Understanding

My sweet Mikayla,

I've been really struggling, wishing that people could understand without having to go through this themselves. As I was reading some talks I came across the lyrics to one of my very favorite hymns:
"Where can I Turn for Peace"

Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace 
When other sources cease to make me whole? 
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, 
I draw myself apart, Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run? 
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? 
Who, who can understand? He, only One.

He answers privately, Reaches my reaching 

In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend. 
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. 
Constant he is and kind, Love without end.

["Where Can I Turn for Peace?" Hymns, 1985, no. 129]

No song could be more perfect for how I feel right now. 

Who, who can understand? He, only One. While others may not ever understand what it's like, I have peace in knowing that there is always One whom I can turn to.

All my love,

Mama

21 months

Dear Mikkie,

I've brought this up before, about not rushing life. Not rushing routines. Not rushing period. I wanted to bring up a specific memory that I thought of while I was sick a week or two ago.

I was sick, your brother wasn't feeling well, your daddy was still gone on his trip and your gramma came to my rescue. Again. She's a lifesaver.
She asked me what I was sick with and I was expressing frustrations that I wanna get up and do stuff, not make people have to clean up after me and such. She reminded me that I just need to slow down. I thought that maybe sometimes we get sick because we're being forced to slow down, and take it easy.
Rather than condemn myself for things I didn't do or how I did them, I want to focus on the time I'm grateful for when I didn't rush. A moment that comes immediately to my mind where you were teaching me this, was one of your last days here.
I can still see it in my mind. I was sitting on a chair at the beach with a couple other people. All the kids were playing in the sand closer down by the water, but you were right by me. I kept telling you to go play with the kids but all you wanted was to be held. You were usually running around playing with everyone, I thought maybe something was wrong. How completely clueless I was.
I cuddled you in my arms and stroked your strawberry-blonde, crazy wind-styled hair. There we sat in peaceful, relaxing silence as I held you close, feeling the beat of your heart against my chest.... Something I didn't know I'd die to feel, just a few short days later.

So when your Gramma mentioned 'don't let people rush you'. The first person that came into my mind was myself. I'm the worst at rushing myself, creating too much chaos in my life.
We never get time back, once it passes, it's gone forever. Time is strange.
I'm grateful for that Sweet reminder from you that day, some 21 months ago. Can you believe it? 21 months since you left.That's as long as you were here for on this earth.

Missing you so much baby girl.

Love,

Mama

A Mother's love

My dear angel Mikkie,

I came across this quote the other day and it touched me. I've wondered at times if you truly know how deeply I love you, and when I read this it made me believe that you just might.


No one else will ever know
the strength of my love for you.
After all you're the only one who knows 
what my heart sounds like from the inside.

What a bittersweet day. For so many, not just me. There shouldn't be just one day we focus on mothers, they should be commended and remembered every day.

I am so grateful to have your sister and brother with me, that's what makes this day bearable. I feel so honored to be their mother and yours as well. I definitely got the better end of the deal, to be your mother.

You have nothing to thank me for, I am the one that should thank you.. Thank you for coming into our family and for making our lives so much richer. Thank you for all the precious memories for me to often think on so tenderly. Thank you for making me a proud mama and for making me a better person, and not just from your life but your death as well. Your death has taught me so many valuable lessons that I pray I never forget, and has helped me to see how I can become a better person, especially as a mother. I try so hard not to focus on the things I coulda shoulda done, otherwise I spiral down into a scary place.

It was a low-key, relaxing day. Daddy hasn't been feeling well for a while now, his body is just messed up, so we just took it easy. We turned on your home videos, it was about time to pull those out again. This was the first time we've watched with Spencer and it was interesting to see his reaction. Yes he's only 4.5 months old, but he knows a lot more than we give him credit for! I had him facing the tv and when he saw your face up close on the screen, he just burst out into a cry and then started babbling like he was trying so hard to say something! It was amazing! Having him part of our family is a huge blessing especially at this time. It's such a great comfort to me to have him look so much like you and do so many similar things. Daddy jokes that you were born to us again but with 2 extra digits.... ;) Another amazing thing that always brings tears to my eyes is when I am sitting on the couch, Spencer stares intently up at your picture and coo's, giggles and smiles like crazy and/or just sits there fixated on your face as if you were there. I have no doubt that you were here today, Mikkie. We felt your sweet spirit here. I don't feel it often, and that's probably because I make myself overly busy. So it was nice to have a slow day and to take time to think and ponder and focus on what a blessed mother I am! I love all 3 of my little angels.

Faith is such a sweet, patient girl. She has so much patience with daddy and I as we often bawl our eyes out. While Faith does miss you, we're obviously having a much harder time. This whole grieving thing is new to us all, and we're blessed to have such a patient, loving little girl who understands. She's so quick to give us hugs and tell us she misses you too. She's also does amazingly well with Spencer. She is so very good to him, it makes my heart melt. I don't have to ask her to help with him, she's always quick to rock him in his swing, sing to him, play with him, make him laugh. I can tell she has a very soft spot for younger kids. I hear from neighbors that while other kids are a little rough to the younger kids, Faith is so kind and involves them in activities. It does my heart good to hear this.

How did I get so blessed with such amazing children?! I hope to be the mother that they deserve and that you will be proud of.

I love and miss you so very much!!

With all my heart,

Mama

Is it still hard?

Hi my sweet angel,

I forgot to tell you about a new friend I met a little bit ago. Wish it could have been through different circumstances though. She lost her little girl as well last year and I wanted to get in touch with her and hoped to share feelings and insights. We were on the phone for a good few hours and had such a sweet conversation. She is a great person and my heart really aches that they have to suffer this trial as well. It was nice to have someone to talk to who has a lot of the same thoughts and feelings as I. She asked me what is the hardest thing for me. It's hard to summarize all of it, it's all been hard, each stage has a particular thing that's hardest at that moment, but I told her that as of recently it is how your name is not really brought up anymore. Everyone likes to talk about their kids, even if they've died... especially then do I want to talk about them. So what if I talk about the same things sometimes, I only have a 21 month span to go back on. I asked her what's the hardest for her to which she replied "guilt." Flashback of those feelings came back. I knew all too well what she meant. The exact same thoughts. Oh how I felt for her, her pain is still so raw and fresh. Not that I don't feel pain anymore, I still bawl my eyes out, but time certainly eases it a bit.

Since then I've gotten in touch with a few other moms who have lost their angels also. Again I ask, what in the world is going on over there, Mikkie? Why are so many precious little souls being taken? And a lot of the cases that have happened within the past year or two have just been bizarre, including yours. How and why does this happen?! I know I'll never actually get that answer, not in this life at least, but I still ponder it quite often.

We think about you every single day, sweet girl. How could we not? Just like in my song for you..... "You're in my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams".... Every. Single. Day.

I may not cry every day or go around clearly looking distraught but that doesn't mean that it's not hard anymore and definitely does not mean I'm "better" or "back to normal"...whatever that is. :) I still take life one day at a time and will continue to until the day I die.

I think people confuse my moments of numbness as me feeling better. No, my body is just trying to save and heal itself before the next round of emotional trauma. I think these moments are crucial to my survival, at least to save my sanity.

So in answer to the question of those who have asked or will ask..... Yes, it is still hard. I don't see that ever changing.

Loving you, missing you and thinking about you everyday!

Love,

Mama