Friday, August 20, 2010

Nightmare come true

Dear Mikkie,

It's been 6 days since you left, but I can still remember like it was yesterday.

I remember that morning vividly. I was in the bathroom getting ready and when you woke up, you and Faith stood right outside the door smiling. Your smile always makes me happy, no matter what. I returned your big smile, and as always that has you running into my arms. I got a nice big Mikkie hug in. Did you know you were going to leave? Is that why you made sure I got one last "Mikkie hug" in?

We talked about going swimming on our last day of vacation. I wasn't feeling completely up to par and thought of maybe just staying back and preparing dinner while you took a nap. For some reason I gave in to go swimming. I wanted to go to the outdoor pool to soak up some sun. We ended up going to the indoor pool. They had a place just outside to lay out.

You probably noticed, I started acting like a stinker, hurrying out the door to go. I didn't wait for daddy, but I knew you and Faith were running behind me. You can do stairs, but not very fast, so I turned around, picked you up and carried you down with me. Once at the bottom, daddy caught up and I passed you to him.

We walked right down the street to the pool, daddy got us in and without a word, I went outside to soak in the sun. This is the part that I wish with my whole soul that I could go back and change. I would not have gone outside, or I may not have come at all. I would have and should have stayed at the condo with you while you took a little nap. My heart aches when I realize that no matter how much I replay this scene in my head, the outcome is still the same. I cannot change a thing.

I sat there with really no thoughts in my head, except maybe I should go talk to everyone now so they don't think I'm ignoring them. Na, "I'll just stay out here a little longer", I thought, "I need to tan my pasty white skin." How selfish I was. At that moment is when I heard Tim scream your name that sent chills to my bones and made me bounce right out of my chair. without hesitation, I ran in to see....the image that now haunts my mind and dreams at night. You were face down in the pool, floating all alone until Grampa grabbed you.

I flung my sunglasses off and my legs ran without my mind thinking, and I heard a shrieking cry which I soon realized it was me who was making that noise. I've only heard it on movies, that cry of desperation, it always sent chills down my spine and I never knew that I'd be making that same noise one day. Grampa got you out of the pool, daddy ran to try and help, while I just stood there paralyzed screaming "Somebody help her. Breathe, Mikkie, breathe. Please breathe!"

I could barely stand the site of seeing you all limp. Limp like a ragdoll with no life at all. I prayed and I screamed, watching grampa giving you CPR, getting some water out of you, but no breath yet.

I had people to hang on, to clutch to while I cried until someone came to get you into the ambulance. They took you outside and with my legs barely useable, I wobbled out after you. you went straight into the ambulance and they wouldn't let me in. I turned away and fell on my knees, compelled into prayer after prayer after prayer. This was all just a bad dream, this couldn't be happening to me! Things like this only happen in the movies and to people I don't know. Not me. Why me? God, Why Me? I had to still hope, people kept telling me I still had to hope and pray. Show faith. So I did. I prayed like I've never prayed before, with all the energy of my heart and soul. With every fiber of my being. "God, please help my baby, please let her live!" I must've recited that every other line.

People had to help me walk as I barely had any strength at all. All I wanted to do was hold you, hold my baby girl, knowing that you would live.

They waited for what seemed like hours for the life-flight helicopter to get there. As we saw them carry you in, I saw it as a good sign and had hope. The nurse that checked you came up to us and I asked "is she ok?" and she said "I'm not gonna lie, she doesn't look good." that diminished my hope. what was I supposed to do now? I knelt down in prayer again thinking.....we prayed for experiences to build our testimonies....maybe this is just a test of faith. Right then and there, I decided to show faith, I had to believe that things would be ok. Tim and I felt a moment of peace. We turned to each other saying that we knew you would be ok. That boosted my hope again.

They wouldn't let me go with you in the helicopter. I wanted to scream, instead I cried. I wanted to be there with you, be there for you since I wasn't there for you when you needed me most- struggling for breath as you helplessly drowned. I wasn't there for you and for that I will always feel guilt. I'm so sorry. From the bottom of my heart Mikkie, I'm so sorry.

