Easter

Dear Mikkie,

What a beautiful Easter we had! I love this time of year and the reason we celebrate Easter- Jesus Christ, the atonement and the resurrection. All of which have a greater meaning to me now.

It is a very humbling thing to lose a child and to be on this side of the spectrum. I forget that people forget and move on with their busy lives; it's not their child, so it doesn't effect them the same or not at all.
I'm trying to remember what it was like before you died, how did I respond when someone else lost a loved one? I was very sympathetic and shared my condolences but we all go on, maybe feeling a little more gratitude to have our loved ones still.

Our savior experienced the most unexplainable pain when accomplishing The Fathers will through the atonement. He suffered in silence and felt like He was alone as He exclaimed, "Father if it be possible, let this cup pass from me, nevertheless not my will but thine be done.".
I remember begging God for the same thing only difference is instead of submitting to His will, I bitterly cried out "Why hast thou forsaken me?" (The same thing Christ cried out as He hung on the cross) when I realized It was not His will for you to live.
That's an extremely gut-wrenching realization to deal with.

Talking and thinking about the Resurrection brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart as I think of being able to see you again!
God has been my constant comfort in addition to sending angels, earthly and heavenly, every now and then, to help hold me up, to comfort and support me until that time comes to see you again. I've been needing that probably more times than others know. This has been and will always be a hard burden to bear; Though as I accept the Lord's gift of the atonement and lean on Him, putting complete trust and faith in Him... I will endure it well to the end.

Some gratitude

Sweet Mikkie,

Have I mentioned yet how much little Spencer reminds me of you? It's uncanny. What a blessing to have yet another reminder of my sweet little girl.
I can never have enough of those.

Daddy's been having a rough time with his asthma lately, another reminder of you though not the pleasant kind. I have a hard time seeing him struggle to breathe especially since it makes us both think about that unthinkable day. It's been a scary few days with that, which brings me to my gratefuls....

I'm extremely grateful your dad is doing a bit better. Breathing is kind of a necessary thing to live. I'm grateful for God's mercy in continuing to spare his life. I just may completely lose my sanity if I lost someone else.
As if we've forgotten, it's been an added reminder to cherish life and every moment we have with each other. Seize the moment and waste no time with the petty things.
I'm grateful to God for each and every moment of my life and my loved ones. Life surely is more bearable with them.

I'm grateful to God for continuing to spare our life each and every day, all it takes is for Him to stay His hand and we are gone.

I'm grateful for the few who still talk about you! Who continue to ask how things are or invite me to share my memories about you, even if I've shared them before... I only have a short span of 21 months to share. It makes me happy to talk about you and so I relish in every moment I get to reminisce of my sweet angel girl.

Thank you, our sweet guardian angel, for watching out for us. I've felt divine help on more than one occasion lately and know without a doubt you were the angel helping us.

I love you so very much! Know that there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of your sweet face.

Love always,

Mama

Distracted

My dear Mikayla,

2 months already... So much for the weekly reviews. I guess I need to make a goal to start my goal. Ha I have been thinking about my blessings, just haven't recorded them. I think it's more effective to write them down though, so here goes another try.
I've missed writing to you. So why haven't I? It's a therapeutic thing for me and I actually think I'm doing a bit better when I am writing you. So I don't really know why.

It seems like there's been one thing after another since your brother was born. It's like I was being tested to see if I really would look for the positive in hard times. I don't think I did the best but I did try. That's got to count for something right?

I'm very, very grateful Spencer hasn't got sick yet! He did have one fever but I felt more calm than usual when we took him to the doctor. After daddy gave him a blessing, the fever went away within a few short hours. I was for sure counting my blessings!

I'm grateful to have had a good recovery. The weird, annoying little problems I did have could have been a lot worse, and so I was counting my blessings then also.

I'm grateful that all the close calls with daddy's asthma/allergy saga didn't end up as trips to the ER; No more ambulance/ER experiences for me, thank you.

I'm grateful for good friends. The kind of friends you can vent to and talk their ear off and they're still there listening, and not judging.

I'm grateful for good health! This has been one nasty winter for sickness. It's been visiting and revisiting our neighbors many times, talk about relentless! I count myself fortunate that we're as healthy as we are.

I continue to see more and more how important it is to keep a positive attitude. Being negative can suck you down into misery. It's a choice we have to make each moment, each day.

I love my baby girl so much!!

Lots of love,

Mama

Christmas

My precious Mikkie,

I don't know why it's taken me so long to post this, I started writing it 2 weeks ago.

This Christmas was sure different and also better than last years. Christmas will always be bitter sweet, this one was especially. Welcoming your baby brother into our family on Christmas Eve was by far the best thing I could've asked for. I expected to be completely emotional in the hospital, but when he was born I felt no emotion, it was weird, probably because my emotions and hormones were overly exerted. I was relieved to have him here and have labor over with though. Every time I look into his sweet little eyes, I can't help but think of you. You were my last baby and all my memories come back as I remember doing the same things with you; changing your diaper, giving you your first bath, trying to soothe and calm you at night, being close as I fed you, rocking you in my arms, giving you countless kissies on the head.... as I do all this for little Spencer, I think of you, and I hold him a little closer, kiss him a little more, cuddle him a little more. You are not here to give hugs and kisses so maybe as I give both him and Faith even more extra hugs and kissies, you will feel them and feel my love for you, because you know if you were here, I'd hold you in my arms and never let go.

