Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Mother's love

My dear angel Mikkie,

I came across this quote the other day and it touched me. I've wondered at times if you truly know how deeply I love you, and when I read this it made me believe that you just might.

No one else will ever know
the strength of my love for you.
After all you're the only one who knows 
what my heart sounds like from the inside.

What a bittersweet day. For so many, not just me. There shouldn't be just one day we focus on mothers, they should be commended and remembered every day.

I am so grateful to have your sister and brother with me, that's what makes this day bearable. I feel so honored to be their mother and yours as well. I definitely got the better end of the deal, to be your mother.

You have nothing to thank me for, I am the one that should thank you.. Thank you for coming into our family and for making our lives so much richer. Thank you for all the precious memories for me to often think on so tenderly. Thank you for making me a proud mama and for making me a better person, and not just from your life but your death as well. Your death has taught me so many valuable lessons that I pray I never forget, and has helped me to see how I can become a better person, especially as a mother. I try so hard not to focus on the things I coulda shoulda done, otherwise I spiral down into a scary place.

It was a low-key, relaxing day. Daddy hasn't been feeling well for a while now, his body is just messed up, so we just took it easy. We turned on your home videos, it was about time to pull those out again. This was the first time we've watched with Spencer and it was interesting to see his reaction. Yes he's only 4.5 months old, but he knows a lot more than we give him credit for! I had him facing the tv and when he saw your face up close on the screen, he just burst out into a cry and then started babbling like he was trying so hard to say something! It was amazing! Having him part of our family is a huge blessing especially at this time. It's such a great comfort to me to have him look so much like you and do so many similar things. Daddy jokes that you were born to us again but with 2 extra digits.... ;) Another amazing thing that always brings tears to my eyes is when I am sitting on the couch, Spencer stares intently up at your picture and coo's, giggles and smiles like crazy and/or just sits there fixated on your face as if you were there. I have no doubt that you were here today, Mikkie. We felt your sweet spirit here. I don't feel it often, and that's probably because I make myself overly busy. So it was nice to have a slow day and to take time to think and ponder and focus on what a blessed mother I am! I love all 3 of my little angels.

Faith is such a sweet, patient girl. She has so much patience with daddy and I as we often bawl our eyes out. While Faith does miss you, we're obviously having a much harder time. This whole grieving thing is new to us all, and we're blessed to have such a patient, loving little girl who understands. She's so quick to give us hugs and tell us she misses you too. She's also does amazingly well with Spencer. She is so very good to him, it makes my heart melt. I don't have to ask her to help with him, she's always quick to rock him in his swing, sing to him, play with him, make him laugh. I can tell she has a very soft spot for younger kids. I hear from neighbors that while other kids are a little rough to the younger kids, Faith is so kind and involves them in activities. It does my heart good to hear this.

How did I get so blessed with such amazing children?! I hope to be the mother that they deserve and that you will be proud of.

I love and miss you so very much!!

With all my heart,