Thursday, May 17, 2012

21 months

Dear Mikkie,

I've brought this up before, about not rushing life. Not rushing routines. Not rushing period. I wanted to bring up a specific memory that I thought of while I was sick a week or two ago.

I was sick, your brother wasn't feeling well, your daddy was still gone on his trip and your gramma came to my rescue. Again. She's a lifesaver.
She asked me what I was sick with and I was expressing frustrations that I wanna get up and do stuff, not make people have to clean up after me and such. She reminded me that I just need to slow down. I thought that maybe sometimes we get sick because we're being forced to slow down, and take it easy.
Rather than condemn myself for things I didn't do or how I did them, I want to focus on the time I'm grateful for when I didn't rush. A moment that comes immediately to my mind where you were teaching me this, was one of your last days here.
I can still see it in my mind. I was sitting on a chair at the beach with a couple other people. All the kids were playing in the sand closer down by the water, but you were right by me. I kept telling you to go play with the kids but all you wanted was to be held. You were usually running around playing with everyone, I thought maybe something was wrong. How completely clueless I was.
I cuddled you in my arms and stroked your strawberry-blonde, crazy wind-styled hair. There we sat in peaceful, relaxing silence as I held you close, feeling the beat of your heart against my chest.... Something I didn't know I'd die to feel, just a few short days later.

So when your Gramma mentioned 'don't let people rush you'. The first person that came into my mind was myself. I'm the worst at rushing myself, creating too much chaos in my life.
We never get time back, once it passes, it's gone forever. Time is strange.
I'm grateful for that Sweet reminder from you that day, some 21 months ago. Can you believe it? 21 months since you left.That's as long as you were here for on this earth.

Missing you so much baby girl.