So I felt little to no emotion at the hospital, that is until your gramma and I started talking about you and how little Spencer was your gift to us for Christmas. That's when it hit me. Your brother, this angelic little bundle in my arms came directly from being with you. As soon as the nurses brought him to me, I held him close, gazing into his perfect little face and when he opened his eyes.....oh man, it gets me every time he opens his eyes, I sense the sweetest spirit. When he smiles, I know it's because he can see you and is letting us know that you are here with us. He looks so much like you! I didn't really realize it until I was looking at your baby pictures. How did I get blessed with such beautiful babies! :)

I was really wanting to be home with Faith for Christmas, so 24 hours after Spencer was born, we were able to go home. It was so sweet to see how excited Faith was to see her new baby brother. I just feel bad that she's been sick so hasn't really been able to get to know him and hold him. Rotten timing to get sick.

My thoughts have been with you even more so through the holidays and the arrival of your little brother. There has definitely been more tears recently. So many random times tears come out of nowhere. I wake up, tears well up in my eyes along with the ache in my heart. I'm sitting down minding my own business and I feel a flood of emotions. I look into Spencer's sweet eyes and the tears flare up again as I feel a sense of deja vu looking into big, beautiful, blue eyes. Just typing this has me crying. Your sweet presence is greatly missed here.

I love you so much!

Love,

Mama

Bits and pieces

Dear sweet Mikkie,

The subject of death has been on my mind a lot lately.... a pretty common topic on mind since you died. Most recently though because of quite a few things going on like your grandparents surviving what could have been a fatal car crash, some friends rushed to hospital or sick with untreatable illness, Faith and I also a gnat's eyebrow from getting smashed into (twice), dad having breathing problems with asthma..... it's all been a little overwhelming. Yet a continuous reminder how Precious life is, how fragile and short it is! At times like this I tend to experience major anxiety and I freak myself out by imagining the worst possible case scenarios for everything. Usually I'd be able to talk myself out of it, but now when a worst case scenario has actually happened, I know that anything can happen. What does this all lead me to? Feeling what I hate most... utterly helpless. I have no control over life and I know it, so I fall to my knees in prayer and first vent out loud to God all my frustrations, while sobbing with desperation. Then I ask what to do, because I never know what to do, I'm always in need of His help. I sit there in silence until I can sob no longer and my tears dry up. I usually always end up feeling good after, as if God heard every word and understands my pain and was there to comfort me. I may not get answers right then but I always receive a feeling of peace and feel like I can take on life again. I'm so grateful for that. I think I would probably go insane if I didn't have God to turn to. He is always there to my rescue.

It's been interesting hearing Faith bring up your accident a lot more lately. Out of nowhere, when we're just sitting at home or driving she'll start talking about it. How she doesn't want to go by pools, or else she "will drown and die like Mikkie", and how Gramma Harper was holding her to keep her safe from the pool and she saw me and daddy crying by the blue pool. It's just interesting the way she describes things and I try to help her express herself and make her feel comfortable about sharing her feelings. It's a good thing that she's coming out with it, even though it's in bits and pieces and over a long period of time. She was playing 'House' the other day with a friend and told me she was the mommy and he was the daddy and their baby and kid died. I didn't quite know what to say. That's normal to her, to have a child die in the family... what a sad reality that is for a child to live with. I hope I'm dealing with all this in the right way. I want to encourage her to talk about things, but there's been a few times where I feel maybe I talk about it too much that she acts uninterested and talks about something else. She is such a sweetheart and it melts and breaks my heart every time she talks about you. She really loves and misses you so much, Mikkie. As do I.

Christmas is coming up and is never an easy time. Last year was downright awful and depressing, I'm surprised I even survived it. This year is better, but it's still hard to look up and see your stocking, knowing that it will not be used. Last week your grampa, gramma, faith and I went to your grave and had a good cry. I needed a good cry, I had been holding it in for a bit. We had gone to see The Forgotten Carols a few days before and it was great! I didn't at all expect though, for him to sing his song "We can be together forever someday" at the end. When I heard the first few notes, a feeling of dread came to me, I knew exactly what song it was and I was not prepared for it. After they had sung the chorus a few times, he asked each of us to think of someone who couldn't be there that night whether they were overseas in Afghanistan or elsewhere or on the other side of the veil... and asked us to think of them while singing it. I of course immediately thought of you and I tried so hard not to lose control right there. My lips were sore after from biting them so hard, it took every last bit of energy I had to not burst into hysterics. Oh man, just thinking about it brings back the feelings. So it was since that night that I had been holding in my feelings.

How do you like your decorated grave? My favorite is the mini tree with star lights, they are perfect! Every time we go to visit your grave, I always think how surreal it all feels. That's the best way I can describe it, it is all so surreal and doesn't feel real. At the same time, it does, my pain and aching heart remind me of that.

I sure love you my sweet girl! I can't believe Christmas is coming up this weekend... Faith is extremely excited. If it weren't for her, it would be difficult for me to find excitement. She brightens things up around here, I just love her so very much! What a blessing each of you are to me. Truly, there is nothing more I want than to be with my family for Christmas. Stuff and things have no comparison to it. I will obviously have to settle with you being there in spirit, but as long as you are... :) it will be a great Christmas. Oh, and P.S. PLEASE tell your brother to hurry up and get here!! We are extremely anxious to see him!! It would be the best Christmas gift ever :) So, before Christmas would be nice..... not like you are in control, but maybe pass this along.... just sayin' :)

With much love,

Mama

Gratefuls W-Z

Dear Mikkie,

It's taken me long enough to finish this up! I got caught up in a nice long, relaxing Thanksgiving weekend with daddy and Faith. I love spending time with them. We went to Temple Square on Sunday to see the Christmas lights and every time we go there I think of the last time we went with you, just before we left for Bear Lake. I'm so glad we went, such precious pictures, videos and memories we got from it.

