Difficult

Dearest Mikalya,

Right now I feel angry, frustrated, hurt, sad and just exhausted. I've had all these emotions flood me today and it's been difficult. Everyone has down days, it's ok to have them... I don't think it's normal if you don't. I think it's silly how we feel like we have to put on an act for everyone pretending like everything's ok all the time.

I think what's started this, which has been building up for a few weeks now, is some things that people say. Not comments directed at or for me, but it still hurts. It's how they say that if you pray hard enough things will work out. Really? Because I'm pretty sure if I prayed any harder, I would've died from exhaustion and a broken heart. How much and how hard you pray does not alter the way things end up. You can pray your guts out like I did, and things just happen the way the Lord wants, not how you want. Some get lucky and things work out for them. Life is just unfair like that sometimes, or fair, whatever side you're looking at it from.

That's the other thing that hit me again today, which hasn't for a while. There have been some people having to run their children to the hospital because they stop breathing or have had close calls and their agony ends with relief. Today I just felt bitter all over again after hearing this and like I felt right after you died, I was bitter! Why should they live and not my Mikkie. Not that I want anyone else to die, but I want you to live too. I surprised myself because I haven't felt like this for a while, goes to show that things definitely do not magically get better after the one year mark. That quote still stands true, "Grief is linear."

I probably sound like a whiner, but hey I'm just allowing myself to feel the way I feel. This is how it is now, I'm being honest with myself and I just deal with it.

I miss you so incredibly much! I wish I could know how to deal with all this better, but I'm imperfect and am just trying to get through this life one day at a time.

I love you very, very much Mikkie.

Love,

Mama