Accepting but not Ok

My sweet Mikayla,

I've had a good talk with your daddy this weekend. He's been such a good support to me, really helped by listening to me. He said a few things that stuck out to me that I really didn't think of.

God is a good God; loving, understanding, patient, accepting, etc... It wouldn't make sense for a loving God to take a loved one away and say, well good luck with that! Buck up and deal with it! He obviously knows what He's doing and what's best for us but that doesn't mean that He expects us to be ok with it. He knows how hard it is for us and He expects it to be extremely hard (that's an understatement). He knows and understands that some days I am just plain upset as to the unfairness of this all. He knows that I have only a fraction of the view and knowledge that He does and His understanding of it all greatly surpasses mine own. He also knows that I still love Him and always turn to Him in prayer, whether it's with a humble plea or a ranting of my pain. I'm not ready to tell God I'm ok with it all, that I understand; I just deal with life one day at a time and slowly trying to become a strong person that can totally and completely put my trust in Him.
It's ok because I feel like He doesn't have such high expectations that I hold for myself; He's more forgiving. He is understanding that I accept what has happened but am not ok with it.

I read an article today and part of what they said goes along with what I'm sharing:

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this is the new reality;" is not permanent thank goodness, but nonetheless is still reality.
"We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live."

Spot on there. I'm very grateful for a loving God who understands me in my grief and is ever so patient as I imperfectly deal with this and thankfully not alone.

Im sorry you have to watch your imperfect mom deal with this all in such an imperfect way. I feel like I'm back at square two again in the grief process. Once again I'm finding the need to be patient with myself, it's not even been two years yet.

I love you so much little girl!

Love,

Mama