W- I'm grateful for Weather... the four seasons. Even though for a few years now it feels like there's only been 2 or 3 seasons.. I love each season and the change of weather, yes even the freezing cold...mainly because I love the snow! The land looks like a totally different place when it's covered in blankets of fluffy white snow.

X- I'm grateful for.... because this is a more tricky word, I'm going to improvise. I'm grateful for fede eX. :) there's the x. What a cool service to be able to have something delivered overnight if you need to.

Y- I'm grateful for Yards. I like having our own little space, and I even like to work in the yard and make it look beautiful, it's a good feeling :)

Z- I'm grateful for Zip lock bags. They are such a great convenience to me and make life that much easier :)

I love you my little girl!

Love,

Mama

Third Birthday

My sweet Mikayla,

I don't know why I've taken so long to write about this. Almost as hard as planning your birthday. I've never had such trouble planning a party before but this time it was like one mental block after another, the only thing I could think of was the theme being Stars, going along with "I am like a Star shining brightly". I was getting very discouraged because I wanted to make it a great party, where everyone would enjoy themselves while focusing on you, it just seemed overwhelming. I've never been able to live it down how I didn't throw you a big birthday on your first and only birthday here. I thought I would have another chance to do it the next year. I never should've waited.

So I kept thinking and thinking, and finally after talking with a few people they mentioned maybe you were trying to tell me something, to just keep it simple. How could I do that? I owe you a big party, but that's not what is important to you. I felt like that was the answer, so I just had family over for cake and ice cream where I had all your cousins help blow out your candles. It was sweet. I then shared what I believe your birthday wish would be:

There's a time for everything, a time to mourn which was more for August 14; and there's a time to celebrate which is what your birthday is about, celebrating your life and the time we had with you. I believe you wanted us to laugh and be happy. You were one of the most giggly, smiley, happy people I knew and if you were here you would have most definitely been laughing with that cute lil raspy voice of yours :).

We had your movie playing on the tv (compilation of all home videos, edited, with you in it) which was my favorite thing, I love watching that and am SO grateful we took all those videos of you! And the kids... and actually most adults were entertained with all the balloons floating around.

it was a simple, yet beautiful party. I believe you were there and could see you having the time of your life with all the balloons. Of course I cried throughout the day, it's only natural to miss your sweet presence on your special day, but even then I still felt peace and comfort the whole day. It was just a really nice day. I'm grateful for those who came to help celebrate you, you have so many people who love you!

Earlier that day, daddy. faith and I and some of my family visited your grave with beautiful flowers and 3 balloons that Faith picked out :) 3 because that's how old you would've been. I love my visits to your grave, and hope it is and continues to be a good memory for Faith. We talked about you together, which helps, I think she's still not sure how to express herself sometimes especially regarding you and what happened. Little things come out here and there and I take the opportunity to explain or just talk about things with her. She's an angel just as you are. Did I tell you that she made sure to tell me at least 5 times how much you love your cake? I made a purple glittery star cake and as I was frosting it she kept saying, "Oh, Mikkie really loves her cake, mom!" It made me feel good. I hope you enjoyed the whole day as I did.

Thank you for coming into our family and for filling our lives with so much joy, we had some great times! Thanks for continuing to be my angel, I love you so much!

Love,

Mama

Gratefuls Q-V

Sweet baby of mine,

Here I go on to the next bunch of gratefuls :)

Q- I'm grateful for Quiet moments. Life is always so full of noise and distractions, it's nice to have those quiet, peaceful moments where you can think and ponder,

R- I'm grateful for Raspberries. Raspberry anything I just love!

S- I'm grateful for Senses. All 5 of them. I'm so grateful to be able to see, hear, smell, taste and touch. I wouldn't want to be without any of them.

T- I'm grateful for Time. The time that we have is very short. It seems like time takes forever at the moment but in retrospect you realize it passed in the blink of an eye. Time is very precious.

U- I'm grateful for Unity that I feel in our marriage and our families. We're blessed to both have such great families and that we get along so well.

V- I'm grateful for Vacations. It's so nice to have occasional vacations to unwind and escape real life for a bit. I usually come back feeling refreshed and ready to take on life again, it's just nice to have those occasional breaks :)

Thanksgiving is in 2 days and I'm so looking forward to it! I love long weekends like this and that we will have more time with your daddy. I'm cooking the turkey, wish me luck, I hope I don't totally ruin our meal! :)

I love and miss you, Mikkie! You will most definitely be in our thoughts as we go through yet another holiday without you.

Til next time...

Love,

Mama

Gratefuls M-P

Dear Mikkie,

I've been meaning to get around to writing about your birthday, which was almost a week ago already, just hasn't happened yet. My next letter will be it though, I have some things to talk to you about.

Continuing on with gratefuls:

M- I'm grateful for (Faith blurted out Mikkie :) that's a given though and goes with Family :) I'm grateful for Modern technology. They have come a long way with things and it's amazing some of the things they can do nowadays to help people.

