Things you did

Dear Mikkie,

The other day we were watching your cute little cousin over here. I think about you a lot when I see her. Maybe because, first of all she was born 2 days after you died. I don't think I was able to show my proper excitement because of my grief. It was special to me though because she is my sister's baby, and I know that you and her were able to see each other right before she came to Earth. When she pointed at your pictures, I knew that she knows you and that she remembers. Darn it all, if only she could talk!! I'm highly convinced that babies can't talk for a reason. They would tell us everything. By the time they can talk, it's all faded from their memories. That's my honest opinion anyways.

You had this cute little car that you would ride on and push. I leave it out in the toy room, but I don't let Faith's friends play with it, because it's too special to me. Kelsey was drawn to it and wanted me to carry it downstairs for her while Faith rode on her toy car. As I saw her push it around and play on it, I saw you. It made me smile, it made me cry. I knew I hadn't gotten a picture of you playing on it, which still makes me so mad. So I took one of her on it.

Remember how mischievous you were? Cute, but mischievous. :) You would always get into our pantry, get into the bucket of oats and throw it all over the floor. I feel silly for getting upset about it then. If I wasn't so focused on acting so stupid, I could've gotten a picture of you doing it. Another thing chalked up to regret. Well, Kelsey did the same thing. Too funny. She was too quick for me to get her picture, but I did get one of the mess.

It instantly made me smile and laugh. This little girl was a non-stop reminder to me of the things you used to do. I loved it! Made me feel like those times actually did happen and I'm not just dreaming the whole thing up.

I'm thinking you put her up to all of this. :) If you did, thank you! I love these sweet little reminders of you. It hurts a little, but the happiness exceeds it. I don't mind the pain, it makes it feel more real because I'm missing something I remember and that I truly cherish.

I love my sweet, sweet Mikayla! You are indeed in my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams.

Love me always,

Mama

Being real

Sweet Mikkie,

I had a good experience on Sunday. A friend came up to tell me how they saw the thing I wrote about Forgiveness Day. She started crying saying how hard it is and began explaining how she felt. I told her that it's not something that just happens overnight, it takes time. She kept crying saying she doesn't have any friends to talk to about it and we just stood there hugging. It was a touching example to me. An example of the power of caring, listening, taking time for others, of being real with someone. Let me explain by what I mean by that.

For a while now it has really bugged me how the phrase "how are you?" seems so meaningless. I wonder why sometimes the only thing I can think of to say is 'how are you?' and question the sincerity of the question as someone says it in passing, not waiting for the answer. It's just been something that's always been eating at me. Until last week when daddy and I went to listen to a local speaker who is very knowledgeable in relationships. He gave some examples of some personal experiences at funerals, which hit home with me as he was talking, although I couldn't believe some of the things that he heard. An example of being real he gave was people would come in the line, asking how they were doing, when it's obvious that they had just lost a loved one so they're not doing all that dandy. When another person, instead of asking how they are doing because it was apparent they were grieving, stated, "I can't believe how you must feel" or "You seem so strong". One simply said they didn't know what to say to which the father stated "there's nothing to say" and they all just hugged and cried together.

Another example of being real is some people were asking what they could do to help and to let them know if they need anything. A lady back in the line was being real and took notice that the family was parched; she ran to get some cups, filled them with water and took it to them stating, "you look like you could use a drink".

Back to my experience, I realized I could've just asked my friend how she was, like most times, going : "how are you?" "good. how are you?" "good." It just seems so artificial to me. Instead of asking that question, I thanked her for her kind comment, leading to the rest of the story. It just hit me, when that happened, thoughts of what I learned a few days prior flooding my mind, I need to be real with people. I then told myself I'm not going to ask that question unless I really want to know and am going to stick around to listen, otherwise it has just as much meaning as not saying anything. I still wondered why I say it. It's a habit, I think, for people to ask. We don't want to be rude and not say anything but can't think of anything else to say, so the backup question is that. Some I talk with agree and say we're trying to fill gaps so there's no "awkward pauses" when really silent pauses are ok! A simple smile, hug or "Hi!" will suffice in most circumstances. I don't know if anyone besides me has felt like most the time people expect you to answer with "good". Obviously there are times where things shouldn't be shared, but I think more times than not we all just need someone who cares and will take time to listen.

Just something that's been on my mind. I've had lots of time to think about it. :)

I don't know if it's because my body is recuperating from the overwhelming emotional day on the 14th, but this past week has felt so surreal to me. It's so weird, it's the best I can explain it. Besides yesterday, I've felt little to no emotion since then. Maybe one of our bodies coping mechanisms? This happens off and on. Weirdest feeling.

Well, I sure love you sweet girl of mine.

Love,

Mama

One year mark, in pictures

On our way to church, we saw this beautiful view over the lake; the rays of sunshine beaming through the dark clouds. I loved it.

Faith said, "Mikkie come!"

What?

"Jesus come get Mikkie!"

I wasn't sure exactly what she was talking about, but it made me feel happy cuz she related it with you. :) Isn't it beautiful!

Your headstone, fit for the sweet angel you are!

Your loving sister who loves to visit your grave and bring you flowers!

White balloon tradition for national "Forgiveness Day"

Thanks to Lisa, we have these pictures of the balloons! My camera died (just like on your birthday...sigh, but by the time it was butterfly and bubbles time, I remembered my iPod :)

Ready for take off......
Up, up and away! Awesome, huh! Did you get all 25 of them? :)

Bubble time!

Faith loved the butterflies the most. I could just see you trying to pick them up by their wings and giggling. :)

Forever Family!

One year mark, in words

My dear Mikkie,

We made it through! Thanks to the incredible amount of love and support from everyone, and being blessed with strength from Heavenly Father, we made it through the day, the week, the whole year!

As much as I wanted to fast forward time, I'm glad I couldn't because yesterday was necessary. It was very emotionally exhausting, yes, but therapeutic also. I was glad to have that time dedicated to honoring your memory. Wouldn't say it was a good or fun time, but it was a beautiful experience.

