Patience

My sweet girl,

This past little bit I've been thinking about and trying to practice patience. 'Trying' being the key word. :)  I used to think of myself as patient, and then I grew up, got married and had kids. Seems to get harder with age. I think it's a difficult thing to achieve especially in this "microwave" generation, as Pres. Hinckley would call it. We want what we want and we want it now!

I feel it's gotten even worse since you've been gone. I even find myself being bitter about it that I'm being "forced" to be patient to see you again. I have no choice but to wait. Wait for who knows how long before this void in my heart can once again be filled. I want you back now!

President Uchtdorf explained this perfectly:
"Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter."


No doubt he was talking straight to me. The reason it's extra hard for me now is because I'm having to put one of my greatest desires ever on hold.... the desire to have you with us, to raise you with your sweet siblings and watch you all play together. The desire to see you grow up into a beautiful young woman and discover your potential and cultivate your talents.

Patience isn't merely waiting, it's enduring. And not just enduring, but enduring well. I think right now I'm doing good enough to wait. I'm striving to endure, let alone endure it well.

"Never give up on anyone. And that includes not giving up on yourself."  That's my problem right there, not giving up on myself. We're our own worst critics right? It's been a long process over these 2 years but I feel I'm slowly making process; not only does everyone else need to be patient with me through this grief, but I need to be patient with them as well AND myself. Losing a loved one is one of the greatest tests of patience that's for sure.

You're always in my thoughts, Mikkie. Every single day. I love you!!

Love,

Mama