Routines

Dear Mikkie,

Some days more than others I can't believe you're actually gone. I still wait some mornings for our little routine to start. You start banging the wall with your feet to let me know you're up. Then smile extra big when I come in. Get so happy you pounce back down on your tummy while I pat your cute lil bum a million times. I lift you out and change your diaper- what a chore that was, you would never hold still; you were quite the little wiggle worm. You'd run around playing with Faith. When I start going down the stairs, you'd "tell me" (grunt) to carry you down. I kneel on the step and you jump right into my arms.

Putting you to bed was so much fun. Daddy and I tagged team, He had Faith and I had you. It's been like that ever since you were born. We'd give you a bath, where you'd like to take a little drink. Ew. I'd put you in a towel and if I didn't carry you into your room, you'd run off with those little naked bunnies around the house. I get your jammie's on and put you in your crib, giving you a big goodnight hug. You'd start to whine a little. I know exactly why. I ask daddy to throw me up a bottle and once you see it you start laughing. Confirmation that it is indeed what you wanted.

I start singing the song that popped into my head the first time I started singing to you, what reminds me of you. "I am like a star". You get this huge grin telling me you love the song. That makes me want to sing it to you again. I turn off the lights, turn on music, and as I go out the door I tell you "I love you, sleep with the angels" and blow you kisses. You blow me kisses in return. I'd then go help daddy sing your sister to sleep also.

Oh how I miss those precious routines. They weren't long enough. Some mornings and nights I'd rush to get it done so I can get to my movie, computer, craft, cleaning or whatever insignificant thing I had waiting. It can wait. Those things can always wait, they'll always be there, but loved ones may not. Time is too precious to rush these important little routines. They are some of my greatest memories with you.

I miss you terribly Mikkie baby.

Love,

your mom who no longer rushes routines.

Hope

Sweet little angel,

I haven't seen it in myself, or maybe I have just been in denial, but I've been depressed this past week. It's been incredibly hard and trying in every single aspect of life. I've been questioning and rethinking everything I've been taught and known for so many years.

I just saw a rainbow across the lake by the mountains. 4:40ish pm. Beautiful rainbow. I was at the desk reading, when I just turned my head suddenly and I noticed the rainbow. I didn't know if I was just seeing things like Tim was the other day, but as I got up closer to the door and opened it, I saw it, bright and beautiful. Just like you. It stayed for just a few minutes while I cried my eyes out, then it started vanishing into the clouds....vanishing like my doubts. I knew that I was meant to see that. I have been looking for rainbows ever since the funeral, but to no avail. Now, when I wasn't on the search, it appeared to me. Right when I needed it too. I can't say it's completely healed and cured me, but I feel better about moving forward with tomorrow, tonight even. I know that Heavenly Father is listening. I know you are here with me, my sweet angel girl. I've been questioning things I already know the answer to. It just takes moments like this to remind me and confirm that what I know is true. I don't need visions (as neat as it would be) or anything of sorts to tell me that what I believe is true. I know.

That rainbow is a symbol of hope to me. In some of my darkest, most sorrowful hours, God has given me a rainbow, and I thought of you. He has given me hope to move forward for another day.

Think, Ponder and Pray

My Mikkie,

Today was the first time I've been to your grave since the funeral. I needed to go. Alone. It was good for me. I hope you got the balloon I set free. Bright pink, kind of hard to miss. :)

I've been noticing something about myself. Before all this, I never really took time to just be still, to think and ponder. You probably remember me always having music or a movie on, I didn't like the silence really. I never got some good meditating time in. Since you've been gone, it seems like that's all I can do. All I want to do. It's forced me into a pondering mood. I think and ponder a lot. Most of the time I just feel like being alone and thinking. I love the quiet now. Of course turning on music here and there is good, especially hymns or your Uncle Dale, they really get the emotions going.

I think about my testimony and about my faith. I think about life but a lot more about death. I used to be so afraid of death. I never even wanted to talk about the possibility. I'm not so scared anymore. Death seems so peaceful and free to me now. I think of how you are resting from all your cares and sorrows, from pain and misery. When it's my time to go, I will welcome it, not fear it. I used to think cemeteries were scary and never liked going near them. Now, I want to be there every day. It's so sacred. So peaceful.....when the workers aren't there making racket with the weed whacker. That was a little frustrating.