One year ago:

Woke up quickly, started getting ready while daddy got you and Faith up. In the bathroom mirror I see two pairs of blue eyes smiling at me, I turn around and smile at you and Faith. You come running up to me giving me that Mikkie hug I love and miss so much. That's as far as I dare bring up to memory, but I do remember that was the last hug I gave to you alive.

One year mark, yesterday:

The night before, Faith was sleeping on our floor, I came in to go to bed and when I saw her I knelt down by her, stroking her face and hair, while whispering to her how very much I love her and how beautiful she is and how much she reminds me of you, Mikkie. I soaked in that moment of peace and sweetness. I gave her a tender kiss on the cheek and reluctantly went to bed with thoughts of my sweet angel girls in mind. I woke up slowly just laying there in bed remembering what day it is. I saw Faith still on our floor and that's when the tears first came that day. We were so exhausted from the day before, so we slept in. I had the thought that it's ok if I stayed home because of how yucky I felt inside and out, and I know that people would've understood, but I would've rather been at church bawling with loving and supportive friends than staying home grieving alone. I couldn't justify not going to church, so I finally got up and started getting ready. I heard Faith wake up and in the mirror I saw a pair of blue eyes smiling at me, though I could picture yours next to hers as well. I turned around and gave her a big hug.

The difference between the two? The first one I was in a hurry, kind of all happened in a blur. Yesterday I slowed down a bit, soaking in these precious moments. I try to do that more often. Life's always crazy, will always be stacked up with to-do's and schedules, but taking the time for those times and people that matter most is what it's all about.

I made it to church, not without tears, but there were friends there to comfort and hug me. Some had left some balloons and hearts all over our front yard that morning saying they were thinking of us, it really touched me.

We headed over to Gramma and Grampa's house after with other immediate family members. At your gravesite we had a little program of sorts where Grampa and daddy shared their testimonies, words of hope and sweet memories of you. It was nice weather, not too hot, then the sun came out, the heat turned on full blown. At first I thought how miserable it was going to be sitting out in that heat, being pregnant. It didn't take long for the part of my song to come into my mind, "everytime I feel the sun shine through the clouds, I'll think of you, letting me feel the warmth of your love". I immediately felt your love, bringing on another flood of tears. The sun shined brilliantly on us the remainder of the time.

We then sung primary songs including your favorite, I am Like a Star. I still remember singing that to you when putting you to bed, seeing a huge grin on your face. Following, daddy sung his song that he has been working on so hard for a while. It was a perfect tribute to his little girl. I always cry when I hear it, this time was no exception, the pain was quadrupled.

Aunt Tammy had bought some butterflies that came in some envelopes so we could release them and watch them all fly up in the sky. It didn't happen that way, but I liked it better the way it turned out. The butterflies slowly wobbled their way out and struggled to flap their wings. We had that time to take pictures and hold them and just watch. They did eventually fly away. Tammy explained the reason for the butterflies, it represents change and how we have all been changed for the better because of your sweet life and the memories you left. They were beautiful, and it was everything I hoped it to be. I brought out the white balloons after, giving everybody one, reiterating my plan of Forgiveness Day. We all thought of a name of who we were going to forgive/seek forgiveness from and let them up in the sky all at once. The white was a striking contrast against the clear blue sky, it was incredible.

One last thing I brought out, bubbles. Gave one to all the kids and watched as they all had fun blowing and chasing the bubbles. You loved bubbles. I loved blowing them for you while you giggled as you popped them. I hope you loved everything we did in honor of you. We all love you so much. Daddy and I were talking after how much it meant to us for those who were able to come, to take time out of their schedules and dedicate that time to you. Also for those who were unable to come but still took time to remember and honor you. You are so very loved and remembered by so many, Mikkie!

Later on that night, we turned on your dvd, home videos all of you! Those who were still there watched with us as we laughed and cried. I tried to cry, but I couldn't. I was physically unable to cry anymore, I was that exhausted. But I was ok with that, I had time to cry and to mourn, now was the time to feel at peace. As daddy and I were driving back home we both commented how we felt at complete peace. There's a time for everything, a time for mourning, a time for laughter, a time for peace and tranquility. I'm grateful for being able to feel all of those.

It took me a matter of minutes to fall asleep, only to be woken up an hour later by Faith. There was a crazy, wicked storm outside, thundering, lightning, ferocious wind and rain. I don't blame her for coming in, it kind of scared me too. It was unlike any storm we've ever seen before, extremely powerful. Faith climbed into bed with me and we fell asleep as I patted her back and told her that everything is going to be alright.

I'm still exhausted today and am glad to have this time to relax and recuperate :) I still feel you with me, just as I did yesterday. Thank you for that. I love you, my little girl.

Love me,

Mama

In Memory of....

Sweet baby of mine,

It's inevitable, your one year mark is upon us. There's no more denying, I might as well face it as best I can.

I have been thinking and pondering much over the last several months of how to make this day a little more bearable, a little more meaningful. There's so many days on the calendar that are declared 'national pancake day', 'national eat soup day', 'national cow day', etc; I figure if all those seemingly ridiculous "national days" can be made, I can declare my own, but not ridiculous, something meaningful. I want everyone to remember you, even if they don't know you, to remember what we learned and how we were affected from your life and death. After much, much thought and even prayer, the idea came.

To anyone who may be reading this blog and everyone else:

I've had many people say that they want to do something for us but they don't know what. If you would like to do something for not just us and in memory of our sweet girl, Mikayla, but for yourselves also, I invite you to such an opportunity.

I declare August 14th, national Forgiveness day. We don't know how much time we have and you don't want to live or leave with any regrets.

I know there are many things that I could’ve asked Mikkie for forgiveness for before she left so suddenly. I think that’s what made her death even harder, I didn’t get to apologize to her face, instead I had to do it to her lifeless body in her casket. Trust me, you do not want to have that experience…. Losing a loved one and not being able to ask forgiveness or right any wrongs. I know that doing this in Mikkie’s memory would make her happy. It's actually a domino effect, it makes everyone happy. I want her memory to continue to live on, I want everyone to remember her and the precious things we have learned through all this heartache and pain.

