Roller Coaster

My dear Mikkie,

What a life! no words to describe it except WOW. I'm sure many other people would say the same. Things hittin ya from all directions, happy and sad, good and bad..giving you an emotional roller coaster.

When you left I told myself and others that I would not have any more kids "why should I have more kids if God's just going to take them away?" were my exact thoughts. When I was able to snap out of my first wave of depression, your daddy and I knew that our family just felt incomplete and empty (it even did when you were still here.....but even more so now that you're gone.) Well, here I am 2 1/2 months along in my pregnancy with a sibling I'm sure you picked out yourself. It is a sweet miracle.....honestly not the miracle I was looking for at the time, but I'm happy, God knew He needed to send me another child soon...not that it will in any way take your place....in fact that's one of the things I'm afraid of. I have so many mixed emotions...people ask me if I'm excited and I feel bad thinking "no, not really....not like I was with you and Faith." I feel guilty for feeling that way then I think of things like "what if I don't love it as much as you and Faith", "what if I love it more than you", "what if i always compare it to you", and all sorts of other questions that I'm sure others would think is just absurd, but deep down inside it's how I honestly feel. I'm sure things will change once the baby is born, at least I hope it does, because this is just added guilt on top of the guilt I already have. I also have mixed emotions on whether I want a boy or girl (not like it matters what I want...it will be whatever it will be) I think to myself...if it's a girl I think it will feel more like it's replacing you, but then again I love my little girls! If it's a boy it would feel less like it's replacing you but....I don't know how to raise a boy...kind of a scary thought :) i'm so used to girls. I know that whatever it is, it will be for the best. God knows what we need.

Another wave on the roller coaster was added when we found out my Aunt died a couple days ago...very sudden, out of nowhere....just like you. What is going on up there? :) It's just crazy how you can be talking with someone one day and the next they're gone. It all happens all too fast. Life happens way too fast....which under recent circumstances, I'm grateful for, I just need to make sure to use my time more wisely. We're going to the funeral tomorrow. I'm not sure how I'm going to react, hopefully better than how I was last night.
Last night I hysterically cried myself asleep; tonight I laughed myself silly til my stomach hurt. Your dad thinks I'm delirious. Is it possible I'm going insane? I was doing fine til your daddy took Faith out trick-or-treating last night, and for some reason that made the volcano of tears erupt. Maybe I've been holding it in the past little while, it's been a few weeks since I last cried....and boy did I ever cry last night. Thoughts of last year came to me when they went out, you were home with me to keep me company...this year I was all alone. I've been alone several times before, I don't know why this time was any different. I'm surprised the baby is surviving all this stress and trauma...that to me is a miracle.

So, like I say, life is interesting, always keeps us going. Despite all my mixed emotions, I sure am looking forward to meeting your other sibling. Any hint to what the gender may be? ;) We'll be finding out soon anyways. To think that they are with you right now and will come straight to us right after just gives me chills. When I look at your little cousin Kelsey, who was born just 2 days after you left, I think "this baby was just with my baby girl!" How amazing. How lucky these people are to be with you that are up there now. I envy them. I can't wait to see your precious little face again. Until then....would you please let me feel you near? It sure would help ease my pain, to feel your precious spirit with me.

Now I feel like I'm just rambling. I love you so much Mikkie. I'm sorry I struggle so much, I'm trying, trust me, I am.

Love always,

Momma

Roots

Dear Mikkie,

It's been next to impossible to have time to sit, think and write lately. It's also been impossible to not think about you. Especially being places where we have memories with you. We're here in CT with your Grandpa and Grandma H. I can't help but think the last time we were here, you were with us. Your first plane ride (which you did very good by the way), your first time to a beach, your first time being to Rita's (best stuff in the world-put in a recommendation for those in heaven for me please, if it's not already there :)... everytime I think of Rita's, I think of you on the table, crawling over to my cup and taking a big chomp off the top with your mouth. It was the funniest thing. In fact we got a picture of it.

In the room we're staying in, I can still picture in my mind your playpen against the wall, you in it looking disgruntled because someone just disturbed your slumber, baby powder all over your head and sprinkled all over your crib along with tampons strewn all over. It was quite the sight. Faith had quite a fun time doing it. Sadly, we didn't get a picture of that.

It was little things like that, that joggled my memory and my heart sinks the same time I smile.