See, I'm thinking a lot. The thoughts are just flooding in my mind, just as much as junk mail is flooding our mail box. Only difference is my thoughts are not junk. :)

I think about what my mission is here on earth. I think of how I can be a better person. I think of how and what I can do to make a difference. I think of how can I keep the memory of you alive. I think of the gospel and how much harder and devastating this all would be if I didn't have the knowledge I have. Then I think about knowledge...I know I have SO much more to learn. "To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge." :)

Alma 32:21 "...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

I have faith that even though I cannot see God and though I cannot see you anymore, I know that He is watching over us. I know that you are watching over us. You are closer to me than I probably even realize.

Lessons learned

Dearest Mikkie,

I have learned a few things from this experience already. A couple of them are:

• Hug and kiss more often, those you love, a little more closely, a little more tightly, just a little more every day....
• Say "I love you" every second of every day. You can never hear it enough.
• Spend less time worrying about things that don't really matter. Focus on the things that do matter, a lot more often.
• Spend less time worrying about anything. As your great-grandmother, Lucille Harper, used to quote and has stuck with me since is, "For everything under the sun, there either is a solution or there is none. If there is one, hurry and find it. If there is none, nevermind it."
• Be a little more patient. With everything and everyone, including yourself.
• Don't wish time away. When it's gone, it's gone and you cannot get it back. Enjoy every single minute you have with your loved ones. I really like this quote, "Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." ~Robert Brault
• Forgive and forget. Life is too short to hold grudges. Forgiveness is essential and crucial to our happiness.
• Anger is completely pointless. It does nothing but bring regret. I hope and pray that you wil forgive me for all the times I've acted so foolishly.
• If you make God's will your own, life will be a lot more bearable. I quickly found that out as I realized no matter how hard you pray, you cannot change God's will.
• The things you find burdensome and tiring become part of the things you miss the most. Finding your crayon marks and finger smudges on the walls and windows don't bother me the slightest, but I rather wish I could have more.
• Live and love life to the fullest. I'm going to try so much harder to not say "I'll do that later", because there may not be a later, or a tomorrow. I'm going to take advantage of each day and not let time slip from my hands.

I know this is probably a miniscule amount of what I'm supposed to learn, and there's probably even bigger lessons that I just can't see yet, but I know I'm not going to know and understand everything all at once. There are still some things that I'm praying for a better understanding on.

I love you Mikkie. Things pop up everyday that bring back the pain, like yesterday when Faith saw a helicopter while we were driving and said with great enthusiasm, "look a helicopter. Mikkie's back! Mikkie's back!" if only things worked that way. :)

God's tender mercies

Dearest Mikkie,

I know you read my letter yesterday and that God heard. I saw His tender mercies at hand last night...once again. Faith fell asleep in her room without a fuss! She did come into our room at 2, but she slept through the whole night, as did all of us. That, to me, was a miracle.

Just like at your funeral. I know you were there, I felt you holding me up as I read my poem and throughout the whole day. I was amazed at how well I was holding up. Do you remember the poem I read for you? I worked on it for 2 days and wanted it to be very special for you. I hope you liked it. I'm thinking you did, from what happened afterwards. I'm going to share that poem once more with you, and now it will be written for you to always read.

I’ll Think of You

Now that life has changed and things have become harder to do,

I’ll look at the world with another view.

Each time I see a butterfly flutter pass,

I’ll think of you

How life can transform in the blink of an eye.

Each time I see a helicopter buzz through the sky,

I’ll think of you

Flying to Jesus to be safe in His arms.

Each time I see the rain falling down from above,

I’ll think of you

Shedding your tears each time that I cry.

Each time I see a flower in bloom,

I’ll think of you

Bringing peace to my soul and joy to my heart.

Each time I feel the sun’s rays shine through the window,

I’ll think of you

Letting me feel the warmth of your love.

Each time I feel the wind brush on my face,

I’ll think of you

Sending me kisses and blowing them my way.

Each time I see a rainbow across the sky,

I’ll think of you

Giving me hope to move forward for another day.