Throughout my reading and studying over the course of this year, I’ve come across these gems of quotes:

• Grudges sour your mood and ruin your day. Carrying a grudge for so long wastes a lot of energy that could be used for living life to the fullest.
• When we hate our enemies we're giving them power over us, in our sleep, appetites, blood pressure, health, and happiness. Our hate is not hurting them but is turning our days and nights into a hellish turmoil.
• We should be too big to take offense, and too noble to give it. Abraham Lincoln.
• You can't hold onto happiness unless you let go of grudges.

All of this is so true! What are we trying to prove by holding grudges? What good does it do us? Absolutely nothing. Forgiveness and letting go of those grudges sets you free and you are no longer prisoner of your hatred.

D&C 64:9 'Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to ^aforgive one another; for he that^bforgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.'

I for one, do not want to be held accountable for that sin of not forgiving, whether it be my fault or not, it does not matter, unless I make things right, I will be held accountable. If I do my part and sincerely forgive but the other person does not accept it…it is no longer my sin, and they will be the ones that will have to answer for it. So to me, who cares who caused the offense, I would much rather be clean of that condemnation than to prove who’s right.

Thomas S. Monson said in talk “Love at Home”:

““Give your child a compliment and a hug; say, ‘I love you’ more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of ‘what if’ and ‘if only.’ …

“Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey and share our love with friends and family. One day, each of us will run out of tomorrows. Let us not put off what is most important.”

“What is most important almost always involves the people around us.”

"We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.”

I invite anyone to take advantage of this time and in memory of our Mikayla, make a commitment to either ask for forgiveness or forgive another. It may be someone close to you, it may be someone you don't even know but are harboring ill feelings towards for something, it may even be yourself. As you think of someone, remember this, "One day, each of us will run out of tomorrows. Let us not put off what is most important.”

Take that name and either write it on a white balloon and let it off into the sky, or just think of that name as you let the balloon go. If you would rather not participate in that, but still want to do something special in memory of Mikayla, let some white balloons off into the sky. Why white? Because White symbolizes purity, cleanliness, truth..... I also think of heaven and angels, reminding me of Mikkie.

-----

Sweet Mikkie, I love you so much. "We will be together again soon.....I'll see you soon."

Love me always,

Mama

Service Week

Dearest Mikkie,

Just the week before last, my family did a service week. Most of us all read the book that I have mentioned before, "The Message" and were all deeply touched and inspired by it and especially the part where he talked about doing a 'service vacation'. Well we all couldn't go anywhere, so we decided on having each family do their own service thing each day of the week and then on the following Saturday the whole family got together for a big combined service project. It was a great week, I was excited. It helped me to focus on serving each day. Most of them were simple things, but most of the time that's all it takes is a simple act of kindness. For the big project, we all went to a city building who needed help with the yard. 3 hours we all worked hard, weeding, digging, chopping, shoveling, sweeping, and laying mulch. After, we met at one's house for a big lunch feast. We were all exhausted, tired and hungry and also felt invigorated and so good for helping out. I believe it was a great experience and I want to make it a recurring tradition.

A few things that stood out to me in the book about service were:

"When you truly love someone, you seek to serve them. If the people of this nation would go out and begin serving-first the members of their families more fully, then their neighbors and community, and then extended family (rest of the world)- it would do more good than any other thing that could be done."

"As we serve our spouses and children, we will love them more, and we will become closer. Our very hearts will be changed. If we will serve our neighbors and communities, we will break down the barriers which divide us and cause a peace and love to permeate our cities. And if we will serve our brothers and sisters of this nation, we can cause a day of Zion, a day of complete peace, to come. Such a day this world has never seen. This love will become contagious."

"I recognized that this message can indeed be a poignant reminder to others of the surety of the prophecies which have been given concerning our day, and the need to strengthen ourselves and our families for that which certainly must be. Also it can be a reminder of the incredible power of service and its ability to transform us as a people. Service is the answer to reclaiming our society and changing the hearts of us, as a people."

"The word Service has lost its impact and meaning, and importance. It has become a word that it almost trite. After all, everyone knows that service helps people. Everyone knows that service is good. It is such an old idea that no one takes it very seriously anymore. But it is a principle of truth which has existed forever."

"With service, unity replaces selfishness as each person becomes deeply committed to the good of the whole rather than their own self interests."

"If you love one another, Serve one another."

I can completely agree that service isn't really taken seriously. Sadly, I feel I've been just an example.

It was very touching to read about their 'Service Vacation' they went on and doing simple, yet powerful acts of service. Most of the family started out thinking it was stupid, including the teenagers (shocker), but after a while it was contagious and they were the ones who ended up handing out most of the "caring coupons" to people.

We don't have to go out and travel to do something similar though, we can have that same impact right here in our very homes and communities. We did and I'm very grateful for that experience.

Though I know my service shouldn't stop there at that opportunity. I know Mikkie, I've just felt like the more service I do the more I will be able to feel your sweet spirit. Service shouldn't be just a thing we do whenever it's convenient, we should be using every day to serve with all our heart, might, mind and strength. I know that as I strive to always serve others, I will be more able to truly feel Christlike love for others....and myself.

I pray that we may all be blessed to see every opportunity to serve, no matter how big or small, and act upon it.

I love you with all my heart sweet girl. Two more days...... be with us, baby girl.

