all this better, but I'm imperfect and am just trying to get through this life one day at a time.

I love you very, very much Mikkie.

Love,

Mama