Sunday, January 15, 2012


My precious Mikkie,

I don't know why it's taken me so long to post this, I started writing it 2 weeks ago.

This Christmas was sure different and also better than last years. Christmas will always be bitter sweet, this one was especially. Welcoming your baby brother into our family on Christmas Eve was by far the best thing I could've asked for. I expected to be completely emotional in the hospital, but when he was born I felt no emotion, it was weird, probably because my emotions and hormones were overly exerted. I was relieved to have him here and have labor over with though. Every time I look into his sweet little eyes, I can't help but think of you. You were my last baby and all my memories come back as I remember doing the same things with you; changing your diaper, giving you your first bath, trying to soothe and calm you at night, being close as I fed you, rocking you in my arms, giving you countless kissies on the head.... as I do all this for little Spencer, I think of you, and I hold him a little closer, kiss him a little more, cuddle him a little more. You are not here to give hugs and kisses so maybe as I give both him and Faith even more extra hugs and kissies, you will feel them and feel my love for you, because you know if you were here, I'd hold you in my arms and never let go.

So I felt little to no emotion at the hospital, that is until your gramma and I started talking about you and how little Spencer was your gift to us for Christmas. That's when it hit me. Your brother, this angelic little bundle in my arms came directly from being with you. As soon as the nurses brought him to me, I held him close, gazing into his perfect little face and when he opened his eyes.....oh man, it gets me every time he opens his eyes, I sense the sweetest spirit. When he smiles, I know it's because he can see you and is letting us know that you are here with us. He looks so much like you! I didn't really realize it until I was looking at your baby pictures. How did I get blessed with such beautiful babies! :)

I was really wanting to be home with Faith for Christmas, so 24 hours after Spencer was born, we were able to go home. It was so sweet to see how excited Faith was to see her new baby brother. I just feel bad that she's been sick so hasn't really been able to get to know him and hold him. Rotten timing to get sick.

My thoughts have been with you even more so through the holidays and the arrival of your little brother. There has definitely been more tears recently. So many random times tears come out of nowhere. I wake up, tears well up in my eyes along with the ache in my heart. I'm sitting down minding my own business and I feel a flood of emotions. I look into Spencer's sweet eyes and the tears flare up again as I feel a sense of deja vu looking into big, beautiful, blue eyes. Just typing this has me crying. Your sweet presence is greatly missed here.

I love you so much!