Friday, October 1, 2010

Happy

Sweet Mikkie,

These past few days I've been happy. It's the first time since, that I've felt genuinely happy. I've actually been smiling without force and laughing without guilt. I haven't cried for two days. I feel grateful for the great comfort I've felt.
Daddy and I went to see a grief counselor the other night and we feel like this is a good thing for us. She said some interesting things. One thing was that we need to let go, of the guilt,the what if's, the nightmares that haunt me when I think of that excruciatingly painful day and all the details that go with it...let to. Letting go doesn't mean we will lose you, but it will help to heal us.
Then she said a few times about having patience with ourselves, allow ourselves to grieve. Allow and accept it.
That reminds me of this quote I got from your aunt:

"Grief is not linear. People kept telling me that once this happened or that passed, everything would be better. Some people gave me one year to grieve. They saw grief as a straight line, with a beginning, middle, and end. But it is not linear. It is disjointed. One day you are acting almost like a normal person. You may even manage to take a shower. Your clothes match. You think the autumn leaves look pretty, or enjoy the sound of snow crunching under your feet.

Then a song, a glimpse of something, or maybe even nothing sends you back into the hole of grief. It is not one step forward, two steps back. It is a jumble. It is hours that are all right, and weeks that aren't. Or it is good days and bad days. Or it is the weight of sadness making you look different to others and nothing helps. Not haircuts or manicures or the Atkins Diet.

...Grief doesn't have a plot. It isn't smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end. There is no end."

-Ann Hood (from her book "Comfort: A Journey Through Grief")

I need to be patient with myself when I'm happy and then all the sudden bawl all day long. I've already noticed it going like that.....I guess it's not just me that needs to be patient, it's everyone else. Hopefully they're patient with me because this will be a lifelong process, I will never get over it, but will continue learning and making progress. It's not just crying or sadness that I go back and forth with, but anger. I still find myself getting angry easier or just over nothing.

In a packet about grief that our counselor gave us, the first few paragraphs completely hit home with me.

"Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of a parent's being....when a baby dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them...as time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is their link to their child, their grief keeps them connected to the child." -Arnold and Gemma, in Corr Et Al. 1996, 50-51

I've found that I cling to my grief, even the pain, because you seem more real to me; I feel that pain and it's a reminder that you were ripped from my life, my arms and how terribly I miss you.

"The parents are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child's death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, bereaved parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died."

That's exactly how I feel. I couldn't have said it better. I feel I am forgetting you when I'm not feeling that pain. I'm scared of forgetting you. I don't want to forget what it was like to have you around. It seems the only way I can 'feel' you is to feel the pain, otherwise I cannot feel you around and that pains me even more than the pain itself.

The only way to get through this is taking it one day at a time, sometimes hour by hour. I cannot rush myself past this grief, it's necessary and important to feel.

I'm looking forward to continue talking with the counselor and hopefully I can be a better person from it, coming out stronger and more understanding.

Thinking of you always.

Love,

your momma

*everytime I say or write or hear 'momma' I can hear your tiny voice repeating it, not stopping until you got my attention, telling me or showing me something small, but obviously important to you. I'm glad I got to hear you say my name so many times. I won't mind if you say it over and over again, I will gladly listen, I just ache to hear it again.

7 comments:

Lisa R.D. said...

I loved these thoughts.... thank you for sharing the quotes from your grief packet, they were so enlightening. I hadn't thought about grief in that way, but it's true, it's your link to her.

URFAVE5 said...

Thanks for sharing these thoughts. I think that you can almost apply that thing about grief to any grief that we feel. It's our link to our connection to whatever trial our hurt we've been through.

I've told you before, you are an amazing woman. I am so happy to read that you are happy. You need to be happy. Not that it helps at all for me to say this and this may be one of those many things that I am not supposed to say to someone who has lost someone but, remember that Mikki is happy and she would want nothing more than for her sweet momma and daddy to be happy. She did what it was that she was to do on this earth and she is back in the loving arms of a loving Father in Heaven. She sees the whole plan and she just wants you to make it through this tough time and trial so you can someday be with her again. Like I said, I probably said something I shouldn't have or you've heard this all a hundred times and you already know all of this but sometimes to have a stranger, an outsider just looking in say it sometimes that is when it will hit you and touch you.

Hang in there and remember your in many people's thoughts and prayers, those that you don't even know!

Take Care,
JoLynn Ellsworth

Jenny said...

How could you EVER forget your child?! That just won't happen :) The Lord blessed you with a beautiful baby girl and that just won't go away...no matter what, no matter how much time passes and no matter how happy or sad you are. She is engraven upon you. She will ALWAYS be with you. What a great idea to get some advice from a grief counselor! I hope that it continues to help and I hope your good days become more than your bad days.

Terri said...

I'm so glad you've made the step to visit a counselor. It sounds like he/she has some great information and counsel for you. As always, you continue to be in our prayers. We love you, Tim, Faith, and Mikkie very much! :)

TheMcFenleys said...

I've been reading your story and your letters to Mikkie! I confess I'm a bawling mess right now! My heart is so full of love and pain and empathy for you! I love you little Laura who used to be the little girl I knew without all this heartache! I'm so impressed with your spirit and your faith and know that how you've learned to deal with this is from your beautiful mother (and dad). You are amazing. I'm so in love with your little daughters and husband. Thank you for letting us share your heart. This can't be easy. You are so beautiful and full of faith. God is so proud of you and you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. I love you!

Connie

TheMcFenleys said...

I just realized that my daughter was getting married on the day you lost her - it's so hard to reconcile that pain and loss can happen at the same time as joy and a future for someone else. I'm so sorry!!!

me

Traci said...

It was good reading this post, seeing that you are able to find happy times, even if only for a day or even an hour. Hopefully you'll see the happy times stay longer and more frequent... when you're ready for it. I'm glad you like your counselor--what a great resource for you. Love you Laura (and Tim and Faith and Mikkie)