N- I'm grateful for Nail polish. I hardly ever am without painted nails, at least toes. If we're gonna have weird looking things like feet, I'm glad we have some polish to pretty them up! Too bad for guys :)

O- I'm grateful for Open spaces. The city is fun to visit and all and has most the shopping, but there's something about wide open spaces that makes me feel peaceful. That's one reason that I love about where we live, a little bit of Urban, but a whole lot more Rural areas. Just gorgeous and peaceful!

P- I'm grateful for Police. Even though I don't like them when they give me tickets :) A majority of them are decent, courageous men/women striving to keep peace and safety. It would be hard to do what they do, but somebody's gotta do it, so I'm glad they are willing.

Until next time, sweet girl.....

Love,

Mama

Gratitude days I-L

Sweet Mikkie,

I knew I wasn't going to be able to do this every day, it's more practical to do a few days at once.

So here's my days I, J, K,L.

I- I'm grateful for Ice Cream. I don't know if I inherited it from my dad or what, but I LOVE ice cream! In particular, Rocky Road, Cookies & Cream, Peppermint, Double Fudge Brownie, and Triple Raspberry Temptation (which sadly is no longer available- BOO!)

J- I'm grateful for Journals. I love being able to look back and read how I was feeling at certain times, or things that I learned, etc. I'm especially grateful for the separate journal I kept of you, Mikkie, with all the details recorded and things that I probably wouldn't remember if it wasn't written down. Journals, along with pictures and videos, are priceless.

K- I'm grateful for Knowledge. Our brains are amazing and capable of so much. I'm grateful for all the useful knowledge I've acquired over the years and for the most part, my brain can recollect it at a moment's notice... sometimes it takes over night to remember something, but your brain is always working on solving it. Amazing. :)

L- I'm grateful for Love. This world would be a scary place without love. Love for everyone, not just ourselves and our loved ones, but all our fellow brothers and sisters all over the world. Love makes the world go round, right? :)

I'm really loving doing this, keeps me focused on positive things.

I love you Mikkie!

Love,

Mama

Support

Sweet Mikayla,

I've been noticing more and more over the years, especially this past year how important it is to support people. It makes me feel important and like people care when they are there to support. Some of the greatest examples to me from my very first day here has been my parents. I can't think of one recital, concert, game, birthday, or other special occasions that they've missed. They've been a constant support to me and my whole family, all 6 of us kids, and continue to do so. As I get older, I look back and realize even more the examples they've set and the lessons I've learned from them. Maybe that's one of the reasons our family is so close because we've been shown at a young age to be there for each other. I remember all the things I've gone to see my siblings in at school or church or elsewhere. I definitely think there's a feeling of importance being felt. I know I do.

I'm so grateful for people who have and continue to support me and my family, through my whole life but especially throughout this last year. As I think back to last August and yes, of course I remember that excruciating pain but I also remember how much in awe I was at the compassion and support of people. So many people! Your daddy and I commented several times that we just couldn't believe the generosity and sympathy from people. We were and still are greatly touched by the bounteous support. I knew a majority of that would fade away as time went on, life continues on and everyone has schedules and a life to attend to. But I'm still being touched by spontaneous reaching-out and comfort people are still giving. I know that there are some great and very valuable lessons to be learned from all this grief, even some that cannot be learned any other way, but one of the lessons that I've been most impacted by is Support. Those who have been there for us especially on the hardest of days has meant more to me than anything else one could say or do, just showing up and being there, not having to say or do anything, means a lot. I realize there are situations which can't allow some to be here physically, and their thoughts are greatly appreciated. I've noticed a few times, not just at my events but others, when people show up briefly then need to leave. The fact that they took the time to show up and show their support touched me.

With all these great examples, so many just within our family, it's inspiring me to be a better support. I admit I haven't been the best I could be, I could make a bigger effort to be there more for others. So here's a renewed commitment to being a better support to others. I hate to cancel on people, it's not what I like to do, I like to keep commitments, but if it's between a 'better' and 'best' situation, I would choose the most important one. So many things to do, so many choices to make, but I pray I may be blessed to make the most important ones.

One of the most important decisions I made is to marry your daddy in the Temple for time and all eternity and to have Faith, you and your little brother. And I will never forget those who showed their love and support during those times and even now as we go through just as important, not as happy, but still important times.

I'm nervously looking forward to your birthday. Your birth is more of a celebration than your death...at least on this side of the veil, it's most likely swapped over there. But still I yearn for your presence and to get a "Mikkie hug" that I love and miss so much. I ache to see your sweet face in your highchair as you eat your cake and have fun, but I will just have to do the best I can without your sweet little body. At least part of you will be here right? I'm counting on you being present at your own birthday, in spirit.

I love you my Mikayla!

Love,

Mama

Thanks

Sweet Mikkie,

In Relief Society on Sunday, our lesson was on trials and adversities and how everyone is going through something hard and how even in times of trial, if we focus on our blessings and things we're grateful for, we will feel happier. The first thing she said reminded me of a quote I saw and think of often:

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Isn't that the truth! As I think of that, it helps me to not judge and realize that there's reasons for everything that people say and do (or don't say and don't do). We just never know what's going on in people's life. Outwardly they may put on a good show, but inwardly they're suffering greatly. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. If we all would give each other the benefit of the doubt as much as we dish out blame and judgement, our world would be a much better place.