Each time I see the twinkling stars in the night sky,

I’ll think of you

Shining brightly to remind me that you are still here.

Each time I see your big sister, Faith,

I’ll think of you, my sweet angel

Reminding me to have faith that we will soon be together again.

I will never forget....at the graveside service, a short, 2 minute rain right over us, a gust of wind and a butterfly flying by. When we arrived back at the chapel, I could feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, shining through the car window. I grabbed your daddy's hand and made sure he could feel it too. Thank you, I needed that. I'm so grateful for these small, tender mercies from God.. I guess God really does know what we need and when, even if isn't exactly what and when we hoped for.

Sleep deprived

Dear Mikkie,

Your sister Faith is having a very hard time with sleep. Before we went on vacation, do you remember that big thunder and lightning storm we had? She's been scared ever since and will not sleep by herself. It was ok to deal with before. Having to deal with that on top of everything else that has happened this past week...... it's a little more than I can handle.

Can you be her guardian angel? She's fine otherwise, but when she doesn't get good sleep she's irrational, grumpy and it makes me even more sad than I am. I'm praying fervently that God will comfort her and that as we continue to explain to and calm her, she'll be blessed with peace and will be able to sleep great like she used to.

I can tell she misses you. She knows. She knows things are different. She notices you aren't there when she goes to bed, and that the crib is still empty when she wakes up, or when she eats. She notices you're not there watching her while she plays her games online. She notices you're not there next to her in the car to share treats and play peek-a-boo with. She notices the house is a little more quiet without your cute little laugh, the pitter patter of your feet running around, and even your whining is gone- as exhausting as it was to hear, I'd rather hear that than the lonely silence we hear now. She notices her best friend in the whole world is not around to play anymore.

She asks me every night, "Where's Mikkie, where's Mikkie mommy?" I give her the look that says I know you know. She says, "Mikkie's with Jesus. Mikkie's happy, Mikkie's happy." I can't tell if she's saying that to comfort me or if she's saying that to convince herself. Either way, she misses you very much.

Support

Sweet Mikkie,

We have had an overwhelmingly, amazingly amount of love, support, prayers and generosity from people everywhere...not just from family and friends, but also from people I don't know (but want to get to know). I am stunned by people's generosity, and deeply touched by all the support and words of comfort. I don't have the words to express adequately how I feel, but I am eternally grateful.

So many people have been touched by you, sweet girl. Seems people have become closer. I'm beginning to see even more that God works through people. There have been too many notes, words, calls, etc that have come precisely at the moment I needed them. No one knows my thoughts except God, and I don't believe in "just a coincidence."

Nightmare come true

Dear Mikkie,

It's been 6 days since you left, but I can still remember like it was yesterday.

I remember that morning vividly. I was in the bathroom getting ready and when you woke up, you and Faith stood right outside the door smiling. Your smile always makes me happy, no matter what. I returned your big smile, and as always that has you running into my arms. I got a nice big Mikkie hug in. Did you know you were going to leave? Is that why you made sure I got one last "Mikkie hug" in?

We talked about going swimming on our last day of vacation. I wasn't feeling completely up to par and thought of maybe just staying back and preparing dinner while you took a nap. For some reason I gave in to go swimming. I wanted to go to the outdoor pool to soak up some sun. We ended up going to the indoor pool. They had a place just outside to lay out.

You probably noticed, I started acting like a stinker, hurrying out the door to go. I didn't wait for daddy, but I knew you and Faith were running behind me. You can do stairs, but not very fast, so I turned around, picked you up and carried you down with me. Once at the bottom, daddy caught up and I passed you to him.

We walked right down the street to the pool, daddy got us in and without a word, I went outside to soak in the sun. This is the part that I wish with my whole soul that I could go back and change. I would not have gone outside, or I may not have come at all. I would have and should have stayed at the condo with you while you took a little nap. My heart aches when I realize that no matter how much I replay this scene in my head, the outcome is still the same. I cannot change a thing.