Love always,

Mama

A testimony

My dear Mikayla,

I didn't get to bear my testimony in church today, partly because I was feeling light headed and did not want to trip in my high heels, and partly because I'm pretty emotionally unstable. They might've thought I was quite the nut case. :)

My heart is very heavy. Full of pain and full of gratitude at the same time. I wonder how am I going to get through this next week? I was awakened with a realization that the answer is right in front of me and has been happening. I will make it through this next week and your one year mark because of family and friends (even complete strangers have played a role in giving me great comfort-but hey, they're family too, right, we're all one big family:) . I may sound like a broken record when I say this, but I am so very grateful for their love and support! As I have been getting emails, texts, messages, phone calls, packages, visits, etc.. from people lately I've been touched over and over again. I believe compassion to be a gift, a great gift at that, probably the greatest gift one can be blessed with. There are those who it comes naturally to and others who learn it as they go from other great examples, and some just don't ever learn it at all.

All I can say is I've never seen so much compassion and such love and concern poured out than through this past year. People are more aware than I think and it shows through their loving words and actions. I was alone at church because daddy didn't feel well, and this whole week all I could think of was that blasted place you left us at. It was overwhelming. Someone next to me whispered asking when the 1 year mark is, knowing it was coming up soon. Tears immediately filled my eyes. She asked how we were doing. More tears came. I think that answered her question. Someone else remembered. I was so grateful for that simple yet powerful example that we can have a HUGE impact and effect on others when we show some compassion and show that we genuinely care. I felt like she really wanted to know how I was doing and it made all the difference to me.

Besides that, the first and foremost reason of our getting through these tough times is our Savior Jesus Christ. I think many times, people just have no clue! No clue at all, unless they themselves experience it. It's incredibly comforting to me to know that there is and always will be Someone who knows exactly what I'm going through and knows exactly how I feel; that I can call on Him for help at anytime or just to vent my frustrations, aching, concerns, etc. To know that He is listening, and He does hear and answer our pleas. I've seen it made manifest by all those who have helped comfort me recently (and all along the way), I know each one has been inspired/prompted and I know God blesses them for doing so.

I know that God is aware of us, He loves each one of us, He loves me, Laura Harper, faults and all.

My Mikkie, I think of you so much, you never really leave my mind. I think this week will be the hardest time, next to the time you died. But good things can happen even at the worst of times. I love you so very much. I just watched a video of you and hearing your precious little laugh sent tears to my eyes and a huge smile to my lips. I miss your sweet face!

Love me,

Mama

Bitter and Sweet

Dearest Mikkie,

I cannot even believe it's been 5 weeks since I last wrote. I can't find the appropriate words to describe this past month. Seriously. How about, sigh. :) And there's still 2 more weeks to go until your 1 year mark. I can hardly even believe that. Actually, I don't want to believe it. Is there a belated phase of denial because I think I'm going through it. I feel as though I have my heels dug into the ground not wanting to move as I'm harshly being pushed forward.

People ask me about what's going on for August 14th and each time I give the same answer, "I'm still working on the details." Which is true, I have thought about it... a little. It's like I'm subconsciously avoiding it for as long as possible. Not exactly a fun "anniversary" to plan. So many emotions going on all at once, this oughta be interesting. I have no clue what to expect on that dreaded day. We're going to be sticking around close, definitely not going anywhere near Bear Lake or pools. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about that place. People say I will want to go back to that place eventually...right now I say they're crazy. We'll see, as of now there are no plans to go anytime in the near future.

That was the bitter side. On the sweet side, two days later on August 16th we get to find out the gender of our baby! I'm very excited about that. Can you already tell what an emotional roller coaster that week will be? As if life hasn't been already. :) Then it's party after party following that. So I will be keeping busy for sure.

As crazy as it's been, I've felt you more than ever. I've always complained that I don't feel you near. To which I've heard many people say that you're probably a lot closer than I realize, I just can't see because you're so close. I wished that were true but didn't fully believe it. You ever notice that things don't happen the way you think? Because you're expecting something totally different than what you're actually receiving. While I have been looking for something bold, something completely obvious, I've been missing the picture. I feel like I should be having visions or I don't know, some unmistakable sign that you are here with me. It seems like that's what happens with almost every other person I hear about, so I've been expecting the same. Nothing. Or so I thought. If I just take the time to let go of all pride and pretenses and any idea of what I think I should receive and instead have an open mind and heart, I feel things I haven't noticed before. Or maybe I have, just have been too stubborn to admit it, because it's not in the way I'm expecting. Does that make sense? What I'm trying to say is that for the first time since you died I felt your sweet, precious spirit right with me. There was no mistake about it. It's an experience I'll never forget. I believe that you are here a lot more than I realize. I love you so much my sweet baby girl, and I do know that you love me too. I know it more so now.

I love you my little twinkle star.

With much love,

Mama

Baby

My sweet, sweet Mikkie,

Life.... what to even say about it. Let me start off with a quote that I was just reminded of, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". How true that is! I often wonder how I can even bear to go on with life, even the simple tasks of getting out bed and getting ready. How do I do it? I'll tell you one of my biggest motivators is Faith... yes my faith and my Faith. :) She is a constant reminder of you and I just take one look at that sweet, precious girl and I know I have no choice but to be strong. Obviously being blessed with comfort from the spirit makes it a little more bearable, thank goodness for that.

What I really wanted to talk about is the news that has made me happier than I've been in a while. Knowing that this baby is coming straight from being with you just gives me the chills, I'm so excited to meet this baby! I must say I was paranoid and stressed at the beginning when I thought it was another miscarriage. I just had to put my mind at ease, so I went to a few dr. visits and come to find there was indeed a baby in there and it had a heartbeat. That put me a little more at rest, but then I knew I hadn't even passed the 3 month mark like I didn't last time. So there was more worrying, crying, stress and then the first appointment, heartbeat again. It was a big relief. The timing of everything with this pregnancy seems no coincidence. Had my first appointment on my birthday, June 14th, will find out the gender sometime close around August 14th(so not looking forward to or ready for this day), and I'm due around Christmas. The more I think about it, there has to be a reason I got pregnant when I did, it just seems too planned. Which will give me something happy to look forward to on each of these hard days. I see this as a blessing. What a more perfect time to have a baby than Christmastime. I have a feeling this will be a Christmas to remember.