The part about focusing on our blessings and things we're grateful for stood out to me also. Later that night my brother told me about a thing some people are doing for Thanksgiving. For each day, for 27 days, share something you're grateful for from A-Z. I'm a little behind on starting, but I want to do this as I know I feel a greater happiness when I'm focusing on the good and positive instead of the negative and bad. There are plenty of bad and sad things happening in the world and can easily bring us down if we let them. So, today would be letter H, but i'll start from the beginning.

A- I'm grateful for Agency. The fact that God gave us our free agency shows that He is a loving God. I hate being forced to do things, as I'm sure most people do. I know that means that we suffer consequences if we use that agency to choose wrong, but He probably knew that that's how we would learn best rather than by oppression.

B- I'm grateful for the Book of Mormon. Another testament of Jesus Christ. We are blessed to have these recordings in addition to the Bible, as it testifies of the Bible and has even more truths included. You cannot believe in the Bible and doubt the Book of Mormon, for they testify of each other. There's an unexplainable peace when I read the words from it and am grateful for the sweet witness I receive as I read.

C- I'm grateful for Chocolate. Who says your blessings all have to be serious? :) And I am serious about this, I am indeed grateful for chocolate, it's one of my guilty pleasures and it is more proof that God loves us. ;) It's just nice to be able to eat something so creamy and smooth...sometimes with a few chunky almonds, and taste the happiness long after you eat it. I mourn for your daddy who has developed a milk allergy, he might as well be allergic to happiness. ;) I'm kidding, but you get how much I love chocolate.

D- I'm grateful for Driving. Cars, that is. What an amazing invention. One thing is for sure, I would have made a horrible pioneer. It's amazing to me that we can get from point A to point B in half, probably more, the time than it does to walk. All with the comfort of heat and air and music! I feel blessed to have a working car to drive.

E- I'm grateful for Eating. Yes, I love to eat if I didn't make that clear with letter C. I'm grateful that I'm able to have food to eat. Not often enough do I think of all those without food and deal with hunger pangs on a daily basis. What an awful thing. I feel extremely blessed for the abundance of food we have in our fridge and pantry on a daily basis, we have never gone without. I laugh at myself in disgust as I remember times when I have complained that there's nothing to eat as I'm looking into a pantry full of food. Even if it is just rice and beans or top ramen, there are plenty of people would view that as a feast.

F- I'm grateful for Family. This letter happened to fall on Sunday, when we had that lesson in Relief Society and my family got together for an FHE. We all shared things we are grateful for and the theme seemed to be family. I felt the spirit strong all day and didn't get a chance to share my testimony at church, so my family had to once again endure my sobbing. I'm EXTREMELY grateful for my family. Good friends too, yes, but family is always there. At least mine is. I love how tight-knit we are and how close we've grown up together. I love that we can all get together and share our testimonies with each other and express our feelings without any judgement. Instead, we are there crying, laughing, talking and listening with each other. More than family, I'm grateful for Forever Families. It's always been important to me, but even more so now as we think of being together again with you, Mikkie. Nothing brings me greater joy than knowing someday we will all be together again, All of us, all my family including in-laws and friends I consider family that I love so dearly.

G- I'm grateful for Good entertainment. There's a reason why I say this instead of just entertainment. There's a lot of junk and time-wasting, iq-lowering, scum-filled (you get it) filthy entertainment out there. So I'm grateful for Good entertainment, and for the people who produce it and make it available. I love a good laugh and to hear a good joke, but not at the expense of virtue or good principles. It's hard to find a good, clean comedian nowadays that's why I love Brian Regan! I'm grateful for what he does and continues to provide good, family-friendly funnies. I love to watch movies also, so I'm grateful for the clean, good movies available that don't offend the Spirit as I watch.

H- this is today's. I'm grateful for Health, good health that is. As I sit here not feeling quite up to par today, and anytime I get sick I am grateful even more for good health. I'm grateful that we're alive and well and that, despite little things here and there, overall we enjoy good health and our bodies function properly. I know of people who have been suffering with illnesses for a long time, even most of their life and have left this world because of it. I'm so grateful for a healthy, working body! The body is an amazing thing and I enjoy being able to use it.

That has me caught up, now I will resume tomorrow with letter I. This is great, I feel better already just by doing those 8 letters of gratitude. I encourage everyone else to do the same whether it's writing it down or doing it mentally.

I'm so grateful for you, my sweet little girl. Your birthday is upon us in 2 days already, and there has been some greatly mixed emotions going on. I'll explain more later. I love you, Faith and daddy more than life itself. Thanks for giving me the honor of being your mother. I'm extremely and utterly blessed.

Love,

Mama

The "look"

Dear Mikkie,

As I was fixing Faith's hair in the bathroom today, I made a look that instantly made me think of you! It's that look that I loved about you, it makes me laugh and only you did it. It's amazing how much you look like me, it makes me so happy! Not that it's a bad thing to look like your daddy, he's got good looks :) it's just nice to see some similarity, especially since I'm the one that had you :) So when I see certain pictures of you that remind me of me when I was little, it makes me happy.

This picture is what came to my mind when I was fixing Faith's hair this morning...

It's not your usual smile, it's just that.....mischievous? look of yours. Whatever it is I love it.

One of the pictures of you that reminded me of me when I was a baby was this....

