Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Tear Soup

Dear Mikkie,

I haven't played the piano much since you've been gone, but I played a lot yesterday. As I opened the book, some crinkled sheet music fell out and I immediately thought of you. I slowly learned my lesson to put the sheets on top of the piano instead of the bench, as you would come along, scrunch them in your tiny hands and take off. If I didn't take them away right then, they'd be history. The same with books, which is right next to the piano. If you were left alone with those books you'd shred them to nothin. All in that whole second I opened the piano book, all those memories flooded my mind. I'm glad they did. Most of them make me smile and laugh. You truly were a shining star in my life and always made me happy.

I just read a short book a friend gave me called, "Tear Soup". It shared some interesting, neat and surprising insight. One thing that surprised me the most was when it said
"Even some of Grandy's friends hurried past her house and pretended not to notice the aroma of tear soup coming through her open door. Grandy found that most people can tolerate only a cup of someone else's tear soup. The giant bowl, where she could repeatedly share her sadness in great detail, was left for a few willing friends."
Daddy and I can see that too. There have been times where I walk away not able to control my tears, and only a few follow to comfort me. Some just can't handle another's sorrow. Why does crying make some people uncomfortable? I just don't get it. Do you? You probably have a much better understanding than I do. I'm not saying everyone has to cry along with me all the time, but a thoughtful ear, a hug or just a knowing look.
"Don't assume because your friend is having a good day that it means they are over their loss." Sometimes I feel I have to show I'm sad to let people know I'm still grieving. I can tell which people really care and which ones just pretend to not know, as if I'm supposed to recover from this already. Even though I find much comfort in the knowledge I have, I will always feel the pain of not having you here with me.
I'm so grateful to have the few people who are still listening, not caring whether I cry, scream or laugh, they know I'm always hurting either way. Even if there was no one here that cared, I know that there's always at least one whom I can count on to be there for me, my Heavenly Father. Even if I'm not saying it out loud, He can hear me. That's the ultimate friend, one who can know what you are thinking without having to say it.

I love you and I'm sorry sometimes you don't hear from me for days. It does not mean at all that I'm not thinking of you; I am always thinking of you.

Love always,

mommy

6 comments:

Kristy said...

I picked this book up the other day at Barnes & noble. Made me cry right there... *hugs*

Lisa R.D. said...

This sounds like a great book. I hope you feel you can just be yourself around us... tears are always welcome (and will likely be shared). We love you!

Brittany & Garrett Best said...

With the loss you've had I don't think anyone should ever expect you to be over it. I am constantly thinking about you and your family. Love you Laura!!

Oregon Fam said...

My mom quit wearing mascara when Rick passed away. I started wearing only waterproof mascara when my mom passed away. You never know when your going to cry. And you should be able to stop when you're ready not when someone else is ready for you to. I wish I was there and could give you a hug whenever you need one not just when you cry 'cause sometimes people need them more when they aren't crying. We have the vase we brought home from Utah on the shelf in the kitchen. We call it "Mikkie's Vase". Hope you know we always think of you and love you all tons!!! Give Tim and Faith a hug for us too!

Traci said...

We, too, have Mikkie's vase up for us to always see, with a picture of the family next to it that Ry took and some flowers. I hope you know I'm here any time you want to cry... just a phone call away. I would love to be closer to you and Tim right now! I hope we will be able to see you some time soon.

Terri said...

When I was much younger, I remember having a really bad day. I was crying when my VT's stopped by and had a few tears all through their visit. They never asked why I was sad and never gave me a hug. However, last Friday at TOFW I was sitting next to a young mom from my ward, and I started to cry during a beautiful arrangement of, "Be Still My Soul." (It was FAR from still! Lol) My young friend put her arm around my shoulder and just hugged me all through the song. It was very sweet. May we always be on the look out for how we can love people through their tears! (and even the happy times) :)