When we tell Faith about the baby in my belly, she says "it's Mikkie!" Wow, if only that was the way to bring you back, that or flying back in a helicopter like she still thinks. Oh poor girl. I tell her as gently as I can that this baby is not you, it is another brother or sister and that they're up there with you. I wonder how much she understands of what's going on.

I was watching a video of you and Faith comes up and says "That's Mikkie! She's my best friend." Will this girl never cease to melt my heart? If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to make sure she does not forget her best friend, Mikkie. :) None of your other siblings will know you like she does, but you can bet I will help them get to know you.

I love you Mikkie. I pray you will be with us as we approach these tough weeks ahead. Or somehow get my wish granted of a Fast Forward button. Or just please let me know you're here, somehow.

Love me always,

Mama

Memorial Day

Dear Mikkie,

While the details are still fresh in my mind, I want to share this.

Yes, of course Memorial Day was a tough day, although the days leading up to it were more tough. Maybe because of the anticipation of the day? That's what our life is anymore, crying, crying and more crying.

Most my family came to your grave with us, which was good, I needed some support. It was very rainy and pretty cold, we had umbrellas out and shaking as we stood there hovering over your grave. I was thinking "really, the rain couldn't wait? it was just clear before we came." It rained and poured. As we were all there huddled together, a thought about the rain came to my mind when I heard daddy say "she's crying for us." I thought of the line in my poem/song that says, "every time I see the rain falling from above, I'll think of you, shedding tears each time I cry for you." And I couldn't help but think that maybe that was true. It wasn't until a few moments later, when the rain quickly dissipated and the warm sun came shining down, that I realized while this may seem like ordinary weather to others it was no coincidence for me. It was a sign. It was amazing how warm it got and then I thought of my other line in my poem "every time I feel the sun shine through the clouds, I'll think of you, letting me feel the warmth of your love." It was just too perfect, the timing and order and everything. Everyone there noticed it. Did that ever get me to cry. It was indeed a very special moment. We had all put our beautiful flowers down already and I remembered I forgot something in the car. I went to the store before to get the flowers and as I was walking past the aisles, I had the thought to get some bubbles. So I did. We brought out the bubbles, one for each kid and they all ran around having fun with them, including the adults. :) To me, it was a precious moment. I could clearly picture you running around with the kids, chasing the bubbles and having so much fun. You loved playing with bubbles, that's why I got them. Bubbles would go fast with you because you'd hold the container sideways, spilling most the bubbles, so that's when I started holding it and blowing them for you. It was far more fun to watch you chase the bubbles. As it was with these kids, at first they were blowing them, then the adults took over and all the kids ran after them. After the fun little moment, we decided to get going. Without further delay, it started raining again. I'm grateful to have experienced that whole special moment, especially with my loved ones, it made it even more special. Thank you Mikkie, I don't know what kind of strings you had to pull to pull that off, but thank you! I know that God listens to even the smallest of my prayers and answers them in His own timing. The timing of this couldn't have been more perfect.

I love you! I miss you! I love you!

Love,

Mama

Change

Dear Mikkie,

My heart is very heavy tonight. I miss you so much. Random bursts of sobs today, a bit on the unbearable side.

Change used to be a good thing, I would usually welcome it. Doesn't seem like the case anymore, I've had about as much change as I'd like and it's not even been the good kind. I like familiar more-so now. Anything and anyone that connects to you. It's weird, I don't know quite how to explain it, but it's been weighing heavily on me lately.

Most of our neighbors have/are moving and it not only makes me sad because I like them but because of my connection with you through them. Is that weird? Well they say people that grieve feel "weird" and sometimes "irrational" things that can really only be understood by them. Daddy and I have had the thought that maybe we should move since all of our friends are moving, but I couldn't leave this house. I would feel like I'd be leaving part of you here and that just kills me, there's too many memories with you here, after all you did live your full, short, life in this house. My heart just aches at the thought of leaving. So the only option is to move forward, taking life day by day, change by change.

My birthday is this week. I'm not really excited for it...I don't feel excited about much anymore, maybe sometimes but it's short-lived, it's not like it used to be. Obviously nothing is anymore. One big factor of my unexcited-ness for my birthday is because it is on the 14th.... that has become a cursed number to us, it's not the 13th, it's the 14th. The only thing that is remotely good about my birthday is that I'm 1 year older. Yes, I am now happy to be getting older, it means I'm that much more closer to being with you! Probably twisted thinking, but hey can you blame me? Time is bitter-sweet; we want it to go slow so we can enjoy and soak up every moment with sweet Faith, yet we're glad that it seems to go by fast because we're anxious to see you again! Ugh, I feel so messed up. Understandable seeing as my life seems to be going backwards....my kids dying before me, that's not the way it's supposed to go.

At least there are a few things in my life that will never change, which is what I'm clinging to at these times of desperation. My faith and my love for you (and all my loved ones too, of course). No one can ever take away either of those, I actually have control over something. As my faith grows, my love for you grows more and more and I just wish you were here so I could show you how much I love you. A big Mikkie hug would make everything right. Which reminds me, today in my first outburst, Faith came over to me and gave me a big, gentle hug. She hardly ever gives me lingering hugs, they're always short. You were more of a hugger/cuddler. This time she stayed there, not saying anything, comforting me with her sweet hug while I sobbed and then sobbed some more from her sweet gesture. She's my biggest connection to you, she reminds me so much of you, sometimes so much it hurts. I love you both so, so very much.

Love me,

Mama

Your sister

Dear, precious Mikayla,

Now that I talked about remembering, I'm going to write down these thoughts before they vanish. See, I'm learning already! :)

If I haven't said it enough, your big sister just loves you so much. I hope you know that. She brings you up and talks about you to pretty much anyone. It is so sweet and heart wrenching to hear her talk about you with such adoration. I have often wondered if she sees you at all or feels you so close she knows you're not really gone. I hear stories about some kids being able to see their dead loved ones and wondering why everyone else is so sad because to them they are still there. I have tried asking her before, but I don't really get a clear answer and I don't know if she's telling the truth or telling a tale.
The other day we were coming back home from Grandma's and Faith said "Mommy, let's go to Mikkie's grave, ok." She's never asked to go there before, it's usually me telling her we're going. I wasn't planning on stopping by that night but how could I not after that? Remember when I would put you to bed and blow you kissies right before I left your room? That has become our "little thing" and we do it, all 3 of us, every time we leave your grave. Faith is more than happy to blow you kissies and seems to be ok more with visiting your grave.