I sat there with really no thoughts in my head, except maybe I should go talk to everyone now so they don't think I'm ignoring them. Na, "I'll just stay out here a little longer", I thought, "I need to tan my pasty white skin." How selfish I was. At that moment is when I heard Tim scream your name that sent chills to my bones and made me bounce right out of my chair. without hesitation, I ran in to see....the image that now haunts my mind and dreams at night. You were face down in the pool, floating all alone until Grampa grabbed you.

I flung my sunglasses off and my legs ran without my mind thinking, and I heard a shrieking cry which I soon realized it was me who was making that noise. I've only heard it on movies, that cry of desperation, it always sent chills down my spine and I never knew that I'd be making that same noise one day. Grampa got you out of the pool, daddy ran to try and help, while I just stood there paralyzed screaming "Somebody help her. Breathe, Mikkie, breathe. Please breathe!"

I could barely stand the site of seeing you all limp. Limp like a ragdoll with no life at all. I prayed and I screamed, watching grampa giving you CPR, getting some water out of you, but no breath yet.

I had people to hang on, to clutch to while I cried until someone came to get you into the ambulance. They took you outside and with my legs barely useable, I wobbled out after you. you went straight into the ambulance and they wouldn't let me in. I turned away and fell on my knees, compelled into prayer after prayer after prayer. This was all just a bad dream, this couldn't be happening to me! Things like this only happen in the movies and to people I don't know. Not me. Why me? God, Why Me? I had to still hope, people kept telling me I still had to hope and pray. Show faith. So I did. I prayed like I've never prayed before, with all the energy of my heart and soul. With every fiber of my being. "God, please help my baby, please let her live!" I must've recited that every other line.

People had to help me walk as I barely had any strength at all. All I wanted to do was hold you, hold my baby girl, knowing that you would live.

They waited for what seemed like hours for the life-flight helicopter to get there. As we saw them carry you in, I saw it as a good sign and had hope. The nurse that checked you came up to us and I asked "is she ok?" and she said "I'm not gonna lie, she doesn't look good." that diminished my hope. what was I supposed to do now? I knelt down in prayer again thinking.....we prayed for experiences to build our testimonies....maybe this is just a test of faith. Right then and there, I decided to show faith, I had to believe that things would be ok. Tim and I felt a moment of peace. We turned to each other saying that we knew you would be ok. That boosted my hope again.

They wouldn't let me go with you in the helicopter. I wanted to scream, instead I cried. I wanted to be there with you, be there for you since I wasn't there for you when you needed me most- struggling for breath as you helplessly drowned. I wasn't there for you and for that I will always feel guilt. I'm so sorry. From the bottom of my heart Mikkie, I'm so sorry.

Your uncle Ryan drove us down to the hospital, which was his second time doing that for us that week. Remember when daddy had that fight with the bench and lost? ;)

That drive was the most excruciatingly painful long drive I've ever had. My arms were aching the whole time to hold you, and my heart was breaking. daddy kept trying to talk to me, but I wouldn't take my my mind off my prayers. He got a call from grampa and he told me that you didn't make it. I didn't cry, because I didn't believe. I had to believe that you were still fighting, that you would make it, that maybe you were gone but a miracle would happen to bring you back.

We finally made it to the hospital and we rushed in to see my parents and brother who had tears in their eyes. I didn't pay attention and just asked where you were. I hurried to find you and when I did, I ran up to your pale little body and cried, thinking why can't I have a miracle like everyone else. Why wouldn't God heal you, and bring you back to me? A nurse came in and said those words that no mother wants to hear, "I'm sorry, we tried everything we could." Did you, did you really?? Or did you just lose faith....has everyone just lost faith, am I the only one that is having faith for a miracle? Deep down inside I knew, but I didn't want to believe. I was in denial. I couldn't lose you, I can't live without my baby. But whether I want to or not, I have to live without you.

Moving forward with Faith

I wanted to set up this blog as a place for me to write to my angel baby girl who passed away last week. It helps for me to write down thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. I also want to be able to help anyone who is or will be going through this same devastating trial..... hopefully my words will be of some comfort to you. And maybe get encouraging, uplifting, comforting thoughts from others all along this journey.

I knew there was some reason why we named our first daughter Faith. Now I know why... she's a constant reminder to me that I need to keep my faith and move forward. Going forward, not getting over it. I will never get over this; I want to and will always remember my baby girl.