Monday, September 13, 2010

Never, ever give up!

My dear Mikkie,

All it took was a little attention to the thoughts bombarding my mind, and it invited in the feelings of anger, guilt/blame, jealousy, bitterness, envy and hate. I have been plagued with those the most this past weekend. I was in the depths of despair. The best way I can describe it was I was trapped inside a shell with my own guilt, hate and pity, and the only person who could get me out was myself. But as soon as I tried, some unseen forces would drag me back down. I was trapped, I felt utterly alone and helpless. My spirit knew what I should be doing--which is why I still prayed and read good things.... but my natural man would take what I was doing and twist it into something that would make me angry all over again, it was a vicious cycle.
I hated people who had spiritual experiences, testimony builders, I envied anyone who still has all their children, I blamed myself, your daddy and even God.
Tonight I took my anger down to the punching bag and knocked the living daylights out of it. I literally knocked its bolt right out of the ceiling and it fell to the ground. So did I. Right then I made a decision. All it took was one little change of course in my decisions; and I made a decision to do this God's way. The other way just brings you untold agony, misery and darkness. Then the tears came. I was exhausted in every way possible. I begged God to take this away from me and begged for His forgiveness. Mikkie, I begged for your forgiveness as well, I'm sorry if I caused you any sorrow.
I then had a thought.... God was with me all the way through this, He never left me. God never leaves us, we turn our backs on Him. He was there reaching down to me, all I had to do was reach up to Him. I can't tell you how great (for a lack of a better word) that felt, to know that Heavenly Father loves me that much to never give up on me and to not scold, but welcome me lovingly with open arms when I turn back to Him.

Mikkie angel, I know you are in good hands. I know you are well. I know that everything will be alright. No matter what happens in this life, I know that if I continue to live worthily, I will be able to be in God's presence again, and be reunited with you, my sweet baby. I just have to keep trying my best, that's all God for us to keep trying! We can never, ever give up, for He will never, ever give up on us.
I have been filled with a renewed hope and strength than ever before, I can't begin to even express my gratitude to my Father in Heaven.

This has been one of my very favorite pictures of all times, ever since I got it back in Seminary days. :) It hits closer to home right now. I've felt like the frog that's about to be engulfed by it's predator...just strangle it and show it who's boss and it won't get the better of you. :)

With all my heart, I love you Mikkie!

your mom, who will never, EVER give up!


the harpers said...

You CAN do this!

I love you!

Traci said...

Great post, Laura. I feel like you have such amazing strength (not to mention your physical strength in knocking the bag to the ground!). I love you guys. I wish I could be closer. I pray for you every night, and cry for you as well. Lots of love for you in Washington. We miss you, Tim, and Faith.

Lisa R.D. said...

Wonderful post and picture. You are courageous in so many ways.

Terri said...

I haven't made any comments on here, Laura, but you know how much I think of ya and love you, Tim, and Faith! What a wonderful picture! I've felt like that frog once in a while myself. lol Good job on that great therapy you participated in! Can Tim put that punching bag back for another night? ;o)