Something else I wanted to tell you; Faith graduated from Preschool last week! She got a balloon and when we got home she immediately told me, "I wanna give Mikkie my balloon!" while running outside. I knew exactly what she was thinking. She let it float up in the sky. What a sweet gesture, she remembers us doing that for your birthday. Before she would've been sad to lose her balloon, not anymore.

Faith can seem to always sense when I'm thinking about you, maybe it shows in my face more than I realize. She says either, "You miss Mikkie, mommy?" or "I miss Mikkie" after sensing my sadness. I can't tell you what a blessing she is to me and how much comfort and happiness she has brought me through all of this. I'm so grateful she got to know you as much as she did and that you two got to spend basically 24/7 together. There's many memories packed into that short amount of time and Faith remembers a lot of it. I love to hear her talk about you, or anyone for that matter! When people talk about you (obviously not the day you died, but when you were alive) I feel slightly as if you're still here, still existing. If anyone's more in tune about that, it would be Faith, she's not afraid to talk about you and that makes me happy. I see more and more that you can learn so much from a child, they're so innocent, pure and honest, for the most part ;)

Sweet Faithy is like a glue that keeps holding me together, keeps me sane. She is a blessing to both daddy and I. As are you Mikkie, you have been and always will be a blessing to us. I love both of my little girls more than I could ever even describe it.

Love me always,

Mama

Remember, remember

Dear Mikkie,

I think it no coincidence that the scriptures repeat the word "Remember" so many times. If it weren't so important, it probably wouldn't be talked about so much. I am a good example of forgetting things, and need to constantly be reminded again and again....really, we're no different than children. I was just reading and came across this neat example of how we can remember to remember :)

"While thinking the other day, I glanced down at my CTR ring and thought, “If only we would remember to choose the right.” Then it dawned on me that CTR could also stand for “choose to remember.” If we remembered our true identities and divine potential, we would make better choices!

Then it hit me that CTR might also represent “Christ the Redeemer.” What power and strength would come when we were challenged with evil or temptation if we were reminded to choose to remember Christ the Redeemer.

My CTR ring took on new meaning that day. Now when I think about what these three letters can represent, I am reminded that I am not left alone to face my challenges if I choose to remember Christ the Redeemer."

That impressed me. I have been trying to remember "WWJD" What Would Jesus Do, which would help me if I could remember. So I like this....CTR, Choose To Remember. I'm going to try that out.
There's still so many things I'm learning and then learning again and again. I wonder how many times it takes for something to finally get through to a person. I was just talking with someone recently about writing things down. Every so often I'll actually write my thoughts down right when I have them, I find that highly more effective than what I usually do: thinking to myself "I'll remember this in the morning or later" but when morning or later comes I've forgotten all about it or can't remember certain details and it's lost. That's happened so many times to me it's not even funny, it's so frustrating to have a good thought or idea and then not remember it, just that it was good. I think I've finally (maybe, hopefully) come to the point where I'm serious about writing things down in the moment, I can record them much more clearly then. I think of times, like your death, that if I didn't write them down not only would I lose some of the detail (which I much rather would've gotten out back then than now) but also the feelings I felt right at that moment in time. That to me means just as much to me as the words, being able to feel emotions through words. When I met, dated and married your daddy, I was grateful I kept a journal and wrote down my feelings then. Some of it is quite amusing, to say the least, but a lot of it I totally forgot about and am grateful I have the words to look back on.

I had heard in a talk somewhere that when we receive inspiration or answers and we write them down, it shows God that we're grateful for what we've received. I'm going to try my best to do better on that. I want God to know how grateful I am for the inspiration, ideas, answers, etc I get. It could be for anything, big or small, I'm going to write it all down and sort through and assess them when I have time. At least I'll have them written down when it's clear and fresh in my mind.

One thing I have no problem remembering is you. Even so, I'm grateful I have written down my memories of you and such in a journal I kept just for you. I sometimes have to rely on that journal to remember some things, I guess sadly, my memory is blocking out more than just your death. In addition to the journal, I'm extremely grateful for all the pictures and videos we have of you!! Especially the videos to be able to remember your laughs, voice, and sweet, fun personality. Yes they bring me to tears every time, but they make me so happy! Another thing we have done to remember you... I put up a shelf in the family room where we see it everyday, of items that remind us of you: sippy cup, lock of hair, certain toys, etc. Not to mention we have pictures of you everywhere. It's next to impossible to forget you. Imagine what would happen if I did the same thing for my Savior. I just had a thought that yes I'm remembering you....but am I trying to remember Christ? I realize that I don't have very many pictures of Him. That will be another thing for me to work on, getting the Savior in our home so we will always remember Him. I think that I would automatically think of you when I remember Him.

I love you so very much! I love writing these letters to you and "talking" with you. Thanks for listening to me, not just in these letters, but in my thoughts throughout the day.

Love me,

Mama

Bit of random

My dear sweet Mikkie,

It takes me a while to write you most the time because I usually have too much to sort out in the short amount of free time that there seems to be.

I'm seeing more and more how true that "grief is linear". Whoever has the ridiculous expectations and/or assumptions that people should "get over" the loss of their child, or anyone for that matter, in a certain amount of time is a fool and obviously has not experienced it for themselves.

Tonight was the first in a while that Faith came up to me crying, saying she misses you. Like my heart wasn't breaking enough already, that just about split it in half. What a sweet, tender little girl. I couldn't believe the tears in her eyes; I wanted so bad to be able to tell her "don't worry, Mikkie's coming back!" I wanted so bad to be able to tell myself that.
She now connects rainbows with you, she gets so excited when she sees one. Whenever it rains she's looking for one, like today, except we didn't get one and she seemed very concerned about it. I told her maybe we'd get one tomorrow, and if so it would be especially for her.