It's fun to see how much you look like both your mommy and daddy, and also to see how much Faith reminds me of you. There's times where I swear it's you.

We definitely have some gorgeous little girls! I'm excited to see what your little brother looks like and wonder who he's going to resemble most.

I love you sweet baby girl of mine!

Love me,

Mama

Feelings

My dear Mikayla,

You know, I have a whole bunch of thoughts run through my head all week long and make a mental note to write you about them but when it comes time to writing you, I can't remember! All I can remember is that I need to write to you.

My emotions have been all over lately. I've been noticing something about them. When I'm around certain people or places or hear/talk about certain things, it doesn't really hit me at the moment, but later when I'm home the tears just flow. It's not like anyone does anything on purpose, it's just small things that remind me of you that build up and just when I feel like I've handled the day well and put on a good show, boom. Ya, it's crazy. I'm crazy, I tell ya.

Last week was hard, some old feelings came back and hit me hard. I couldn't control it, well after thinking "It's not fair! It's not fair that everyone around me is happy with all their children and I can't." I couldn't help feeling it, so I just allowed myself to feel what I was feeling. Wow that sounded redundant.

I've been having a hard time lately with being happy. Well, I am happy but not 100% truly happy. That won't happen until we're all reunited and together again. Then I'll be blissfully happy. I somehow feel I'm letting you down or betraying you or maybe even forgetting you by being happy. This is normal, I've read that people grieving go through this. I also heard something about how we need to let go. I can't do that. In my mind, letting go means forgetting you, and I'm in no way going to do that. Holding on is what I want to do, what I need to do, for me. Holding on to memories of you is all I have; without them I would feel like you don't exist. And there's nothing that scares and hurts me more than to think of forgetting you like that. I already feel like a lot of people have forgotten and that pains me enough.

What gets me through my days is how grateful I am to have the rest of my family with me still. My personal 'hell' would be to be without my family; to be all alone. My aching to hold you is soothed a little when I hold and squeeze sweet Faith in my arms, and thinking of another sweet baby to hug and smother with kisses. Your daddy makes me so happy, I am incredibly grateful for him. I believe no one else could make me as happy as he does.

That's just our own sweet little family, when I start thinking of other family, I think how even more blessed I am to have such a functional, loving, close-knit family who loves me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my own mom to call up and ask for a recipe, advice, or just to talk or go on our weekly visits without her there to hug and comfort me and be my constant shoulder to cry on when I'm feeling down (which has been a lot more lately). Or not having my own dad there, who always makes me feel like his day just got better by seeing me, and not being able to sit in his den and talk about all sorts of things with him from everything from scriptures to jokes to you, Mikkie, to work, etc.... To not have my parents who have been nothing but the greatest example of love and service to me all my life.

Having all of this and more is what makes me happy enough to get me through my day. I am happy, but I will be ecstatic and overwhelmed and bursting with unfathomable joy when we're all together again. I don't get really excited about a whole lot anymore, but when I think of that, my heart overflows with excitement. I cannot wait for that day. It can't come soon enough.

I know God wants me to be happy and I know that it's got to be hard for you to see me struggling so much; and for those reasons, I will continue on with hope, strength and taking on each day the best that I know how.

I love you so much, Mikkie! I always have an image of your sweet face in my mind. I'm looking forward to when that image once again becomes real right in front of me.

Love,

Mama

Sustained

Dear Mikkie,

In church on Sunday, we had a great lesson. The teacher asked a question open for comments, asking what's something you've gone through where you've felt sustained?

A few times came immediately to mind, but I wanted a chance to hear how other's have felt sustained through tough times. I didn't get a chance to share my thoughts, but as I sat there thinking I realized how blessed I am. God has not given up on me or forsaken me once, not once. There have been many, many times since you died that I felt like giving up and didn't want to go on anymore living with this pain and grief the rest of my life. As I look back, I know why I am still here today and how I made it through those times (and still do). God has sustained me through my difficult times, lifting me up, strengthening me, comforting me when I feel little to no desire to move forward. He was there, continues to be there for me, sustaining me through my trials and times when I want to give up.

After the comments were done, the teacher left us with a poem. It brought tears to my eyes as I can testify how true it is. The poem reads:

It Takes Just a Moment

It takes just a moment, for your world as you know it to be shattered by one simple word

the doctors words cut right to the core of our souls

It's cancer was all that was heard

It takes just a moment, to re-evaluate your priorities in life

life and death are out of our hands

it's fragile at its best so live each day to its fullest.

It takes just a moment, to put family and faith at the top of your list

to ask for forgiveness of those you have hurt,

to hug and kiss all the loved ones you hold so dear to your heart

to say I Love You just because you're you.

It takes just a moment, to share a kind work with a stranger

to smile at the person next to you on the elevator or standing in line

to hold open a door for the one walking behind you.

It takes just a moment, to share an act of kindness before it's too late.

It takes just a moment, to get down on your knees

to pray to your Savior for forgiveness and love

It takes just a moment, so make every moment count as one day there will be no more.

As you can imagine, it hit real close to home with me, though the beginning for me would have been a little different.... my world shattered when I heard those 4 words, "She didn't make it."

Before, that would have been just another touching poem, but now it is reality, not just a story and I feel so strongly about it all. I wish the whole world would listen if I shouted out "Don't take life for granted! Live every day as if it were your last! (or any of your loved ones). You never know when time is up."

