Sunday, May 6, 2012

Is it still hard?

Hi my sweet angel,

I forgot to tell you about a new friend I met a little bit ago. Wish it could have been through different circumstances though. She lost her little girl as well last year and I wanted to get in touch with her and hoped to share feelings and insights. We were on the phone for a good few hours and had such a sweet conversation. She is a great person and my heart really aches that they have to suffer this trial as well. It was nice to have someone to talk to who has a lot of the same thoughts and feelings as I. She asked me what is the hardest thing for me. It's hard to summarize all of it, it's all been hard, each stage has a particular thing that's hardest at that moment, but I told her that as of recently it is how your name is not really brought up anymore. Everyone likes to talk about their kids, even if they've died... especially then do I want to talk about them. So what if I talk about the same things sometimes, I only have a 21 month span to go back on. I asked her what's the hardest for her to which she replied "guilt." Flashback of those feelings came back. I knew all too well what she meant. The exact same thoughts. Oh how I felt for her, her pain is still so raw and fresh. Not that I don't feel pain anymore, I still bawl my eyes out, but time certainly eases it a bit.

Since then I've gotten in touch with a few other moms who have lost their angels also. Again I ask, what in the world is going on over there, Mikkie? Why are so many precious little souls being taken? And a lot of the cases that have happened within the past year or two have just been bizarre, including yours. How and why does this happen?! I know I'll never actually get that answer, not in this life at least, but I still ponder it quite often.

We think about you every single day, sweet girl. How could we not? Just like in my song for you..... "You're in my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams".... Every. Single. Day.

I may not cry every day or go around clearly looking distraught but that doesn't mean that it's not hard anymore and definitely does not mean I'm "better" or "back to normal"...whatever that is. :) I still take life one day at a time and will continue to until the day I die.

I think people confuse my moments of numbness as me feeling better. No, my body is just trying to save and heal itself before the next round of emotional trauma. I think these moments are crucial to my survival, at least to save my sanity.

So in answer to the question of those who have asked or will ask..... Yes, it is still hard. I don't see that ever changing.

Loving you, missing you and thinking about you everyday!




Lisa R.D. said...

Thank you for this post, for so many reasons.

We don't see you nearly often enough, and we miss you. Can't wait to spend some time with you soon!