After talking to a few people, I realized that I would be more likely to feel you near when I'm serving and helping someone. That's when I remembered the goals I made. I have slacked this past month, and didn't even report for last months, I've let myself grow lax and idle but I am going to renew my goals this coming month and am going to put forth more effort. It's not just that, there are many more things I'm determined to put forth more of an effort on including visiting teaching, personal scripture study and more meaningful prayers. If I want to grow and understand more, I can't just try getting by with mediocre performance and expect superior results. If I am expecting great things to happen, I've got expect that God is expecting me to do my best. I know my best and I've not really been showing it but am resilient enough to try again and show God my best.

I know you helped inspire me with these thoughts, Mikkie and want you to be proud of your mommy. :)

I love you so much Mikkie. I've been hurting so much lately and will probably hurt some more tomorrow, that's just a part of life now.
I feel stuck in my thoughts, so I will stop now and hopefully it will clear up soon so I can resume my random thought process.

Love,

Mama

Unplugged

My sweet Mikkie,

Things have been so hectic lately, one thing after another. I’m grateful for Sundays, to be able to enjoy life at a slower pace for at least one day of the week. I definitely get more time to think and ponder.

The power has been out for a couple hours tonight. I think the last time it went out was right before we left for Bear Lake. Daddy and I talked about that day and how very grateful we were that the power went out. It forced us to get off our computers, tv’s and other electronics and spend some quality time with family. We did just that. Daddy and I didn’t know what to do with ourselves at first (how pathetic is that) til we came to the conclusion to ride bikes to the park and throw a Frisbee and play with you girls. It was one of the best nights; probably the last best night with you. It was good quality time with just the 4 of us, I will always remember and cherish that night.

Tonight we got to spend some quality time together as we went on a walk, put puzzles together, colored, read. It’s so much fun to be with Faith, even though I get pretty much ‘Mikkie-sick’ with almost everything we do; remembering what you used to do and what you would do if you were still here. It helps me though to hold her a little closer, hug her a little tighter and tell her I love her a little more. It’s ok to talk about you with her, I tell her how much she reminds me of you and ask her if she remembers certain things about you. We talk about it and laugh at some things that you did, you were quite the funny little girl, brought such light into our life. You girls light up my life in this dreary world.

Faith mentioned several times today how much she misses you. It’s like a stab in the heart every time. She said how you are going to play toys with her and all sorts of things when she sees you again. Like clockwork she asks if we’re going to see you again, making sure it’s still going to happen. If it’s at all possible, I think she’s most excited to see you, to be with her best friend again.

Sometimes I wish the power would go out more often and unplug us from the world, to get us away from the “blue screens” and focus on spending good quality time together. It’s these types of days that I remember most after all; they’re the most memorable.

I don't know about you, but I can't believe it's been 9 months since you died. I am trying to brace myself and prepare myself for the one year mark. Wow that's going to be tough. As long as I'm not anywhere near a pool I think it might be manageable.

You, sweet little baby, are greatly missed and greatly loved. I have this incredible urge to hold you in my arms and hug you tight. Will you give me one instead? I love my Mikkie hugs so very much.


Hugs and Kisses,

Mama

Angels

Dear sweet Mikkie,

What a bittersweet day; roller coaster of emotions. Daddy and I had a really good cry together as we watched home videos of you. I miss you and ache for you so very much. Then I think how blessed I am that we still have Faith. You are my heavenly angel while she is my earthly angel, I love you both beyond comprehension and count myself extremely honored and blessed to be your mom.

Four years ago I became a mommy, and 20 months after that I became a mommy twice, I thought I was going to explode with happiness. It was happy with one child, but two....it just became magnified. I've never felt happier.

God sends us angels to help us, some are in heaven (like you) and some are on earth. Along with you two, there's another angel who's been there for me all my life, always, constantly there comforting, serving, listening, everything that an angel does. My mom is that angel and still to this day dries my tears, hugs my fears away, talks some sense into me, and hears things I don't say. She is truly a blessing in my life... I know I've quoted this several times, but I can't help but reiterate "Everything I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." My wish is to be that kind of mom. I for sure got the better end of the deal. You and Faith are my life. With part of my life gone, I'm hanging on by faith.....literally.

I just read an uplifting article about the Influence of Mother's. What jumped out at me most was:

"Mothers have more influence than they realize. Women are the leaders of leaders. Who has more influence on a man than his wife? Or on children than their mother? The word that best describes leadership by a woman is mother. Is there any influence more enduring than a mother's shepherding of her children along the path towards exaltation?"

I hope to be that kind of influence as my mom has been on me, the one who can correct without criticism, teach without guile, encourage without pretense and love without compromise.

My heart has been extra sensitive this week, as you've weighed heavily on it. How grateful I am for the angels in my life; seen or unseen I feel their impact. You are especially the sweetest angel I could have asked for.

Love always,

Mama

Rainbow

My dear Mikkie,


Every time I see a rainbow across the sky, it gives me hope to move forward for another day.

Remember those words from my poem? Well, I just saw the most beautiful rainbow just last week and couldn't help but think you made it just for me. It's the first one I've seen since that one back in Septemberish. It was the brightest, longest one I've seen and it was right up close, so cool.

I was just thinking today about how great I've been feeling this past week, and thought just maybe that rainbow really did give me the hope to move forward. This has been one of the best weeks in so long. I've never gone this long just feeling at peace and feeling happy; it's been great in so many ways, but most of all because I've felt the spirit more. Maybe it's the amazing books I've been reading (which I want to discuss with you later!), and just becoming more educated on death and the afterlife. I've had a lot of great conversations with different people about things and I just feel that what we've read is true! I've had a great testimony building experience this week that confirmed to me, once again, that God IS real. He IS there, He lives! He is very mindful of us and what we're going through. It was such a relief, because even though I've never stopped believing, it was nice to feel it!