Anyways, I'm blessed so much. So blessed to have a God who loves me so much and strengthens me when I'm weak, lifts me when I'm down and sustains me when I feel there is no way I can possibly go on.

I'm blessed to have 2 sweet angel girls and a baby boy on the way! I would do anything in the whole world for my children. I treasure you more than any earthly treasure. I love you so much.

Love,

Mama

Mikkie talk

My dear Mikkie,

Lots of things going through my mind again. Many things to think about and ponder.

We went to your grave the other day. I go every week and look forward to that time to clean up your grave and spend time there. I like to have Faith come with me. I talk with her about you and told her what a great sister she was to you. The rest went like this:

"Yea. And we have a new baby brother!"

"Yup, and he's up there right now with Mikkie in heaven."

"They are? Is he going to fly in a helicopter?"

"NO! Definitely not. He's going to grow up to be a big boy! He's just visiting with Mikkie in Heaven before he comes here, having fun with her."

"Yea! Like growing crab apples and flowers!"

"........um, ya....huh? Sure yea, they're growing crab apples, why not!"

It was the sweetest conversation. That is one of the things I love about Faith. When the mood is sad or bleak, she, like you, can always make me smile and laugh. Always at the right time. I'm grateful for that.

It makes me happy to hear things about you. For example your sweet little cousin who came here shortly after you left, the other day pointed to a picture of Jesus while saying his name, and right after went over to your picture and pointed at you. Her mom told me she did this twice that day. It sent chills over me that she made the correlation between you two. It's amazing how in tune little kids are! It was another comforting assurance to me that you are indeed safe with Jesus and that life after death is real. I wish I could read her little mind to know other things she has to say about you. I'm looking forward even more to seeing your little brother! I just know it's going to be a sweet experience. Faith's and yours were too, but this one I think will be extra special. I secretly hope that he will be born able to talk to tell me all about things. :) Wouldn't that be nice.

I hope you are having fun growing your crab apples and flowers. :) I love you very much!

Love,

Mama

Drowning

Drowning. What a terrible word. It's such a hard word for us to hear now, but it's constantly on my mind, like a recurring nightmare or an unwelcome guest.

Drowning. It's how I feel. Inundated with emotional trauma, sometimes gasping for peace, for solace, overwhelmed. I've come to experience mental illness in a very real, very personal and physical way. For the first 6 months of your passing I felt I did so great, but then, seemlingly out of nowhere, came the PTSD, the anxiety, the insomnia, and the crowning jewel of them all, depression. It's interesting how big of a difference it makes when your brain is not quite all right. The world turned grey. Things that once filled me with laughter, color, excitement, ambition, joy, happiness, peace, rendered effectless. It's hard to focus, and sometimes even harder to find energy to make myself focus. I feel like such a different person than I used to be.

Fortunately, I have my family, your mother, your sister, your future baby brother, my parents, and the rest of my loved ones, and that is the core thing that gives me meaning and purpose. And, of course, returning to be with you again. Without that, I'm not really sure what I would do. A while ago in Sunday school we were asked to think of Heaven, what it would be like. I immediately thought of being with you, and my whole family again. If that didn't happen in heaven, then I would say, without the slightest hesitation, to sign me up for whatever program that did include us being together forever. The teacher then explained that we could create that heaven on earth and have it now. Oh how I wish! It seems that a big piece of my heaven has to wait.

I've written some songs for you since you passed. They'll never be radio hits, they're full of emotions that will make most people probably feel uncomfortable, but they are from my heart. I was working on becomming a better singer so I could record them, but became so much involved in other important priorities in my life that I had to put singing on the shelf for a bit. I'll continue again and I will record them. When I play them on the piano it makes your mom cry. Here are the words to the one I sang by your grave last month:

I close my eyes, I think that I can see your face
And feel your embrace, leave a warm impression on my soul
I open my eyes, I see photos and marks on the wall
They remind me that you were real after all

I gasp, because the air is thick
I can't breath anymore, I'm feeling scared
Come quick, because I'm feeling sick
I don't know how much longer I will last

How can I consolidate all of my regret?
In a single breath: Every day I didn't bless!
Time goes fast, and yet now it seems to stand so still
Leaving me here, halfway between well and ill.

I gasp, because the air is thick
I can't breath anymore, I'm feeling scared
Come quick, because I'm feeling sick
I don't know how much longer I will last

I hope an angel came to your side!
I pray that you had a warm guide!
I feel like part of me has died, inside.

After I wrote this, I had these words come to my mind, and I'm pretty certain that they came from you, so this is how the song ends:

I'll pray I can always be by your side
I'll always be your warm guide
I hope that you have joy and peace, inside

I love you Mikayla and I miss you sorely. Heartache is real physical pain, and sometimes it just hits me so hard, how awful it is to be here in life without you, to have lost you for a time. My muscles give way and I collapse into a ball, crying uncontrollably, sobbing like a man who has lost what is most dear to him. Because I absolutely have. I know I will be able to be with you again, but it just seems SO FAR AWAY. This isn't to take away from how grateful I feel that I have your mom and sister with me. If anything, my pain of missing you has enabled me to feel more love and more gratitude for every day I have with them. I feel more in love with your mom right now than ever before, she is an amazing person (I know you know it, but it is worthy of repeating for repeatings sake). And you're an amazing person. I love you Mikayla, I miss you, I sometimes think I can feel your hugs, and I really appreciate them. Keep them coming, please, until the day I will be able to hold you in my arms once again and once again get the full thing.