We talked about Job today in church, your Grandpa taught the lesson and did a great job. I thought it was very applicable. It's good to be reminded. I wish I could redo some things and be as faithful as Job was. He mentioned something about trees and their roots and asked indirectly how deep our roots are. Is our faith rooted so deep that nothing will make us waver, or do we do just enough to get by, just rooted enough that we drift away in the slightest amount of adversity? Can we hold on when the waves of adversity hit us from every angle? Not alone we can't, but with God all things are possible. I know that I've been able to make it each day because of Him....I would not have survived otherwise. I pray that my faith will never falter me and will continue to grow stronger. It has already been tested and tried more than I ever imagined but grown immensely as well.

My faith is deeply rooted in my Savior, Jesus Christ, I could never deny Him or all He has done for me. He is and has always been there for me.

Mikkie, you are gone but I know you live just as surely as He lives.

I kind of feel like I've been neglecting you by neglecting this blog. I just need to make the time to think and be still. I love you so much and think of you everyday. I sure wish you were here with us. Vacation just isn't the same anymore.... well, life isn't.

I promise I'll be back sooner.

love always,

your momma

I'll Think of You

Sweet Mikkie,

Life seems to be going in fast forward lately. Which can be good and bad. Life still feels like a dream, and I can't wait to wake up from it. I've been surprisingly calm lately (emotionally), it's not just a picture that brings tears, it's music. Music has always had a great impact on me and how I feel.
Remember the poem I wrote for you and read at your funeral? I had a few people saying I should make it into a song, but it wasn't until your uncle Dale said something that I really began to take it seriously. He is incredibly gifted with music and I had no doubt at all that he could come up with something beautiful. It didn't take him long at all and the first time he played the melody for me, I couldn't contain myself...tears just kept streaming down.
We had to change my poem a little to make it fit the music, and I had to come up with the chorus. It took me a while til I found the words that felt right.
We had the music done then talked of recording it. It was missing something. Singing. Someone has to sing the words, that's what the song is about. I immediately thought of a gal in our ward who has an amazing voice, Stephanie Hill. She has some cd's she's recorded and I remember hearing her voice before. She was so kind and willing enough to do this for me.
Well, last Friday we did it. We recorded it and I have my very own cd of your song. I've always thought it would be cool to put words to music, but cannot compose to save my life. I'm very grateful to Dale and Stephanie who have helped make this a reality, and prefect at that. The song could not be more perfect. I never have a dry eye when listening to it.
I hope you love it just as much, Mikkie. It brings me close to you. I put together a little slideshow that goes along with the lyrics. I know it's not professional, but I tried my best, just know it comes from my heart.

I am going to do a tree in memory of you for the Festival of Trees this year. I'm very excited. I'm going to sell this song for $1 and all of the proceeds will go to help with it....which will in turn go to Primary Children's Hospital....the place that tried so very hard to revive you. Most of all I'm hoping this song will touch others' hearts, as it comes from the heart of a mother who lost a most precious, angelic baby girl whom she loves more than life itself.

I love you and I'll think of you.....Mikayla, always.

With love,

Momma

**If you would like to purchase this song, you can click the Donate button below or on the top right hand side of this blog. You can purchase it for $1, and any donations will greatly be appreciated. All proceeds will ultimately be given to Primary Children's Hospital. The song will be emailed to you within 24 hours of payment.

Thank You.**

Awake

My dear Mikkie,

It's crazy how well I can be doing one day and thinking to myself 'ok, I can do this' to feeling like even the simplest task is unbearable the next day. Your daddy is very good to me, Mikkie. I've been very blessed by him and the power of the priesthood he holds. He has never, not once, given up on me. He has been there with me through my darkest hours. Besides my Savior, he truly is my best friend. He's there when I need him the most.

I got this handout back in Seminary days and have loved it ever since. Remembering this each morning reminds me of the decisions and actions I need to do... Richard G. Scott said in his recent talk from Conference, "strong character results from consistent correct choices." I want to be consistent in having good thoughts and making good decisions, so I live my life in such a way that when I wake up each morning satan will say "Oh no, she's awake!"

Another quote that I found that goes along with this, that I like also is, "It's not enough to just say you believe in God, Satan BELIEVES in God.. we need to believe in God in such a way that every day has us striving to LIVE for God."

There is a war going on around us. There is increased wickedness in the physical world, yes, but there is a spiritual war going on all around us. The forces are strong on both sides, but in the end God always wins, light overcomes darkness, good triumphs evil.

Mikkie, there is so much I'm learning right now, I've been so blind to so many things. I think I've been content with the knowledge I've had before and being the way I am....which isn't nearly enough. I can learn and do so much more! I feel I've been spiritually stagnant and I'm just sad it's taken something like this to wake me up. All this has woken me up to many things.