There was a sad thing that did happen this week though, it didn't take from my peace, but still brought me back to the memory of the aching. A toddler had drowned in the lake and I just cried and ached for that family. I feel an incredible desire to help this poor, grieving family and be a support to them. I want to give back what was so generously done for us. I pray for the comfort of this family, that they will feel God's love.

What an interesting life! It's going past awful fast. It's already been 8 months since you left, it boggles my mind.

I love you so much! And if you did have a part in that rainbow.... thank you! I truly am grateful for it and the message it gave me.

Love me,

Mama

Who nose!

Dear Mikkie,

As I was going through pictures one day, I looked at some older ones of Faith and saw one where she had her finger up her nose. I immediately recognized this pose, as you had done the same one just a year or so ago. I went to find it and put them side by side and it totally made my day. I actually laughed instead of crying at one of your pictures.

The exact same spot, the same hand, same finger.... you get the picture. (no pun intended) I just thought it was too funny to pass up showing you. I hope it made you smile too.

I love you sweet, sweet baby of mine! Thanks for giving me so memories to laugh and smile about.

Love me,

Mama

Service goal #2

My sweet Mikkie,

Usually you don't have to look very far for someone to serve, there's usually someone in your own family or extended that needs help. Last month I focused on serving my family, starting with your daddy and Faith, I don't think I serve them as much as I should. Along with that we were able to serve others in the family, including going down to Arizona to see my grandparents and help my Uncle Dennis.
I'm so glad we decided to go when we did, because it would have been too late had we waited for our original date. We found out 2 days ago that Dennis died. It was a bitter sweet thing, when I heard he was having troubles, I had a gut feeling he wasn't going to make it, but I still hoped he would be ok. When it was confirmed he didn't make it, it's like my emotions linked the similar circumstances with you and I sobbed and sobbed. I was crying because of those feelings being brought up, and how much I miss you, and I am going to miss Dennis and also because I was so happy for him!
He had been handicapped almost his whole life, never married and had struggles all along the way yet he remained faithful and positive! I could just see him in my mind, walking for the first time in a very long time, feeling great, no more pain and being with my sweet baby girl. Yes, the sobs came again. I asked him to give you a big hug and kiss for me. I don't know if he heard me, but will you give him a big hug for me and tell him he is my hero? He truly is one of my biggest heroes, he has left me with some of the greatest memories and examples of patience and endurance. I had some great times with him. Tell him to be ready when I get there, because I challenge him to another thumb war. :) I was feeling badly that he didn't get to meet you, little did I know he would get to see you sooner than expected. He was so good with kids, I bet you two are getting along famously.
I can't help but feel something big is coming soon, with all these deaths and everything that's gone on. Maybe not.
Family means so much to me, I'm so blessed to not just have amazing immediate family, but extended and in-laws also. Family is where it's at, they are the most constant.

I must admit at first I felt a little jealous that Dennis is with you, but I'm so grateful for every breath I take and am able to be here with loved ones. There's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for blessing me to be here with them, and them with me. Dennis is just one more proof to me that life is ever so fragile and short and we must make sure we are prepared at all times. I pray I may be ready to meet my Maker when the time comes. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to make it back to you, Mikkie. You can bet I am trying to do my best.

I love you sweet Angel!

Love me always,

Mama

Gone

Dearest Mikayla,

Daddy, me, Grandpa and Grandma just got back from a week long cruise 2 days ago. It was the very first time I've left Faith and it was hard for me. I missed her so much! I was so focused on how much I would miss her that I didn't take time to think how it would affect her being away from us, seeing as she has very little concept of time. She was in good hands but still didn't make it easy I'm sure, not knowing when or if her mommy and daddy were coming back. It broke my heart when I heard of the things she said, I felt like such an awful mom for leaving her and not thinking about how it might affect her. I didn't realize she would react like she did.
I was so very excited to see her! Even though my legs hurt very badly from my sunburn, I ignored the pain and ran in to see her and almost cried, I was so happy to see her. The surprised look on her face told me that she probably wasn't sure if we were actually coming back. I gave her a big hug and said 'I told you we'd come back to get you!' to which she hurriedly replied, " You brought Mikkie back?!" How deeply my heart sunk after that. Trying not to cry I told her, "no, she's still with Jesus, Faith, but mommy and daddy are back!" I explained to her that we were just on vacation and where we went and showed her pictures. I hope she understands a little more now. Poor sweet, sweet girl. I can't leave her anymore, I just can't do it.

Aside from missing Faith like crazy, the trip was fun and invigorating. It was nice to have a change of pace and scenery. I had always turned down cruises before because of my extreme fear of the ocean. Something inside me changed when you died, Mikkie. Compared to traumatically losing my baby angel girl, this fear was nothing. I told myself it would not be as bad as I make it out to be. And it wasn't. It was beautiful. I'm glad I went and faced that fear. There is, however, a difference between fear and trauma... I have fear of water, but the fear has turned into more of a traumatization? I don't know what to call it or how to explain it. I was fine being on water, yet I did not, could not, go near the pool on that boat the whole trip. The scent and scene of it all stirred up images and emotions from that day and I just had to get away.

Like daddy said, how we wish we could just go pick you up, if only it worked that way, there would be no distance too great, no price too high if we could just come and get you. It makes complete sense to a little child, I could see how it would totally be plausible in her mind. She always asks, like she's making sure the answer is still the same, "we're going to see her again?!" More of an exclamation instead of a question.

Though we feel peace, daddy and I cried over you again, it's almost become a weekly ritual. We both explained how we feel we don't want to let go of the hurt because that would be like letting you go. That's probably wrong thinking, but we're content in our ignorance for now. It's so fun to reminisce with daddy about all the little things we love about you and the cute little things you used to do. I think that helps make you feel more real to us, so the memories don't fade as much.

Thinking of you always, my angel.

Love,

Mama