Love,

Dad.

Talking about you

Sweet Mikkie,

Something else has been on my mind, shocker huh! Well After being around many people and taking more notice, I have to tell you. It's not right that I should feel nervous or awkward when bringing you up or saying your name. Everyone likes to talk about their children. Just because you died doesn't mean that I don't still love to talk about you, it makes me happy. I think often people don't say anything just to spare my feelings, but what they don't know is that that makes me feel worse.

"Family means nobody gets left behind OR forgotten." That's become one of my favorite quotes since you died. It's from a cartoon, Lilo & Stitch. Who knew cartoons could be so enlightening. By people not talking about you or afraid to even mention your name, it makes me feel less like you even exist and more like everyone has forgotten you. It really hurts. I know it's normal and natural for others to go on like we can't, but just knowing that people remember you and to hear your name gives me warm fuzzies inside. I want to be able to mention you without the awkward silences and glances. I want others to feel comfortable talking about you too. Maybe some people are afraid I'll cry and feel uncomfortable with my sorrow, so they leave it be. Sure, I may get tears in my eyes every now and then, but I'm not going to bawl in front of just anyone... my grief is special to me in a way, something that no one understands and is very fragile. I think the only thing I would have a problem with talking about is the day you died and the details. It's like pouring lemon juice over a cut and feeling the intense pain and guilt all over again. It's understandable for people to feel uncomfortable talking about that part. What I want to talk about is you when you were alive! You left us with so many good memories and lessons to learn. You made me laugh and smile so much, and continue to do so as I recall those cherished moments.

I'm not going to let people forget! Whether they are uncomfortable or not, I will and am going to talk about you and say your name as if you were still here. Because you still are here, we just can't see you and I want you to see how proud I am still to this day to talk about my sweet baby girl, and how much joy and honor it brings me to be your mother. I'm incredibly blessed.

I love you and always remembering you!

Love me,

Mama

Difficult

Dearest Mikalya,

Right now I feel angry, frustrated, hurt, sad and just exhausted. I've had all these emotions flood me today and it's been difficult. Everyone has down days, it's ok to have them... I don't think it's normal if you don't. I think it's silly how we feel like we have to put on an act for everyone pretending like everything's ok all the time.

I think what's started this, which has been building up for a few weeks now, is some things that people say. Not comments directed at or for me, but it still hurts. It's how they say that if you pray hard enough things will work out. Really? Because I'm pretty sure if I prayed any harder, I would've died from exhaustion and a broken heart. How much and how hard you pray does not alter the way things end up. You can pray your guts out like I did, and things just happen the way the Lord wants, not how you want. Some get lucky and things work out for them. Life is just unfair like that sometimes, or fair, whatever side you're looking at it from.

That's the other thing that hit me again today, which hasn't for a while. There have been some people having to run their children to the hospital because they stop breathing or have had close calls and their agony ends with relief. Today I just felt bitter all over again after hearing this and like I felt right after you died, I was bitter! Why should they live and not my Mikkie. Not that I want anyone else to die, but I want you to live too. I surprised myself because I haven't felt like this for a while, goes to show that things definitely do not magically get better after the one year mark. That quote still stands true, "Grief is linear."

I probably sound like a whiner, but hey I'm just allowing myself to feel the way I feel. This is how it is now, I'm being honest with myself and I just deal with it.

I miss you so incredibly much! I wish I could know how to deal with all this better, but I'm imperfect and am just trying to get through this life one day at a time.

I love you very, very much Mikkie.

Love,

Mama

Things you did

Dear Mikkie,

The other day we were watching your cute little cousin over here. I think about you a lot when I see her. Maybe because, first of all she was born 2 days after you died. I don't think I was able to show my proper excitement because of my grief. It was special to me though because she is my sister's baby, and I know that you and her were able to see each other right before she came to Earth. When she pointed at your pictures, I knew that she knows you and that she remembers. Darn it all, if only she could talk!! I'm highly convinced that babies can't talk for a reason. They would tell us everything. By the time they can talk, it's all faded from their memories. That's my honest opinion anyways.

You had this cute little car that you would ride on and push. I leave it out in the toy room, but I don't let Faith's friends play with it, because it's too special to me. Kelsey was drawn to it and wanted me to carry it downstairs for her while Faith rode on her toy car. As I saw her push it around and play on it, I saw you. It made me smile, it made me cry. I knew I hadn't gotten a picture of you playing on it, which still makes me so mad. So I took one of her on it.

Remember how mischievous you were? Cute, but mischievous. :) You would always get into our pantry, get into the bucket of oats and throw it all over the floor. I feel silly for getting upset about it then. If I wasn't so focused on acting so stupid, I could've gotten a picture of you doing it. Another thing chalked up to regret. Well, Kelsey did the same thing. Too funny. She was too quick for me to get her picture, but I did get one of the mess.

It instantly made me smile and laugh. This little girl was a non-stop reminder to me of the things you used to do. I loved it! Made me feel like those times actually did happen and I'm not just dreaming the whole thing up.

I'm thinking you put her up to all of this. :) If you did, thank you! I love these sweet little reminders of you. It hurts a little, but the happiness exceeds it. I don't mind the pain, it makes it feel more real because I'm missing something I remember and that I truly cherish.

I love my sweet, sweet Mikayla! You are indeed in my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams.

Love me always,

Mama