Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Think, Ponder and Pray

My Mikkie,

Today was the first time I've been to your grave since the funeral. I needed to go. Alone. It was good for me. I hope you got the balloon I set free. Bright pink, kind of hard to miss. :)

I've been noticing something about myself. Before all this, I never really took time to just be still, to think and ponder. You probably remember me always having music or a movie on, I didn't like the silence really. I never got some good meditating time in. Since you've been gone, it seems like that's all I can do. All I want to do. It's forced me into a pondering mood. I think and ponder a lot. Most of the time I just feel like being alone and thinking. I love the quiet now. Of course turning on music here and there is good, especially hymns or your Uncle Dale, they really get the emotions going.

I think about my testimony and about my faith. I think about life but a lot more about death. I used to be so afraid of death. I never even wanted to talk about the possibility. I'm not so scared anymore. Death seems so peaceful and free to me now. I think of how you are resting from all your cares and sorrows, from pain and misery. When it's my time to go, I will welcome it, not fear it. I used to think cemeteries were scary and never liked going near them. Now, I want to be there every day. It's so sacred. So peaceful.....when the workers aren't there making racket with the weed whacker. That was a little frustrating.

See, I'm thinking a lot. The thoughts are just flooding in my mind, just as much as junk mail is flooding our mail box. Only difference is my thoughts are not junk. :)

I think about what my mission is here on earth. I think of how I can be a better person. I think of how and what I can do to make a difference. I think of how can I keep the memory of you alive. I think of the gospel and how much harder and devastating this all would be if I didn't have the knowledge I have. Then I think about knowledge...I know I have SO much more to learn. "To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge." :)

Alma 32:21 " is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."
I have faith that even though I cannot see God and though I cannot see you anymore, I know that He is watching over us. I know that you are watching over us. You are closer to me than I probably even realize.


Cindy said...

Laura, I love this blog. You have me appreciating all of the small things in life that are so easily looked over on a daily basis. You are such a strong woman of faith and courage and I admire and look up to you in so many ways. I think it is amazing that you are expressing yourself this way, to Mikkie. Its beautiful and she's there all the time. I felt the same way about cemeteries before my Mom passed away. I find myself there so often now, even at night just to feel closer to my Mom, to feel comfort, peace and sometimes just to be alone. I'm praying for you and your family. Sending lots of love and hugs!

Brittany said...

Reading this blog is just breaking my heart. I hope you can always be at peace. I just wanted to share a blog with's
Their little boy drowned and I really like her October 26 2008 post about Tender Mercies...especially Tender Mercy #9. I hope this will help. I will be praying for your family.

Doty Family said...

A pink ballon. So sweet. Hope you are feeling a little better.

The Jessee Journal said...

Great post Laura. And WOW. That post that Brittany shared. WOW. That was the most incredible story ... that will forever stay in my mind ... I'm so glad that mother was willing to share her personal experience with an apostle of the Lord. Also, I noticed that her family created a tree at the Festival of Trees in honor of their little boy. I think that is a beautiful idea and a beautiful way to serve and to create a rememberance of their sweet baby. I think that could be a neat project for our family this year -- especially knowing how much you love Festival of Trees and Christmas. That would be a lovely tribute to Mikkie and a fun service project this holiday. Just an idea :)

James and Crystal said...

Laura, you are an amazing strength to those around you. I wish I could be that strength for you. Our prayers are with you every day, and if you ever need anything we would love to help. I hope I can gain the faith and strength you have, and I hope that you can keep that faith and strength strong.

URFAVE5 said...

Hi there! I don't know you at all! I happen to stumble upon your family blog and then was led here. I just wanted to first off say that I am deeply sorry for you and your loss. My heart breaks for you. However, you are helping many people around you and even those that you don't know. You are one amazing women! I am so overcome with emotion at the strength and faith that you have. Hang in there. Time heals everything and the everyday life will get easier.
Please know that so many people, people you don't even know are praying for you and your family.

Take care,
JoLynn Ellsworth