Thursday, September 23, 2010

Bring it on

Sweet Mikkie,

Mikkie, I miss you terribly. Last night, after an extremely stressful day, I sat in your room by your crib for the first time. I don't know if it helped, but the agonizing pain flooded back and I was longing to hold you in my arms and caress your little body as I soothe you to sleep. I can't describe what I felt in words, it can only be explained through experience. I'm honestly surprised I haven't died from a broken heart by now.
My eyes are weirdin' out again. When I'm under extreme stress, my eyes dilate and I experience a weird phenomenon where everything seems smaller than it is. I've had it happen several times within the past few years. It's so weird.

I think there's only so many tears a human can produce, pain they can experience, trials they can bear....before you just feel like "What is the point?" Me and several people I know have come very close to that threshold. That's when you cling on to what you know to be true and just hope. Hope is all you can do. Hope that some miracle will come along, hope that the ratio will be evened out between the good and bad, the happy and sad. Hope that the future will be better and brighter. During several of my darker days, the quote "When things become more than you can stand, kneel" came to mind. You come to the point where you think, "Ok, I give up. I can't do this anymore, it's your turn, God. I'm completely and utterly helpless and I need Thy help. I cannot and do not want to do this alone."
During the midst of all these trials, that keep hitting one after another, day by day, you get kind of tired of crying, you've hit your threshold and like the talk I mentioned earlier "Come what may" just have to learn to laugh. Yea people will probably think you've gone crazy, but then who really cares what anyone thinks, right? I used to care a great deal, daddy thought I cared too much what people thought of me. Now I know the only opinion that matters now and will ever matter is God's. Maybe He's been trying to help me change my focus....focus on pleasing Him, making Him happy, focus on serving others which really is serving Him. "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these, my brethren, ye have done it unto me." I remember having an FHE lesson one time about that scripture. Your Grandma had all of us draw a picture of someone we don't really like (I won't say what mine was, cuz it doesn't even matter anymore) and we put the picture up on a board and got the dart gun out, blew darts at the picture and all laughed finding it secretly thrilling. Then came the big clincher. My mom took off all the pictures, and the paper from the board. Behind the paper was a picture of Jesus with all these holes in it. We just stared and immediately got the point as she read that scripture. How extremely wretched it is to know that every time we do or say something unkind to another person, we are really offending our Savior. That leads me into a whole other bunch of thoughts on service. But let me get back on track with what I was saying earlier...learn to laugh. I could use a lot more of that. I've turned on some Brian Regan and did that ever help. It feels so good to laugh! If something else hard comes along, I am going to laugh in its face and say, "Bring it on!" Your Grandpa would say "B.o.h.i.c.a...... Bend over here it comes again". :) Everyone has their own little saying, mine is Bring it on. If God thinks I can do it, then I just put my trust in Him and do all I can.

When I need a laugh and something to make me smile, I look back at all the cute, precious movies we have of you that I will treasure always! This one in particular hits my funny bone. I think your mom was a little slap happy that day and I'm sorry we used you as our source of entertainment this way. But you gotta admit, it's a little were laughing so it had to be funny, right! :)

I love you Mikkie baby!

Love, your mom who will learn to laugh during the hard times, saying Bring it on!


Traci said...

That video is hilarious! Any time I see a video of yours, the thought for me is always that she had an amazing (almost) 2 years on this earth with parents who couldn't have loved her more. She was a very lucky little girl to be born to your family, Laura and Tim. Plus her extended family is pretty great, too! I know she must have felt SO loved!

James and Crystal said...

You have such a bright out look on everything even though you are hurting so much, you can do it, and it is okay to cry it's worse to keep it in.

Terri said...

This is a darling video! Even when Mikkie was being hit with something, she laughed and bounced right back! That's what we have to keep doing... Smile and bounce back! (Easier said than done sometimes.) The Harper family has been hit with some interesting trials in 2010. Just gotta keep bouncing back! Love you much, Laura!

Jenny said...

Haha...What a cute little laugh! I love your outlook and the things you share. You are like a breath of fresh air Laura, and I appreciate you sharing what you are learning. Even though my trials are not even close to what you are experiencing right now, I am so grateful for your testimony and how it influences me to want to be a better person. Love you!

Lisa R.D. said...

I loved this video... even more this time around than when I saw it the first time. Her laugh is so precious. I'm so glad that you took so many pictures and videos of her! Thanks for another great post.