Change

Dear Mikkie,

My heart is very heavy tonight. I miss you so much. Random bursts of sobs today, a bit on the unbearable side.

Change used to be a good thing, I would usually welcome it. Doesn't seem like the case anymore, I've had about as much change as I'd like and it's not even been the good kind. I like familiar more-so now. Anything and anyone that connects to you. It's weird, I don't know quite how to explain it, but it's been weighing heavily on me lately.

Most of our neighbors have/are moving and it not only makes me sad because I like them but because of my connection with you through them. Is that weird? Well they say people that grieve feel "weird" and sometimes "irrational" things that can really only be understood by them. Daddy and I have had the thought that maybe we should move since all of our friends are moving, but I couldn't leave this house. I would feel like I'd be leaving part of you here and that just kills me, there's too many memories with you here, after all you did live your full, short, life in this house. My heart just aches at the thought of leaving. So the only option is to move forward, taking life day by day, change by change.

My birthday is this week. I'm not really excited for it...I don't feel excited about much anymore, maybe sometimes but it's short-lived, it's not like it used to be. Obviously nothing is anymore. One big factor of my unexcited-ness for my birthday is because it is on the 14th.... that has become a cursed number to us, it's not the 13th, it's the 14th. The only thing that is remotely good about my birthday is that I'm 1 year older. Yes, I am now happy to be getting older, it means I'm that much more closer to being with you! Probably twisted thinking, but hey can you blame me? Time is bitter-sweet; we want it to go slow so we can enjoy and soak up every moment with sweet Faith, yet we're glad that it seems to go by fast because we're anxious to see you again! Ugh, I feel so messed up. Understandable seeing as my life seems to be going backwards....my kids dying before me, that's not the way it's supposed to go.

At least there are a few things in my life that will never change, which is what I'm clinging to at these times of desperation. My faith and my love for you (and all my loved ones too, of course). No one can ever take away either of those, I actually have control over something. As my faith grows, my love for you grows more and more and I just wish you were here so I could show you how much I love you. A big Mikkie hug would make everything right. Which reminds me, today in my first outburst, Faith came over to me and gave me a big, gentle hug. She hardly ever gives me lingering hugs, they're always short. You were more of a hugger/cuddler. This time she stayed there, not saying anything, comforting me with her sweet hug while I sobbed and then sobbed some more from her sweet gesture. She's my biggest connection to you, she reminds me so much of you, sometimes so much it hurts. I love you both so, so very much.

Love me,

Mama