One year mark, in words

My dear Mikkie,

We made it through! Thanks to the incredible amount of love and support from everyone, and being blessed with strength from Heavenly Father, we made it through the day, the week, the whole year!

As much as I wanted to fast forward time, I'm glad I couldn't because yesterday was necessary. It was very emotionally exhausting, yes, but therapeutic also. I was glad to have that time dedicated to honoring your memory. Wouldn't say it was a good or fun time, but it was a beautiful experience.

One year ago:

Woke up quickly, started getting ready while daddy got you and Faith up. In the bathroom mirror I see two pairs of blue eyes smiling at me, I turn around and smile at you and Faith. You come running up to me giving me that Mikkie hug I love and miss so much. That's as far as I dare bring up to memory, but I do remember that was the last hug I gave to you alive.

One year mark, yesterday:

The night before, Faith was sleeping on our floor, I came in to go to bed and when I saw her I knelt down by her, stroking her face and hair, while whispering to her how very much I love her and how beautiful she is and how much she reminds me of you, Mikkie. I soaked in that moment of peace and sweetness. I gave her a tender kiss on the cheek and reluctantly went to bed with thoughts of my sweet angel girls in mind. I woke up slowly just laying there in bed remembering what day it is. I saw Faith still on our floor and that's when the tears first came that day. We were so exhausted from the day before, so we slept in. I had the thought that it's ok if I stayed home because of how yucky I felt inside and out, and I know that people would've understood, but I would've rather been at church bawling with loving and supportive friends than staying home grieving alone. I couldn't justify not going to church, so I finally got up and started getting ready. I heard Faith wake up and in the mirror I saw a pair of blue eyes smiling at me, though I could picture yours next to hers as well. I turned around and gave her a big hug.

The difference between the two? The first one I was in a hurry, kind of all happened in a blur. Yesterday I slowed down a bit, soaking in these precious moments. I try to do that more often. Life's always crazy, will always be stacked up with to-do's and schedules, but taking the time for those times and people that matter most is what it's all about.

I made it to church, not without tears, but there were friends there to comfort and hug me. Some had left some balloons and hearts all over our front yard that morning saying they were thinking of us, it really touched me.

We headed over to Gramma and Grampa's house after with other immediate family members. At your gravesite we had a little program of sorts where Grampa and daddy shared their testimonies, words of hope and sweet memories of you. It was nice weather, not too hot, then the sun came out, the heat turned on full blown. At first I thought how miserable it was going to be sitting out in that heat, being pregnant. It didn't take long for the part of my song to come into my mind, "everytime I feel the sun shine through the clouds, I'll think of you, letting me feel the warmth of your love". I immediately felt your love, bringing on another flood of tears. The sun shined brilliantly on us the remainder of the time.

We then sung primary songs including your favorite, I am Like a Star. I still remember singing that to you when putting you to bed, seeing a huge grin on your face. Following, daddy sung his song that he has been working on so hard for a while. It was a perfect tribute to his little girl. I always cry when I hear it, this time was no exception, the pain was quadrupled.

Aunt Tammy had bought some butterflies that came in some envelopes so we could release them and watch them all fly up in the sky. It didn't happen that way, but I liked it better the way it turned out. The butterflies slowly wobbled their way out and struggled to flap their wings. We had that time to take pictures and hold them and just watch. They did eventually fly away. Tammy explained the reason for the butterflies, it represents change and how we have all been changed for the better because of your sweet life and the memories you left. They were beautiful, and it was everything I hoped it to be. I brought out the white balloons after, giving everybody one, reiterating my plan of Forgiveness Day. We all thought of a name of who we were going to forgive/seek forgiveness from and let them up in the sky all at once. The white was a striking contrast against the clear blue sky, it was incredible.

One last thing I brought out, bubbles. Gave one to all the kids and watched as they all had fun blowing and chasing the bubbles. You loved bubbles. I loved blowing them for you while you giggled as you popped them. I hope you loved everything we did in honor of you. We all love you so much. Daddy and I were talking after how much it meant to us for those who were able to come, to take time out of their schedules and dedicate that time to you. Also for those who were unable to come but still took time to remember and honor you. You are so very loved and remembered by so many, Mikkie!

Later on that night, we turned on your dvd, home videos all of you! Those who were still there watched with us as we laughed and cried. I tried to cry, but I couldn't. I was physically unable to cry anymore, I was that exhausted. But I was ok with that, I had time to cry and to mourn, now was the time to feel at peace. As daddy and I were driving back home we both commented how we felt at complete peace. There's a time for everything, a time for mourning, a time for laughter, a time for peace and tranquility. I'm grateful for being able to feel all of those.

It took me a matter of minutes to fall asleep, only to be woken up an hour later by Faith. There was a crazy, wicked storm outside, thundering, lightning, ferocious wind and rain. I don't blame her for coming in, it kind of scared me too. It was unlike any storm we've ever seen before, extremely powerful. Faith climbed into bed with me and we fell asleep as I patted her back and told her that everything is going to be alright.

I'm still exhausted today and am glad to have this time to relax and recuperate :) I still feel you with me, just as I did yesterday. Thank you for that. I love you, my little girl.

Love me,

Mama