Sunday, December 18, 2011

Bits and pieces

Dear sweet Mikkie,

The subject of death has been on my mind a lot lately.... a pretty common topic on mind since you died. Most recently though because of quite a few things going on like your grandparents surviving what could have been a fatal car crash, some friends rushed to hospital or sick with untreatable illness, Faith and I also a gnat's eyebrow from getting smashed into (twice), dad having breathing problems with asthma..... it's all been a little overwhelming. Yet a continuous reminder how Precious life is, how fragile and short it is! At times like this I tend to experience major anxiety and I freak myself out by imagining the worst possible case scenarios for everything. Usually I'd be able to talk myself out of it, but now when a worst case scenario has actually happened, I know that anything can happen. What does this all lead me to? Feeling what I hate most... utterly helpless. I have no control over life and I know it, so I fall to my knees in prayer and first vent out loud to God all my frustrations, while sobbing with desperation. Then I ask what to do, because I never know what to do, I'm always in need of His help. I sit there in silence until I can sob no longer and my tears dry up. I usually always end up feeling good after, as if God heard every word and understands my pain and was there to comfort me. I may not get answers right then but I always receive a feeling of peace and feel like I can take on life again. I'm so grateful for that. I think I would probably go insane if I didn't have God to turn to. He is always there to my rescue.

It's been interesting hearing Faith bring up your accident a lot more lately. Out of nowhere, when we're just sitting at home or driving she'll start talking about it. How she doesn't want to go by pools, or else she "will drown and die like Mikkie", and how Gramma Harper was holding her to keep her safe from the pool and she saw me and daddy crying by the blue pool. It's just interesting the way she describes things and I try to help her express herself and make her feel comfortable about sharing her feelings. It's a good thing that she's coming out with it, even though it's in bits and pieces and over a long period of time. She was playing 'House' the other day with a friend and told me she was the mommy and he was the daddy and their baby and kid died. I didn't quite know what to say. That's normal to her, to have a child die in the family... what a sad reality that is for a child to live with. I hope I'm dealing with all this in the right way. I want to encourage her to talk about things, but there's been a few times where I feel maybe I talk about it too much that she acts uninterested and talks about something else. She is such a sweetheart and it melts and breaks my heart every time she talks about you. She really loves and misses you so much, Mikkie. As do I.

Christmas is coming up and is never an easy time. Last year was downright awful and depressing, I'm surprised I even survived it. This year is better, but it's still hard to look up and see your stocking, knowing that it will not be used. Last week your grampa, gramma, faith and I went to your grave and had a good cry. I needed a good cry, I had been holding it in for a bit. We had gone to see The Forgotten Carols a few days before and it was great! I didn't at all expect though, for him to sing his song "We can be together forever someday" at the end. When I heard the first few notes, a feeling of dread came to me, I knew exactly what song it was and I was not prepared for it. After they had sung the chorus a few times, he asked each of us to think of someone who couldn't be there that night whether they were overseas in Afghanistan or elsewhere or on the other side of the veil... and asked us to think of them while singing it. I of course immediately thought of you and I tried so hard not to lose control right there. My lips were sore after from biting them so hard, it took every last bit of energy I had to not burst into hysterics. Oh man, just thinking about it brings back the feelings. So it was since that night that I had been holding in my feelings.

How do you like your decorated grave? My favorite is the mini tree with star lights, they are perfect! Every time we go to visit your grave, I always think how surreal it all feels. That's the best way I can describe it, it is all so surreal and doesn't feel real. At the same time, it does, my pain and aching heart remind me of that.

I sure love you my sweet girl! I can't believe Christmas is coming up this weekend... Faith is extremely excited. If it weren't for her, it would be difficult for me to find excitement. She brightens things up around here, I just love her so very much! What a blessing each of you are to me. Truly, there is nothing more I want than to be with my family for Christmas. Stuff and things have no comparison to it. I will obviously have to settle with you being there in spirit, but as long as you are... :) it will be a great Christmas. Oh, and P.S. PLEASE tell your brother to hurry up and get here!! We are extremely anxious to see him!! It would be the best Christmas gift ever :) So, before Christmas would be nice..... not like you are in control, but maybe pass this along.... just sayin' :)

With much love,