It's not just physically awake that the quote is talking about....to me it also means being spiritually awake. You can never let your guard down....I'm seeing more and more the minute you think things are going ok and let your guard down the tiniest bit, you get attacked.

I pray for the strength to always keep my guard up.

How's that for another totally unorganized, random thought? :) It's taken me a while to write to you because one it's been a busy week, two I had a very hard weekend and three I've felt I was unable to accurately articulate these thoughts and feelings running through me...but I finally figured something is better than nothing. If I wait too long I'll have so many thoughts I won't even know where to start and most likely won't write anything. I don't want to stop writing, it brings me comfort....you're not here to talk to, so this makes me feel like we're having a conversation, even though I can't hear you.

I keep finding myself calling other people by your name....today I called Kuzco, Mikkie. :) Your uncle called Faith, Mikkie Monster yesterday....Faithy monster just doesn't flow the same. I like to say and hear your name though....it's hard enough having you gone, it's even harder not hearing about you or at least your name. I miss telling people the latest cute and funny thing you've been doing, you always made me smile.

Alright, I'm done now. I love you more than you'll ever know sweet girl.

Love,

momma

Happy

Sweet Mikkie,

These past few days I've been happy. It's the first time since, that I've felt genuinely happy. I've actually been smiling without force and laughing without guilt. I haven't cried for two days. I feel grateful for the great comfort I've felt.

Daddy and I went to see a grief counselor the other night and we feel like this is a good thing for us. She said some interesting things. One thing was that we need to let go, of the guilt,the what if's, the nightmares that haunt me when I think of that excruciatingly painful day and all the details that go with it...let to. Letting go doesn't mean we will lose you, but it will help to heal us.

Then she said a few times about having patience with ourselves, allow ourselves to grieve. Allow and accept it.

That reminds me of this quote I got from your aunt:

"Grief is not linear. People kept telling me that once this happened or that passed, everything would be better. Some people gave me one year to grieve. They saw grief as a straight line, with a beginning, middle, and end. But it is not linear. It is disjointed. One day you are acting almost like a normal person. You may even manage to take a shower. Your clothes match. You think the autumn leaves look pretty, or enjoy the sound of snow crunching under your feet.

Then a song, a glimpse of something, or maybe even nothing sends you back into the hole of grief. It is not one step forward, two steps back. It is a jumble. It is hours that are all right, and weeks that aren't. Or it is good days and bad days. Or it is the weight of sadness making you look different to others and nothing helps. Not haircuts or manicures or the Atkins Diet.

...Grief doesn't have a plot. It isn't smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end. There is no end."

-Ann Hood (from her book "Comfort: A Journey Through Grief")

I need to be patient with myself when I'm happy and then all the sudden bawl all day long. I've already noticed it going like that.....I guess it's not just me that needs to be patient, it's everyone else. Hopefully they're patient with me because this will be a lifelong process, I will never get over it, but will continue learning and making progress. It's not just crying or sadness that I go back and forth with, but anger. I still find myself getting angry easier or just over nothing.

In a packet about grief that our counselor gave us, the first few paragraphs completely hit home with me.

"Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of a parent's being....when a baby dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them...as time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is their link to their child, their grief keeps them connected to the child." -Arnold and Gemma, in Corr Et Al. 1996, 50-51

I've found that I cling to my grief, even the pain, because you seem more real to me; I feel that pain and it's a reminder that you were ripped from my life, my arms and how terribly I miss you.

"The parents are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child's death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, bereaved parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died."

That's exactly how I feel. I couldn't have said it better. I feel I am forgetting you when I'm not feeling that pain. I'm scared of forgetting you. I don't want to forget what it was like to have you around. It seems the only way I can 'feel' you is to feel the pain, otherwise I cannot feel you around and that pains me even more than the pain itself.

The only way to get through this is taking it one day at a time, sometimes hour by hour. I cannot rush myself past this grief, it's necessary and important to feel.

I'm looking forward to continue talking with the counselor and hopefully I can be a better person from it, coming out stronger and more understanding.

Thinking of you always.

Love,

your momma

*everytime I say or write or hear 'momma' I can hear your tiny voice repeating it, not stopping until you got my attention, telling me or showing me something small, but obviously important to you. I'm glad I got to hear you say my name so many times. I won't mind if you say it over and over again, I will gladly listen, I just ache to hear it again.