Saturday, December 4, 2010


Dearest Mikayla,

How I went through two weeks without writing you, I don't know. There's been all sorts of things going through my mind and the times where I felt most depressed (which has been more frequent lately) I refrained from writing because I knew my perspective was turned the wrong way. I didn't want you to think that I'm a complete hopeless mess.

I had all sorts of talks with different people throughout the week and I've seen an important lesson surface. I'm having a hard time because I still feel guilty. People can tell me to not feel guilty and it's not my fault until they're blue in the face, but it doesn't work. You can talk and yell and scream and try to beat things into people, but unless it comes from within themselves, it will have no effect. I think it's natural for any mother to feel guilt (they find a way to somehow assign themselves the blame, whether it's their fault or not). I had this invulnerable thought that if I had not had a bad attitude and stayed in the pool with you, I could have prevented the accident. That fed the thought that it was my fault, I was to blame. Well, it's not my duty to place blame on anyone including myself. Now that my perspective is bit more clear again, I see that I just need to accept what happened,; accept the fact that no matter where I was or what I was doing you still would have gone because you just didn't need to be here any longer. I could be more happy if I could just accept things. Your daddy seemed to have forgiven and accepted things quicker than I, not that it's a competition, but I don't know why I've been struggling as much as I have. It's been a harder battle for me to overcome.

I would cry out "I just want to know why! I just want some answers!" I remembered something I had read and highlighted in a book, "For They Shall Be Comforted" that said "He could give the answer to our questions, Why? but he refrains , knowing that our faith in Him and in His purposes will increase through prayerful searching...... He will hear our earnest petitions and in His own time will give the answer to our question, Why?"
I've had a few people tell me already that I probably won't get my answers. Maybe once I accept things the way they are, maybe after a little more faith is shown, or maybe not at all. Whether I receive them or not I need to accept what God is doing is for the best and in all due time, in this life or the next, I will understand.

Accept: be designed to hold or take; tolerate or accommodate oneself to.
We all live on this earth with this foolish thinking that we have control. We do not! I had to experience one of the worst things imaginable to realize that. Even after that more things happened and happened and happened; the sooner we accept that and the sooner we learn to lean on and depend on our Savior, then and only then will life be tolerable, because we realize who's really in charge. He's the only one we can depend on. I've been going crazy thinking how much I relied on my own strength and thinking I had control on my life. The only thing we have control of, which is utterly important and will determine the outcome of life, is our attitude, which comes as a result of our free agency. I don't think I really knew (even now maybe) just how much power we have in determining our outcome just by simply having the right attitude. Easier said than done of course. Bad things will happen in life, but life itself doesn't have to be bad because of it. It's all necessary and essential in God's plan. Accept it and lean on Christ= tolerable, happy life. Deny it and try to do things yourself= unbearable, miserable life. We choose.

I hate how all these thoughts flow through my head when I'm in the car or away from my computer or paper, then when I do come to write I all the sudden have a writer's block. You'd think it would be easy to write since these are my feelings, not some rehearsed talk or something. Well, whether my words are jumbled or get what I'm saying, right? :)
I will probably do better if I don't let it build up so much. I should write it down immediately, freeing up my mind for more thoughts. Good idea, thanks Mikkie. :)

I have so much more to write, so much more I'm feeling, but that will come in the next letter.

I love you baby girl!




Jenny said...

Sounds like you have had some very good inspiration this week and I'm so grateful to have yet again learned something from what you've learned. Thanks, as always, for sharing your heart :)