Your uncle Ryan drove us down to the hospital, which was his second time doing that for us that week. Remember when daddy had that fight with the bench and lost? ;)

That drive was the most excruciatingly painful long drive I've ever had. My arms were aching the whole time to hold you, and my heart was breaking. daddy kept trying to talk to me, but I wouldn't take my my mind off my prayers. He got a call from grampa and he told me that you didn't make it. I didn't cry, because I didn't believe. I had to believe that you were still fighting, that you would make it, that maybe you were gone but a miracle would happen to bring you back.

We finally made it to the hospital and we rushed in to see my parents and brother who had tears in their eyes. I didn't pay attention and just asked where you were. I hurried to find you and when I did, I ran up to your pale little body and cried, thinking why can't I have a miracle like everyone else. Why wouldn't God heal you, and bring you back to me? A nurse came in and said those words that no mother wants to hear, "I'm sorry, we tried everything we could." Did you, did you really?? Or did you just lose faith....has everyone just lost faith, am I the only one that is having faith for a miracle? Deep down inside I knew, but I didn't want to believe. I was in denial. I couldn't lose you, I can't live without my baby. But whether I want to or not, I have to live without you.


Anonymous said...

God bless you and your family, Laura. I am so sorry for your loss.

Doty Family said...

I'm so sorry.

joni&dallassill said...

I am so very sorry... I saw the story on the news and it broke my heart. I have a little girl about the same age and I can't even imagine....God bless you and your family during this time.

Anonymous said...

Again I find myself in tears. You are strong Laura, you and Tim both. Heavenly Father is there for all of us, in good times as well as bad. You help strengthen my faith, thank you.

Michelle Nielson said...

Laura I just wanted to tell you that you are not a selfish person. You never have been. I know of many people who would love to have someone like you as a mother. What happened was not your fault, I honestly believe that. She had such a strong spirit so pure and clean she only needed to be here a little while. My heart aches for you though as I can't imagine the pain your going through. I pray that heavenly father will bless you and your family with peace.

Jenny said...

Laura, I just cried as I read this sweet letter. I love what your Dad said at Mikkie's funeral, that it could've happened other times. We have a neighborhood pool, the first year we were here, Joe fell in the water...I didn't even know, my SIL Stephanie grabbed him out. I was clear on the other side of the pool, playing in the water with my brothers. Once when I was downtown, at a Christmas concert, I lost Hailey (my oldest, she was 4), I thought Dan had her and he thought I had her and for about 5-10 agonizing minutes we couldn't find her. I hope and pray you find peace in knowing how wonderful you are, and that the guilt for what happened will lessen for you. I love reading this and hope in some small way I can help. Love you!

Melita said...

Heartwrencing !! ..My heart goes out to you . May God bring you comfort , support and His love . My thoughts and prayers are with you all many hugs Melita xxx

Heather said...

Hi. I am a friend of Lisa's and was reading her site when she posted the link to yours. I am up early because I just had a bad dream that something was hurting my children and I couldn't do anything about it (pregnancy induced dreams are horrible). But after reading your story, all I can say is wow. I have not the words to say but my face is wet with tears that I feel for you and your loss. May your little girl be allowed to be your Guardian Angel and may your union be super sweet one day. May you sincerely be able to move on with faith.

Dusty and Amy said...

I love you, Laura. You are such a beautiful person. Little Mikki and Faith are such lucky and special girls to call you mother for eternity. I wish I were there to give you a hug. Know that you have people all over praying for you and asking angels to bear you up and support you. I pray too that your guilt will lessen as you lean upon our Savior Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. Love, Amy

Bridget said...

I am so deeply saddened for your loss. My tears flow for you and your Mikkie. May God grant you the wisdom to help Faith remember her sister.

My youngest son died two years ago tomorrow. The longing and the missing doesn't go away. And what scares me is how soft the memories of his brothers are. They are beginning to forget their time together. And it adds another layer of sadness.

Much love,

Liz said...

I just came across your blog. I lost my baby at 7 days old almost 2 years ago. I can relate to your pain and your questions. I have gone down that same path. I pray that you continue to be strong for yourself and for your family. Hugs!